Bridesmaid problem

[Lauriebell82]

I mean she's clingy and all over him.

leaning into him.

She is into a full embrace, and looks 'desperate'. Hanging on for dear life....

 

He's leaning back, and one hand is around her back, but the other is on her shoulder. He doesn't look amorous or interested in the hold.

That's not an embrace.

That's a participation.

 

And before anyone asks, yes, I'm studying body language.

Partly for my job.

But mainly because it's a fascinating and hitherto neglected form of communication.

It's incredible....

 

WHAT??!?!!

 

I'm at a loss of words here as this is totally rediculous.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm really not trying to be unkind, or rain on your parade.

On the complete contrary.

I'd love your parade to be a stunningly sunny one.

But the clouds on the horizon are worrying.

 

Whether you are trying not to be doesn't matter, you are raining on my parade.

 

He wanted to have his friend in it and have an uneven bridal party. I didn't want that so I had to quick find another bridesmaid. I didn't have to do that, he didn't make me. I just did it on my own.

Oh the other comment you made..come on it's more than telling her "she's off the hook." I'm a sweet and caring person and I've been friends with her for 10 years, I'm sure if put in the same position you would feel bad too!

[Lucky_One]

Laurie, don't get all Bridezilla here. What is important here? The wedding or the marriage? A matching set of bridesmaids or friendships? Would you make a widowed spouse remarry so that your wedding pics won't be "unbalanced"?

 

Write your friend a letter. Not a FB message, but an emailed letter to a proper email address (and I would much rather you write a real letter, but too many chances to go astray to Egypt).

 

Friend, I have been thinking, and I think that I did you a disservice by asking you to be in Rob and my wedding. I was thinking of the great times we have had in the past, but I very selfishly didn't take your life and your schedule into consideration. Coming back here on a set day for the wedding could prove to be a huge expense for you by forcing you into a certain set of days for flight purchases, not to mention exhausting physically. Throw in worries over misplaced luggage or delayed connections, and you could have a miserable trip!!

 

I think it might be easier on you if you were not a part of the wedding party. I will miss you terribly during all the parties and showers and during that hectic week of preparation - you are always so practical and calm! - but your not having an "official title" for the wedding party will take a lot ot stress off you, and that is very important to me and for our friendship. If your schedule is such that you are able to make it to the wedding anyway, then you will be able to relax after your journey and not have to deal with the stresses of wedding stuff and will be able to spend your short time at home with friends, family and having fun, without being pressed into wedding service.

 

I hope that you are feeling a sense of relief while you read this, rather than a feeling of hurt or outrage!! I wouldn't hurt you for the world, but I am afraid my invitation to be a bridesmaid put you into that awkward position of not feeling able to refuse - and I think that is far worse for our precious friendship than having you stand up in front of a church for 15 minutes. No matter if you are able to attend or not, I know that you already are holding Rob and my future in your heart with love and caring - and that is what is most important to me.

 

Hope all is well, blah de blah blah. Please let me hear from you soon, so that I know my selfishness in asking you didn't mess uo our friendship!

Love, LB

[TaraMaiden]

WHAT??!?!!

 

I'm at a loss of words here as this is totally rediculous.

 

No, actually, it isn't.

Body Language says more than words can ever express, and I'm surprised you personally know nothing of it.

You've heard the phrase, 'Actions speak louder than words'....

Well, look at that photo dispassionately, as if you'd never seen it before.

 

As for raining on your parade - I may be the lone voice of caution, but that doesn't make me wrong.

She's not acting like a friend.

Things come and go, situations pass.

[Lauriebell82]

So my friend responded to me. She said that she can't be in it because she can't afford the dress or plan ticket home. She was going to "see" if she could save the money and be in it but if I needed an answer soon then she said she couldn't. I think she thought she could just be an "maybe bridesmaid." I am partly to blame though because I guess I gave her the impression that I felt that it was okay.

 

So now I feel bad and guilty about the whole thing. It's for the best though, I just think it would be just too hard for her to be unsure whether or not she is going to be in it.

[Ronni_W]

, I just think it would be just too hard for her to be unsure whether or not she is going to be in it.

Well, the uncertainty would definitely be harder on you than on her.

I think it would be a great idea if you altered the note that Lucky_One suggested (post #28) to suit this change in circumstances, and sent it to your friend.

 

[because] By your own admission, you are more than just "partly" to blame: you asked her when you felt desperate about coming up with another bridesmaid, and you did not have the proper time to think it through or consider the burden that your request might place on her -- which is now clear it certainly did do that to her. She has probably been as anxious and upset about having to decline, and could well feel that she really wasn't given the opportunity to do so graciously.

 

 

BTW, I'm also totally not getting that thing Tara said about body language in your photo. Most posed pics look...well, posed, yes? In fact, I'm pretty sure there's minimal "embracing" going on in my (posed) wedding pics...just LOTS of embraces on our wedding night and honeymoon!

 

Wishing you and your groom a FABULOUS day!

[Lauriebell82]

Well, the uncertainty would definitely be harder on you than on her.

I think it would be a great idea if you altered the note that Lucky_One suggested (post #28) to suit this change in circumstances, and sent it to your friend.

 

[because] By your own admission, you are more than just "partly" to blame: you asked her when you felt desperate about coming up with another bridesmaid, and you did not have the proper time to think it through or consider the burden that your request might place on her -- which is now clear it certainly did do that to her. She has probably been as anxious and upset about having to decline, and could well feel that she really wasn't given the opportunity to do so graciously.

 

Yes, you are completely right. I actually did send her the note that LuckyOne wrote (changed it a little to my writing) and told her I'm sorry I put her in this position and still want us to be friends. Unfortunately if she isn't in it then I don't think she will miss school or spend money on a ticket to come to the wedding. I told her she would still be invited though and if she couldn't come then we could celebrate whenever she makes it to town. I hope she isn't mad at me.

 

 

BTW, I'm also totally not getting that thing Tara said about body language in your photo. Most posed pics look...well, posed, yes? In fact, I'm pretty sure there's minimal "embracing" going on in my (posed) wedding pics...just LOTS of embraces on our wedding night and honeymoon!

 

Yeah, the pic in my profile was taken like 3 years ago when fiance and I first started dating. We didn't have any pictures of the two of us so we put the camera on automatic timer and took a bunch of random pictures in my apartment. Some of them are "cutesy" like that, I certainly wasn't desperate for his affection or anything. Our relationship was actually pretty serious when we took those pics.

 

Oh, this sounds dumb but I like the pic because it makes my stomach look thin!

[Ariadne]

I don't think she will miss school or spend money on a ticket to come

I hope she isn't mad at me.

 

Btw, did she ever imply that she thought you'd pay for the ticket or cheap in?

[Lauriebell82]

Btw, did she ever imply that she thought you'd pay for the ticket or cheap in?

 

No. I actually told all my bridal party upfront that I would need them to pay for their bridesmaids dress/shoes and their transportation. I will take care of the updos, nails, wedding gifts, jewelry. So I was straight with them so there wouldn't be any misunderstandings.

 

I would love to pay for her plane ticket I just can't afford it, especially now that I don't have a job.

[Ariadne]

No. I actually told all my bridal party upfront that I would need them to pay for their bridesmaids dress/shoes and their transportation. I will take care of the updos, nails, wedding gifts, jewelry. So I was straight with them so there wouldn't be any misunderstandings.

 

I would love to pay for her plane ticket I just can't afford it, especially now that I don't have a job.

 

No, of course you don't have to pay for all that stuff.

 

It's just inconvenient that she is so far away and can't make it.. and good thing you told them upfront.

 

I was just wondering if maybe she felt resentful that it was too much to ask of her.

[Lauriebell82]

No, of course you don't have to pay for all that stuff.

 

It's just inconvenient that she is so far away and can't make it.. and good thing you told them upfront.

 

I was just wondering if maybe she felt resentful that it was too much to ask of her.

 

Yeah, it's possible that she felt resentful. I didn't even really think about that. I know she doesn't have much money and her job pays virtually nothing so I was a little unrealistic I suppose in thinking that she would be able to do all that for me when I told her I needed it.

[Ariadne]

Yeah, it's possible that she felt resentful. I didn't even really think about that. I know she doesn't have much money and her job pays virtually nothing so I was a little unrealistic I suppose in thinking that she would be able to do all that for me when I told her I needed it.

 

Yeah, the part the other bridesmaids are going to pay is many times less her part.

 

I'm sure she'd love to be a bridesmaid if things were not so complicated.

[Ronni_W]

Oh, this sounds dumb but I like the pic because it makes my stomach look thin!

Does not sound at all "dumb" to me. I always remember to tell photographers, amateur and professional, "Make me look thin...and good looking!"

 

I'm glad you got it sorted out with your friend. It may take a while for any lingering hurts to dissolve but, in the end, you were honest with each other and usually that's enough to get back on-track.

 

Best of luck with all the other wedding plans.

[Lauriebell82]

Does not sound at all "dumb" to me. I always remember to tell photographers, amateur and professional, "Make me look thin...and good looking!"

 

I'm glad you got it sorted out with your friend. It may take a while for any lingering hurts to dissolve but, in the end, you were honest with each other and usually that's enough to get back on-track.

 

Best of luck with all the other wedding plans.

 

Thanks! That's why I like my dress too..it makes me look thin from every angle. I know in pictures when you turn a certain way you sometimes look heavier because of the angle that the picture is taken. I tend to look that way in ballgowns for some reason. At certain angles they are just not flattering on me. My mom doesn't get that because I have been overweight for so long that looking thin on my wedding day/in my wedding dress is my main objective right now!!!

[Star Gazer]

BTW, I'm also totally not getting that thing Tara said about body language in your photo.

 

I don't think she's referring to the avatar photo, but the photo in LB's profile.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks, Star Gazer.

That's the one.

[Art_Critic]

Thanks, Star Gazer.

That's the one.

 

TM.. I found what you wrote about her picture rude...

I'm only saying something because you seem to no be able to just let your words go and feel that you need to keep making your point about them and quite honestly I'm tired of hearing about them on this thread.

 

You didn't say those rude things to help her, you said those things to make yourself feel better..

 

How about you post some pictures of you and the love of your life and let us pick on them.

Edited November 16, 2009 by Art_Critic

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry you see it that way.

I appreciate your comments, and see where you're coming from.

 

I don't have photos of me and my other half.

we're not massive 'photo-loving' people.

 

Believe me or no (and truly, I know it's your choice) what my intentions were, and what you believe they were, are quite different.

[Lauriebell82]

How about we drop it? Thanks.

 

I think it's going to be a little weird with my friend now. She didn't respond to my last message. I don't know, I hope our friendship can recover from this.

[Lucky_One]

Laurie, the sad fact is that friends usually come and go. When I look back at the girls who were in my wedding years ago, I still hang out with my sister. I see two of the girls about every 1-2 years at Christmas or funerals, I never see my XSIL post-divorce, one girl lives across the country and I haven't seen her since her own wedding 15 years ago, and my college roommate dropped into a vodka bottle and has been in and out of jail and rehab for years and no one knows where she is now - or if she is even alive.

 

She's going to be living in India for 2 years. When/if she moves back to your area, her life is going to be so dramatically different, just from what she has seen there. You are going to be very white bread, and she will be sun-dried tomato foccacia. It is doubtful that you will ever be "close" friends for the rest of your life anyway.

 

Like high school. Remember at graduation when you said you would ALL be Best Friends Forever, not like your parents who rely on reunions every 5 years to catch up with what's going on, and you would never, ever not be friends with them. Well, people change, people go off to school and make new friends, people move away with jobs, people's needs change.

 

It is very doubtful that JUST this wedding blip will make the difference in your friendship in the long run. She doesn't sound all that upset about not being in it for lots of very sound and practical reasons. You should be happy that it worked out ok, and just make an effort to keep her updated on things and upbeat (without making every one of your messages all about wedding stuff, which can be amazingly boring to anyone who is not the bride). It will all work out in the end.

[Lauriebell82]

She's going to be living in India for 2 years. When/if she moves back to your area, her life is going to be so dramatically different, just from what she has seen there. You are going to be very white bread, and she will be sun-dried tomato foccacia. It is doubtful that you will ever be "close" friends for the rest of your life anyway.

 

Actually it's Egypt that she is in and even after she is done there I dont think she ever has plans to move back to the United States. She comes home occasionally for holidays so I may be able to see her then. She actually did say at the end of her message that she would let me know whenever she could make it back to town so she could see my fiance and I. So maybe she doesn't feel as bad as I think she does.

[Art_Critic]

Laurie, the sad fact is that friends usually come and go.

 

That's so true..

 

I remember the days when I had 20 friends that I hung out with and kept up with and before long they have life hit them on the ass and they move or get married and do whatever and before long you are no longer really close friends..

Now at 46 I just have a couple of close friendships that I cherish as all the others life happened to them.

 

Sometimes life has a way of getting in the way of having TONS of long lasting friendships.

 

LB.. it will work okay with you and her.. after the wedding you will both reconnect and it will feel like old times..

[Star Gazer]

Laurie, the sad fact is that friends usually come and go.

 

Like AC said, this is very true.

 

I've taken away about one "permanent" friend from each phase of my life (one from grade school, one from high school, one from college, one from grad school, one from law school, one from an old firm, etc...), you get the idea... not the 10-20 I expected from each phase. Those other friends come and go.

[Ronni_W]

She actually did say at the end of her message that she would let me know whenever she could make it back to town so she could see my fiance and I. So maybe she doesn't feel as bad as I think she does.

Lauriebell,

That's a good point to keep in mind -- sometimes we're still beating up on ourselves looongg after the other person has forgotten that there was ever any 'incident'.

 

One time a friend asked if I'd "forgiven" him for <blah-blah> and I was like, "What are you talking about???" It was obviously important to him, so I think it was somewhat of a let-down that I didn't even remember something for which he'd been regularly chastising himself.

 

In any event. You did not act inappropriately or rudely, so there really isn't anything for you to feel "bad" about, either. Miscommunications on both sides, and each one not being fully present to the other's dilemmas. Hopefully you can self-forgive as graciously as you've been able to forgive her

[Lauriebell82]

Lauriebell,

That's a good point to keep in mind -- sometimes we're still beating up on ourselves looongg after the other person has forgotten that there was ever any 'incident'.

 

One time a friend asked if I'd "forgiven" him for <blah-blah> and I was like, "What are you talking about???" It was obviously important to him, so I think it was somewhat of a let-down that I didn't even remember something for which he'd been regularly chastising himself.

 

In any event. You did not act inappropriately or rudely, so there really isn't anything for you to feel "bad" about, either. Miscommunications on both sides, and each one not being fully present to the other's dilemmas. Hopefully you can self-forgive as graciously as you've been able to forgive her

 

 

Yeah, we are going to be okay. My friend left me this message:

 

Hey LB,

 

You don't need to worry about our friendship. We've been friends a long time and this is not a major dispute, or at least I don't hold a grudge after your email.

 

I am going to try and come home sometime within the next few months I think. Hopefully I'll see you then. Congrats and good luck with your new job.