am I stupid or something????

[tangerine]

I need advice. I have been living with my boyfriend for the past 2 years. We rent a nice home in the suburbs, we each have 1 daughter by previous relationships, that live primarily with us. We even have a dog..we are a family. I love my boyfriend and the kids with all my heart. The problem is, my boyfriend puts me down all the time. He is a very loving person but can also be coldhearted and cruel. There isn't anything left that he hasn't called me or said to me, such as bitch, #####, lazy, fat, and last night he said go away, I dont want to look at your ugly face. That really hurt because no matter what else he's ever said to me, he always reminded me that he never told me I wasn't beautiful. Now I dont even have that to hold on to. Lately when he gets angry, he also has been telling me he hates me. If I threaten to leave him he says, "fine, go" Last night when he told me I was ugly, he also said, "you want to give me a great father's day present, leave, that will be the best present you could give me. Now I want to leave and hope that when I do he will see what he is missing when I'm not around. I am what many guys have called a "good woman" and I treat my boyfriend very well although I'm by no means perfect. But I am worried of how it will affect my boyfriend's little girl. I dont want her to feel abandoned by me, right now I am the primary mother figure in her life. Also we are going through a very crucial time right now, facing a possible legal battle and having to pay lawyers, leaving us with no money, and I dont want to walk out on my boyfriend and break up our family during this crucial time. All I really want to do is give him a "wake up call" letting him know that I am through putting up with the name calling and put-downs. I certainly dont want our little girls growing up with the impression that its okay for men to talk to them the way my boyfriend talks to me... I know this has been long and possibly boring, I just really need some good advice on what I should do, please help!

[Tony T]

People put down others in order to make themselves feel better about themselves. Your boyfriend has extremely serious problems with stress and self esteem that unfortunately will rub off on his daughter as long as she is with him.

 

You are responsible for seeing that yourself and your daughter have a healthy, supportive, loving home environment. You do not have that now. No matter what the legal problems you are paying for now, you need to move away from this situation and move on with your life because it's highly unlikely it will get better.

 

Wake up calls generally do have an affect on people like your boyfriend but the results are only temporary and the situation usually reverts back to the previous problems in a short time. Your guy here needs serious counselling to deal with self-esteem and stress issues. It's also my guess that he was raised in a highly dysfunctional home environment that was ridden with anger, put-downs, unloving and unsupportive (ask him) and he is unaware of how to relate to anything except a chaotic lifestyle. He may even be afraid to totally love someone because of fears of being abandoned (something he experienced as a child, perhaps) so he proceeds to bring about the very thing he fears in order to be in total control.

 

Never feel sorry for a person who makes your life miserable, not matter what their background or reasoning.

 

You sound like a very sweet, loving and caring person and you deserve to have someone in your life who appreciates that, who won't call you names, who won't put you down, and won't keep asking you to leave. If you don't move on, you will be cursed forever with a damnable situation that will make life totally miserable for you and your daughter. Your daughter did nothing to deserve being raised in this kind if atmosphere.

 

As for his daughter, have a good talk with her, make sure she has a way of contacting you and make arrangements to see her when it is convenient for you. But look out for yourself first.

 

I have a notion that you too were brought up in a less than normal home situation. If you had come from a healthy, supportive, communicative home, you would not put up with this guy's crap for even a DAY!!!

 

No matter what difficulties moving presents to you, GET OUT. The financial and other discomfort will be heaven compared with staying where you are now.

 

Don't ever return to this man on a permanent basis until you have experienced being with him for a very long time. As I said, he may cry, beg you to come back, promise to change...but any changes made will not last unless they are accompanied by professional, long-term therapy by an excellent, qualified psychologist coupled with a dedication to change ON HIS PART.