Really long! How can I get over this?

[DerangedAngel]

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First off, let me go ahead and admit that I am insecure about my looks -so all of you don’t try to suggest that as a problem. I know it’s part of it. I’m simply looking for people who share my problem and can offer any advice to me. My ex of a little over a year was OBSESSED with pretty, and beautiful and perfect women - to where it insulted me and humiliated me and pretty much scarred my “womanhood“. He played horrible head games and would actually act disgusted if I tried to touch him and then would stare at other women lecherously. During my previous relationship I also coincidentally developed a pretty serious eating disorder. There is much more but that's enough on the ex. I feel that I am on the verge of losing my current boyfriend over these things. Let me explain why.

 

BACK STORY: T* and I met last October via Yahoo! Not the best place to hook up, I know. After two months of talking online and over the phone, we found out we had a mutual romantic interest in each other and wanted to pursue a relationship. However, neither of us were at a point in our lives where we were able to drive/fly across the state to meet. Still, we decided we wanted to date, even having never met. (Red flags everywhere now, eh?) This guy definitely had the words I needed/wanted to hear and soon I found myself, maybe ridiculously, loving him. Perhaps it was dumb to start out being “exclusive”, but we did. Since the day we made this decision, I have not been involved with anyone else. But... unfortunately, hormones were destined to override the connection he felt with me, and he began going out with his ex-girlfriend of 4+ years without my knowledge. Since I want to be completely clear about my feelings, I’ll just be blunt on what I believe to have happened as far as sexual interaction. According to T*, she performed oral sex for him two or three times, with him never returning the favor. She, of course, tells me otherwise. These are among the sexual encounters she swears they shared during this time : Two threesomes, oral sex (for him and her), anal sex, and good ol’ old-fashioned intercourse. I believe T*.

 

It would take too much time to explain how I found out about this, but it was in April of this year. Right after we had spent a wonderful week really getting to know each other “in person”.

 

HIS DEFENSE: We had never met. I couldn’t think of you as a real person. How did I know you were all that you said you were?

 

MY OPPOSITION: I cared enough to commit to you. If you thought I was lying about who I was then why did you waste your time on me?

 

The first fight (occurring right after he returned from visiting me) resulted in me not being sure that I wanted to continue in our relationship. The trust was gone, I knew. But should it have ever been there? Maybe he had a point. We had never met. We had never met. We had never met. But I loved him, didn’t I? Hell yeah I did. And I didn’t want to lose him because of this. T*, after driving 9 hours home the previous day... turned around to come apologize to my face. He was sorry. He still loved me. Ok, I thought. We have a chance to have something special.

 

INCOMING: (I don’t remember how this all came about but somehow, at the exact same time I was introduced to: ) MY MAN WANTS THREESOMES AND IF I LOVED HIM, I WOULD GET OVER THE FACT THAT I’M NOT INTO THAT @ ALL.

 

Ok... Now I am majorly hurt that yet again: I am not enough for my guy. After crying many a river, we had a solution to this. T* would never ask me to do this and if he ever felt that he needed to leave me because I wasn’t willing to try it, he would tell me beforehand. I wasn’t satisfied. I don’t see how any woman in love - and needing love - would be. But that’s beside the point. Next solution, he would try to change. Although he was not sure he could. Oh how I loved him for that. For giving me a chance to try to be his everything. I wanted to be so bad. Months go by, he only wants to be with me! He HAS changed. He’s put that part of his life in his past and he truly loves me. Understands me. Respects me. Does not want to degrade me. Knows how bad it would hurt me. I am thrilled. I can be enough. I can make him as happy as 10 women, I know it.

 

Life goes on as normal, but then... one night, we’re fighting. Is he attracted to other women? Yes. Does he want to “trade me in”? No. Would he like to see me with other women? Yes. Would he still like for me to watch another woman give him pleasure? Yes. (I am more than crushed.) Do you still desire all those things, T*? Yes.

 

Come to find out, my guy didn’t change. He only suppresses these feelings. It took me awhile to understand that, after various comparisons to loads of dirt traveling between point A and point B. Just because he lost a few shovel fulls, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. Translation: The dirt that stays on is like his attraction for me. Some dirt falls off (attraction for other woman and desire for threesomes). I don’t get all the dirt but I get the most. Somehow I feel like I’ve paid for ALL the dirt, because I don’t let my eyes wander, nor my mind. He gets all my dirt. Ok, this is silly. I hope you are understanding. Because this is such a touchy subject, we never really resolved it. As far as I’m concerned, we avoid it just to keep from fighting. Which we are starting to do a lot, and I hate... because this guy is so special to me. It is a very high priority in my life to be special to him as well.

 

To wrap it up, I'm in the process of looking for a counselor and I've been reading on self esteem and irrational jealousy issues. I am not built like a Playboy Playmate or chesty or anything, but I do try to look my best for him. I love him very much and I want to be a girlfriend that he is proud of, you know? The thought of him masturbating (desiring, wanting, lusting) to paper dolls makes me feel like I am so ugly. This is also cheating to me. I would like to be numero uno as far as a woman/lover/lust goddess for him. I feel like I have to come up with something sexual to compete with multiple partners. I should have mentioned previously that my boyfriend is into D/s behavior. I was confused by this at first, but I understand now that it makes him happy to know that I have a strong desire to please him. Because I DO have this desire, I have been looking into books about BDSM (Such as The Loving Dominant and SM101). To be honest, imagining some of it scares me. On the other hand, I would see myself liking most of it. It just seems to be this huge web of so many rules though. I’m not supposed to enjoy any of it. And look what I just said? “On the other hand, I would see myself liking most of it.” Still, if you love someone, and they’re touching you in a sexual manner with your consent... how can you not feel good? And love them even more? Could I be successfully submissive? I don’t know. But I want to be. For him. I would never tell him this because he would probably either laugh or be disappointed but, so far, the only thing I have to work with is that my desire for him to have pleasure surpasses my own desire. I really need to sit down and talk to him about this. But its awkward. Am I his slave 24/7? Can I never hug him? Kiss him? Unless he instructs me to do so? I’m getting off track. I just wanna rock his world, I guess. In the best ways that I can. I know I probably will never live up to his ex, as she was all his fantasies realized. I still wish that I could be his sexual fantasy, despite the fact I’m not a bisexual whore. I mean I guess he finds me somewhat sexy, but... its not the same. I WANT HIS FANTASY TO BE ME alone. I want to be enough.

 

CLOSING THOUGHT: I have had a hard time getting over his involvement with his ex while we were dating. Although I believe that he has not seen her since we officially met, she has continued to send me messages and email for months now. Always giving me doubts. And I confront T* about it, only to find us in yet another fight about trust. As an example of these messages (and to show you how much of a ...... this woman is), two days before our 1 year anniversary, the day we agreed we wanted to date each other exclusively, she sends me: ‘I suppose a Happy Anniversary is in order, but, at this time last year, he was dating me as well. lol’. How cold is that? I never did anything to her, and have had nothing to say to her since right after I found out. She just won’t leave me alone. Nor will she stop calling him! But oh well.

 

I should have blocked her email and messages a long time ago, but I was always afraid to break the connection in case some day, she had something to say that I needed to her. Due to a recent fight with T*, I have made the only effort I can as of now to prevent her from contacting me. I’m tired of the added stress. We are good together. So good. He makes me very happy... I am my best with him.

 

I’m not really sure what I’m asking for here, advice on how to feel better about T*’s desires, advice on how to feel better about myself, advice on how to get over what happened before we met face to face. Advice on all three. I just needed to air this to someone I didn’t really know, who wouldn’t pick a fight, and who wouldn’t really be able to judge. Thanks very much for reading. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[moimeme]

Wow. I lost you someplace in the dirt and the shovels.

 

First - are you still LD or do you see each other 3D? If the latter, how much and what are your plans for the future?

 

We had never met. I couldn’t think of you as a real person. How did I know you were all that you said you were?

 

That is a toughie, for sure. He had a point, of course. Cyber friends always do seem 'unreal' in one sense and certainly there are reasons to be cautious. Still, the best policy, I think, would be to be frank and say that you'll make no promises until the 3D interaction takes place.

 

after driving 9 hours home the previous day... turned around to come apologize to my face

 

That is a pretty impressive gesture of sincerity. OTOH, if you are still conducting this relationship LD with few meetings, it's not on very solid ground even yet.

 

Your other issue is his sexual fantasies; he's into threesomes and S/D. This could be a deal-breaker for you if he MUST have threesomes and some S/D you're not into. Ideally, you can work out a compromise you can live with. If his ex were 'all his fantasies realized', she wouldn't be his ex.

 

However, the crux of the problem is that you seem to have had little face-to-face time and relationships need that to keep them strong. You're insecure about the relationship for a number of reasons, but this one is the basis for them, really.

[DerangedAngel]

Thanks for your reply. Actually, since this past May we have been spending a lot of time together, although we still live quite a ways apart. He visits me as much as he can, and likewise. We are talking about one of us making a move: that will more than likely be me because of jobs, family, etc. And he acts like he wants this very soon. So do I, really, but I just don't want to find out I'm not what he wants right now. My main concern is my feeling that.. If someone loves you, they won't want to bring any attraction they feel with another, into your bedroom. You know? Its ok if he glances at a woman in a short skirt and low cut shirt, but hey.. I shouldn't have to compete with her. IMO. Maybe I'm just super jealous. Am I supposed to be ok with watching him touch another woman???

[moimeme]

Am I supposed to be ok with watching him touch another woman???

 

Some people are but that doesn't mean anybody is 'supposed' to. Just like people aren't 'supposed' to enjoy BDSM, but many do.

[DerangedAngel]

I'm so afraid of sounding stupid here, but - will he love me less if I make him ignore his desires? I mean, who makes the sacrifice. I love him. He loves me. Who gets what they want? Do I give in because I love him, or does he enjoy me without the group sex?

[moimeme]

It all depends on how badly he wants or needs this and how much he is willing to do for the relationship. If it's just a fantasy that he enjoys (and it's not as though he hasn't already had a chance to try it), it may have been enough for him. Even if he got totally hooked on threesomes, he could lose the taste for them if he tried to, I think. However, as with fetishes and pedophilia and all sort of other practices, many seem to be very deeply ingrained.

 

I think you need to have a conversation in which you ask him how he would feel if he could never have a threesome again.