PinkToes Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 This phrase is starting to drive me crazy. I've been the OW in an EA, and it was a pretty stupid thing for me to do. But it didn't "just happen." I made a decision to allow my feelings to grow, and I made a decision to spend time with him and create an intimacy that wasn't appropriate. There were plenty of times along the way when I knew where we were headed, and I did absolutely nothing to stop that course. So yeah, we developed pretty intense feelings for each other, and the situation grew ever more complicated. But it didn't just happen any more than a car just happens to run out of gas if you ignore the fuel gauge! Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 the first initial feelings for each other "just happened." we had known each other for years. one night it was suddenly more. the first time i had feelings for him just happened. out of the blue. after that it was all intentional. but the change in feelings that we had for each other came from no where, no precipitating event, it was suddenly just there. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 MBEG, Up to a point , I agree with you. But isn't it also true that you (pl) make yourself receptive to those feelings? I know that when I cheated on my (first)wife, I wasn't looking to find somebody, but when she appeared, I was open for those feelings. Maybe it was unconscious, but I was giving off something that meshed with what she was giving off. Then, after the initial spark of attraction, everything else was free-will. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 yes, i agree. i distinctly remember thinking to myself on the first night we kissed. i remember thinking "i dont want to cheat on my husband, i dont want to have an affair with this man." and then, i did. so that didnt just happen. i thought about it first but still acted. but the attraction that we had for each other honestly did just happen. its like for years i knew him and then suddenly one day saw him in a different light. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Attraction is attraction. It might even be chemical, like pheromones. It's how you react to this feeling that separates the adults from the immature, or the weak from the strong. I wasn't strong enough to resist, I didn't really even want to. I just knew I had to have her, and would do anything to make her mine. Lie, cheat steal, anything. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I disagree. I think affairs for the most part do 'just happen'. To use the analogy above: The car does 'just' run out of fuel if you don't do anything to stop it (i.e. refuel). That doesn't mean it's inevitable, it can be prevented, but if you don't do anything to prevent it, it will happen. We know it will, and we let it happen. We don't have to do anything deliberate to make it happen (for example, putting a screwdriver through the fuel tank/ going out as a married person looking for someone to have an affair with)... but it will just go ahead inevitably if we don't stop it. In the same way, an attraction between two people can be stopped in it's tracks - sometimes with huge amounts of self-control, and self-awareness, and the sense to realise what is happening before it's 'too late' but it's still possible. Running out of fuel does 'just happen'... sometimes we're not paying attention to the guage, we think we'll make it to the next fuel station but we don't, or it's closed. It happens. It is preventable, but it happens. And with fuel we're all aware that it can happen to us, and WILL, if we don't take precautions against it. But how many of us realise that an affair can 'happen to us' if we don't take precautions against it? Pretending that it's a deliberate act and not something we can drift into without thinking actually makes an affair more likely. Affairs can, and do 'just happen'. So wake up, and take precautions against it. First off: stop thinking they don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Myusername Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I dated a good, honest man whose basic rule was that he did not ever put himself in a situation that would allow him to be vulnerable to cheating, and he never did on anyone. So if you asked him, he would absolutely agree that things don't just happen, you put on a vibe or are open to those situations, in his eyes ------and to a degree, I agree. ...........Ooooops I did not mean it, I tripped and fell on top of a woman accidentally, (with a hard on) how did that happen, I was just minding my business. LOL...true to man or woman... Live and learn, and don't repeat dumb things! Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 There probably is at least one point where if you're really truthful with yourself, you know you're stepping into dangerous territory. But it's pretty easy to ignore it when you're caught up with the fluttery feelings and excitement of something new. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 In my experience, "inappropriate" feelings DO "just happen." (And since when does love take its course based on whether the situation is "inappropriate" or not?? Love is anything but rational!) It is only my own outward behavior, the actions I take, that I can control. I cannot control my feelings about someone. When I love 'em, I love 'em. It's as simple as that. It's what I do about those feelings that really matters. And no matter which path I choose, I'm going to suffer. If I indulge my feelings, I'll suffer. If I don't indulge my feelings, I'll suffer. It goes hand-in-hand with loving someone. Love brings me great pain, and great joy. Every time. Again, my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I disagree. I think affairs for the most part do 'just happen'. To use the analogy above: The car does 'just' run out of fuel if you don't do anything to stop it (i.e. refuel). That doesn't mean it's inevitable, it can be prevented, but if you don't do anything to prevent it, it will happen. We know it will, and we let it happen. We don't have to do anything deliberate to make it happen (for example, putting a screwdriver through the fuel tank/ going out as a married person looking for someone to have an affair with)... but it will just go ahead inevitably if we don't stop it. In the same way, an attraction between two people can be stopped in it's tracks - sometimes with huge amounts of self-control, and self-awareness, and the sense to realise what is happening before it's 'too late' but it's still possible. Running out of fuel does 'just happen'... sometimes we're not paying attention to the guage, we think we'll make it to the next fuel station but we don't, or it's closed. It happens. It is preventable, but it happens. And with fuel we're all aware that it can happen to us, and WILL, if we don't take precautions against it. But how many of us realise that an affair can 'happen to us' if we don't take precautions against it? Pretending that it's a deliberate act and not something we can drift into without thinking actually makes an affair more likely. Affairs can, and do 'just happen'. So wake up, and take precautions against it. First off: stop thinking they don't. I have to say that your entire post, rather than supporting your assertion that affairs DO "just happen", made the point that people make conscious decisions to let them happen. A poster here recently said something about having zero romantic feelings for his AP until she said that she was in love with him, and then the EMA "just happened" like magic. If he hadn't WANTED the EMA, then then he could have just backed away from the friendship before he allowed his previous feelings of friendship only to turn into something more. He was content with friendship before and had no thoughts of anything more, so keeping away from the illicit really shouldn't have been that big of a struggle, no? My EMA didn't just happen. We met, we met again for lunch, we both acknowledged the attraction in non-verbal ways and then we both got the courage to acknowledge it verbally, met for lunch again and we both wanted to kiss each other. End of story - the EMA was in full-blown mode by then. We both instigated it by our actions, and we both enabled it to continue. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 In 30 years of driving I have never run out of gas. I can't imagine me thinking that it might "just happen" even if I did. The only way that seems remotely believable if is one is operating with a faulty gauge. In 24 years, no affair. Does it make one feel better and less responsible to wax "it just happened"? I certainly understand that someone might not set out intentionally to have an affair, that feelings hit them before they realized what actually was going on. But unless you have a faulty gauge or a gun to your head you understand that the way out is through same door you came in. Why do people feel better about their own reality just because they can convince themselves that it was some accident rather than a conscious choice? Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 In my case, on my side of things, getting involved in an AFFAIR did just happen. I thought he was single. By the time I found out otherwise, my heart was his to do with as he pleased. I know that sounds weak of me. But I promise you as weak as I sometimes appear to other people, it takes a lot of strength to stay in an affair. I am hoping that whatever the outcome, that too just happens. (Does falling out of love just happen the same way falling into it does?) Link to post Share on other sites
girly81 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 The attraction just happened. I remember being intensely surprised by it. What comes next did not just happen. It was very easy, very comfortable, there was a magnetic connection- but I knew I should run the other way and didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 There probably is at least one point where if you're really truthful with yourself, you know you're stepping into dangerous territory. But it's pretty easy to ignore it when you're caught up with the fluttery feelings and excitement of something new. You could interchange the word "cheating" for the word "stealing" and the above would still be true. Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Well I will second the 'It just Happened' because although I knew my MM socially, one day he just looked at me that way, and I was mesmerised completely, like he had totally hypnotised me and I have been that way ever since. Sounds pathetic to some, but it is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Ok, so he looked at you, you were mesmerized, he opened his fly, and you fell on his d*ck? So you were mesmerized. You made a decision to move on past mesmerization. You both made decisions to put yourselves in situations where you could build intimacy and act upon impulses. Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Ok, so he looked at you, you were mesmerized, he opened his fly, and you fell on his d*ck? So you were mesmerized. You made a decision to move on past mesmerization. You both made decisions to put yourselves in situations where you could build intimacy and act upon impulses. Actually No No and No it was a while before it became physical, if that were all it was, it would be so much easier. I was and he was totally for the first time in our lives, unable to stop this. Really it is hard to explain if you never have experienced it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 I was in an affair. No, it isn't FUN to stop it. But it is definitely do-able. You are making a CHOICE that is more enjoyable and more pleasurable; you don't WANT to stop it. But you CAN stop it. You just don't WANT to. But I own my choices. I made the choice to have lunch with him after I acknowledged that 1) I was attracted to him 2) he was married and 3) I thought that the attraction was mutual. I made the choice to stroke the arm of his jacket and tell him how much I liked the softness and quality of the leather. I made the choice to lean towards instead of look away from that first kiss. I wasn't a child - I knew when he tilted his head that he was going to move towards me for a kiss, and I knew that all I had to do was move an inch away from him and look away - and the moment would be gone. But I didn't. I WANTED the kiss, and I made the decision to be kissed. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Things 'just happen' because people want them to. Plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 MC's find the term "Well, it just happened...." somewhat laughable. Sorry all. Attractions to others can and do just happen. But when you go back and examine the million little steps taken to proceed from that point to an EA or PA, well that takes a lot of planning, encouragement and secrecy.... Some people have strong boundaries. They identify the attraction, shut it down, and imagine this: Discuss it with SO and two people come up with a plan to preserve the primary relationship. Others do not. If you imagine the first thought, action or conversation with the object of your attraction that you kept secret from your SO...well, that was the first baby step. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeless4u Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 I agree with 'it just happened' to some extent, I met my MM at our work Christmas party so alcohol had some part in it as I would have never gone near a MM. At first we just e mailed and txt each other and I told myself we hadn't done anything wrong and we did try to end things before we had slept together, that was when I realised I had fallen for him, when I was faced with the thought of not having him in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 I agree with 'it just happened' to some extent, I met my MM at our work Christmas party so alcohol had some part in it as I would have never gone near a MM. At first we just e mailed and txt each other and I told myself we hadn't done anything wrong and we did try to end things before we had slept together, that was when I realised I had fallen for him, when I was faced with the thought of not having him in my life. Unless you were inebriated every time you sent a text or email, it didn't just happen. You planned what you would say in every email, every text and then you told yourself that you didn't do anything wrong. You made several decisions that put you on the path to the affair, accept them as they are choices, "happenings" of some kind. Choices. Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Mine?? Definitely was stupidity .. started as a NSA on both sides. Word to the wise: NSA A's DO NOT WORK!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 You could interchange the word "cheating" for the word "stealing" and the above would still be true. Very true. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeless4u Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Unless you were inebriated every time you sent a text or email, it didn't just happen. You planned what you would say in every email, every text and then you told yourself that you didn't do anything wrong. You made several decisions that put you on the path to the affair, accept them as they are choices, "happenings" of some kind. Choices. No obviously I have not been drunk for the last 2 years! I meant the initial meeting just happened but if I hadn't been in 'party mode' I'd of walked away that night and never looked back. I know I made the rest happen and believe me I'm paying the price. I'm not making excuses I know what we are doing is wrong hence why I'm here trying to make some sense of things and hopefully find some sort of closure for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
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