neoskunk Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Recently my girlfriend of almost four years started acting kind of weird and telling me she was unhappy all of a sudden. It was quite the surprise to me but we had been going through some rough times (eg. arguments) so I thought things would be ok with time. However, after a week or two went by she told me she needed space/time, saying stuff like in the future we might be able to be together, and she couldn't see us raising a family because of our differences. So she broke up with me. I broke down and cried in front of her which was probably stupid. The week following we hung out everyday, talked constantly and she would even still let me kiss her but still insisted we were broken up. We have been going out for four years I don't think our differences are the problem. What is my girl feeling and why is she feeling that way all of a sudden? I got the advice of friends and family, even including her mom, who all told me I needed to give her the space she asked for and stop chasing her. Let her initiate things and come back to me if thats what she wanted. So that's what I did I told her I loved her and because I love her I was going to give her the space she asked for. My question is this....is this really what I should be doing? It seems to me like she doesn't really want to break up. Why would she still say she loves me and still hang out and kiss me? Whats my best bet for getting her back/ what do you think the chances of her coming back are? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Recently my girlfriend of almost four years started acting kind of weird and telling me she was unhappy all of a sudden. It was quite the surprise to me but we had been going through some rough times (eg. arguments) so I thought things would be ok with time. However, after a week or two went by she told me she needed space/time, saying stuff like in the future we might be able to be together, and she couldn't see us raising a family because of our differences. So she broke up with me. I broke down and cried in front of her which was probably stupid. The week following we hung out everyday, talked constantly and she would even still let me kiss her but still insisted we were broken up. We have been going out for four years I don't think our differences are the problem. What is my girl feeling and why is she feeling that way all of a sudden? I got the advice of friends and family, even including her mom, who all told me I needed to give her the space she asked for and stop chasing her. Let her initiate things and come back to me if thats what she wanted. So that's what I did I told her I loved her and because I love her I was going to give her the space she asked for. My question is this....is this really what I should be doing? It seems to me like she doesn't really want to break up. Why would she still say she loves me and still hang out and kiss me? Whats my best bet for getting her back/ what do you think the chances of her coming back are? Sorry man. Read both of these they be your plan to get through this: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? It will be difficult and you want to fight it. I suspect that she has already someone else in mind. Trust me follow NC. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 I don't know though. I really don't think she has someone else in mind. She says she isnt interested in anyone. And if she hangs out with me everyday how can she have someone else? Plus I guess I didnt really explain fully. Its more of a break. She has told me multiple times that she is still "thinking" about stuff and needs time to figure out what she wants. So in my mind NC sounds like it could make it worse. What I have been doing is very very little contact. At least up until the point where she does say its completely over. Link to post Share on other sites
McGrupp Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 oh man. dont think your situation is different. a lot of people on here went through the exact smae thing (including myself) do NO CONTACT NOW if you even want a slim chance of getting her back. plus you will save yourself a ton of self respect. but only you will learn. youll see Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 My question is this....is this really what I should be doing? It seems to me like she doesn't really want to break up. Why would she still say she loves me and still hang out and kiss me? Whats my best bet for getting her back/ what do you think the chances of her coming back are? Your absolute best bet is to stop making yourself available. Don't call her, email her, text her, anything. If she contacts you, make sure that you sound upbeat and cheerful, and don't let the conversation/email/whatever go on very long. What you want to convey is that, yes, the breakup thing sucks, but as far as you're concerned, life goes on, and you're getting on with it. Keep yourself busy. Make plans with friends. Even better, see about taking a weekend trip with some friends. This may sound like game playing. And maybe it is a bit. But if you want the greatest chance of getting her back, your goal is to show her what she stands to lose. NOT the sad, devastated, pining-for-her guy tht you feel like inside -- nobody wants that back. If she's going to want you back at all, she's going to want back the confident, energized, busy guy you allow her to see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) ok I think i can do that. I really don't think NC is best. But I like the last post and I think that's what I have been doing. It's just hard because I don't want her to think I don't care. But I did take a weekend trip with friends right after the break up and I haven't been texting her or anything but she has been texting me. Is that a good sign? Also is the short replies really best when another thing she told me is that she felt like we never talked "anymore?" Edited November 13, 2009 by neoskunk Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 You have to cut her off completely. If you dont let her miss you, she will eventually downgrade you into friendzone. Whats happening is she has checked out of your relationship months ago, but it takes her a while to really back out of it. But believe me, she is, and she is thinking about someone else. She is probably seeing him sometimes, but isnt completely over you yet. If you want to possibly keep her from running to this guy? She has to miss you, she might not be able to be without contact with you. So you have to tell her its all or nothing, and stick to it. Its hard for you, Ive been there, but you have to cut her off completely. Let her miss you. Problem is, she might come back to you for a while, but since she already fell out of love, women have to really want to be in love with you again for that to work, and that RARELY happens.So dont count on it. BTW, women who cant deal with the guilt of making a clean break with you will tell you all the usual corny excuses - I need space, Maybe the future, need time to think about what she wants, its just a break. There are never "breaks", its just her thinking she needs to let you down gently. Its selfish, and it sucks, but she wants to let go. let her try, but DONT let her use you as a friend in the process, thats what shes doing now. Let her suffer without you. The more you hang around with her, the easier it will be for her to get over you, and then forget about you. The more you hang around, she WILL get sick of you eventually. Then you will NEVER geta second chance. See how this works? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 "Of course we're not talking as much anymore. We're broken up. You wanted space, so I'm giving you space." Maybe even throw in "I care about you more than you know, but this is best for both of us. Life must go on." That way YOU'RE being the strong one who's got his shyt together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 ok so now she says she just did all this because she needs to learn to depend on herself and not me...what the hell is this ****? Link to post Share on other sites
rp123 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 ok so now she says she just did all this because she needs to learn to depend on herself and not me...what the hell is this ****? If your wise, you'll take the advice already given. However, I think the chances of you doing that are zero. It is extremely likely that there IS someone else. You Will refuse to believe this. (Denial) She wants and needs you to counsel her through the break up process, she wants to withdraw slowly, and reduce any guilt, pain of her own. By having ANY contact with her you will help her move away from you. Don't do it. This is probably your only chance. Take it from me, I made all the mistakes, and now you will to.... Its kind of inevitable...... I'm just over 2months NC, she has made a couple of weak contact attempts. She will not get her ego stroked by me anymore, nor will she enjoy any of the benefits of being with me.... Link to post Share on other sites
nobleguy Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 It is extremely likely that there IS someone else. You Will refuse to believe this. (Denial) She wants and needs you to counsel her through the break up process, she wants to withdraw slowly, and reduce any guilt, pain of her own. Yep. Exactly the same as mine. Each time there was someone in the wings waiting for a chance and she knew it. Mine came back (I think through pure guilt) for about four months but it didn't work. Once they have lost that loving feeling (and your ex probably has, and did a while ago) it won't come back. Honestly, take it from people who have learned this the hard way. I regret wasting four months trying to force it to work when I could have been largely over the depression by now and looking forward. Sorry I can't be more positive... Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 no worries. I appreciate all the advice and I'm going to do my best with NC. I'm begginning to see that things probably won't change and even if they do they will never be what they used to. It's pretty much up to her to change things since I haven't really done anything...if she comes crawling back then fine otherwise I'm getting on with my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 no worries. I appreciate all the advice and I'm going to do my best with NC. I'm begginning to see that things probably won't change and even if they do they will never be what they used to. It's pretty much up to her to change things since I haven't really done anything...if she comes crawling back then fine otherwise I'm getting on with my life. We cant stress enough, read those guides... 10 times each... I'm not kidding. There are MANY here that would have killed to have seen them right after their breakup (raises hand). It is win win if you can absorb and really execute the advice. Win 1 = you realize that the world does not begin and end with anyone else but yourself. Win 2 = And it needs to be stressed that this is a bonus, not the objective, that MAYBE you can work things out. However, don't stop executing the the guide (Second Chances) where it pertains to self improvement if you do get back together. This is important because, you think you did 'nothing wrong' but she sees (or does not see) 'something' trust me. Don't try to pull it out of her either. Just work on being a stud, confident, a decision maker - your first being to take the advice of everyone here and really do it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I won't pretend that I would have any easier time following this advice, but I think it is good. (The NC advice) My boyfriend wanted "space" to examine our relationship back in March/April of this year, and it pissed me off so much that over the next two/three weeks I decided to just break up with him. He went nuts -- did everything he could to get me back. So I think these guys are right -- it might work. Either way -- whether it ends permanently or you get back together -- NC hurts. But it always gets better. Good luck and keep posting if it helps -- it helps me a ton. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 yea posting does help me because all i want to do is contact her and talk about "us." which I know is probably not going to change anything. Anyway suppose all of this was really just about her becoming independent, why after 4 years would she suddenly feel that she needs to be independent? isn't the point of a boyfriend or girlfriend to have someone else you can depend on? I mean not entirely but to some extent... Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 why after 4 years would she suddenly feel that she needs to be independent? Let her figure out what that means... You'll be too busy working on you to worry about it... You should be on your third read of the guides, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 yea posting does help me because all i want to do is contact her and talk about "us." which I know is probably not going to change anything. Anyway suppose all of this was really just about her becoming independent, why after 4 years would she suddenly feel that she needs to be independent? isn't the point of a boyfriend or girlfriend to have someone else you can depend on? I mean not entirely but to some extent... Well how old are you guys for one thing? Don't worry I'm posting all the time, because I'm doing low contact with my ex and all I want to do is write or call him, too. When I felt like I needed to be more "independent" it was because I realized my whole life was revolving around my relationship, I wasn't doing as much stuff with my friends and family, or I was not participating in some of my volunteer activities like I used to. I cant' speak for her but that was what my thinking was -- like I needed to have more of my own life, b/c I was so wrapped up in his.. I always wanted to be home when he was home and it was even sort of smothering him. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 all i want to do is contact her and talk about "us." which I know is probably not going to change anything Cardinal sin, NEVER talk about 'us' or the relationship unless she brings it up... I broke that enough times to watch every imaginable way she could get out of the conversation thereafter... Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 I'm 20 and she is 19. Yea we are young I know and don't know what we want I have heard that all before but it doesn't make things any easier. Yes I am reading the guides...I think I have read them both probably 5 times. The way the relationship is now I don't think you can really call it broken up. She keeps saying she is trying to figure out what she wants/needs and "for now" she wants/needs "space" and will let me know when she makes a decision. So I guess the resounding answer to this problem is for me to get out of her life go NC? If she wants to be with me she will come back? "If you love it set it free, if it comes back its yours if not it never was." Link to post Share on other sites
wondering_girl Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 hi neo, just wanted to let you know i'm going through this time apart too and it weirds me out because he was the one that started an argument and blown something up that caused us to fall apart.....he had poor communication skills. the thing that hurts here is we're uncertain i guess or we're hanging into some hope that they'll come back... it's horrible - oh yeah, we're in our late 20's and we were together for 4 years as well. wanted to let you know you're not alone.... Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 I'm 20 and she is 19. Yea we are young I know and don't know what we want I have heard that all before but it doesn't make things any easier. Yes I am reading the guides...I think I have read them both probably 5 times. The way the relationship is now I don't think you can really call it broken up. She keeps saying she is trying to figure out what she wants/needs and "for now" she wants/needs "space" and will let me know when she makes a decision. So I guess the resounding answer to this problem is for me to get out of her life go NC? If she wants to be with me she will come back? "If you love it set it free, if it comes back its yours if not it never was." Well on one hand maybe you both really do need some independence. How do you know what you really want if all you've ever known is her, ya know? At the same time, there's no urgency on her part if she knows you are just waiting around for her to "make up her mind". I know it's rough --- I've been there. But I am not sure my boyfriend would have ever "made up his mind" had he not thought "Oh s***, I just lost her" when I broke up with him. I know my writing it doesn't help you much, but you deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 wondering_girl: thanks its good to know I'm not the only one. stace79: you are right i guess i dont know what i really want but in my opinion all those people who say "date around find out if you are right for each other" are wrong. Why let go of a good thing? and as for the urgency that seems to be a point of differing opinions....some have said forcing her to choose something before she is ready will only make things worse...and then like you said I shouldn't just be sitting around waiting for her. So i don't really know what the answer is. My plan at this point is simply to leave her alone. If she wants to contact me then fine. I just wish she would make up her mind so I can either get over her or we can start to rebuild things. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Heres the deal Neoskunk... every time you talk to her, she will come up with a different excuse. She will keep coming up with excuses to avoid telling you straight up :I lost interest in you months ago, and I found some I'd rather be with." She isnt lying to you to spare your feelings though, shes lying to you to spare her guilt. The more you talk to her, she more she sees how desperate you are to get back with her, which is a turnoff, and the faster she will get over you. Thats why you have to cut her off, and not make it easy for her. Ill give you an example. My ex left me and at different times gave all these reasons: 1.) I need space/time 2.) Im confused maybe we should take a break 3.) Your feelings are supposed to be unconditional 4.) I feel like you will leave me if I become disfiguered or something 5.) I need to be able to choose if I want kids before Im 35 6.) Maybe in the future, blah blah blah 7.) I want to find mr right The real reason was she didnt think I would commit to her, and she already was dating the guy shes with now, and lied to me about it. They LIE when they want to get rid of you. Dont believe anything she says. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Dont believe anything she says. The rule I adopted: Pay more attention to what they do, less to what they say. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Recently my girlfriend of almost four years started acting kind of weird and telling me she was unhappy all of a sudden. It was quite the surprise to me but we had been going through some rough times (eg. arguments) so I thought things would be ok with time. However, after a week or two went by she told me she needed space/time, saying stuff like in the future we might be able to be together, and she couldn't see us raising a family because of our differences. So she broke up with me. I broke down and cried in front of her which was probably stupid. The week following we hung out everyday, talked constantly and she would even still let me kiss her but still insisted we were broken up. We have been going out for four years I don't think our differences are the problem. What is my girl feeling and why is she feeling that way all of a sudden? I got the advice of friends and family, even including her mom, who all told me I needed to give her the space she asked for and stop chasing her. Let her initiate things and come back to me if thats what she wanted. So that's what I did I told her I loved her and because I love her I was going to give her the space she asked for. My question is this....is this really what I should be doing? It seems to me like she doesn't really want to break up. Why would she still say she loves me and still hang out and kiss me? Whats my best bet for getting her back/ what do you think the chances of her coming back are? 99 out of 100 times, when someone says they need "space," they are dumping you. 90 out of 100 times, they've met someone else, but don't want to tell you. I don't know if this is true in your particular case, but I'd bet it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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