Space Ritual Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Sorry, neo. All these guys are right. She is calling all the shots... and no woman can respect a man who rolls over and lets her call ALL the shots. If you have any self-respect, you need to put a stop to her jerking you around -- that's exactly what she's doing -- right now. This is painful to watch. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. This is indeed painful to watch. This poor guy is in for a world of hurt in the next few weeks. Just wait until the Holidays roll around in a few weeks with all the parties, etc. Neo I hope you have a crate of Kleenex, a bottle of whiskey and Michael Martin Murphy's "Wildfire" queued up in your CD player. You are gonna need it. Sorry dude, she has you by the balls. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 well for my sake I hope you are all wrong but I have already told you if it ends it ends and im ok with that now. secondly, is it bad that i just had the best sex of my life? haha yea we had sex....and no she didn't initiate it. we were sitting on the couch and I picked her up and took her to her bed so I dont know who has who in control. my main concern now is whether or not that meant anything to her or if im just becoming a booty call. I think i already know how you guys are going to react. Telling me how stupid it was to do that but it may just have put the spark back into whatever was missing it. I'm sure its meaningless but during the act she did say how much she missed me and how she had lied about not being physically attracted to me anymore. I can't wait to see what you guys have to say about this... Link to post Share on other sites
nobleguy Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 well for my sake I hope you are all wrong but I have already told you if it ends it ends and im ok with that now. secondly, is it bad that i just had the best sex of my life? Trust me, it will seem like the worst sex of your life in a few weeks. Been there. Done it. Honestly. And I don't think you will be OK when it ends. We may all be wrong of course, but I'm convinced you are going to be hit hard...sorry for being so negative. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I think what everybody here is failing to see is that we all want other people to be "spared" by the mistakes WE'VE all made... Just like a parent wanting better for his child, we want you to learn from the mistakes WE made so YOU won't get hurt. But unfortunately, we don't all learn that way. Some of us have to make the mistakes and screw things up before we really learn something. That's part of life. So while it may seem like Neo is making huge mistakes here, he is still going to learn something from all this. We have all given our advice, and now we have to let him take that for what it is and make his own decisions as best he can. If he falls flat on his face, then he will learn something, If he doesn't then great for him! I really hope she does come around for you.... Link to post Share on other sites
ditched Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 All i can think is "oh no, this poor guy's a goner" However, i'm pretty sure that if i was in his shoes, i'd be doing exactly what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 All i can think is "oh no, this poor guy's a goner" However, i'm pretty sure that if i was in his shoes, i'd be doing exactly what he is doing. And I wish I would have seen this site before I had... I really had hopes for neo... Kinda like he had a shot to do what I did not... Living vicariously if you will... Neo, if you don't heed what we are saying, Im sorry, but you will regret it... Hope it works out for you neo, we all do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 Thanks guys...I'll keep you posted on what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 ok nothing has happened but I wanted to see what your opinion was on this.... so lets say hypothetically that she just considers us "dating" because she wants the thrill of dating back in our relationship. I'm fairly certain if that is the case I can bring her back to me but the feeling of new love or whatever can't last forever can it? I mean it has to progress toward something. After nearly 4 years things can't be the same as they were the first few months which is kind of how I feel she wants things to be. I mean maybe things were bad before the break and there is a happy medium between that and the new love feeling but she can't honestly expect things to be blissful at every moment in our relationship can she? any thoughts? ideas to keep things interesting over long periods of time? Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 ok nothing has happened but I wanted to see what your opinion was on this.... so lets say hypothetically that she just considers us "dating" because she wants the thrill of dating back in our relationship. I'm fairly certain if that is the case I can bring her back to me but the feeling of new love or whatever can't last forever can it? I mean it has to progress toward something. After nearly 4 years things can't be the same as they were the first few months which is kind of how I feel she wants things to be. I mean maybe things were bad before the break and there is a happy medium between that and the new love feeling but she can't honestly expect things to be blissful at every moment in our relationship can she? any thoughts? ideas to keep things interesting over long periods of time? You are asking the wrong question (at least at this time). You dont tell someone you are just dating again after 4 years for the reasons you think. You say them so there is no consequence for dating others. You need to start getting selfish here neo... and a little angry... Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 Its possible but I asked her specifically if this meant we were exclusive and she said yes she wasn't dating anyone else. Now I suppose she could be lying but its also possible people interpret the titles differently. Dating and have the title bf/gf could just be the same thing with varying degrees of seriousness. Who decides what title means what? Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Its possible but I asked her specifically if this meant we were exclusive and she said yes she wasn't dating anyone else. Wasn't or wouldn't? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 so lets say hypothetically that she just considers us "dating" because she wants the thrill of dating back in our relationship. I'm fairly certain if that is the case I can bring her back to me but the feeling of new love or whatever can't last forever can it? I mean it has to progress toward something. After nearly 4 years things can't be the same as they were the first few months which is kind of how I feel she wants things to be. I mean maybe things were bad before the break and there is a happy medium between that and the new love feeling but she can't honestly expect things to be blissful at every moment in our relationship can she? any thoughts? ideas to keep things interesting over long periods of time? You are right, and obviously have a mature mindset about love and long-term commitment. Of course you can't sustain the intensity of that initial euphoric high -- but most people don't even begin to grasp the implications of this fact until much later in life, if ever. You are also smart to consider things you can do to inject spark into the relationship. The easiest thing to do is to introduce new and novel experiences back into the relationship. But at this point, I'm not sure how much of the work you should be doing. In every relationship, there is a balance of energy. And she needs to put forth some of the energy, too. It can't all be on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Girlfriend says she needs space/time = It's over Well most of the time anyway! Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Sean: haha yea I was thinking about that earlier...its possible she has tricked me with the wording but its still not my first inclination to think she is dating someone else or will. I guess I could press the issue but its probably not worth the time. Ruby: yea I understand its not all me and it has to be both of us Rooster: thanks I don't think I have heard that perspective yet. Anyways I was talking to a girl friend of mine who is kind of going through the same thing with her boyfriend and she advised me to not press the issue of titles and simply be more fun and outgoing when we are together. She also gave me some ideas of things I could do such as cooking dinner for her which would be novel and at the same time somewhat romantic. Truthfully I don't know how I feel about this advice. Like Ruby said I shouldn't be doing all the work. It sort of feels like I am having to earn my title of boyfriend back, which I think I earned once a long time ago. is it right for me to have to do it again? Maybe she just views me as her entertainment? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Like Ruby said I shouldn't be doing all the work. It sort of feels like I am having to earn my title of boyfriend back, which I think I earned once a long time ago. is it right for me to have to do it again? Maybe she just views me as her entertainment? Yeah, I think she's jerking you around a bit and enjoying the power trip and ego boost. She's bored with the relationship, so she's trying to generate that elusive spark. It's an immature but all too common solution to this basic human relationship problem. This is an important test for you. Will you allow her to keep pushing you away, then reeling you back in like a dog playing fetch? Or will you draw a line and show her that you're not her obedient little puppy? No woman can respect an obedient little puppy. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 No woman can respect an obedient little puppy. You could have called me spot 2 months ago... Link to post Share on other sites
Pfiend101 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 tell her you lost the spark and the only way you can get it back is go out and get head from a bunch of different chicks. See how she likes it. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 it all sounds one way traffic, she has you on a lead and you have to make all the effort. a relationship has to be balanced. if it is you who usually calls her then jsut dont call and see how long it takes for her wonder what is going on. start to be a bit elusive. have other plans so you cant be there every time she wants you there. the only long term hope is for you to do things without her so it looks like you are busy getting on with your life and she is not the centre of it anymore. It is a hard thing to do but at some point you have to twist and cant keep sticking. you have to start to do things to see if she wants more of you. see if she really wants to be with you and not jsut as friends. i would hate for you to be strung along for a few months then suddenly she starts dating someone and stops contacting you. I feel you will hurt at somepoint, it is not going to be something you can avoid. but when it happens stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 I totally understand what you guys are saying and I'm doing my best to not be the obedient little puppy but at the same time still be there for her ya know? Through my pathetic attempt at NC in the beginning I have been way less likely to contact her and she has actually started contacting me more. The girl friend who suggested that I cook dinner for her also said I should do only that and then leave...hopefully leaving her wanting more of me. Truthfully I would love to just tell her here's the deal either you call me your boyfriend or I'm leaving you. But I fear that would force a decision that neither of us wants made. And even if she did regret that decision later would be too proud to admit it. I can't just walk away and start NC right now I just can't do it but I'm still fully expecting the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
Narf Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Your post worries me cause... Why is she doing it to you?? She must know she is hurting you... She must know it isnt what you want... How can she keep you in this "dating" area when you have been together for 4 years! You know her better then anyone... Is she a commitment phobe? Or has trouble opening up to you? Is scared of getting to close? You know yourself best... Can you be serious with her again? Can you forgive the cruel "grey zone"... How much longer can you control your feelings and actions... It is tiring!! You cant be yourself cause you are scared to push her away... Your scared to open up cause she might hurt you again, you try to give her what she wants in the hopes she will commit fully to you again... But what if you become you again?.. Not so control, will that upset her and make her leave again? My advice is be yourself... Dont try impress her just be you... If she doesnt want that back then you are saving yourself so much time and self loathing.. Cause soon enough it will become " I did everything for her! and she still did this to me!!!!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 no she is not a commitment phobe I don't think since we were together for at least 3 years without a complaint. We were and still are very close. I kind of forgot to mention it but the day I came over to have my little talk with her she was wearing my clothes and eating reeses puffs which are my favorite so that kind of made me think maybe she does miss me for me. And yes I have made it known that I am uncomfortable with the "dating" zone but she claims that she just does not want the title to be put back on right away. I think more than anything she can't just forget all that happened. She is wanting to see if she can be happy with me again. And for the most part I'm just being myself not trying to do fancy things to impress her or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I think she might be testing you, to see if you are man enough for her for the long haul. Men and women have ways of testing each other to make sure the partner is sound, strong, and capable. So, no matter what, the best thing you can do through this (for the relationship and for yourself) is to be strong, stand tall, and do what you know is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 I would really like to know how this is testing me. She is testing me by breaking up with me and then saying she wants to date me? Sounds like a good way to lose the one you love not test them. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) I dont think she is testing you. Just detaching herself from you but keeping it as friends with benefits until she meets someone else. \she is in that transitional zone where she hasnt quite worked out she is losing feelings for you. How much longer are you going to let it stay like this. Until after xmas? I think you need to be more proactive and decide what you really want from this. Do you want it to go on like this for months? You got to start takign control of the situation Edited November 18, 2009 by adamt Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 What would you suggest I do? I kind of feel like maybe she is just keeping it friends with benefits right now but then again I kind of feel like we are rebuiliding things. I don't really know what I am going to do but I won't let this go on like this forever. I'd say two weeks tops before I start getting irritated with her. Or maybe if she starts to put some effort in to the relationship too then I might give her some time. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts