Girlfriend says she needs space/time

[adamt]

yeah, that sounds like a good idea. give yourself a timeline of a few weeks/1 month to see if she starts to treat you equally as her boyfriend. if nothing changes after this time then you should confront her about it. in the short term it is acceptable but it cant go on like this permanently. no relationship will survice when it is all one sides. deep down you may know something isnt right but afraid to admit it and confront her about it as you are worried she may just dunp you properly. you are hoping that things return to normal naturally. but it shouldnt be like this if you have been together for 4 years

[neoskunk]

I couldn't agree more I think you have hit the nail on the head exactly. I have no problem admitting I am worried that if I confront her about it it will promptly end but I would love if we could just sit down and sort everything out but the problem is she can't even tell me what she wants. In that sense I guess I'm still waiting for her to want to talk to me about everything. And you are exactly right I know something just isn't right...she just isn't the same...its just the little things you start to notice. But I still have hope, everyday I could swear things get a little bit better but maybe I'm just optimistic. I really hope there isn't another guy in the equation though. If thats the case I might just leave her even if she picks me. In my opinion you can't just meet a guy and all of sudden want to date them over your 4 year boyfriend.

 

I realize this thread may make it appear that I am desperate and I let her walk all over me but that's really not the case. I won't let her continue to treat me like this...I'm just more patient than anything else.

[Space Ritual]

Best of Luck to you, Neo.

 

 

I think pretty soon you are going to be regretting this but dont say you havent been warned

[redy2]

neo, sorry your in this situation and i wish you the best. byut be prepared for one day you ask her to do something she says she has plans. then you aslk what she says going out with a friend. you keep pressing with teh questions. which will lead you to find out its a guy. youll start an argument and she'll tell you why are you jealous we are dating not bf gf.

 

 

her not wanting to label you as bf and gf is just to clear her of guilt so she can exploreand if something pops up she can feel free to persue it. not saying she is now.

 

im not advocating you go nc or be mean or try and make her jealous. just prepare yourself for that day. when you do split. because whether you want to admit it or not it is coming. and if you arent prepared you could go in a deep depression and dont confuse sex with a relationship ive had several ex's that i had sex with after we split.

[neoskunk]

thanks for the advice red. I know and am prepared for everything you said or at least I think I am. If she ends up dating someone else I'm gone i'm not even going to bother pressing the issue its not worth my time and me pressing the issue won't make it any better. if anything just leaving without getting jealous or making rude comments would probably get me further in the long run anyways.

[luminorse]

Hey Neo.. this is your relationship and believe me when i say ive bin there b4...the only reason why you'll end up unhappy or without NC is if you dont follow my advice.You love her and you ARE sure to lose her if you cut away..she DEFINITELY has someone else but she's weighing the possiblity of that person being more interesting than you..She's confused but you stand a better chance than the Opposition but you still have to fight to keep your heart 4rm aching..check this link to see how this product changed my mentality,revived my relationship and made me happy.

http://tinyurl.com/yajcbwn .Now i am married2 her and the other Man still calls but she tells me everything

[j_cali_man]

Hey Neo,

 

Man this crap does suck emotionally and I am going through it right now. At 34 no less. This was "it" for both of us (she's 26). Long story but after 3 years and 1 month I was left standing there with a fire poker to the heart. Man it hurts. Been through stuff before (on both sides- breaker and breakee) and this one got me the worst by far. The "fit hit the shan". Anyhow, my advice to you is to knock off the bad self talk about "can't" this and that. I caught myself in that trap too but it makes it way worse. I started the NC thing on 11/14 (last week) and and completely failed by 11/16. So, I have started over and am sucking it up. Your head may be tellign you what you need to hear but it's the heart that mucks everything up. Hang in there....

 

J

[McGrupp]

if u want to see what NOT TO DO

 

check out this thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200021/

[neoskunk]

ok well heres an update...im probably more confused than ever now. We hung out last night and I even slept at her place but I also discovered she had put a passcode on her cell phone and before we went to sleep she hid her phone(i know this because its normally right next to her on the night stand). she gave me some bull **** like "everyone has an iphone and they always pick mine up." so I was like "ok so whats your passcode?" and of course she wouldn't tell me. I'm no stalker and it doesn't really bother me that much its not like I normally check her phone but still why? a friend of mine told me she probably is talking to her friends about the situation and doesn't want me to read the texts but I'm not sure how much I believe that.

 

maybe you guys were right, seems very possible that she is talking to another guy. maybe didn't cheat on me and still hasn't even hung out with him but is interested and is trying to decide over me or him.

[adamt]

Yeah, sounds like something maybe going on. If you are not the sort to get jealous easily but are getting a bit suspicious then something must be up. You either need to confront here about it, ask around to see if anyone knows anything or sit and wait for her to make the effort and see if she notices you not calling. my ex was spending less and less time on msn with me. i started to be the one who had to initiate contact all the time. She was spending more toime on bloody facebook when i was with her. she wasnt talking to another man but i was getting suspicious she was starting to detach herself. my insticts where telling me something wasnt right but i was afraid to confront it because i thought it was just a phase that would pass or i would lose her if i pushed things. in the end i did lose her.

 

i wouldnt play games but i would start doing little tests to see if she is really bothered about you. or just not call her for a bit or return her calls and if she asks just say you have been busy.

Edited November 19, 2009 by adamt

[neoskunk]

yea I kind of pressed the issue and just asked what she had to hide. she told me "nothing. but im sick of people thinking they have the right to know every detail of my life. because in all honesty, no one does." I guess thats a legitimate concern I don't really understand but whatever. This weekend is a mutual friends birthday and we are supposed to go to their party but I think after this weekend I'm gonna try and stop contacting her. She knows exactly how I feel about her and the situation and I feel like I have been chasing her these past 2 weeks without anything in return. If she wants me in her life she needs to show me.

 

and I guess I'm a lot of talk but I really think I need to try and not contact her or at least not as much.

[adamt]

I think you are doing the right thing to take a step back and see how she reacts. I know how hard it is for you do to it. A relationship wont work if it is all coming from one side. see how she reacts if you appear not to be there as much for her on a rubber band. see if she calls you if you stop calling her.appear to be busy if she contacts you. let her call you a couple of times before you respond. see if she starts to worry that she is losing you as you lose interest. if she feels nothing then you will know she isnt really into you anymore. will she sense that something is wrong?its bloody hard to do but in the long run it is for the best. i loved my ex and told her how i felt about her and let her walk away without me making a scene (i was very upset though) because i wanted her to want to be with me without any pressure from me. I felt that if we are meant to be together then we would get back together. 5 months on there is no hope

Edited November 20, 2009 by adamt

[neoskunk]

I feel you man. Its hard to walk away because you kind of have the feeling that you could change things but in reality its all about them. They need to figure out what it is they want. I think its good to let them know how you feel but if everytime you talk about things you feel like you are repeating yourself what good is it? She knows how I feel so if that isn't changing anything than maybe not having me in her life will make her see something but then again maybe not. Either way walking away would give closure of some sort which is what everyone on her has been saying all along.

[adamt]

exactly, give her the chance and time to miss you. if she doesnt miss you as a boyfriend then you know it is time to move on because she will never miss you. if you want to be with someone then you will miss them. Then if she doesnt miss you, then you have your answer and you then focus on moving forward and stick to NC to help you heal. if she later comes back regretting the mistake you wil be in a stronger position to lay down the ground rules or over her or met someone else. you probsbly have lots of unanswered questions you could ask her. but you jsut have to accept they will never be answered,then you have more quesions and really it does change your situation.

 

My ex wanted a break, in the break she text me saying she missed me. a few weeks later we meet up i was all ready in my head to have a heart to heart and patch things up and she said she wanted to split up. i was devastated. made me realise that actions speaks louder than words. after we split up i never heard from her until we bumped into each other 5 months later. judge her by her actions

 

good luck and it sounds you are thinking with your head which is a good thing and you will take the correct route

Edited November 20, 2009 by adamt

[j_cali_man]

The dumper is the one usually saying they need space....but reading this and many other posts I realize it's the dumped (us) who need it even more. I think we forget what OUR own value is and it sucks because the pain hurts so damn much that we let some other person put a value (or lack of one) on us by bailing.

 

F that.

 

J- healing...

[sean1970]

exactly, give her the chance and time to miss you. if she doesnt miss you as a boyfriend then you know it is time to move on because she will never miss you. if you want to be with someone then you will miss them. Then if she doesnt miss you, then you have your answer and you then focus on moving forward and stick to NC to help you heal. if she later comes back regretting the mistake you wil be in a stronger position to lay down the ground rules or over her or met someone else. you probsbly have lots of unanswered questions you could ask her. but you jsut have to accept they will never be answered,then you have more quesions and really it does change your situation.

 

My ex wanted a break, in the break she text me saying she missed me. a few weeks later we meet up i was all ready in my head to have a heart to heart and patch things up and she said she wanted to split up. i was devastated. made me realise that actions speaks louder than words. after we split up i never heard from her until we bumped into each other 5 months later. judge her by her actions

 

good luck and it sounds you are thinking with your head which is a good thing and you will take the correct route

 

Good post... If I may add to it... "Pay more attention to what they do, less to what they say."

[neoskunk]

I would second that, some very wise advice. Actions speak louder than words. Also if I may add something I have learned through all this: sometimes the one you love is more important than things and its important to just be able to say "hey **** it, I love you, lets not argue."

 

I'm kind of stubborn sometimes and I feel like the above is important for me to remember in the future.

[neoskunk]

ok I just wanted see what you guys thought about this. I had another discussion with my girl and she said she wants to be with me but doesn't want to be together all the time. she said being together all the time isn't good and being at each others beck and call isnt good either. I know being together all the time isn't healthy and I don't want that either but lately I have wanted to be with her a lot to smooth things over. I don't want to always be together or always be at each others beck and call but sounds like what she wants is more of a friend. my concern is we are going to drift apart and become less close.

 

what do you guys think? is she just saying this so we slowly break up or is she serious and just wants to slow things down a bit for the time being?

[adamt]

i would try out the push/pull technique. seen it mentioned on here. you push away and the other persons wants to pull you back in. or something like that. basically you pay less attention to them, do your own thing and contact them less so it looks like they are losing you. suddenly they wonder why you lose interest and they start to contact and chase you. i think that is the sort of thing you need to do to see how she act. as mentioned before you need to take note of her actions rather than what she says. if she wants some space to herself then start giving her space, lots of space and see what happens. let her think you are losing interest and she is not at the centre of your life anymore. make plans to do things without her like going out with friends. see if she wonders what you are doing

[redy2]

here is a quote to keep in mind

 

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

 

i agree you should just go by her actions more than her words. and the phone thing why should she have a reason to do that if she isnt hiding something. just sounds like a load of bs. if she doesnt want to be at your beck and call and always around you. how will you ever live together? i know it hurts i been there . but sometimes its better to just cut your loses and heal. this crap will eat you up in side. and no one is worth that .

[neoskunk]

Redy and adam I think you have the same idea and thats what I'm going to try and do. I'm just going to take a chill pill for a while and kind of ride things out, see what happens. I think maybe she just wants things to slow down for a bit and be social without losing me. So for now I'm just going to be thankful we are "dating" and she is talking to me. I'm going to hang out with her less until like you said she "starts chasing me." I can't keep going after her its exhausting.

[sean1970]

So for now I'm just going to be thankful we are "dating" and she is talking to me.

 

Translation: I'm going to help her get over me.

[neoskunk]

haha well for my sake I hope thats an incorrect translation. I think its apparent she still has some feelings for me otherwise this wouldn't have dragged on sooo long. Why would she break up with me and then come back and say we can date? why not just leave things where they were? I truly think she wants to patch things up but can't go right back to the way things were, needs some time to build back up to it.

 

however, weeks or months from now its possible I will be coming back here with my head hung saying you were right all along.

[sean1970]

Why would she break up with me and then come back and say we can date?

 

The dumper still has feelings (guilt, desire for comfort, doubt) and that is usually 'why' they want to be close but not too close.

 

If dating means just you two, ok. However, if dating means other people as well, are you ok with that? If you have not already, you need to get this from her.

 

Either way you look at it, 'dating' is a downgrade from where you were with her. The next downgrade is to 'friend'. Do some searches on LS and see how satisfying that rank is...

[neoskunk]

I asked her specifically the other day whether it was just me and her or were others in the equation and she told me it was just between me and her. So no I'm not ok with her dating other people but until she does date someone else I'm going to assume she wants to work things out without jumping right back into the relationship. And I know if I get downgraded again to friend it will feel awful and I will definately have to step out of her life.