adamt Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) I am a great believer that if someone is happy in a relationship why would they want to slow it down? isnt slowing things down jsut another way of stepping back a little from the relationship? she sounds like "friends with benefits" pick you up and put you back when she wants without the hassle of any commitment. then when someone new comes on the scene you are chucked in the back of the cupboard like a kid with an old toy when he gets a new toy. Lets be honest here, it is mental torture you and either way it cant carry on like this. at some point you will want to sort it once and for all -good or bad outcome. also you are her security while she is probably on the look out for someone else. also bare in mind while you are still together she wont admit to someone else in the picture(if there is someone else) people will lie if they are detaching from a relationship. dont be surprised if you do split up and she is seeing someone else within a month. i might be totally wrong but be prepared for the worst. pay close attention if she seems to be getting more and more distant. if this happens dont let things drag on. i was with my ex far too long in the end and after we split up and my head was back to normal i could see how things were changing in last 4 months. watch out when she is in your company she is texting, on internet or facebooking a lot more. It sounds like you are thinking straight but understandably holding out for hope. I just hope you can sort it sooner rather than later. must be hard to walk away when she is still floating around. My ex clearly said it was over, didnt fancy me anymore, nothing common(how did we last 3 years then), no one else involved. i was in pieces but i knew it was over. i dread to think how i would have coped if she was still flaoting around. i hope you are long gone if she suddenly finds someone else. Edited November 20, 2009 by adamt Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 20, 2009 Author Share Posted November 20, 2009 i feel you man and I understand where you are coming from but I can't walk away in hopes that she isn't lying to me and there is still a chance of "us." I really don't have a choice but to see where things go. Based on everything I know about her I'm going to believe she isn't lying to me about another guy and that the break up was entirely about us. She has never given me any reason to not trust her and I'm hoping time can fix whatever needs to be fixed. Like i said all along though you may be right but I hope you aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 well do what is right for you and go with your gut instincts. but just don't let it carry on like this for too long because if it doesnt work out you will kick yourself for waiting around so long. and if it finally over at some point stick to NC no matter what and keep your self respect and dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 23, 2009 Author Share Posted November 23, 2009 I think things may actually be turning around (knock on wood). I think slowly she may be coming back to me. We spent more than 24 hours together the past 2 days and things were really good between us (not in a friend sort of way but a BF sort of way). She still seems a little bit distant and guarded but not as much as the other days. And as for the stupid passcode I'm still confused because she still won't tell me the password but when she was texting and could see I was concerned she told me who it was and what they were saying. So unless she is straight up lying I don't think the passcode was meant to stop me from reading texts to another guy. long story short anyone reading this and in my place there is hope, although I guess I'm not out of it yet either, things could still rapidly decline but I'm hoping not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted November 23, 2009 Author Share Posted November 23, 2009 only time will tell but I believe you are wrong. i'll keep yall posted on what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 I know I haven't posted on here in a while but here is an update wanted to see what you guys had to say. Me and my girl are still dating or whatever without the title of boyfriend and girlfriend and things are pretty good I think. we see each other almost everyday and she even invited me to vacation with her in Florida over spring break. but the other day I was like, "so when are we going to put the titles back?" and her response was "when I ask you out?!?" what are yall's imediate reactions to this? she broke up with me in the first place so I guess its only right that she "fix it" or whatever but what's her hesitation? Link to post Share on other sites
HLP234 Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 I'm in a similar situation only we were dating for like 4 months. Now still on break and she still acts like we are together because if i don't call or text she gets pissed..when she said she needs time/space. Always trying to make me seem like I did something wrong. I think its up to use to decide how long can you put up with this. For me with my senior year all busy and the break stress plus all other stress from school, its really tough. We were suppose to hang out today but I was super busy and I thought she was upset with me from the previous day so I was giving her the space she wanted. Finally get home tonight for her to yell at me about why I didn't take the time to call her and say anything. I said I was busy and told her my whole day plan and she accused me of calling her a liar when I didn't remember her saying call me tomm or anything. She could of texted me to see what was up, she was home all day I wasn't. I swear I hate this game, I don't like it one bit. So I would just wait and see if you have the power and stability to. IF you find yourself getting upset at her let her know how u feel and tell her that you guys need to stop completely because she is only confusing you. Link to post Share on other sites
knime32 Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 I'm actually going through a very similar situation right now with my boyfriend (or now ex-boyfriend). We have broken up before and we've gotten back together and now, we're in a similar position, just a little older and more mature. My boyfriend said that he wanted space and wanted to be able to find himself. I know it hurts and its the hardest thing to do, but having absolutely no contact with her is the best because it allows her to completely detach herself from the relationship and evaluate what she really wants. Just keep telling yourself that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Just tell her before it happens that you love her and are willing to wait a respectable amount of time and you just want her to be happy. If you really love her, no matter if she ends up with you or not, that's what you'll really care about: her happiness. I'm sure that once she's allowed to think without any distractions you'll get an answer one way or another. Just think of it as a postiive, if she really wants to be with you this will end up strengthening your relationship by giving you an opportunity to really figure out what's wrong and how you can strengthen yourselves, communication is key. If she decides that you guys shouldn't be together, just think, she just gave you an amazing gift. She gave you the ability to find someone who will love and respect you just as much as you do for them. I hope this advice helps you. Its really what's been helping me get through the last 2 weeks. We've dated for 6 years and were talking about getting married and starting a family and I just keep telling myself if it was meant to be, it will find a way. Link to post Share on other sites
HLP234 Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Well I think she knows I care and that I love her and she still loves me she says. I told her all of that, that I can let her have her time and not have a problem with that. The only thing is its not like we used to anymore, either our convos are short because they are not the same and she or I are upset over something. Whille I try not contacting her, to give her space, she always contacts me first asking why I don't ask what she is doing or she says that she feels like I am giving up. She wants to hang out and not worry about this stuff she says and just let it be, but its hard for me because I didn't do anything wrong and its always harder on the person that doesn't understand the break. She wants to talk and do stuff like normal and ignore the elephant on the couch sort of to say. All I can do is try and forget about it but it hurts a lot and who knows when she will come to her epiphany that I have been treating her much nicer than her other boyfriends and that doesn't mean its something bad. All my friends are telling me I look horrible, sad, depressed and tell me to just be done with her because who knows what her decision will be and it will hurt me more in the end. The weird thing is, she gets mad when I talk to other girls, or hang out with friends and she doesn't know but its ok for her to tell me we are not together when I try to talk about stuff me and her can do if we are to hang out or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted December 11, 2009 Author Share Posted December 11, 2009 HLP i totally feel you. I just want to talk about stuff with her and figure out what we are but she always just says I don't want to talk about this right now, lets just see how things go. however, unlike you she isn't pissed at me or anything. everything seems fine, she seems happy and still says she loves me and still wants to hang out with me but doesn't want to talk about "us" or anything like that. which this is ok with me for the time being but if she doesn't want to make any sort of commitment to me than I feel like I shouldn't stay in this "relationship." I just feel like I don't know what she wants from me. I don't really know what to do. I guess I'm just going to go with it for now and "see how things go." Link to post Share on other sites
loveblues Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 OMG! your gf doesn't know what she's missing, I dont mean it in a disrespectful way, btw. but I can tell ur the one that really cares and love her a lot, here. Listen as a girl I can tell you she might b going through some unbearable drama in her life or just too much stress nd doesn't wanna take out her anger @ you. It happens. I dont know much info so am guessing, I think If she kissed you too, she really has a deep feeling still for u. So pls be patient maybe she's testing you. (weird right) Shes getting that push nd pull feeling, she's going through something. all I can say keep Faith/Hope alive because when theres Love anything's possible, ok. Link to post Share on other sites
bluestraps Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 I would leave her alone for a month... no communication. She says there a re differences between the two of you. I dont think its good. You've been dating 4 years. Thats long enough to know if its working. After a month check back with her. Link to post Share on other sites
HLP234 Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Well I already know she doesn't want me to pay for her ex's mistakes and that she has been going through a tough time with the move and everything too. But I also think there could be someone else in the picture too. Its gotten to the point where No contact kind of worked but now it just has made her more upset and probably pushed her further from me. Maybe I feed in a lil too much I dunno. Just seems when I don't say anything for a while she will be upset. Its like she wants time to herself for some unknown reason, but I see rather uncomfy messages on facbook between her and her "best friend." Yet if I talk to another girl and she knows she freaks out! Literally tells me that I didn't even try and come after her when she got offline because I said I was talking to an old friend from college which happened to be a girl. See, double standards don't work well in relationships. Tells me she wants me to express myself, and when I do, says I'm crying about it and complaining about not waiting or talking about my feelings. How the hell else do guys express themselves then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted December 11, 2009 Author Share Posted December 11, 2009 OMG! your gf doesn't know what she's missing, I dont mean it in a disrespectful way, btw. but I can tell ur the one that really cares and love her a lot, here. Thats exactly how I feel too. But I believe she used to be the one that cared more and I think as more and more time passed I kind of started to take things for granted and maybe didn't show her how much I cared as much as I should have. So I kind of have a suspicion that she is giving me a taste of my own medicine. I am also starting to believe that the "break up" was just a way of getting me to chase her and make her feel special again. Although I don't know that she knew I would chase her.... Link to post Share on other sites
BTLC23 Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 im worried about that. I kind of feel that my girlfriend may have broke up with me to make her feel special again too, but i went NC almost immediately because I needed to heel. I would contact her like once and week and she would be exicted to hear from me I guess but when i talked about the breakup she would bug out. I think i should have minimally contacted her and talked about fun things. Now its six months later and she wont even respond to my texts. I don't know if shes doing this because she thinks I ignored her. Link to post Share on other sites
HLP234 Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 The no contact phase is suppose to make her want you. She should come to you. The problem is that when you try and talk to her she may seem short and blunt, not like before. You should of told her that you need time to heal and what you were going to do, by saying that you did all you could. They want to talk and hang out like normal without us worrying about the break, because to them the break is comfortable situation but for us guys, its not because we don't know what the heck it means and its always there in the back of your head no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted December 12, 2009 Author Share Posted December 12, 2009 its not because we don't know what the heck it means and its always there in the back of your head no matter what. exactly! Mine even said she just wants me to act normal and that if things go good we will put the title back. But its hard to act normal when you know something is up. Like you said the break up is always in the back of my mind. I think the biggest thing about the title is that it shows commitment to the relationship. Anyone think I'm being stupid and titles don't matter? its just a title?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 I don't think titles really matter. That is, as long as there's no disrespect going on. If she's out with friends does she say she's single or in a relationship if approached? I also wouldn't want to be walking on eggshell's afraid they're going to leave again at anytime. If you're not happy with the status of your situation voice it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted December 12, 2009 Author Share Posted December 12, 2009 she claims the titles don't matter and I asked her what she would say if approached by a guy and she said she would say she has a boyfriend. so thats good I suppose. and I have voiced my disapproval and she says that we need to see if things are going to work out before we put the titles back and not vice versa. so idk...I'm kind of up in the air. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) ok, lets pretend I have just opened this thread and not read it and then ask you how you see the relationship,where it is going..etc and what you think the other person thinks of the relationship and where it is going. do you feel she treats you as an equal? it's been a month since you started the thread, in that time do you feel you are making progress and where do oyu think things will go? Edited December 13, 2009 by adamt Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 well to recap.... about a month ago she broke up with me giving me about a million different reasons why. in this time period she has taken most of those back saying she didn't mean them. she has also said she wants me in her life and that she loves me. I feel as if we never really broke up. we never really stopped hanging out and she still texts and calls me constantly. as for progress...we started out broken up and are now back to "dating." she says if things stay good then we can put the titles back only when "she decides to ask me out though." so yes things have progressed and I'm still hoping they continue to. as for where I see this going....thats hard to say but does she treat me fairly...I think with time she will...she certainly treated me very well when we were together and I think it will take some time to get back to that. maybe some of yall could reiterate what everyone keeps telling me...because for some reason all i want to do is talk to her or text her constantly and I know it has to be driving her crazy and only making things worse. I need to just shut up and let her contact me until this is all over right???? Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 You think things are "back to normal" or "back on track," but so much has changed. She controls the relationship entirely "when can we put the titles back up?" C'mon man, you can't possibly be happy with that sort of arrangement, and odds are she isn't either. She will become bored, will begin to look at other options, and when the greener grass firms up enough, she will be gone, having successfully weaned herself off you and built a new thing at the same time. Please reconsider listening to all the very good advice in this thread from folks who have experienced the same thing. I've experienced it several times from both ends. You never gave her the chance to miss you or the realization that you are gone from her life. Without those things, the odds for success going forward are almost nil. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 so what should I do? tell her we are done? or just stop talking to her randomly? or explain to her I'm not happy? Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Others have already said it better, but tell her you aren't happy being a second class citizen in a quasi relationship, go complete NC for several months, and begin focusing on finding a woman who won't jerk you around like this. After some significant time completely apart (months not weeks), she will either realize what she had in you and will make a real effort to change her ways and will really demonstrate this to you or she won't. Either way, you are healing and moving on towards your life goals as opposed to hanging in limbo while she holds your balls in a vice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neoskunk Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 well put. I know deep down that's what I should do but it's hard to actually do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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