Girlfriend says she needs space/time

[neoskunk]

i think she probably gets pissed because she doesn't want you to move on. She wants the break up to really affect you (don't ask me why). I can't really say but if she gets pissed when you don't care but then also says she doesn't want to be with you then I don't know what to tell you. Sounds like she is looking for a self-confidence booster from your misery. Wants to see that you believe she is super special and no one can compare to her.

 

If you really want to solve things I would have a talk with her. If she can't explain things then do you really want to be with her anyways? Maybe it's time to actually stop caring rather than act like you don't care???

 

I promise you if you just find other things to focus on and other things that make you happy you can stop worrying about the relationship. You don't necessarily have to figure out what you two are right now either. Just let it go.

 

Thats pretty much where I have come to in my "relationship." Its apparent to me that even though we are "broken up" this whole mess is not going to be sorted out anytime remotely soon. So I'm not worrying about it. There is little I could do to change how she thinks anyways.

 

LIVE YOUR LIFE!

[skydiveaddict]

yea posting does help me because all i want to do is contact her and talk about "us." which I know is probably not going to change anything. Anyway suppose all of this was really just about her becoming independent, why after 4 years would she suddenly feel that she needs to be independent? isn't the point of a boyfriend or girlfriend to have someone else you can depend on? I mean not entirely but to some extent...

 

 

 

 

she's playing you dont play along. she's bored w/ you and is shopping around dump her right now

[neoskunk]

lol thanks but that is quite an old post. and I'm fine I have accepted defeat and am moving on with life. I am still in contact with the ex and we still hang out occasionally but i no longer feel the burning desire to text her and figure out what she is doing constantly.

[HLP234]

Its not that she doesn't want to be with me, she doesn't know what she wants. I can't help her on that and she says she needs her own time for that.

 

Its not helping that she went home and is spending all the time with that best friend. I'll make sure to let her know when she is back about how I feel about this weather she wants to talk about it or not.

 

She even said I don't have to wait if I don't want to. But then she said once that she doesn't like how I complain about waiting. I learned not to care as much although it is still sad.

 

There is no reason there should be any complications at all, we've known each other for 5 years and only dated for 4 months..don't see what she can be so confused about or all of a sudden look for a "connection."

 

Like you said, its nothing that can be sorted out all of a sudden. I'll leave her completely alone once she is back, and knowing that I'm the only person she knows here, that will suck. But she will still be talking to the other dude I bet.

 

I can tell that she doesn't take my feelings into affect because she is not the one that is having to go through this pain and depression. She doesn't want it to affect her or else she won't be able to figure herself out.

 

I'll continue to do my best and I at least want some answers and closure to this..can't really keep communicating with her the way she is with me because it bothers me not her.

[neoskunk]

I'm telling you not to wait. You don't need the "closure." It's not necessary for you to move on with your life. Its probably even bettter without the closure. Just move on and if somewhere down the line she changes her mind, well then you can decide if you still want to be with her. Right now the ball is entirely in her court, there is nothing you need to be doing or worrying about. I mean don't get me wrong it does suck and is sad but if you begin to see yourself without her, each day will become easier and easier. Then if she does come back it will be a happy surprise but not something you can expect.

 

 

This is just how I started to look at things. My girl said the same stuff....."I don't know what I want"...."you don't have to wait"....blah blah. Just look at some of my other posts on this thread. I was searching for that "closure" too. Make that closure for yourself, I promise you the closure she will give you is not the closure you want to hear anyways.

 

 

If you already know for a fact that she is seeing someone else then she is keeping you around as back up. Is that the guy you want to be?

 

I know it's tough stuff to hear and it was for me too but the best thing you can do for yourself is move on. I didn't follow the advice either but maybe you can learn from me. I started this thread almost two months ago. In terms of my relationship I kept talking to her and waiting for her and wanting to be with her and look what has changed in two months.....nothing.

 

Move on...you will be happy one way or another I promise.

[adamt]

you won't get closure or answers. you have to accept that it is over and you wont get answers. the reasons they give for the break up are usually just lip service. "i want to find myself"," i need some space"," I am confused"," unfair to treat you like this"," unfair to make you wait"..etc they are jsut letting you down lightly. if they wanted to be with you they would work things out.

 

you need to take control of your won life again and focus on yourself. cut all contact and stay in NC. that is th only chance of you being able to move on or a slim chance the ex may miss oyu and come back. there is no reason to stay in contact with the ex. it wil not bring them back. and accepting their offer as being friends will not bring them back, all it does is make the dumper feel less guilty

[McGrupp]

its like is there a book they all use?

 

i got : "i need to be alone and independent"

"i need to find myself"

"i want to focus on my career and my family"

"im not sure what i want right now"

"i need time to breathe and think"

 

those are all over the span of like 3 months taboot.

 

or how bout the first one which ya know shouldve made me go NC anyway... "ITS OVER"

 

I'll make sure to let her know when she is back about how I feel about this weather she wants to talk about it or not.

 

dont do that. indifference my friend. she probably wants you to be pissed off. walk away.

[neoskunk]

indifference my friend. she probably wants you to be pissed off. walk away

 

exactly! she wants you to be pissed off and sad. she wants to see that she has power and control. even if you are pissed off and sad don't show it. indifference is the key.

[HLP234]

Yeh that is exactly what I think she wants me to do. This week I went and visited some family and friends and we went out to a lounge. We were drinking and having a good time and I was glad to see my friend because I haven't hung out with him in a really long time.

 

I put my facebook status as "partying with my buddy tonight." Then a bunch of my friends commented on it. On the way back home I had fell asleep in the car and someone changed my status to "In the car with mad bitches, peace." I didn't even know someone changed it until I got up this morning.

 

Next thing I know, she removes me from her top friends on her myspace. I was number 1 on there and now I'm not on there at all. I know she saw the facebook statuses and she prolly got pissed.

 

All my friends know the situation and I was going to write to her saying I'm done and can't put up with this stuff but they stopped me and I have not said a word at all. I will continue like this, but I know she will say something when she comes back.

 

It will be along the lines of "dont talk to me or I'm done with you, watever I don't care." If this is the case would ignoring still work or should I just say I'm done too?

Edited December 25, 2009 by HLP234

[neoskunk]

I think maybe you just took back some of the control. Don't talk to her or text her now. Wait until she contacts you. She knows you will see that she took you off her top friends. She wants you to react....don't!

 

I may be wrong but I would say let her come to you still. She knows you are the one that wants to be in the relationship. If she wants to be in the relationship too she knows all she has to do is contact you.

[HLP234]

Yeh that's what it may seem like, but I mean this girl is stubborn and has some sort of double standards. So she may think I don't care and just moved on completely/gave up.

 

But I'm not gonna say anything..I was gonna wish a merry Christmas and stuff but I didn't. I should not of drank that much that night and left my phone out.

 

Ever since she's been home for the holidays I haven't said anything but I've noticed her myspace statuses always involve her "best friend." I'm pretty sure she knows I was looking at them before, and I suppose even though she don't do much on facebook, she did get mad and prolly removed my from her top friends without thinking I would get on there and see that?

 

Her profile is set up so that if you view it, it does not show the top friends unless you show the lite view.

 

That really hurt though, although it seems so immature. I'm trying to ignore the thoughts and memories as much as I can too and its tough when your not around people all the time.

 

Anyway, its annoying how she thinks its ok for her to post stuff about her and her friend but not ok for me to say i'm partying or hanging out with other women..that is so stupid. She probably thinks I don't get on myspace, because you can never tell the last time I logged on, and I really don't use it much, but once in a while I will check it.

Edited December 26, 2009 by HLP234

[neoskunk]

I don't know what else to tell you man. You can continue to post on here and look for advice but this forum isn't going to fix things. Ultimately its all you.

 

My view of your situation (from experience and what i have learned from this forum) is that she is pretty much done with you. She is probably struggling with it and having a hard time just like you are. All of her double standards and anger are because she is struggling and she wants to make sure you are struggling as well.

 

I know its tough to hear and it was for me too but until you accept the fact that she is most likely not going to be your girlfriend again you aren't going to be ok.

 

I could be completely off with all of this but I really think the moment you start to let go of her and become less of a love sick puppy she will change her demeanor towards you.

 

 

I only say this because I have experienced it. I have truly accepted that my girl will most likely not be my girlfriend ever again. I stopped contacting her and even when she would contact me I would wait a long time to respond or tell her I was busy or just not respond at all. She now tells me she can't sleep without me next to her and she wants to spend new years with me. We still hang out and stuff but I don't try and talk to her about "us" or the situation. I don't bring it up because I don't care. If there is ever going to be any talk of an "us" again its going to be because she initiates it. Unless that happens I'm single and fine with it. Even with her telling me this stuff and us hanging out, I'm not getting my hopes up.

 

Long story short my advice would be to accept that she is gone and that you WILL be ok, in fact even great, without her. Something else will come along, something better. I'm sure you can point out flaws that you didn't like about your girlfriend. You do not need her to be happy. I know its hard and not to get your hopes up but I believe getting over the ex is the first step to getting them back, if that is indeed what you want.

 

 

Just be a strong, independent individual right now.

[CentralJersey]

I've been reading this thread and it's so clear that everyone just needs to move on, regardless of the situation. I just got a "I'm just not into it anymore"...and saw no signs. I was so shocked and hurt that she didnt want to put more effort into a 2.5 year relationship which was going great that I didnt ask many questions.

 

Of course I want to ask a million things now, but we've been broken up for 4 days and I've kept up NC...which has been really hard and probably will continue to be. Wish me luck staying strong...

[JBaker]

I don't know what else to tell you man. You can continue to post on here and look for advice but this forum isn't going to fix things. Ultimately its all you.

 

My view of your situation (from experience and what i have learned from this forum) is that she is pretty much done with you. She is probably struggling with it and having a hard time just like you are. All of her double standards and anger are because she is struggling and she wants to make sure you are struggling as well.

 

I know its tough to hear and it was for me too but until you accept the fact that she is most likely not going to be your girlfriend again you aren't going to be ok.

 

I could be completely off with all of this but I really think the moment you start to let go of her and become less of a love sick puppy she will change her demeanor towards you.

 

 

I only say this because I have experienced it. I have truly accepted that my girl will most likely not be my girlfriend ever again. I stopped contacting her and even when she would contact me I would wait a long time to respond or tell her I was busy or just not respond at all. She now tells me she can't sleep without me next to her and she wants to spend new years with me. We still hang out and stuff but I don't try and talk to her about "us" or the situation. I don't bring it up because I don't care. If there is ever going to be any talk of an "us" again its going to be because she initiates it. Unless that happens I'm single and fine with it. Even with her telling me this stuff and us hanging out, I'm not getting my hopes up.

 

Long story short my advice would be to accept that she is gone and that you WILL be ok, in fact even great, without her. Something else will come along, something better. I'm sure you can point out flaws that you didn't like about your girlfriend. You do not need her to be happy. I know its hard and not to get your hopes up but I believe getting over the ex is the first step to getting them back, if that is indeed what you want.

 

 

Just be a strong, independent individual right now.

 

 

Wow. This is precisely where I am. After a month and a half of limbo I took the initiative and ended things myself (see my thread if you are interested in the details). But this is exactly where I am. I am now able to let go and picture a life without her - and it is okay.

 

Thanks for these posts.

[HLP234]

I have understood that she doesn't care at all and is mad about me doing stuff because she doesn't want to see that.

 

Just like I don't like seeing her statuses involving how much fun she is having hanging out with that other guy. I guess I have to not care myself and just try and move on.

 

I have no idea what her intentions are at all, and even though I can call her out on just stringing me along, there is no point to it at all. She will just blow up on me and I don't want to deal with it anymore.

 

She'll be back here and try to hang out and what not but I've had enough. And I don't think talking to her about "us" will do anything. But if I do end up seeing her I will definitely tell her that I'm done and I can't sit around and be her friend either.

 

If it happens she never says anything after she gets back, than neither will I and will just ignore everything as hard as that is.

[p01130]

I've been reading this thread and it's so clear that everyone just needs to move on, regardless of the situation. I just got a "I'm just not into it anymore"...and saw no signs. I was so shocked and hurt that she didnt want to put more effort into a 2.5 year relationship which was going great that I didnt ask many questions.

 

Of course I want to ask a million things now, but we've been broken up for 4 days and I've kept up NC...which has been really hard and probably will continue to be. Wish me luck staying strong...

 

 

Keep it going man...I'm on day 5 as well of NC, and it's getting better and better. I think the turning point for me was hanging out with one of my friends and he basically told me to stop being a bitch and letting her dictate my mood, feelings, and thoughts. He told me that they really never saw that we fit together and his wife and her friend (my best friend's wife) both didn't like her from the start. I guess when you're into a girl, you get tunnel vision and don't see the things others see. It was an eye opener when he told me this and it has made me feel a lot better now over the sudden "its not you, its me" bull**** breakup.

[HLP234]

Keep it going man...I'm on day 5 as well of NC, and it's getting better and better. I think the turning point for me was hanging out with one of my friends and he basically told me to stop being a bitch and letting her dictate my mood, feelings, and thoughts. He told me that they really never saw that we fit together and his wife and her friend (my best friend's wife) both didn't like her from the start. I guess when you're into a girl, you get tunnel vision and don't see the things others see. It was an eye opener when he told me this and it has made me feel a lot better now over the sudden "its not you, its me" bull**** breakup.

 

Same thing my friends are saying, even though they do not know her like I do. Its so true, that in the begining it may seem like she is completely into you and makes you so attached to her, that you don't see yourself as normal anymore.

 

But then if she has resurfacing problems, its you who will pay because she doesn't realize that you are so into her or what she has done. Never let anyone affect your emotions. The minute they do you should leave anyway. That way you don't feel like you did something wrong and worry about them.

[neoskunk]

I will definitely tell her that I'm done and I can't sit around and be her friend either.

 

In my opinion nothing needs to be said. She can't tell you what she wants why should you tell her what you want. Let her wonder what you are thinking or what your intentions are. You are thinking exactly like I was. The only reason you would tell her that is on the off chance that, upon given an ultimatum, she may break down and give in. But she won't. If you truly want a shot at this I'm telling you indifference is the key. Be a good fun guy when yall are together and make no mention or even pretend to care what yall's status is.

[HLP234]

Well right now I am being indifferent while she is at home. Neither of us has contacted each other at all. Even after she saw my facebook status, that may have made her mad and probably jealous somewhat to the point that she doesn't want to contact me.

 

Like you said, she is waiting for me to say something..but I won't. I do try and be normal like I was before this break, but she somehow thinks I am faking it or being different.

 

I have no problem with acting normal when we are together but I don't want that to turn into her just suddenly thinking I am fine and over the whole situation, next thing I know she is telling me she is dating someone you know?

Or be put into the friend zone because I'm acting normal and pretending everything is ok.

 

But for now all I can do is just ignore and wait to see what she has to say when she comes back or whenever the next time she contacts me.

[neoskunk]

next thing I know she is telling me she is dating someone you know

 

to me it sounds like that could happen at any point even right now.

 

But for now all I can do is just ignore and wait to see what she has to say when she comes back or whenever the next time she contacts me

 

sounds like you have the right idea. just let it play out and see where it goes. you don't control her and thus cannot force her to feel a certain way.

[HLP234]

One thing I don't like is how she always seems to put the blame on me, makes herself look like the victim. I will continue NC with her but if she will say anything, she will definitely try and make it look like I didn't care.

 

And its hard to explain it to someone who doesn't consider your feelings and just wants to take time to themselves..although she admitted it was selfish.

 

I'm still baffled as to why she removed me from the top friends all of a sudden. I'm pretty sure it had to do with my facebook, but you never know.

 

I feel like even if you tell them what they are doing wrong, and they are doing something wrong (treating you badly) without them realizing it, that won't do anything but make them more angry at you.

 

There is also no point in me telling her she's put me through so much crap..it won't fix anything quicker; I would only do this if we were done for good and I would never speak to her again.

[JBaker]

There is also no point in me telling her she's put me through so much crap..it won't fix anything quicker; I would only do this if we were done for good and I would never speak to her again.

 

If you think you can get to the point where you be prepared to end it and not look back, perhaps telling her that her treatment of you is unacceptable would be good. But you have to get to that point.

[HLP234]

Well some days, I feel like its not bothering me much and I could just go on and be indifferent about it. Which means I can just stay in it for now but without worrying about her and just continue not talking until she initiates it.

 

I mean it all depends on her not me so I don't really care, but I would like to have her be with me if she gets her head straight. Its all a matter of her realizing even if others treated you like crap before, just because its different this time, doesn't mean it is a bad thing.

 

Part of that makes me realize she is just a little immature about somethings, and she already knows she is stubborn and hard headed. So for now I'm not worrying about her at all, everyday I just ignore it more and more and although its still in the back of my head, it makes no sense to try to fix things because you can't do anything by yourself, it takes both people.

 

Maybe to her, me not talking and ignoring it probably says that I don't want her but its not true, she should know I do. She's told me before that she requires a lot of attention and I have no problem with that and I was giving that to her but right now with the way things are, attention is not the primary focus.

Edited December 27, 2009 by HLP234

[Alex0127]

It is amazing how many of us are going through this stage. Even though we are all different individuals but we are somewhat connected. We have all been hurt by our love ones. I used to believe in true love but i'm skeptical in what love is anymore. When there is love, everything you do is romantic and sweet but when there is no love, everything becomes plain annoying.

 

I just broke up with my gf a couple of weeks ago and it is the same thing with "I need time and space". IMHO any girl who uses this reason is just plain BS and lame. Just like all of us here, I kept my hopes high thinking that it would work out and I fell slowly into her trap. I was doing all the wrong thing with giving her time but yet keeping in contact with her and just being there for her when she needs me but this was pulling her farther away from me. I allowed her to hurt me over and over again and I regret not going into NC with her.

 

She was still texting me that she misses me on Christmas Eve but I found out that she has accepted another guy on Christmas. I was damn pissed and hurt by this and I made another mistake by calling her. I was in highly emotional state and I went so far into pleading, begging and reasoning etc etc. Thinking back, I lost my dignity by acting all these and became desperate and weak in front of her.

 

So guys, don't make the same mistake that I did.. Women are not like men. They don't think logically and only act according to their emotions. Don't even bother to talk to them or reason with them because they will only shift all the blame to us. I learnt it through the hard way and when your girl told you that she needed time and space, it is over. Most of the time, she already has someone else to replace you. I know this is hard to believe but I have been there and done that. We stayed there for them when they needed to slowly detach herself from us but who is going to be there for us when they finally moved on and want us out of their lives? Don't count on her because she can get really nasty. Stop holding on to false hopes because that would only hurt you more in future. Get out of the relationship while you are still the one in control. I regret not heeding advices from others who told me to go into NC and just get her out of my life because I am so madly in love with my girl.

 

I'm going through the healing process and it hurts whenever I think of her and what she might be doing with the new guy. I wish all you guys out there who are going through the same process as me all the best.

 

P.S. If she needed time and space, she is not worthy of your love for her....

[JBaker]

P.S. If she needed time and space, she is not worthy of your love for her....

 

I am going to have to disagree. Sometimes people legitimately need to take a step back from a relationship and figure some things out for themselves. Sometimes this time results in their realization that they want you in their life, and that they are still in love with you; other times they realize that they have moved on from the relationship.

 

There is no need to be bitter or angry at them for looking out for their own interests. As long as they didn't do anything wrong to you like lie, lie about other guys (I would be okay with her seeing other guys and getting back together with her if she was honest about it), cheat on you before breaking things off, &ct.

 

Sometimes relationships just don't work. There is no need to be angry about it. There are other men/women out there.