Girlfriend says she needs space/time

[Alex0127]

Okay maybe I should rephrase the sentence. I don't hate her nor am I angry about this whole thing. To be honest, I still love her very much but keeping your hopes high is just not the best way. If you can get the point that it is over when she asks for time/space, it will speed up the healing process. During the time that she needs, you should take it that the relationship is over and you should just concentrate and improve yourself. When she does want to get back together, that would be the time for you to decide whether she is worthy of your love for her. What us guys tend to think is that time/space equal hopes. If you keep thinking that there is hopes, you will allow yourself to break the NC.

[HLP234]

It really depends on the situation..some times space and time is ok if its not a break. But if she mentions brake, than that means she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore because she doesn't know what she wants.

 

In most cases, like it was said before, they have their sights on someone else. They want you to be there and pretend everything is ok and accuse you of being different with them. The best you can do is go NC and if she wants to hang out or watever, pretend everything is fine.

 

They play games like this without realizing that they are playing this "game." To them, if they have had previous problems, this is a time to find themselves. Well they won't find themselves if they are spending their time hanging around with someone else.

 

I think the easiest way to get over it is to just meet someone else and be around people who can help you get your mind off of it. By then, you should not be angry with her and be carefree. I am trying to get to that stage..to where I don't care at all and if she comes back fine if not, I would rather tell her I've been hurt and no need to talk/see her anymore.

 

But before you tell them that, you have to know you are ready for it to be completely gone and erased and not care what she thinks of it.

 

In my case, she hurt me by telling me she needs space and then I was fine with it but when I stopped contacting her, she tried to blame me for not trying and not wanting her. It's just going in circles and she is very on and off about things. That makes you feel used and not appreciated.

 

For example, during our break she would ask to hang out, then she would want to watch movies, cuddle and do stuff couples do when they are together. In other words, turn you on and then tell you we can't do anything because it will confuse her more..which just leaves me frustrated in more than one way lol.

Edited December 27, 2009 by HLP234

[adamt]

i think the way to look at "a break" is think they need time away from you to figure things out. why would anyone want to be away from their partner if they want to be in that relationship. all they are doing is confirming their feelings that they want to break up by making sure they are not missing you.

 

my ex sent me a text that she missed me in our break, 2 weeks later we met up i was ready to make it work and thought of how we would work things out. she wanted to split up and i never got the chance to work on things. actions do speak louder than words. their silence afterwards tells you what they are thinking. not heard from her in 7 months apart from a time when we bumped into each other. i've go tot focus on moving on. normally i am ok but xmas time feels hard

Edited December 28, 2009 by adamt

[HLP234]

It sucks that it has to happen now during the holidays. I had nice plans for her since she had just moved here and everything. Now she is prolly spending the time with the friend of hers.

 

It sucks when the day go by alright, but at night I still wake up around 4am from a dream or something and I wake up with her on my mind the whole time. Its the worst..and I wish it would go away but it doesn't seem like it will.

 

I think until I meet someone else or just someone to hang out with, with no intentions of getting together with anyone for a while, I will be able to get over it quickly.

 

It just sucks that she just has never said anything for a while after what happen with my facebook status. I would never be able to do this kind of break and then forget the person completely without at least letting them know I have moved on or whatever.

 

That is what bothers me now..but I think once she is back from home she might say something one day and I will finally be able to end it completely like it should be. Doesn't mean the pain will go away but at least the thought that its completely done will help me move on quicker.

 

I'm not keeping hopes up that she will come and talk about it, because its been almost a month on this break and she has never mentioned about working it out.

 

I basically have no other options..All my friends who are in relationships told me that they always sit and work things out no matter what goes wrong..but in my case if she doesn't want to talk about it than I don't have any other options.

 

I know if I get a chance to end it properly I will get the blame from her about not trying and not wanting to wait..watever; If they don't realize how much they hurt you than that doesn't happen all the time.

[neoskunk]

but I think once she is back from home she might say something one day and I will finally be able to end it completely like it should be. Doesn't mean the pain will go away but at least the thought that its completely done will help me move on quicker.

 

stop holding out hope. start to heal now. assume its over! you are doing the same thing I was. stop having hope! straight up telliing her its over will not change a damn thing I promise you(in your mind or hers). you are just prolonging your pain.

 

I know its hard but really try and see yourself with someone else in a years time. Someone who is amazing and absolutely adores you for you. Thats something you should have hope for, not hoping your ex will come back.

[sean1970]

stop holding out hope. start to heal now. assume its over! you are doing the same thing I was. stop having hope! straight up telliing her its over will not change a damn thing I promise you(in your mind or hers). you are just prolonging your pain.

 

I know its hard but really try and see yourself with someone else in a years time. Someone who is amazing and absolutely adores you for you. Thats something you should have hope for, not hoping your ex will come back.

 

Look at neo 87 posts and giving sound advice...

[sean1970]

 

Needing something from her to end it? Why does she have to participate?

[adamt]

straight up telliing her its over will not change a damn thing I promise you(in your mind or hers).

 

pointless telling her it is over because she is showing you it is already over. thats why she is splitting up with you.

[HLP234]

I have started to sort of move on. I am trying to forget more and more about it each day. It works but it always comes back at night and I end up having odd dreams that wake me up.

 

And as for reaching out to her when she starts to miss me, its not that easy. You can't tell if she misses you or not just because she will contact me..because she left me, I can't tell what her intentions are and I know how she will act anyways.

 

I know for a fact when she gets back she will try and hang out or something. I can just continue to ignore her or I can go see her and that's what I was saying about telling her I'm done.

 

If she doesn't say anything when she is back than I will just continue what I am doing and move on, but she will think its rude or unappreciated if she tries hanging out with me whenever she is back if I just ignore it completely.

 

I have been taking the advice here seriously to some sort and I feel like I am getting some where at least in tiny steps. Unless she realizes and says anything significant relating us talking about "us" I won't bother. But if she hasn't realized yet, seems like she's doing just fine and does not care.

 

You can't reach out to someone if they are being selfish and she is always making it seem like I am to blame when she just left on her own.

 

If by letting her know she is appreciated you mean being friends, than I can't be friends right now until I have no feelings what so ever for her. We were best friends for a long time..and after being in love with her its not that easy for everyone to forget and just go back to friends, when they have hurt you. I have told her many times I care about her and love her and done things that she wanted me to do..so now all of a sudden she is thinking only about her feelings and not mine, which in turn is making her not see that I do appreciate her.

Edited December 30, 2009 by HLP234

[neoskunk]

I know exactly how you are feeling. You just want her to know how you feel and that you love her more than anything else and that she is very much appreciated and adored. But at this point she has to figure things out for herself. The more you continue to push things the more things are going to become strained and awkward.

 

I can tell by the way you talk that you aren't over it. You can tell yourself over and over again that you are over it, and its a good start, but you aren't going to be over it until YOU want to be. Stop putting yourself in this hole and gain some control of yourself. Try to see what others see when they see how you are acting. Would your actions seem ridiculous and desperate to someone else? If so thats not the kind of relationship you want anyways....

[HLP234]

I keep telling myself I'm getting over it but because it was just left out there in the dark, I hate regrets and there are a lot of thoughts/questions as to what will happen when she is back here.

 

At least I am not sulking as much as I was when she first mentioned the break. And because I neither of us has said anything to each other, that has helped me figure things out slowly..so I'm not full speed ahead but I feel like I am getting there.

 

Hopefully I will have time to go out with some friends this weekend, I have noticed this helps a lot. Also posting on here and talking to you guys also has helped and I appreciate that.

 

I'm just not the type of person that lets things go that easily when something has bothered me so much, mostly because I know she will be back here sometime and I'll pay no attention to it but inside I will feel like being rude by not settling things. I just hate unsolved mysteries lol.

[neoskunk]

dude we are the same person. i know what you're feeling. you just have so many things you still want to say and so many questions to ask. i felt the exact same. at some point you just have to accept that what has happened has happened and you may never get a chance to say the things you want or find answers to the questions you have.

[blackbear_703]

dude we are the same person. i know what you're feeling. you just have so many things you still want to say and so many questions to ask. i felt the exact same. at some point you just have to accept that what has happened has happened and you may never get a chance to say the things you want or find answers to the questions you have.

You may have to accept that you will never get the answers to some of those questions, and sometimes the truth can hurt far worse than not knowing. Even if you were to ask them to their face and demand the truth, they'd still lie about it just to protect you from knowing something very painful, whether it be other some other guy(s), illegal activities, or whatever. Sometimes the truth can be much more painful and distressing than the break-up itself!

 

Regardless of whether she does sit down with you and discuss the truth, you have got to move on and find closure in your own heart without her help. Accept that the break-up happened for a reason and it just might've happened for the best.

 

Like neo 87 said, think hard about some other woman who may come along in your life who will adore you and love you for who you are, not leaving you hanging on a string like this girl is doing. Before you know it you'll be ready to find your dream woman and go to the relationship you deserve.

[HLP234]

That is what I am looking forward to. It takes time I guess to finally give up everything and every feeling.

 

I just know when she is back she will want to see me because we haven't seen or talked to each other in almost a month.

 

I'm not sure what to do or say if she does want to do this..because I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize how much it hurt me..so she will think hanging out will just be normal.

 

I could say no I'd rather not hang out but then that makes me look rude and her response I bet will be "Oh so I guess you just want to be done with it then."

 

I could tell her I don't want to talk/see her anymore and that I can't be friends because I'm moving on but I don't think that would end things on a good note because she will just get pissed and then put the blame on me.

 

Like I said when we started the break there was no option to communicate about the problem with her, and I don't think she will want to talk about it now either.

[neoskunk]

you are in a difficult spot but like i said in some of my earlier posts. I don't think there is harm in hanging out with an ex as long as you realize that it is over. as long as you don't get some false hope from them wanting to hang out with you. like a bunch of us said earlier...INDIFFERENCE! dont be rude, just be yourself.

 

i would suggest you don't contact her. if she wants to hang out then let her contact you. at that point you can decide whether you want to see her. I'm fairly confident you will end up seeing her (its hard to say no). but like i said, just be yourself. don't talk about the break up or anything like that unless she brings it up.

 

i think the bottom line when it comes to situations like this is that you have to understand there is nothing within your power to change her mind. she has to change that on her own. although you cannot make the situation better you can easily make it worse by seeming desperate. and its not fair that she string you along like this but if you think she is worth it or whatever you are probably just going to have to put up with it. however, even though you are putting up with her **** i think its crucial that you don't sit around hoping for her return.

 

i know it sucks right now and you are confused and have no idea what to do or how to act but trust me, things will get better. just know in the end you will be fine, one way or another. life has a funny way of working things out sometimes.

[HLP234]

I have come to the realization that I have no hope at all of it becoming good. Even with this conclusion, that doesn't mean that I don't want her or have feelings for her.

 

In order for everything to be completely gone I feel like if were to meet someone else, just to hang out with and spend time with, nothing serious at all because I am not ready to get into anything with someone new for a while.

 

But until that happens I'll continue with what I am doing..nothing..so that can't make the situation worse.

 

I don't want the false hope at all, its been there all along and she hasn't noticed that she's giving any false hope because the situation is in her favor not mine and she wants me to not worry about it but that's not something you can just say oh alright I can do that.

 

Its just weird because all before this I was just enjoying myself, not worrying about being any relationship and me and her just happened out of nowhere..even though we were friends for 5 years before we dated.

 

So I understand what you mean by life has a way of working things out somehow..I never tried to force her into getting in any relationship even though we both liked each other and never said anything. One day it just happened and she came to me..although it took like 4 years lol.

 

I know there is nothing I can do so ignoring her and the situation is all I can do right now and hopefully by the time she is back something happens and I can get over it to the point that hanging out or being friends will not bother me.

 

If I still feel the same when she is back, which is most likely the case..when she says anything if she ever does.. I'll just tell her I don't think it would be a good idea for us to hang out or communicate since this is the only option i have because I doubt her mind will change by the time she gets back since she's been over there hanging out with that friend of hers. I only imagine she will just miss home and him more when she comes back so I don't see her changing anything.

[DenverBachelor]

Girlfriend says she needs space/time

 

 

Introduce said girlfriend to some relativity books and explain that the universe is basically only these two things.

[HLP234]

Hahah oh man you make me think of my freshman year physics class. Yeh I don't think she would understand that. But I have an idea of how I can work that into a conversation with her if she ever says anything. Would be interesting to see her response..at least with that she can't blame anything on me because I'm not literally saying you hurt me, put me through all this stuff and I'm done..its kinda leaving it open.

 

But its a good way to think of it, thanks Denver.

[mistmare]

If the girl say she needs more space, then, you definetely are to possesive or you make her nervous with your everyday presence! If the girl says she need more time, then she hasn't take any decision yet and most probable she doens's like you ! She needs time to convice herself that she is capable of loving you! Date with girls who know what they want!

 

http://www.howtotalktogirls.org

[neoskunk]

If the girl say she needs more space, then, you definetely are to possesive or you make her nervous with your everyday presence! If the girl says she need more time, then she hasn't take any decision yet and most probable she doens's like you ! She needs time to convice herself that she is capable of loving you! Date with girls who know what they want!

 

i think the possessive thing is mostly it. Thus why pressing her and being desperate only makes things worse.

 

HLP another thing i have learned from being apart from my girl is that you cannot assume anything. in your case just because she says she is hanging out with a friend you cannot assume that they are having sex or dating or anything like that. Assuming things has gotten me into trouble plenty of times. you will feel quite foolish if she comes home and tells you they did nothing or better yet she just made up the whole friend thing to make you jealous. I'm not saying they aren't dating but assuming things will only make you mad, getting mad without knowing the truth is kind of pointless don't you think?

 

 

also not to get your hopes up but she may be comparing you to this guy and probably will compare you to the next guy she dates. this could be bad or good though, I don't know you very well but you seem decent enough. Plenty of jerks out there to drive her back to you.

[neoskunk]

I have a question for yall of my own though. I don't know who has been following my story but me and my girl are still kind of in limbo. Truthfully i feel that nothing has really changed other than our title. Ever since the break up we have never gone more than a day without talking. We have probably not gone 3 days without seeing each other. Nothing has changed physically either (ie. still kiss and have sex, etc). The only thing i want to make sure of is that she doesn't have someone else too.

 

any good way to find out? lol i know easier said than done probably.

 

 

also why did this happen do you think? maybe a question for the ladies. did she want something in our relationship to change but does not want it to end? or have we just become friends with benefits? or is she keeping me around until she finds something else?

 

im perfectly fine with it ending i just think maybe i could learn from all this.

[HLP234]

Well I know assuming is bad and I'm not doing anything to assume that she is doing stuff with that friend. She could if she wanted to I mean we are on a break which means we are not together and we can do what we want I suppose. I haven't done anything with anyone else either so I would hope she would at least have the same feelings for me but I can't assume that either.

 

Or if she did do anything with anyone I would like to know..even though I'm not sure how I would react since I haven't done anything at all with any other girl.

 

I was never the possessive type towards her. I let her do whatever she wanted, she was allowed to talk and have guy friends, but she would say I was not allowed to talk to girls or hang out with any girl.

 

She would get jeoulous and upset at me for having pics of me and other girls from college on my facebook/myspace. Then she was counting how many girls were in my phone..so on. I did everything to assure here I would not cheat on her or leave her like the last person did.

 

For you Neo, if nothing has changed since the break up than I think you guys are just friends with benefits. If you were meant to have NC and wanted to go through with it, you would have not responded to her.

 

I can't tell if she is just keeping you in the background while she goes and finds someone else. But it could be a possibility. If you are comfortable with her about that than there is nothing you can do but stay friends. You can't get mad at her for finding someone else if you chose to still do stuff and be friendly towards her.

 

You could ask her if she is dating or seeing anyone..or maybe talk with some of her friends? But if you want to make sure she doesn't have anyone else than how are you so comfortable that its over and are accepting it.

 

I don't have the option of friends with benefits for my girl because she won't do anything with anyone she is not in a relationship with. Although during our break we still hung out (before she left for vacation), still kissed and flirted, but she would not have sex so it was kind of the same as your situation but not to that extent.

 

It all depends what you want out of it. If you are fine with the way things are now and you won't get mad if she comes and tells you she is dating some other guy, than there's really nothing you can do. I wouldn't bring up the relationship now though, you could always just continue NC out of the blue one day and see what happens.

[nyc25]

I've gone through the exact same thing. Dated for 3 years. We broke up 2nd time on new years even like 15 min before 2010. She wanted to demote me into casual dating and then later told me she wanted space and didnt want to share. She then told me she doesn't think we should be girlfriend boy friend anymore and that she wanted to be more independent to work on herself. I knew she had some guy she had an affair in the past with waiting around so her support will be better but you know wut i dont give a *** lol. I know i will find plenty of girls better than her later and i am confident it wont be the last i hear from her she was more problem than what it was worth and i feel like a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulders because i felt like a counselor more than a boyfriend with all her issues. Right now i dont feel as bad as the first time as i'm actually putting my life back together and i feel truly happy with myself. Although i still miss her i have come to realize there are more important things in life than to worry about some girl who isnt really all that. You just have a skewed view of her since you've been with her so long its more like an addiction. Think about all the times when you were with your girlfriend and you saw another hot girl that always made you rethink or you had second thoughts about the relationship. Well now your free to do whatever you want.

 

heres a nice site to checkout.

http://themenscenter.com/busterb/womento2.htm

 

and all these described the women i was with

Edited January 11, 2010 by nyc25

[HLP234]

Thats a good site to check out. I know what you are saying, and it makes sense..but at least you were told she didn't want to continue..I was left hanging there and had to find out myself, from other sources.

 

That is what I hate the most about this. It is hard to move on but I have to anyway..and its not like it is getting better quickly. I will be doing what I normally did before we dated and see where it goes I guess.

[nyc25]

HLP i know how you feel. The first time she did this i did not see this coming anywhere. I had to find out myself by playing 007 and watching her suspicious moves. But what made me find out mostly was my instincts inside and my heart. I knew something was not right. When your with someone for so long you know their patterns and behaviors so well and when you see them not being themselves usually something is wrong. We got back together 3 months after and i must say it was never the same. I am glad however i have learned from all this and it will make my next relationship better.

Edited January 12, 2010 by nyc25