Girlfriend says she needs space/time

[adamt]

well to recap....

 

about a month ago she broke up with me giving me about a million different reasons why. in this time period she has taken most of those back saying she didn't mean them. she has also said she wants me in her life and that she loves me. I feel as if we never really broke up. we never really stopped hanging out and she still texts and calls me constantly.

 

as for progress...we started out broken up and are now back to "dating." she says if things stay good then we can put the titles back only when "she decides to ask me out though." so yes things have progressed and I'm still hoping they continue to.

 

as for where I see this going....thats hard to say but does she treat me fairly...I think with time she will...she certainly treated me very well when we were together and I think it will take some time to get back to that.

 

 

 

maybe some of yall could reiterate what everyone keeps telling me...because for some reason all i want to do is talk to her or text her constantly and I know it has to be driving her crazy and only making things worse. I need to just shut up and let her contact me until this is all over right????

 

it sounds a one way relationship. she says jump yo uwill jump, she says lie down you lie down, she says beg you beg. when will it ever be on your terms or equal terms? a relationship will not last if it is all one direction.

 

i know it is vert hard when you get scraps of hope but how much longer can you put up with this and having your life on hold? i would spend xmas and new year reflecting on the relationship, give her a few tests to see how much she is bothered. then if nothing is changing then take control of your life and have a make or break meeting with her. treat 2010 as a new start/era, with our without her. the fact is itcan not stay like this forever. at somepoint you will have to push yourself to make a decision.

 

you deserve someone better, someone who treats you as an equal and not a piece of dirt. i was devestated when i split with my ex 7 months ago, thought i would never get over her, thought i would never meet anyone else, i would compromise to make the relationshiop work. then last week i went on a date and met a stunning girl and i want my future with her and not my ex. i'm 38 so even at my age there is hope! use new year as a time to make the decision

Edited December 13, 2009 by adamt

[blackbear_703]

Hi neoskunk--

As much as it may seem you guys are healing and getting back together, you are actually in the "friendzone" and she is calling all the shots until someone new comes along.

 

Like all the other posters have said, do you really want to be treated this way?? After all, love is give and take. What have you been getting from all this??? Where do you think the "relationship that's not officially a relationship" will be in another month or two from now?

 

My ex-before-last gave me the same treatment. For a long time we were "friends who were in a committed relationship" after it became clear we weren't compatible as lovers and she wanted to put our love "on hold" until we "had a little time for thinking and finding more common ground together." Since I was love-blind, I held on since I loved her so much and didn't want to let go of the intense relationship we had or the memories. It seemed like we were getting back together, but man, it hurt like h*** when the day came when she left because she met someone else and decided I needed to go because we were "just friends" and she didn't want me to interfere.

 

You don't want to end up in this position. Take it from me you don't want to kick yourself for wasting time and putting up with second-class treatment for so long from someone who wasn't worth it. Find someone who will treat you as the good person you are and won't jerk you around like this.

 

Good luck and hope the New Year brings that special someone to you!

[HLP234]

Buddy I am in the same exact situation if you read my earlier post on here.

She is just playing games without realizing it. And she won't realize it until you guys are either back together or you are gone.

 

She wants space/time, I give her that, then she complains I'm giving up..wants me to act normal. Why would you put up with this? I'm putting up with it until after the holidays.

 

She told me the move has really affected her and that going home will help her and she does not feel rushed anymore. So I'm waiting I think until my last semester starts in January.

 

After that, set a date when you want to talk to her and tell her your decision. She may be hostile and freak out..I told her I was talking to a girl one time and she got soo pissed..but at the same time when I was trying to make plans with her to hang out she was quick to say that "we're not together anymore."

 

I know we love them but if you think of it from this point of view it will make you mad and you will finally be able to put up with telling her that you are done.

 

I know that we think if we do this, the girl will get mad and just say screw it and not realize what she has done. But its a chance you have to take and she should realize it. At least mine should, we've known each other for 5 years and were the best of friends.

 

Don't just ignore her texts until you actually tell her I'm out I can't do this anymore..because if you do she will think you don't care and that's not what you want her to think because then she won't realize what she has done. Keep playing her little game till you get fed up and feel that its not going anywhere, but set a date..that's what my friends who are girls said, than tell her.

 

Funny thing is, mine has even apologized for making me so hurt and wants me to know that she is so sorry. But that doesn't mean anything because the situation is still the same..she still doesn't know what she wants.

Edited December 13, 2009 by HLP234

[neoskunk]

thanks for all the advice guys. I'm sure you are all right but having not gone through this before it's very hard to just take someone elses advice. Truthfully though I am almost at my break point anyways so maybe I can muster up the balls to tell her we are done.

 

and HLP some advice that someone gave me on here earlier....go off what they do not what they say.

[HLP234]

Yeh I have noticed, my friends tell me the same. I will just wait after the holidays and see what she says. She hasn't said a word to me yet today since last night and I'm not contacting her.

 

I can only take so much more too.so we'll see.

 

After xmas or sometime soon I'll ask her straight up if she wants to be with me or not and if she says she needs time then i'll say im not waiting anymore.

 

So far she's apologized but hasn't done anything or even tried to communicate about what could be done because she just says she doesn't know still what she wants. I'm glad I can write here and at least get it off my mind every now and then.

[neoskunk]

yea being able to write here has definately been a good thing for me too. If I didn't have this board I would probably drive all my friends and her crazy with my incessant worrying and questioning.

 

 

and ultimately I think the only reason I'm still so torn up about everything is that it's in this state of limbo. I just want more than anything to have answers and put this all to rest one way or the other. but I have come to realize some things are out of our control to "fix." they take time and sometimes talking alone can't fix them. in my particular case I believe she wants to see that things can be different before she jumps back in. me telling her they will be different means nothing.

 

a good quote my mom gave me:

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

doesn't have to be a religious thing but it has a good message.

[HLP234]

That is a good quote, makes sense to me. You can't always fix everything.

 

She finally texted me saying why do I act like she doesn't exist anymore. I told her I was giving her some space because when we do talk she doesn't seem interested. She tells me I don't say anything interesting but I deff do try and talk to her only she's not the same.

 

Finally she says she feels like I don't want to talk to her and she feels like walking away and never getting back into a relationship with me. I told her I was just trying to do what she wants and that because she's been short with me, we don't talk like we used to.

 

We both said we miss each other..than she just says well see you have to talk about "this" and not just talk to me normally.

 

Apparently Im suppose to be contacting her everyday now and talking to her whenever, not giving her the space she wanted???

 

Even more confused now lol.

[You'reasian]

well to recap....

 

about a month ago she broke up with me giving me about a million different reasons why. in this time period she has taken most of those back saying she didn't mean them. she has also said she wants me in her life and that she loves me. I feel as if we never really broke up. we never really stopped hanging out and she still texts and calls me constantly.

 

as for progress...we started out broken up and are now back to "dating." she says if things stay good then we can put the titles back only when "she decides to ask me out though." so yes things have progressed and I'm still hoping they continue to.

 

as for where I see this going....thats hard to say but does she treat me fairly...I think with time she will...she certainly treated me very well when we were together and I think it will take some time to get back to that.

 

 

maybe some of yall could reiterate what everyone keeps telling me...because for some reason all i want to do is talk to her or text her constantly and I know it has to be driving her crazy and only making things worse. I need to just shut up and let her contact me until this is all over right????

 

Give her time and distance. Spend the holidays re-charing, rebuilding. Contact her - see how she's doing, be polite and friendly - let her come to you.

 

If she wants a relationship, let her make her life ready for you as her only partner.

[HLP234]

But what if she has gotten you to the point where you feel like she doesn't care but she just keeps coming back saying you're the one who is not trying?

 

Its like she is trying to make me jeoulous by dressin up takin pics and posting them on facebook, of only herself.

 

But at the same time when she says I don't talk to her and I try to, she doesn't seem interested or is not in the same mood like we used to be when we were not on a break. It just makes me mad because I dunno what to do.

[neoskunk]

I think I may try and go no contact starting tomorrow. I've realized that she probably doesn't care about "us" anymore. Therefore going no contact can't hurt anything. If she wants there to be an "us" she will make it known otherwise things are through. I know that is what everyone has been saying all along but somehow it has just hit me. Letting go will be good regardless of the outcome.

 

So we are hanging out one last time which I know is probably stupid too but I'm going to tell her we should say good bye.

 

I appreciate all the support. You guys have been great. I probably won't be back on here for a while, who knows though maybe I can lend some wisdom to someone else one day.

 

Thank you to all of you.

[HLP234]

Wish you the best of luck neo..just think if its eating you alive now, it can't hurt more cutting all contact.

 

Worst of all if you keep waiting and trying to put effort into it in anyway, it will only hurt more if doesn't work anyway.

 

Tell her really how you feel about this and that this is what you must do to get better. Unless she tells you I want to be with you, don't budge for anything else.

 

I plan to talk to her when she comes back from break so I can see if anything changed. It's not fair to live so miserably when the situation is more comfortable for someone else...and to just ignore it and play along.

[blackbear_703]

All the best of luck to you neoskunk and hope you can either fix things with her or find the courage to let go and move on. The same to you HLP. We've all been here for around a month now and it seems we're finally exiting the denial stage and coming to terms with the harsh reality of it all.

 

As for me, I sent an e-mail to my ex this weekend forgiving her for some of the things that led to our break-up, but she still has yet to respond. However, she has been busy posting on Facebook this morning about getting drunk and partying hard with her new female swinger friends at several different parties this weekend. In addition, details are slowly emerging about how her family disapproved of me as her choice of a fiancee/boyfriend. At any rate, I'll probably do the same thing as you guys and wait until end of the week to see how things develop. If she's still ignoring me then, I'll go ahead and cut her out of my life entirely. If not, I'll wait until after the New Year to figure out what to do. At any rate, I don't see much hope at this point in time for us being lovers or friends.

 

Anyway, I hope everything works out for the best for you neoskunk and good luck. Hope 2010 brings us all that amazing relationship we've been dreaming of!

[sean1970]

I think I may try and go no contact starting tomorrow. I've realized that she probably doesn't care about "us" anymore. Therefore going no contact can't hurt anything. If she wants there to be an "us" she will make it known otherwise things are through. I know that is what everyone has been saying all along but somehow it has just hit me. Letting go will be good regardless of the outcome.

 

So we are hanging out one last time which I know is probably stupid too but I'm going to tell her we should say good bye.

 

Neo, telling her is easy compared to following through... You need to be prepared for her to be angry, cry, and tell you that is not what she wants 10.3 million times. Just know that this is all to preserve her feelings, not yours. If it was about you, and the relationship, she would have said it already. I'm not making her a villain here; it's just what they tend to do when their world is being shook.

 

In the beginning, you will feel liberated. This lasts for about 10 minutes... You will soon second guess NC and just about everything you did in the relationship. But, in the end, you need to use this time to reflect on the relationship, take inventory of what role you played in its demise, and start to work on you. If I remember anything my ex said to me a few weeks after the breakup it was, "What's changed Sean...?" Other than losing 15 lbs in 3 weeks, I had no answer.

 

If you are to get back together, both of you need to work on things; it wont work if you are the same people. If you do not get back together (and you really need to see this as likely), you are in a better position to meet someone that will enjoy this new you.

[HLP234]

Neo, telling her is easy compared to following through... You need to be prepared for her to be angry, cry, and tell you that is not what she wants 10.3 million times. Just know that this is all to preserve her feelings, not yours. If it was about you, and the relationship, she would have said it already. I'm not making her a villain here; it's just what they tend to do when their world is being shook.

 

In the beginning, you will feel liberated. This lasts for about 10 minutes... You will soon second guess NC and just about everything you did in the relationship. But, in the end, you need to use this time to reflect on the relationship, take inventory of what role you played in its demise, and start to work on you. If I remember anything my ex said to me a few weeks after the breakup it was, "What's changed Sean...?" Other than losing 15 lbs in 3 weeks, I had no answer.

 

If you are to get back together, both of you need to work on things; it wont work if you are the same people. If you do not get back together (and you really need to see this as likely), you are in a better position to meet someone that will enjoy this new you.

 

She's gonna be angry, and try to make you feel like you lost something great. When in reality she was the one that wanted the space and she got it. After this, she will realize much later on that she hurt you.

 

I dunno if being friends with her is a good option either. I will have to make the same choice soon and I've known her and been her best friend for 5 years. It will seem rude to just cut this person out for good.

 

 

What I don't get is how come she just wants to ignore the break and yet still wants me to continue and be normal. She's told me I've changed and that I'm acting differently..I have not changed.

 

Only reason I'm acting different is because I have been hurt. I think she knows this and she apologized for hurting me but that doesn't matter if she won't communicated a compromise with me. I guess she needs more time to consider that even though I haven't done one thing wrong except treat her really nicely.

 

She seems to be getting better but that's prolly because she has a lot of other guys and friends who know the situation now and are trying to get on her good side. I'm gonna tell her if she develops feelings for them and she cares, she should tell me.

 

Its easier for her because she has others but I don't have anyone right now so the best thing I can do is passively look for someone else and if it so happens that i drift away I will tell her the truth.

 

I'll wait till middle of january I suppose to see if she's changed once coming back from home.

 

We are hanging out today so I have to put on "the person I used to be before the break face" and go along until she brings up the relationship, if ever, and then that is when I'll talk about it.

 

But I have given myself a time frame when if I don't see any changes, and believe me I don't understand relationships at all so its hard for me to see hints and changes, I'll tell her I can't just be stuck in limbo.

[sean1970]

It will seem rude to just cut this person out for good.

 

In the top 5 mistakes we make. The only person you are being rude to is you. "Ill take being second best." That's rude.

 

What I don't get is how come she just wants to ignore the break and yet still wants me to continue and be normal.

 

Cmon... You 'get it'... Its "cake and eat it too". This was how my ex phrased it... actually was able to say this... "Isn't this great; we get to talk without all the pressure." What is she giving HLP? What are you sacrificing? Yes, you 'get it', you just chose to ignore it.

 

I guess she needs more time to consider that even though I haven't done one thing wrong except treat her really nicely.

 

Then you have indeed done something wrong...

 

I'm gonna tell her if she develops feelings for them and she cares, she should tell me.

 

You can see the train coming and your choice it to stand there as it approaches?

 

Its easier for her because she has others but I don't have anyone right now so the best thing I can do is passively look for someone else and if it so happens that i drift away I will tell her the truth.

 

Why would you do anything 'passively'? How about 'proactively' doing stuff for you.

 

But I have given myself a time frame when if I don't see any changes, and believe me I don't understand relationships at all so its hard for me to see hints and changes, I'll tell her I can't just be stuck in limbo.

 

How about today...?

[HLP234]

Thanks sean. Everyone is telling me to just leave her and that she has issues and is crazy lol.

 

What is there to do if others show interest in her? They don't live here they are back home where she used to live. Honeslty I think she just wants to see me cut her out just so she can see if I'm man enough to do that..and i will be because I'm not going to take this much longer.

 

Hell I'm a nice guy and everything but she was the last person I expected would do something like this. I dunno what the hell happened, she was so different from everyone else but in reality all women are the same to some extent.

 

I'll be fed up soon enough and i'll just have to let her know I'm the one who needs time now.

 

Its funny because I told her one of my girl friends was telling me a funny story and she got all pissed, signed off, came back on and complained that I didn't even text her phone or come after her.

 

Yeh she can have guy friends that she talks to on the phone and prolly even flirts with but I cant..double standards can not exist in a relationship...screw that.

[neoskunk]

I have a question for yall. Last night we were talking on the phone about everything and she said that the main reason she was trying to make things work was because she wanted me to be happy and she knew thats what I wanted.

 

Is this a load of bull? I don't think all of this is for me. She doesn't want to let go either right?

[HLP234]

Sounds like she still can't get over it and needs support from you. I would tell her how you feel about that exactly and what the break has done to you. Tell her you need time to figure yourself out.

 

But if you really want to give her another chance just don't go back to your old self you must be stricter. Its up to you, but even though she says she wants you to be happy, she has to be happy as well and so must you with yourself, before you two are happy together.

[neoskunk]

Im so confused....I went over there thinking I was going to tell her we were through and she started being different. When I got there she was in the shower and she insisted I join her. We then went to dinner and the store...twice she reached to hold my hand. WTF!?!? Is she having doubts or what's going on? It's like her words and actions say two completely different things....

[silic0ntoad]

Flee. Please. Save yourself the heartache all of us suffered. Put it to her in an ultimatum. You're with me, or you're not. Pick now. Otherwise, I am gone. No more games. Show her you're a man who won't be walked on. Give her the ultimatum. You're mine, or I'll go be someone else's.

[HLP234]

Yeh now I see why mine doesn't want to to do anything with me while we are on a break. Because it will just confuse you both more.

 

I would just stick to how you feel, remember you have been hurt by her actions and if you soften up now, she will never learned what she did wrong.

 

I had the same thing happen to me, she would just turn me on and then say no we cant do anything its going to cloud my head. Don't fall for that, I plan to give an ultimatum when she gets back from home and see what happens.

 

I can't take this stuff anymore because I'm sitting here over analyzing what she could be doing with other people..which is not good for my health nor is it good because I have winter break and am here by myself with nothing to do.

 

But like we all said, give her the option to either be you with or not. Tell her thanks for everything and I hope you find someone that makes you happier.

 

If she wants more time, than just say I can't do this anymore I need to heal and move on if this is not going to work out.

 

I can guarantee you when i do get my speech out to her she will be pissed and say that she needs time to herself and why can't she have that..I guarantee it.

 

I'm not falling for this because you can't tell how much more you will have to wait but you shouldn't anyway if it hurts you.

[neoskunk]

i'm on break too and we live in separate cities so I won't be seeing her for a while. I don't plan on giving her the ultimatum because knowing her that would just piss her off. However, I plan on leaving her alone, NC so to speak. If she contacts me than I think maybe she still wants more.

[sean1970]

I don't plan on giving her the ultimatum because knowing her that would just piss her off. However, I plan on leaving her alone, NC so to speak. If she contacts me than I think maybe she still wants more.

 

I still want to shake you neo This reaffirms why...

[meerkat stew]

Is she having doubts or what's going on? It's like her words and actions say two completely different things....

 

20% chance she is having doubts and wanting to start over, but completely on her terms... up to you as to whether you can be happy under those terms, I sure couldn't.

 

80% chance she is weaning herself off you gradually and selfishly, so that she never feels one bit of heartache over losing you, and is already looking, maybe even talking to, or sleeping with other men. She can rationalize this to herself as not cheating because in the way she has things set up, you two aren't really dating. Then one day, she will blithely announce that she is going on a date with some guy. How's that gonna feel?

[HLP234]

Yuck the thought of that sounds crazy. You gotta tell her neo, or else that could happen. I mean you never know maybe she wants you back but you have to fend for yourself right now.