My GF of 6 years slept with someone a month after we broke up. We were our firsts.

[peaceplease]

Sorry it's so long, but here is my story:

 

My girlfriend and I broke up at the end of July after a six-year relationship that spanned time in high school, college, and even a year of grad school. We even lost our virginity to each other and had never been with other partners. The year prior to our break-up was quite strained. We each wanted to pursue graduate education on opposite coasts, and while she offered to move with me instead of going to school, I couldn't allow myself to let her give up such a great opportunity. When I told her this, though, and said we should possibly give long-distance a try in order to both go to the schools we wanted, it ended up sounding like I didn't love her and didn't want to be with her anymore, which couldn't be further from the truth.

 

After having a fight, we broke up, so I did everything I could to show her I loved her and never wanted to be apart. I offered to go with her to her new school, but she refused to let me (it would have meant moving several times and been a financial nightmare, she said), and we agreed that we would still move together so I could go to school and would then move together to her school after I finished. Not long after, though, she decided not to move in with me, to go to her school, and have a long-distance relationship.

 

To say the least, long-distance wasn't fun, but we were able to visit quite often, and things didn't get too bad. Several months later, though, I mentioned a family member had gotten engaged, and my girlfriend got incredibly mad at me for not proposing to her by this time, especially since we had nearly broken up before. She said that if I loved her, I would have proposed and we would be engaged while doing long-distance and it would have made things easier to cope with. I should say that I was never against us getting married. In fact, I thought that was the plan all along. I honestly just didn't have the money to buy her a ring, and even though she said that part of it didn't matter, she said that without a ring we couldn't get engaged. I asked her to wait so I could save money, but she said it was too late and we should have already been engaged after five years.

 

So, all the talk about engagement got us into a huge fight (on the phone, no less) and we ended up breaking up. She kept telling me that I didn't love her and that she wasn't good enough for me to marry (she actually had said this for years, without a reason to do so, because I showed her everyday that I loved her), so I finally snapped and said "Fine, it's over." My biggest regret ever.

 

Despite the fact that we both said incredibly hurtful things, I ended up being the bad guy because I said the final word. It felt like she was egging me on; that she could prove I didn't love her, even though I gave her all I could for six years! We never had a fight until these two times, and we were never unfaithful or mean or hurtful or anything. I showed her I loved her everyday and she showed me the same.

 

After we broke up, we tried to fix things over the phone but couldn't. We each had summer break off and could spend time together, so we decided to give it a shot during that time. It didn't work out. Though I begged and pleaded with her, tried to show her how much I cared about her, told her I would love to get married, she said that I had already had my chance and that it was too late. Still, she said she hoped that if it worked out in the future, she would love to get back together with me, but for now we need to break up and move on.

 

Now, this is the part that is bothering me so much right now. Before we officially broke up, I told her how important it was to me to know that we could spend our entire lives together only having slept with each other, and we could have that kind of sexual purity if we worked things out. (I know a lot of you reading this are saying, "so what? it's only sex", but I'll get to my point). She said that if it worked out in the future, we could get back together, but I told her that after we slept with other people, things would never be as good between us as they once were. I know that a lot of great love stories are of people falling in love, falling in love with other people, and then falling in love again, but to me, since my girlfriend and I had spent six years with each other and had only slept with each other, and that if we stayed together I thought it would be an amazing story to say we had only been with each other our whole lives. If we had started our relationship later in life, had broken up, and then gotten back together again, it is one thing, but I told her if we have the chance to keep this uniqueness, we should take it.

 

I should mention that neither of us are bound to any religious ideas of sex, but considering we had been together so long, I felt that this was something worth preserving. I also don't want to come across as a possessive misogynist, because that is not the case at all. I simply loved this girl with all of my heart, wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and found a unique comfort in knowing that she would be the only woman I ever slept with my entire life, and I the only man she had ever slept with.

 

To my sadness, we ended up not getting back together, and decided to have no contact. For two months, we didn't talk, but I sent her a small gift and called her on her birthday because I wanted to let her know she was still important to me and that I would always be there for her. She responded to my call angrily, though. I was surprised at this anger because while we didn't break up completely amicably, we hadn't been too mean to each other during the split. Confused by this anger, I contacted her a week or so later and she responded by telling me the entire relationship we had was a waste and that she never really loved me. I hadn't gotten over her yet, but after the call I could tell she really didn't love me anymore and I felt some closure.

 

Then, two days later, she calls me telling me she isn't over me, that she misses me and loves me and wishes we had never broken up. Elated, I think things might turn around, but in the course of our short conversation, she tell me that she slept with someone. During this phone call, we had been broken up for three months, but she slept with this guy she just met no more than a month after we had broken up.

 

I was devastated. Not so much that she was with another guy, because we broke up and all, but because she had just called me to tell me she missed me and because before we broke up I told her how amazing I thought it was that we had only slept with each other.

 

I thought it was important to not turn around and sleep with other people, for the sake of respecting our relationship, as well as respecting the fact that if we were to have a chance in the future, we couldn't irrationally have flings. But she had one of those flings. She said it didn't mean anything, but that hurt more. I would have felt better if she had fallen in love with someone else; someone who respected her and cared for her. Instead, she slept with a guy who took advantage of a her. She didn't care about how I poured my heart out to her about something so personal.

 

Needless to say, we're not getting back together. I just feel like our entire relationship of six years was trivialized a month after it ended. She told me she wasn't over me, but she still slept with some guy! After putting all I had into this relationship, her actions make it seem like she didn't care. In this respect, I'm not talking about sex in general as what angers me, but that as an action, nothing can speak louder in this situation.

 

I really am sorry for making this post so long, but this has been the worst experience of my life, and I hope you don't look upon it as something to scoff at. We all have opinions about sex, but in this case, I am hurt by her actions and how quickly she forgot about us.

 

Am I wrong to be so upset by this? We were broken up, but hadn't been for very long. Every time we had sex, it was a love-filled experience, never a carnal one. We looked into each others eyes every time (sappy, I know), and we came together every time (no "faking" jokes, please). I'm upset because of after six years of making love like this, she would go out as soon as she could and "****" someone (pardon my language).

 

Thanks to everyone for reading this. I'm trying to know if this is something that should upset me, and I also just want some closure so I can move on.

[teanoranges]

You have a beautiful, heartbreaking, story.

I don't think its too much to ask that someone doesn't jump in to sexual relations with someone else (whether its love or fling) if they really love you.

Wouldn't you think that true love would make you blind to all those other people?

But this is what I think, and sometimes I wonder if its because I'm so young and not as experienced. I just recently had things with my first love end and he's off with another woman who he loves already. I know they are sexual and it really makes me wonder, could I ever really accept him back?

 

I don't know what advice someone might give where the other person does something with someone but that just makes them realize how much they miss you? Is that even possible?

I'm beginning to believe no one will ever be incredibly faithful.

And those stories where people break up, sleeps with another person, then end up back together, I'm sure they end up breaking up again.

 

Sorry its all just brainstorming and no real advice... I'm just learning myself.

[nobleguy]

I told my ex in March when we first split that if she ever went with anyone else then it was over for good, even if she did it while separated.

 

She was upset by this and couldn't get her head round it, and it told me she had someone in mind that she was planning to be with but wanted me as security in case it was a disappointment. We got back together in April 'intact' as it were.

 

I said the same when we split in August with the same reaction from her (again she had someone in mind).

 

I finally reiterated this last week when she told me she had slept with someone else and then the very next day had thoughts about us trying to work things out(!?). She was upset all over again at the idea that she no longer has a right to think of us a possibility.

 

What is this? A marriage or a convenience that you can leave when you want to for a bit then come back when it gets dull? A joke...

 

It's the only control over the split that I've had, so I have to stick to it and accept that we can never be together again. Hard, but since she told me about him and I've accepted that I'm going to stick to my rule (took a week of umming an ahhhing ) I've actually felt a lot better.

 

I've worked out that it's probable that she is with him, it's not brilliant, possibly a disappointment after finally getting the exciting sex outside the marriage, he's essentially her fourth choice , he's not what she really wants and was thinking about 'us' again because of that...crazy!

[Ronni_W]

I know that a lot of great love stories are of people falling in love, falling in love with other people, and then falling in love again, but to me, since my girlfriend and I had spent six years with each other and had only slept with each other, and that if we stayed together I thought it would be an amazing story to say we had only been with each other our whole lives.

Could I ask for a clarification? - Are/were you in love with your idea of having "an amazing story" to tell, or are/were you in love with your (ex)girlfriend and how your relationship helped you each to learn, grow and enjoy life?

 

It is fair enough that you would have liked to have your preferred version of this story to tell...but what about your ex's likes and preferences? Apparently, when it came down to it, she did not share yours and did not derive the same "unique comfort" knowing that you two would be each other's "only".

 

Not that there is anything "bad or wrong" giving up on, or resisting, reality in favour of some "ideal" or "fantasy" scenario that is stuck in one's head. But. Is that really how you want to do your life?

Edited November 13, 2009 by Ronni_W
misread posts

[ElChup]

This is an interesting thread. For many years my ex had not had full penetrative sex. She had been with men, but not technically lost her virginity. In the first six months of our relationship she lost her virginity to me and up until I left our home a couple of weeks ago I had been the only person she had properly been with (and I assume its still the case). I must admit the thought of her being fully with another man is something that makes me uncomfortable as its as if that little bit if specialness I have will be taken away.

 

It's funny as this brings me onto another issue. She is really upset because I asked for some really expensive sexy underwear I bought her back a couple of days ago. She never wore it for me, despite what it cost, and I keep having these visions of her wearing it for the next guy, which to me seems deeply unfair. However, they were a gift and the fact of that means that she presently views me as a dirtbag for asking for them back.

 

Thoughts?

[nobleguy]

However, they were a gift and the fact of that means that she presently views me as a dirtbag for asking for them back.

 

I'm ashamed to say I asked for and got my ex's engagement ring back...

Petty, mean and nasty really.

 

But I don't see in your case why you should pay for underwear that remains unused that she is going to potentially use with someone else.

[Ronni_W]

I think the mental error is in thinking that future experiences automatically change the uniqueness, specialness and significance of past events and relationships.

 

To me, it's almost as bizarre as thinking-saying that, when a second child is born, the first becomes somehow "not as wonderful" as it used to be when it was the only.

It is the set of underlying beliefs that need to be examined and updated. The children (and the sex partners) retain their own meaning and significance no matter what happens in the future.

 

ElChup, yes - that was tacky to the max, to ask her for her underwear!!! Best you can do is plead temporary insanity, and ask her to please forget it if she can...or, at least to forgive it on those grounds.

 

EDIT TO ADD: I can make a case for asking for an engagement ring back...definitely so, if she called it off. Or CDs or sweaters, really. Not cool, but I can make a case for those. But not for UNDERWEAR.

Edited November 13, 2009 by Ronni_W

[ElChup]

I'm ashamed to say I asked for and got my ex's engagement ring back...

Petty, mean and nasty really.

I had no problem asking for that back. Cost my £3,000, why shouldn't I take it back if she wasn't getting married to me and she broke it off?

But I don't see in your case why you should pay for underwear that remains unused that she is going to potentially use with someone else.

See, this is how I feel. It's not just underwear. It was an intimate gift meant for the two of us to enjoy together. It wasn't ever meant to be used for some other guy. That's why I can't view it as "just another gift".

[HeavenOrHell]

I wouldn't ask for any gifts about, except engagement ring maybe, as that's different if there's no marriage! But any gifts are their's to keep and do what they want with. I'd feel a bit silly asking for them back cos my ex would know that it's got to me.

 

I feel the same about my ex sleeping with someone else as he'd only ever slept with me, and if he sleeps/when he sleeps with someone else it's taken that specialness away, makes me feel I'm being possessive when I think it but it's how I feel

 

 

This is an interesting thread. For many years my ex had not had full penetrative sex. She had been with men, but not technically lost her virginity. In the first six months of our relationship she lost her virginity to me and up until I left our home a couple of weeks ago I had been the only person she had properly been with (and I assume its still the case). I must admit the thought of her being fully with another man is something that makes me uncomfortable as its as if that little bit if specialness I have will be taken away.

 

It's funny as this brings me onto another issue. She is really upset because I asked for some really expensive sexy underwear I bought her back a couple of days ago. She never wore it for me, despite what it cost, and I keep having these visions of her wearing it for the next guy, which to me seems deeply unfair. However, they were a gift and the fact of that means that she presently views me as a dirtbag for asking for them back.

 

Thoughts?

[peaceplease]

Could I ask for a clarification? - Are/were you in love with your idea of having "an amazing story" to tell, or are/were you in love with your (ex)girlfriend and how your relationship helped you each to learn, grow and enjoy life?

 

It is fair enough that you would have liked to have your preferred version of this story to tell...but what about your ex's likes and preferences? Apparently, when it came down to it, she did not share yours and did not derive the same "unique comfort" knowing that you two would be each other's "only".

 

Not that there is anything "bad or wrong" giving up on, or resisting, reality in favour of some "ideal" or "fantasy" scenario that is stuck in one's head. But. Is that really how you want to do your life?

 

 

These are questions that I knew would arise, so thank you for bringing them up.

 

To answer the first, I was in love with everything about us. We had experienced a lot together during our time and we grew in ways I never thought possible. Really, I think my point is coming off as a little unclear. The idea of us being our only partners was something that I had only begun to think about in the last year of our relationship. Since we had come so far (granted, six years out of a lifetime isn't that far, but it is a long time for a young couple) I started to romanticize about the "fairytale" type setting, and I expressed this to her. To answer you, though, I was fond of the idea, but I was truly in love with her.

 

As far as my ex-girlfriend's preferences, I'm not trying to say that her future without me isn't important and that we didn't simply disagree on this point, what I'm trying to say is that we made it clear that leaving this "unique comfort" was something we hoped to seriously consider before moving on. I am hurt because it does not seem like she truly thought about it. She told me that her fling was a mistake and that she was just instantly trying to get over our relationship, and this rash type of action was exactly what I was afraid of. As far as her living her life, I want the best for her. I want someone to love her for the amazing person that she is, and even though I loved her all I could, I hope she is with someone who loves her more. It bothers me to think that she was with someone who doesn't love her, because I loved her, and she deserves to be loved. Some people don't have the same feelings about sex as I have shared. A lot of people think that it is a primitive act of lust and desire, and I agree with that to a certain extent. It's just that we never performed that act, and I think she realized after she slept with this guy that this wasn't the same type of love she got from our relationship and not the same type of sex she imagined. Only after sleeping with this guy did she realize she wasn't over our relationship. I think we all know that this would happen! I'm much more contemplative than she is, so I thought about the ramifications of how our actions post-break up would be perceived by one another, and I tried to explain my rationality so we wouldn't end up where we are. We both still aren't over each other, and she even expressed to me that it would be nice to get back together, but how could we ever do that after she ignored my pleas? I'm not asking how we could get back together after she slept with someone else, but how we could get back together after she discounted something that was very important to me, and without having her own guidelines to follow. She just did something she thought would hurt me, then realized how much of a mistake it was to her. My sadness is not as simple as the jealousy I have after she slept with someone else, it is that she went out of her way to show me that we were a waste of time. I'm not sure things like this can be overcome.

 

For the third question, what we had was reality. It wasn't imagined. If we had met later in life, after other lovers, and I pined for this "fantasy" I would find it completely irrational. I do feel naive and immature for wanting to preserve our sexual history, but if we were so close to marriage and that preservation, then I don't feel that this is just fantasy. It was a wedding ring away.

 

Lastly, your final question is what I think will get me to move on with this. I don't know if I wanted to avoid other life experiences in favor of staying with this one girl, but I am trying to move on from this heartbreak first. Most likely I will realize that making the most of life is better than living in a naive fantasy, but right now, this all still really hurts.

 

Thank you again for bringing up these questions. I greatly appreciate it.

[peaceplease]

Thank you teanoranges for your sympathy. It sounds like we're in similar boats. We're not just dealing with a recent break-up, we're dealing with losing our first loves and seeing them move on with other people. It's all too much to handle at once! These things need to be spread out over time!

 

Likewise, I wish I had advice for you, and I am beginning to feel somewhat hopeless over faithfulness as well, but hopefully this brainstorming will lead us to feeling better.

[someguyonthenet]

is your name sean, by any chance

[Ody]

 

PP,

 

You are upset because you recently ended a 6 year relationship. This is natural and reasonable, and is really the important point.

 

All the other stuff - the sex purity stuff, the blame stuff, the logistics stuff, the other lover stuff, all of it - while possibly hurtful or fair or unfair or tantalizing or whatever, isn't really very important compared to that. In fact it's noise, distracting you from the main issue, which is that your relationship is over.

 

It's really really hard not to overanalyze the details of a breakup, because you want a better answer. Sadly, there is no better, sensible answer that you will find. It's easier to focus on those details than really really confront the big picture, which is that someone you loved is gone from your life.

 

However, until you do confront that big picture and try seriously to move on, the details will just swirl around and continue to not make any sense as they are doing now.

 

You need to focus on moving on, and I recommend you break off contact forever, or at least a long time (years, not months).

 

Even if it feels so, your relationship has not been trivialized - unless you do this going forward. Instead try to take away from it those memories and traits that are poignant and valuable - if perhaps bittersweet. If you can do that, and not get wrapped up in the blame game, or the regrets, or the bad memories, you'll be a better man for it and it will make the rest of your life more meaningful.

 

And try not to beat yourself up about it.

[teanoranges]

Yes, don't beat yourself up! I found myself feeling horrible and trying to figure out why she was so much better than me (she's like 8 years older than me and my ex) but I came to realize that she's not. No one's really better, maybe better for him but I'll find my love. I won't give up.

 

Then again, maybe I hold too high of expectations? Who knows. But what I do know is I'd rather be in a deep meaningful relationship than hop on the first person just cause I'm lonely and need some sexual excitement..

but again, that might change in time.

 

You were lucky to have someone be your first and you there's. I let this guy be my first and he already had other girlfriends before. I don't regret it though. Getting over heartbreak is one of those things that makes you see how strong you are. We would all like that fairytale of young loves, firsts, growing old and being together forever... but it doesn't happen often (it happens... but not often)

[Ronni_W]

, and she even expressed to me that it would be nice to get back together, but how could we ever do that after she ignored my pleas?

That's what I was trying to address -- how to do it is to give up on that old fantasy of yours, and accept reality as it is NOW. (I didn't mean that what you had was not reality at that time.)

 

I'm getting that you perceive yourself as "rational" and her as "impulsive/irrational", and I have to assume that is accurate. But then, would it not have been rational for you to have foreseen that what she did does exactly fit in with her tendency towards sometimes acting impulsively? Was it rational to think that lecturing her about what you wanted as far as your ideal "amazing story" goes would somehow "make her" change her basic nature? Is it rational to expect others to act in ways that will maintain and support your idealized, fantasy scenarios? Or, did you love and accept her EXCEPT for her "impulsive/irrational" side?

 

BTW, obviously these are just my own opinions -- please ignore any and all that are inaccurate or do not feel right/good.

 

IMO, how to ever get back together with her is to start exploring and updating your own limiting beliefs, making accurate your own mental errors, and giving up your own unreasonable and unrealistic expectations.

 

*IF* you actually want to get back with her, it seems that you are being inhibited only by your own beliefs and attitudes that are saying that you "cannot" (powerlessness) or "should not" (self-righteousness, judgment of her.)

 

There is a level of...immaturity, really...to say, "I can't be with the one I love who loves me because she ignored my pleas to not act hastily and, as a consequence, I lost my 'unique comfort' and we lost our 'sexual purity'."

I mean...does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me?

 

You could look at it from another perspective; that she acted in ways that she thought, accurately or not, would help her (a) feel better, (b) learn and grow, © find some clarity about something, or (d) some/all of the above.

 

She does, after all, have the right to determine her own course of action and make her own mistakes. Just because you lectured and warned about how NOT to get over your break-up really doesn't mean a thing to her rights and privileges around self-determination and free will choices.

 

YOU are discounting all of that in favour of that idealized, fantasy scenario that you allowed to get stuck in your head a year or two ago. I do not agree with you that she did it only or primarily because she thought it would hurt you. But, as long as you want to believe that and want to stay stuck in your...er, self-righteous, powerless, victim stance, then...well, you guys FOR SURE aren't getting back together, are you?

 

So, it gets you back to: Do you really want to live your life in pursuit of maintaining your limiting beliefs and being able to act the self-righteous victim?

Edited November 14, 2009 by Ronni_W
grammar

[teanoranges]

You know, I've struggled with that too. I wonder, if my ex wanted me back, should I take him even though he's been with other women? Was it something he needed to do to gain self-discovery? then maybe he realizes that I was the one he really loved?

 

Then I think of how once you let someone get away with something once, they usually do it again.

Who's to say they wouldn't? Should you push it aside again and say they needed to do it, it was self-discovery?

 

Its a really confusing thing and I think it does take a lot of soul-searching to find out how you feel about it.

Do I think you should give up your beliefs for a relationship to remain faithful? not really.. its possible there is someone out there who will be just that (not firsts, but that doesn't mean its not special) but you'd need to let go of the fantasy if you want to be with her, obviously.

 

Its a person's choice and the best thing to do is live your life, live in the moment when you need to and be logical when you need to.

[Ronni_W]

Well, not to sacrifice one's authentic needs, preferences and goals, or give up one's supportive, self-affirming beliefs, no...just the ones that don't serve current-day needs and goals, and are limiting in some way.

 

To me, if a relationship has ended, then there really isn't anything to "get away with". But if there was cheating during the relationship, then yes, for sure there are other factors that must also be considered. Not that it is impossible to forgive, just that expectations of fidelity do not outlive a relationship for even a second...regardless of our beliefs about what is an "appropriate time to wait" to have sex with the next person.

 

As you say, though, it definitely is for each individual to decide for themselves once they've considered as many angles/perspectives as possible.

[nobleguy]

You know, I've struggled with that too. I wonder, if my ex wanted me back, should I take him even though he's been with other women? Was it something he needed to do to gain self-discovery? then maybe he realizes that I was the one he really loved?

 

That is a possibility that I had not considered at all after splitting. If mine comes back after sleeping with others is it because she realised what she gave up... It's an interesting question that...

 

BUT...

 

Then I think of how once you let someone get away with something once, they usually do it again.

Who's to say they wouldn't? Should you push it aside again and say they needed to do it, it was self-discovery?

 

Yes, there is then the possibility that the relationship is seen as something that can be periodically broken in the future to 're-discover' themselves all over again. Then who's to say they don't find what they are looking for in someone else next time, leaving you for good?

 

I'm pretty adamant (today anyway LOL!) that she's not going to be let back in under any circumstances.

[fiser360]

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. My ex of three years and I broke up about 5 months ago. She slept with another guy barely a month out of our relationship and we were each other's firsts. It really really bothers me still. I feel that if we get back together it's still going to bother me for a period of time. It sounds selfish or controlling, but that's just the way I feel. So I can relate man.

 

Good luck.

[peaceplease]

Thanks for all the help everyone. I took some time away from the boards to cool off a bit, which is why this comes a week or so later. It sounds like quite a few of us have experienced similar things, and even though they hurt us, it's not worth it to let bad thoughts linger. It's important to enjoy your own life, I've realized, and not worry about negative things. Thanks again for the advice and the sympathy.