Same old story, together forever but no ring.

[alllisson]

Hi. I've never really written about my relationship before, but I don't know what else to do to get this off my chest.

 

By BF and I will be together for 8 years this spring, since I was 19 and he was 23. He is now about to turn 31 and I am going to turn 27. I just graduated college and am working full-time, and he is still in undergrad with plans to get his master's when he gets his BS (about a year from now) we also run a small business together.

 

We have lived together for about 7 years, share most of our finances, and have a cat and dog. I have taken over almost all the domestic duties (cooking, groceries, cleaning, bill paying) to support his educational goals. He's an extremely good partner, cute, smart, ambitious, kind, eager to please, and very aware and grateful for the contributions I make to help our lives run more smoothly.

 

Except he won't marry me! I have never been someone who felt like I must be married, that it would fulfill some requirement in my life, but at this point, considering how many contributions I make, I am tired of being the weird couple who has been together forever but isn't married. I don't even want a wedding. I just want the title of "Wife".

 

This frustrationg for many reasons, but also because every sign indicates that he plans on being with me forever. He wants to buy a house and have kids with me, and has even said that he might think about marrying when he is finished with school, but I am *certain* that is an excuse, and when he finishes school there will be some other barrier. I am not allowed to even bring it up because he refuses to be "pressured into marriage" and trying to even talk about it counts as pressure, I guess.

 

It seems stupid to break up over this, since it's hard to find a caring, respectful partner that one also finds attractive, but it makes me bitter even when I hear the word husband. I keep all this inside, though, which is why I'm posting here. I have tried to move past it and just accept that we will be partners in life and be happy with having a successful monogamous relationship, but I just can't get over it. Any thoughts or advice?

[PinkToes]

I'm really sorry you're going through this; logically you would think, "if he really loved me, he would understand how important this is..."

 

But unfortunately for you, the situation as a whole is working perfectly for him. He doesn't see any need to change. He's probably close to 100% in the satisfaction department, while you are feeling less than that -- you're happy with the vast majority of the relationship, but you're a few points shy of perfect.

 

So what that means is that what you choose to do about it is the only potential change in status quo. And if you're not interested in losing this man or this relationship, you're going to have to find a way to cope with the way things are. Maybe he'll change his mind in time; but meanwhile, all you can do is let it go, or move on.

[Lauriebell82]

This frustrationg for many reasons, but also because every sign indicates that he plans on being with me forever. He wants to buy a house and have kids with me, and has even said that he might think about marrying when he is finished with school, but I am *certain* that is an excuse, and when he finishes school there will be some other barrier. I am not allowed to even bring it up because he refuses to be "pressured into marriage" and trying to even talk about it counts as pressure, I guess.

 

Whey are you so *certain* this an excuse. You know him the best, do you think he really is manipulating you into staying with him with empty promises of marriage?

 

I do know couples like this (man leads woman on) with no explanation. This guy DID give you one..he wants to finish school. I can relate, my boyfriend waited longer then I wanted him to to propose. He told me later that he was afraid I was just obsessed with being married/weddings and not actually being with him forever.

 

He's not ready..he told you. He doesn't want you bringing it up and he doesn't want you pressuring him. BUT he has made it known that he does want a future with you when he is ready. I know 8 years is a long time and although it's okay that he's not ready, it seems that he really isn't interested or cares about how long you have waited. That's not fair either.

 

You really have 3 options:

a) let it go and do NOT bring it up. Just be patient.

b) move on with your life and pursue a relationship where you both want the same thing.

c) keep pressuring him and talking about it, thus driving him away and losing him.

 

Option C doesn't sound pretty, but it seems you are headed there...

[Ody]

Any thoughts or advice?

 

How was his parents' marriage? For much of my twenties I was very uncomfortable about marriage despite being a serial monogamist and I think it was largely because I hadn't yet seen one that worked. I luckily encountered some wonderful marriages among older friends in my late twenties, but maybe he is uncomfortable for some similar reason that has nothing to do with you.

[allina]

I don't know many men who would propose while trying to finish school, men like to have their lives in order before taking that step.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about it unless you feel like there is more to the issue than just marriage. Has be had other relationships? Is there a possibility that he feels like "seeing what else is out there" before settling down?

 

What makes your certain that he's using school as an excuse?

[ADF]

Wow. This is a really tough situation. I don't know your BF, but this doesn't sound good. If, after 8 years together, he still doesn't want to get married, I dont think he ever will.

 

Many men are terrified by the thought of marriage. They regard marriage almost as a kind of death. They associate it with a loss of freedom, the end of youth, and the threat of financial ruin. What they don't realize is that when they refuse to marry the women they love, they are sending them a message that says, "I want an easy way out. No matter how long we are together, no matter how many children we may have together, no matter how many years of your life you invest in us, I want to be able to walk away any time I like, owing nothing and never having to look back." It is a cruel, brutal message.

 

I think you're going to have to press the issue, no matter what he says. You've been together 8 years; you've been plenty patient. If he cannot comprehend why getting marriage is so important to you, or why his refusal to marry you is so hurtful, maybe he isn't the one for you.

 

Good luck.

[Malenfant]

Has OP talked to him about marriage?

 

if you're just waiting for him to ask you, he probably thinks you're not bothered.

 

I dont agree with posts on here saying he is cruel, and just wants to have an easy way out. Lots of people nowadays dont believe in marriage.

and not because its an easy way out option, but because to alot of people it is an outdated concept.

 

Obviously OP would like to be married but that doesnt make him a bad person for not wanting to, and it doesnt indicate that he has a frivolous attitude towards the relationship at all. without knowing more about why he hasnt asked her i dont see how he can be judged so harshly.

 

OP you need to discuss this with your partner. Find out his reasons, maybe its just never occured to him to get married.

[shunter]

So you know your BF better than any of us. You think his waiting until school is over is an excuse. So I am going go with your instinct. That is an excuse.

 

Further, it has been EIGHT years. So it is logical to assume if it will go EIGHT years it can go TEN, 12 or more years! Yes, he might propose to you in year 14 or year 18, but it sounds like it definitely will not happen anytime soon.

 

Putting off marriage is always a bad excuse. IF he said "lets do it in July instead of April because of school and I want to take a week off for a honeymoon" that is a GOOD excuse. But to blindly put it off for a couple years is just pulling the wool of your eyes. He is not ready and maybe he anticipates being ready in a couple years, but time does not solve this issue.

 

He does not want to marry you. He may not want to marry anyone in his life either.

 

Also, can you answer one or two questions for me. Did you take a lot of initiative in starting this relationship? did you pursue him or did he have to work to start dating you?

[Krytie TV]

I don't know many men who would propose while trying to finish school, men like to have their lives in order before taking that step.

 

I just did, so it is quite possible. It may be difficult for men with highly compartmentalized thought structures.

[Lauriebell82]

I just did, so it is quite possible.

 

True, but I think a lot of men are concerned with the financial aspect (how to pay for a wedding, support themselves) and usually college students are not financially stable.

 

NOW it's possible that the OP's BF could propose and then wait to get married until he is more financially stable. But judging by her post, it seems that her BF has pretty much everything he needs so why be engaged for a long period of time and spend a fortune on a ring?

[Krytie TV]

why be engaged for a long period of time and spend a fortune on a ring?

 

Or do what I did and spend $6 on a totally unique engagement item that my fiancee loved. Granted, most women would not be able to put aside the quest for diamonds and if they did, might find that marriage would be easier for men to accept.

[jerseyboy]

Hate to say it but without some fear of loss he isnt going to change a thing.

 

At this point its mroe than fair to point out that as much as you love him, you arent getting any younger, youve been giving him the best years of your life, and empty promises wont cut it. That you dont wish to be a thirty somethign single woman looking for a husband, and if he isnt going to be the one, then you need to move on.

[Lauriebell82]

Hate to say it but without some fear of loss he isnt going to change a thing.

 

At this point its mroe than fair to point out that as much as you love him, you arent getting any younger, youve been giving him the best years of your life, and empty promises wont cut it. That you dont wish to be a thirty somethign single woman looking for a husband, and if he isnt going to be the one, then you need to move on.

 

Yes but would you want to scare/threaten your partner into marrying you? I sure wouldn't. And honestly, I think that's the reason for so many EA!!!

[jerseyboy]

We've turned the world upside down over the last several decades.

 

You still can't walk into an auto dealership, take a car, drive it for several years, and then wait for the owner to ask you whether or not you want to buy it:)

 

Cart before the horse.

 

So now what does she do? Waste her life hoping hell eventually show her some consideration. You have no idea how many guy friends I have that have strung some chick along, usually while shes helping to support them, while going through med school or some such, only to upgrade to a newer model once they got everyhting together.

 

Its just reality.

 

Its not ideal, but as a guy who has gone through numerous relatinships with no intention of every marrying, its what Id suggest to a friend to do.

[Lauriebell82]

Its not ideal, but as a guy who has gone through numerous relatinships with no intention of every marrying, its what Id suggest to a friend to do.

 

Okay, so how would you feel then if a girlfriend tried to force you or threaten you into marrying her? And has that happened?

 

I'm sorry but I do not advise ultimatums. The guy either wants to marry you or not. The OP's boyfriend-sorry to say-does not want to marry her, at least right now. Why should she force him then? They will both just end up miserable.

 

She needs to either be okay with waiting for him (which she clearly isn't) or move on with her life. I really don't even know if I'd accept a proposal that was made just because I left my boyfriend/threatened to leave. I'd question his motives.

 

Have you ever seen the movie "He's just not that Into you"? It's enlightening.

[jerseyboy]

Okay, so how would you feel then if a girlfriend tried to force you or threaten you into marrying her? And has that happened?

 

I'm sorry but I do not advise ultimatums. The guy either wants to marry you or not. The OP's boyfriend-sorry to say-does not want to marry her, at least right now. Why should she force him then? They will both just end up miserable.

 

She needs to either be okay with waiting for him (which she clearly isn't) or move on with her life. I really don't even know if I'd accept a proposal that was made just because I left my boyfriend/threatened to leave. I'd question his motives.

 

Have you ever seen the movie "He's just not that Into you"? It's enlightening.

 

 

They are together, what was it 8 years?

 

People go through these things afraid to find out the truth. Like not wanting to go to the doctor because you may learn youre seriously ill:)

 

If she prefers to keep deluding herself fine.

 

And yes I have been there. The answer was also not what they were looking for. But it was what was best for them since I really didnt have any intention of getting married. Frankly one in particular I wish had asked earlier, as it would have made breaking up earlier, something we should of done long beforehand, far easier.

 

Also let me add Im not suggesting she tell him I want to schedule our wedding for such and such a date. A long engagement isnt terrible. But he needs to make a commitment to her beyond being his gf.

[VeveCakes]

I agree.

 

However - the OP needs to decide if she can live with never getting married, if she can than fine, if not then she needs to talk to her boyfriend. If he says he can't commit then she needs to walk and find someone who will marry her.

 

Marriage is really important to some people. I personally don't get it as I don't ever want to get married...but it's the principle in what is important to the OP.

[jerseyboy]

I agree.

 

However - the OP needs to decide if she can live with never getting married, if she can than fine, if not then she needs to talk to her boyfriend. If he says he can't commit then she needs to walk and find someone who will marry her.

 

Marriage is really important to some people. I personally don't get it as I don't ever want to get married...but it's the principle in what is important to the OP.

 

 

I think women confuse ( or buy the bs) that length of time together is the same kind of commitment. In essence hes already married to her, and just hasnt gotten around to asking ehr yet due to corcumstances.

 

It isnt just a piece of paper, no matter how much people try to delude themselves.

 

It means thats it, this is forever. A person may be willing to live with you for several years, especially at a young age. Doesnt mean they want it put in cement. Knowing you can leave at any time, for whatever reason,w ith no consequences is huge.

 

And thinbking that if you just manage to stay around long enough hell just do it out of pity or something is unrealistic.

[VeveCakes]

Totally......

[norajane]

and has even said that he might think about marrying when he is finished with school,

 

He "might" think about marriage then? So he hasn't given it any consideration during the past 8 years, and he may or may not start considering it when he's finished with school? All while you are supporting him?

 

He's not interested in marrying you. You need to decide if what you have is enough, or not. If not, then move out. Don't threaten, don't give ultimatums, just set a date in your head when you will move out if he hasn't made a decision by then, start looking for apartments, and give him a month's notice that you'll be moving out in 30 days.

 

Dude has the milk, the cow, a cook, a maid, a personal assistant and a meal ticket...he has no reason to marry you since he already has everything you've got to give.

[BellaLeigh]

Wow. This is a really tough situation. I don't know your BF, but this doesn't sound good. If, after 8 years together, he still doesn't want to get married, I dont think he ever will.

 

Many men are terrified by the thought of marriage. They regard marriage almost as a kind of death. They associate it with a loss of freedom, the end of youth, and the threat of financial ruin. What they don't realize is that when they refuse to marry the women they love, they are sending them a message that says, "I want an easy way out. No matter how long we are together, no matter how many children we may have together, no matter how many years of your life you invest in us, I want to be able to walk away any time I like, owing nothing and never having to look back." It is a cruel, brutal message.

 

I think you're going to have to press the issue, no matter what he says. You've been together 8 years; you've been plenty patient. If he cannot comprehend why getting marriage is so important to you, or why his refusal to marry you is so hurtful, maybe he isn't the one for you.

 

Good luck.

 

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Wow, you said this perfectly. I am in a similar situation and have been giving this a lot of thought. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[BellaLeigh]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years he is about to turn 30 and I am 25. We have a house, 2 dogs, bills together, etc. He doesn’t like to talk about the subject either because he thinks he is being pressured. He talks about having kids one day and also says he will marry me someday but doesn’t know when.

 

I often wonder if this is true and if I am being led on. We live as we are married, I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, work full time, and go to school full time. I think that in a way he has the milk so why buy the cow. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and I don’t know what to do about my situation as well.

 

I know as women we like to make excuses for people and believe that someday they will do it but in reality I don’t know what to believe. Sometimes I think that he is full of it and it wont happen and other times I think it will. Honestly, I think in most cases our gut instinct is right and when you already live as you are married then why should there be a problem being married. I think they just don’t wont to do it and probably wont unless they loss us first and it should have to be that way.

Edited November 19, 2009 by BellaLeigh

[jerseyboy]

No

 

Its not metaphorical death, threat of financial ruin, or loss of youth. Although if by loss of youth you mean not desirng the responsibility and keeping the opportunity open to end it and see other people, then yes it is.

 

And the other poster was correct. Fear of loss is the largest motivator. That and the often reality that they suck at being single, arent as attractive to other women as they hoped, and do have feelings for the person they are with, and are lucky to be with someone so wonderful to them blah blah

 

Weve changed the dynamic of relationships over the last several decades. Biological urges, mostly sexual urges, caused people to marry. Often very young. Parents and solcietal restraints protected their daughters "virtue", and it became incumbent on the man to marry to satisfy their own need.

 

Now weve removed that behavioral mechanism by common sexual activity, and more so by making greater variety readily available to the individual. Now not only is marriage an unnecessary condition of his biological imperatives, it is actually an impediment to satisfying them in a world where the fruit is plentiful.

 

We dont have biological clocks

[stillafool]

He's not interested in marrying you. You need to decide if what you have is enough, or not. If not, then move out. Don't threaten, don't give ultimatums, just set a date in your head when you will move out if he hasn't made a decision by then, start looking for apartments, and give him a month's notice that you'll be moving out in 30 days.

 

OP you really need to take heed to the above paragraph. He has given you all the information you need to know. It is up to you now to start taking control of your own life.

[Tizzy]

8 years? Be thankful you have no children together, this will make it easier for you to leave, which is exactly what you need to do if this man is not willing to marry you. Yeah, you may think your relationship seems great blah blah blah and think he's an awesome guy, but clearly you harbor resentment over not being asked to be this man's wife. That resentment will breed and breed and only get worse over time and continue to be a source of conflict in your relationship. Not healthy!

 

Why live like that? Nip it in the bud, leave if he doesn't also want to get married, and focus on getting YOUR needs fulfilled in life. As long as you stay with him and want to get married but don't, your are taking care of all of his needs while he's leaving yours empty. He certainly won't be going anywhere but at what expense to you? You deserve to have your desires met!