Jealous over boyfriend's past - need to overcome (long)

[Venéa]

Hi,

 

I'm a new member so firstly, will introduce myself - name's Kate. Love this site and it's really helpful, so finally decided to join! Sorry this is so long, forgive me, when I talk about this, I end up rambling and I just hope this will all make sense lol.

 

Well, my problem goes back, long before I met my boyfriend. I suffered from bulimia nervosa a while ago, it was about a year whilst I had the disorder and this all ended about 15 months ago. I've always been a rather shy girl, but after my disorder I stopped trying to overcome that problem and didn't really make alot of friends. I also got highly depressed and took anti-depressants for a while, aswell as having an extremely low self-esteem. I went to a psycholigist for a while afterwards, and got help, help that I needed at that time - I didn't really feel like I had anything to live for. According to him,the trigger for my disorder was losing my best friend to cancer about a year before. But anyway, I started to get my life back on track and made new friends, etc. I even went on a few dates, something I hadn't been able to do because of my shyness. It wasn't that I wasn't asked out occasionally, but I never took them seriously and was too timid to call or whatever.

 

It was about 8 months ago I met my current boyfriend. He had a reputation for being a bit of a 'stud', although I never really saw this side to him as he was pretty depressed over splitting up with his past girlfriend. His group of friends became my group of friends, and they really helped me relax and let my hair down from time to time. I was beginning not to hate my life so much, I had some friends now, friends that are genuinely amazing people. So, after about two months, when my boyfriend asked me out. I was a little dubious, as I knew of his reputation but I thought 'hey, let's be spontaneous' so I did, and it was the best decision I ever made, we completely clicked. And we've been together ever since. He's changed so much since we got together, he's alot more caring and thoughtful and he doesn't go out partying and drinking as much - I know this is because, all his friends he went with are single and go out to 'pull' and he's said he doesn't need to do that anymore as he has what he wants. We're completely in love, and I haven't been happier with anyone. I lost my virginity to him a few months ago and he was so sweet and caring, how could this be the same person who was such a 'slut' months previous?

 

But, it was when we got closer, I learnt about the extent of his past. I knew he'd only had two serious girlfriends before me, but I didn't realise how many random people he'd slept with over the years. Seriously, there's a list longer than my arm. This bothers me, partly because I sometimes have doubts that he might want to go back to being the 'stud' who everyone wants to be with, and sometimes I just get jealous because it seems that intimacy isn't at all important to him. He tells me all the time, he prefers to be in a relationship like that and he was just stupid and immature and most of the time 'under the influence' but it still really niggles me, because I always have this doubt he might want to be like that again some day.

 

There's also the fact about his 2 girlfriends that bothers me. One of them, he never loved, but he lost his V to her and they went through quite alot together (she had an abortion) so obviously he is still fond of her. I understand why he has to be, the amount of trauma they went through - noone else other than the two of them would ever be able to understand that. But his other girlfriend, she get's me really jealous. She's very much like me in a way, insecure, innocent (??)...she fell for him and he looked after her, as he looks after me. And he loved her, boy did he love her. They were incredibly close and I still find it hard to believe that he still doesn't love her. He tells me he doesn't but you only have to listen to him bitching about her and saying how much he hates her, to know that he's only saying that because it's entirely the opposite. I don't think she would be as much of a problem if we didn't see her. But we see her, all the time - this is because she's now dating his 'best friend' (quite frankly, I don't see how anyone could do that to a real mate you know??). And she's tried to get back in contact with him and make up but he can't bring himself to talk about her. He also mentions her all the time - and this doesn't help my insecurity at all. I mean, you should look at her. She's stunning, I'd seen her around before I was introduced and she's awe-strikingly beautiful. How the hell do I compete with that? I'm tempted to go back to my doctor and talk about all this - but in the back of my mind, I don't believe this is just about my insecurity, I'm not sure what it is but I feel like it's gotta be more than that.

 

So the question I ask you is this, how the hell do I overcome my jealousy of his past without pushing him away and sending myself over the edge again?

[DerangedAngel]

Hey! I don't have much advice that I can give you, but I would like to just talk a bit.

 

First, I have also struggled with an eating disorder. I am constantly blaming everything that happens between my BF and I on my weight. If we fight, my first thoughts are literally to blame it on the fact that he thinks I'm fat, or some other form of ugly. (Hope you understand where I'm coming from.) I KNOW that I am a

very insecure individual. This is partly due to my previous relationship, and the way I was treated by my ex. I never feel like I will be good enough for anyone. Even still.

 

Also I can relate to being jealous. Even of the past, like you are. I understand that what happened before he met me is out of my hands, and HE can't change it, but I am still bothered by it. I am afraid of T's ex girlfriend coming back into the picture, as she has done once before.

 

So Kate, I hate that I couldn't really be any help, just thought maybe I would let you know that you aren't the only one with problems like these. I do know, however, that insecurities in either person can make a relationship hell. Despite what you said towards the end of your post, I think it might do you some good to contact one of your doctors you spoke to before. I would say this because you have had problems with BM, and so many things can be a trigger to past behaviors. Good luck! Think beautiful thoughts...

[Arabess]

Vinea,

Why do you feel you have to compete with ANY female he's known in his past? YOU are the one he has chosen to be with now....so regardless of what you think of yourself as you compare yourself with her physically.....OBVIOUSLY it isn't the way HE feels! If he thought she was all that....he'd still be with her instead of you.

 

Don't squander a good relationship with this guy by dwelling on what happened before you came along. Who he slept with and who he had relationships with in the past.....is now irrelevant! I wouldn't even bring it up or discuss it with him.....and I certainly wouldn't spend my time worrying myself sick over it. It just doesn't matter!!!

 

ALL women are jealous....that's what we do! HAHA! It's our responsibility to keep it in check though....and not drive some great guy nuts over it.

 

I'm sorry both you and Angel have had to face eating disorders. That must be very hard to deal with emotionally. If you feel you are backsliding in this area......contact your doctor immediately. NOTHING is worth losing your health over.

 

Arabess

[Venéa]

Thanks to the two of you, I'm grateful just for someone to read my big rant and have the time to reply. Arabess, I konow you are right. There's nothing I can do to change the past so there's no point dwelling on it. Yeah, he says he isn't even attracted to her anymore, and that his feelings for her are gone. That's sometimes hard to believe (long story - quite irrevalant here) but you're right, he chose me and loves me for ME. I just sometimes wish I could love me for me, you know?

 

DA - you have NO idea how much your post helped. Just to know that there's other people like me in a simalar situation, it helps. I have great friends, amazingly beautiful people who I'm lucky to have, but they've never experienced an eating disorder like I have, and they don't have to deal with the esteem problems day after day. It's refreshing to hear a story of another former woman with an eating disorder who's behaving so strongly. And yes, I understand completely about the 'ugly' thing - in some arguments that has definitely bothered me aswell. I think, due to my lack of self esteem, I'm worried of losing the one thing that has been keeping me together. He's everything to me, I can't put into words how much I love him.

 

You're both right, I should stop thinking about the past and think beautiful thoughts...I'll definitely try. Thanks again.

[JustBeinBlonde]

Vinea,

 

Since your boyfriend does have such an extensive sexual history your main concern should be if he practiced safe sex. You mentioned that he got his ex girlfriend pregnant so he obviously didn't all the time. Has he been tested for STD's or had a blood test, have him tested for every possible virus/strain out there.

 

He sounds sincere in his intentions towards you, remember:

 

"A man is what he is, not what he used to be." -Yiddish Proverb

 

Even so you need to make sure he's squeaky clean and practice safe sex yourself. (yes I'm a mom, always concerned about germs ect.)

 

Think happy thoughts and you can fly, just beleive

[Thinkalot]

I just want to wish you the best of luck. I have suffered jealousy, insecurity etc, and it has put great strain on my relationship. Try and focus on the present and what you have. Read books if you need to, or speak to a counsellor to help you keep things in perspective. I can understand what you are feeling, but please, don't let it get the better of you.

[raine]

I have been there and still am. I was jealous over my ex bf's past but there were extenuating cicumstances to cause that, or so I thought. I am in another relationship and same problem still exists. This one is over his 1st that he still thinks very highly of and they remained friends for years after they broke up (they were together I think 1-2 years) but he hasnt' talked to her since we have officially been dating (that I know of anyway and I believe him when he says he hasn't) but also he has had a threesome which drives me crazy to think about! He has lived every man's fantasy how can I ever top that? I feel like every time the subject comes up on TV or where ever he thinks about it and how great it was. He is very attractive and people tell him so all the time. Most of my problem is me not feeling like I'm good enough or pretty enough for him. I feel your pain on the jealousy and have seeked counseling but it came to a hault when her father had emergency surgery and I never heard back from her again. I guess I should seek counseling elsehwere huh? I can't even imagine what it is like to go through an eatign disorder so I won't even try.

 

Good luck to all of us!

[Charley]

hi kate,

well i just wanted to say i know exactly what you are going through, except i was there when my b/f was practising his slutty past. i was even present when a 'friend' offered him head, and actually saw him going off with her to do the disgusting. now i am with him, i cant go a day without thinking of one of his 'conquests', it is even upsetting to me to think of the girls he has kissed, or even just gone out with! When i write it, it may sound extreme but it hurts so much. i think the worst thing is he says he loves me so much now, how he thinks i am the most beautiful girl in the world, etc, and my constant thought is, well, why didnt you realise that in the past 2 years i knew you that you didnt even acknowledge me?!

 

so, i agree. i think it has made me hate men a bit too. you know, like if i see an article about a man cheating on a woman or somethin, I'm like, Ugh typical men!!

 

am i really screwed??

 

good luck

 

oh an i bet your way prettier than that wannabe anyway! she's So only with his friend to get to him... so my advice is just be really happy with him, make her a hell of a lot jealous and then you'll see he way prefers you.

[darling]

Kate,

First and foremost, jealousy is a main ingredient that terminates any relationship. Whatever happened in his past, is in his past. Those girls that you despise so much are what helped make him the guy that you love so much. Their trials and tribulations taught him better and avoided you from experiencing them. You should be thankful to them.

 

As for feelings for them... he probably does care about them. Everyone always has feelings for people they devoted time, energy, feelings and thought into. That is a good thing, though. That means that you will always matter to him and you can always rely on him if you ever break up. That doesn't mean he will leave you to be with them. If he wanted to be with them so much, he wouldn't be with you, right?

 

Moreover, he must have a very high opinion of you if he dropped all his wild ways and decided to be a committed man, despite the nagging of his friends. You should be appreciative of that, rather than nag him about your own insecurities. Trust me, your insecurities could cause your relationship to die, not these other girls. Your main order of business is: BEGIN TO REALIZE THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT AND IRREPLACEABLE!!!! Stop doubting yourself.

 

Believe in yourself so everyone else can believe in you!!!

 

~darling