Why do married people tell affair person its love?

[PhoenixRise]

lfmm

 

You seem to be a different kind of OW than many of the others who post here.

 

Your MM was separated when you started a relationship with him and you seem to be willing to acknowledge that the wife is a real person, with real feelings not not just some non entity who acts as a barrier to "true love"

 

You are going to figure out what to do about your formerly MM and his upcoming visit because you seem willing to own your decisions and learn from your mistakes.

 

Good luck.

[hopeless4u]

lfmm

 

You seem to be a different kind of OW than many of the others who post here.

 

Your MM was separated when you started a relationship with him and you seem to be willing to acknowledge that the wife is a real person, with real feelings not not just some non entity who acts as a barrier to "true love"

You are going to figure out what to do about your formerly MM and his upcoming visit because you seem willing to own your decisions and learn from your mistakes.

 

Good luck.

 

I think a lot of OW are willing to acknowledge the W and her feelings, I know I do. I certainly don't see her as a barrier to 'true love' but as someone who has unknowingly been included in an awful situation.

[Spark1111]

Hopeless4u....the issues so many of us(BSs) feel is we are part of a triangle we know nothing about....

 

We weren't included in ANYTHING. The right to separate, seek counseling, re-commit to marriage, or walk away and date others.

 

Worse than the pain of discovering that two people developed real (or not) feelings for each other....is that two people did not tell us they were sneaking behind our back to be intimate with each other.

 

It would be like discovering your MM has another OW, who fills another need for him, that you know nothing about.

 

It kind of makes your reality spin out of control.

[turnstone]

It kind of makes your reality spin out of control.

For sure.

 

The question, actually one of the questions, I'm struggling with at the moment is why did he ever tell me he loved me, never mind the OW.

[Snowflower]

Hi, you may be right but in my case, I felt sorry for the wife, big time. She seemed like a good person and he did not trash her, they had marriage issues, they split (when i met him) got back...etc. He said she cheated thats why they separated. I never ever had any reason not to like her, nor did i necessarily believe him..it seemed like the case of two people living like roomates, and just growing apart. The reason i kept ending this time and time again was exactly because i thought it was horrible to do to his wife. i did not once feel sorry for him, but always for her, for being lied to, he lied to us both, so he looked foolish not her.

 

When they were separated for the second time, i felt horrid for her, she was "by his account" miserable and dying to get back. I actually sided with her and tried to get him and her to seek counseling...and/or get on forums/support groups. My heart broke/breaks for her (tho i dont know her at all)....my stomach turns and aches for him, they are divorced and i trust him/respect him LESS now, believe me.

 

Hope this was not threadjack..i never know the boundaries..just want to point out that some OW care deeply abt the effects/lies to the spouse and abt the spouse. I would probably side with her if we ever met

 

have a good day

lfmm

 

LFMM, I don't think it's a threadjack...you're on topic!

 

Thanks so much for sharing what you did here. It helps me as a fBW. I'm far along in my recovery and healing (it's one year since d-day, my H confessed his A to me).

 

Was your xMM separated when you two started your relationship? I guess I'm a little different than a lot of posters/spouses in that I think if you are separated and both spouses understand that 'meeting others' or divorce is a possibility, then it is not cheating. I know not everyone agrees with this, but it's my opinion.

 

I'm just a little more relaxed about that type of thing--I was never one of those spouses either who got all upset about my husband's relationships and experiences prior to meeting me. I know some people get very upset about their spouses' prior lives, sexual experiences, etc. I have a friend who is like this, but not me, --maybe this attitude helped me slightly with dealing with his infidelity. But I digress...

 

My H has told me many times that he didn't trash me to his OW--I'm not a 100% sure of course, I only have his word, but I am inclined to believe him for various reasons. So, it is refreshing to hear that this was the case in your experience, as well. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about what you thought of their marriage and his wife. It's a refreshing viewpoint for me to hear from a fOW.

 

I have slowly come to terms with my husband's 'justification' for getting involved in an affair. It has taken me a year to do this; to reach the best understanding of it that I will probably ever have. It's a long story but in the end it really had more to do with his feelings about himself and his life than anything with me. I'm glad he didn't make certain mistakes that would have made it impossible for me to allow him to reconcile with me.

 

Anyway lfmm, thanks again for sharing what you wrote here. If I can ever help you, please let me know.