Abandoment issues and marriage

[randah122]

I left my husband about a week ago and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I love him very much but I feel as though this would be the only step I could take to make him realize changes needed to be made. I have made numerous attempts to wake him up but nothing has seemed to work, except possibly this. Back story, I'll try to keep it short. My husband was abandoned by his mother when he was two years old and he remembers the traumatic events that took place during her leaving and has never gotten over them. He reunited with her when he was 18, now he is 27. He resents his father, who raised him, because he had a bad childhood and never felt like he belonged. Then shortly before we met, he and his first wife decided to divorce. He later found out his son, 4, was not his. He never dealt with these issues, just slept for two days and moved on as though nothing happened. He has financial issues that would knock your socks off and doesn't deal with those either. We have a two year old child to think about and it seems like no matter what its all about him. I've tried so hard not to ever hurt him but I could no longer deal with it because of the environment our son was being introduced to. For fear of his financial woes creeping up again, I left. We have decided to work things out and live separate, in different states. I want my husband to seek professional help and sometimes he will agree. I don't know what to do any longer. I'm scared, I feel so alone and I just want things to work out. He is so hot and cold with me though. One day everything is fine, the next he "just doesn't know anymore." I don't know how to handle him when these flips happen. I truly love him but its breaking my soul. He was the first adult relationship I've ever been in and I'm not ready for things to be over. I want to be with him I just want some un-bias advice because friends, family and parents don't always seem to understand my plight. He has always been so nonchalant about our relationship, in that it seemed like he didn't care if I stayed or went. He has even told me to leave before but when I finally take his advice I'm chastised for my decision. I feel so alone in the world right now, no one has any sort of advice to offer me. And the advice I get makes me so frustrated and stressed that I don't even want to talk to those people about it any longer. If there is any insight that could be provided or words of wisdom it would mean the world.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, I have insight, but it may not be what you want to hear.

 

He won't change.

Never.

Not until the day he looks in the mirror, and decides - definitively - that he has absolutely GOT to change, for his own good.

 

Not yours.

Not your child's.

His own.

Until that day, you will never gain the satisfaction of knowing he's pulling to save it all.

Because he won't.

He doesn't want to.

It's too daunting, too much effort and easier to do it this way.

More painful, more distressing, less productive, more destructive.

But easier.

Nobody - but nobody - can effect a change in him - but him.

And you have to accept this.

you can't convince him, or coerce him, or threaten him, or hold things over his head.

 

Your only decision - the only one you need to make - is stay, or go?

Stay, and nothing changes.

Go, and it might.

But it might not.

 

This is your decision.

Your life, and what happens in it, and how you bring your son up, are up to you.

You can't affect him, not one bit.

you've tried, and you see, it's failed.

So the only thing you have to decide now, is to whether to keep playing into it.

Or not.

 

Choose.

[Ronni_W]

randah,

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

To me, leaving him at this point sounds like self-preservation. Nothing will change for your husband if nothing changes around him.

 

He is 27 years old, and has the self-obligation and responsibility to work through his family-of-origin issues. You and he have been excusing his behaviour and how he is doing his life on the basis of what happened to him earlier in his life, when he had no control over events. But those days are LONG gone. He has had control over his own experiences for more than a decade. He is accountable, and you ought to hold him accountable, as a self-determining adult.

 

I believe that you can help your husband, but not as you have been trying to do it. For your part, you need to stop making excuses for him; stop trying to control his feelings by "not wanting to hurt him" -- he needs to feel what he needs to feel, and experience what he needs to experience. Those will be his wake-up calls.

 

I would suggest that you consider getting counseling for yourself, to help you deal with your own pain and disappointment, and also to learn how to better support your husband than just making excuses/blaming his childhood.

 

It's difficult, I know.

Sending hugs, and wishes for positive outcomes...individually and as a couple.

Edited November 14, 2009 by Ronni_W