happybutconfused Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Hi, Let me just put the facts straight - I'm 26 he's 23 , we both belong to countries which have are political 'enemies', we both belong to a semi conservative society where inter religion marriages are still seen as unacceptable up and we belong to different faiths which are as different as chalk and cheese.Yet we ended up meeting over a yr and a half ago at grad school ( we r classmates) and became the best of friends.However, once when i had a bit too much to drink, we kind of made out half of which i didnt even reemeber the next morning. I dont know how it happened but it just did - since then it has happened 3 -4 times that whenever we both had a bit too much to drink we would end up making out yet the next morning we would both act as if nothing had happened. However 2 months back, during an emotionally traumatizing moment we somehow got started but we both put a stop to it saying it was wrong and that we should not let it happen because nothing can happen. Since tehn we gave each other space and decided to act as if that never happened. However, 2 days ago we and some friends of ours went for a movie and we both were seated side by side and our hands were on the same armrest. What happened was that his knuckeles by mistake rubbed against my arm once or twice because of that, and the next thing i know his knuckles are rubbing my arm again and again( albiet very slightly) and he tried getting his hand up my sleeve- i removed his hand so he caught hold of my hand and held it till the lights came on ( none of our friends no about this so all that happens is not in front of them). Oncethe movie ended i dunno y but again we started behaving as if nothing had happened. Now my confusion is - what is going on? are we back to being best friends( we still talk the same amount) like i thought we were and had moved on beyond those moments of weakness? Sometimes he's VERY attentive and stays in constant touch throughout the day and sometimes he's slightly reserved? Why did he do what he did 2 days ago? Also we have kind of a gettogether of friends coming up where i know we'll end up in close proximty. Normally in the past whenevr anything has happened between us it has been at such gatherings under the covers when the fooling around has started - so what should i do?Nothing is possible between us because of differnces in religions and nationalities - he know sthat and i know it but why does this keep on happening again and again.Does he like me despite knowing nothing is possible? Im CONFUSED. HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Wow you guys have it rough. is there a way to move outta there? obtain a visa? go somewhere else. like america. I mean it sounds like you have a firm grip on the situation. If I was in an oppressive religious country I would want to leave too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happybutconfused Posted November 15, 2009 Author Share Posted November 15, 2009 hi, i think you've gotten me wrong here. its not about living in a religiously oppressive country - its more about it not being acceptable by my family and his family since we belong to a very traditional setup. Currently we are in uk studying together. And my main concern is i dont even know if he loves me in the way of taking such a strong step - im not even sure about his feelings and i dont know what to make out of his actions whether he likes me or not. so wat do i do? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Sometimes self-control fails. He's attracted to you. Up to you what you want to do about that. I don't understand your culture sufficiently to offer cogent advice. What would you do if he kissed you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author happybutconfused Posted November 15, 2009 Author Share Posted November 15, 2009 hi, Well i guess i wasnt pretty clear abt it. Im a muslim hes a hindu.And its not like we havent kissed - we've done some heavy duty making out but it has always been when we have been under the influence of alcohol. Me being a muslim i dont drink and the only three times in my life that i have done so it has resulted us in going up to third base - almost everything short of having sex. Given our cultural setup thats huge, and the thing is i dont know how he feels or what hes thinking because whenever this happens he as well as i act as if last night what happened we dont remember one bit. However i dont feel he's using me - when ive been ill he's come to see me even if i have called him at 4am and stayed up the whole night for me, he's the most chivilrious person ive met and he's very caring. But i dont know wat to expect from him - and then sometimes like i said earlier he tries to ignore me for a few hours and then he acts as if he wasnt and he was just busy which i know he always isnt. So wat do i do about this - it would make things very awkward if i talk this out with him i guess? Link to post Share on other sites
Author happybutconfused Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 One more thing - its been bothering me quite some time but i had to say it out - do u think that has at any level my friend used me as a friend with benefits? I understand the only reason y he only tries to be cuddly, sit close to me , try to hold my hand when people are not looking could be due to the fact that its unimaginable for an indian hindu to be linked up with a pakistani muslim and he doesnt want any of our friends to know - but is it also possible that i am getting used here? I would like to believe that i am not but i just wanted to get someone elses opinion on it. Secondly, why is it that everytime we are sitting close to each other there's this physical spark which is very hard to explain - no matter how hard he tries he does involuntarily end up rubbing my arm or smelling my hair( ive noticed this a couple of times) and i no matter how hard i try somehow dont stop him from doing so. where r we headed? do u think we can stay best friends without dealing with this? i could do with a lot of help from u ppl . Link to post Share on other sites
miss_sapphire Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Sometimes self-control fails. He's attracted to you. Up to you what you want to do about that. I don't understand your culture sufficiently to offer cogent advice. What would you do if he kissed you? This. Honestly from your posts I don't get the impression that he's using you. But I do think the two of you need to have a chat about where this is heading. What do you both want out of this? If you want to be just friends, then my personal opinion is that you need to spend less time with each other. At the moment it sounds like you're very emotionally invested with each other, and if you can't be together at the end of the day, both of you are going to get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Yep, been there done that and processed the hurt. Not healthy. Knowing another soul may be out there hurting is not comforting in the least. Better to leave it alone or go 100%, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happybutconfused Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Hi, I totallly agree with teh fact that we have heavily invested ourselves emotionally in this friendship/relationship. However, its just not possible for us to be 'normal/average' level friends - we're SOOOOOOOOOOO close to one another that it'll be unnatural for us to not be that way - we did try giving each other space for 2-3 months but then it really didnt work and we ended up just where we had started from. The physical contact i know can be put an end too if we try really hard but we are so emotionally dependent on one another that severing ourselves off emotionally from each other does not seem like a workable solution from now. What do u suggest we do? how should i go about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Charm13 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 My advice would be just to talk with him about it. From what you said about acting like things never happened, if the talk doesn't give you the answers you are wanting (that there actually is something there) then go on pretending like the conversation didn't happen. However, if the case is that he isn't interested, then I would quit with the drinking and running of the bases. Sounds like he is interested in you, but just isn't sure how to let you know. Bring it up in a casual way and see what you get. You never know unless you try, and what's the worst that could happen? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
miss_sapphire Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Hi, we did try giving each other space for 2-3 months but then it really didnt work and we ended up just where we had started from. The physical contact i know can be put an end too if we try really hard but we are so emotionally dependent on one another that severing ourselves off emotionally from each other does not seem like a workable solution from now. It's not healthy to be emotionally DEPENDENT on another person. Ask yourself: if you both marry someone else, can you keep your friendship at a platonic level? Can you give your spouses the attention they deserve despite your close friendship with each other? Or is it a disaster waiting to happen? Have the talk with him and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happybutconfused Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 i agree that it's not an ideal situation that i am in - its not right to be emotionally dependent on someone. However, what i think is the case is that we both like each other but we r in denial - its like us settling for 50% since we know given our backgrounds its not possible to get a 100%. what i want help in is that how do i get out of this rut. Given our situation do u really see there being any possiblity of it working out between the two of us?and by working out i mean long term - neither of us want to get into a relationship until we're convinced its going to work out long term for us. After quite some time we are going to get alone one on one time tomorrow night - how should i broach the topic? i cant ask him directly if he's interested in me that way - i know he is in all due probabilty but in our culture its always the guy who makes teh first move. HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
Author happybutconfused Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 And yeah to further clarify things - as to why i think he likes me - He always sits next to me in veery movie, the bus, in class. He sleeps with his head on my shoulder if he has to. He stays up at night talking to me when im upset even if he has an important class the next day. He walks me home every day even though he lives on the opposite side. He hugs me a lot when he genrally isnt a very huggy person. Ive caught him smelling me hair quite a number of times. He texts me 15 times on average a day - including agoodnight and good morning msg. He holds my hand whenever we're watching a movie. When im ill he's been up the whole night on a chair just looking aftre me. and the list just goes on. do u think im reading in between lines - does he treat me like a bets friend or there is definitely something more to it like i would believe? Link to post Share on other sites
Charm13 Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 He always sits next to me in veery movie, the bus, in class. He sleeps with his head on my shoulder if he has to. He stays up at night talking to me when im upset even if he has an important class the next day. He walks me home every day even though he lives on the opposite side. He hugs me a lot when he genrally isnt a very huggy person. Ive caught him smelling me hair quite a number of times. He texts me 15 times on average a day - including agoodnight and good morning msg. He holds my hand whenever we're watching a movie. When im ill he's been up the whole night on a chair just looking aftre me. and the list just goes on. He likes you. Link to post Share on other sites
CeeL Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 If only your countries could have this kind of relationship! (I mean that kindly, please!) Of course he likes you, as you do him, well beyond your enforced platonic public friendship -- you're not misreading that. Physical attraction is part and parcel of that kind of affection, especially when you're young and not otherwise attached -- so it's not surprising that it keeps overtaking you two in your 'weaker' moments. His more distant and uncommunicative periods are surely when he too is trying to step back, because he knows the situation is difficult -- or even impossible. We westerners like to think that true love will out, but of course it's not that simple even in the absence of your cultural, national and religious differences. Sooner or later, I presume, your families are going to decide you need to be married, and surely to someone from within the fold. So the folks above, telling you to talk about it with him openly, are right. You've acknowledged to yourself, I think, that, that there something there beyond friendship -- whether he will do so, too, remains to be seen. You know you both have to either make an enormous, permanent, life-changing leap to pursue this, or you need to end it before you make yourselves very, very unhappy. Perhaps the end of your studies, and going your separate ways in life, will come soon enough to manage the latter course for you -- perhaps not. I suspect you've got enough butterflies in your heart right now that letting it just run its course will be very difficult, though. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Jordanjames Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 OP I think you definitely need to have a chat with this young Hindu man. I hope you are able to summon the courage to have "the talk" about where you guys are heading. You have a right to know. My question to you OP is do you love this guy? Be honest with yourself do you just want to be his friend or do you want more? I can say from my personal experience I got involved with a Hindu/Sikh man and we had a brief relationship. Unlike your situation I actually had sex multiple times with the Hindu/Sikh man kissed, touched all that stuff. However, he wanted his "cake and eat it too". I just hope your Hindu man is not like this. In my situation I just could not be this guy's "friend" it was too hard on me emotionally. The best thing for you to do is talk to this man if you don't want to be just his pal cut loose. Find someone that truly does love you and is willing to go there for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happybutconfused Posted November 23, 2009 Author Share Posted November 23, 2009 Thank you everyone for your responses. Firstly i'd like to say one thing abt this hindu man of mine - he's not playing me around. I have yet to come across such a nice human being in my life - ive probably never had someone who cares so much for me apart from my immediate family. After listening to you people i did decide to have teh talk with him - but before that we had a get together at a friends place and as usual we ended up seated next to each other,and we strated fooling around under the blanket and as soon as we were left alone in the room for 5 mins we were at it gaain - thats when we decided to stop go out for a wlak and have a talk. He told me that this is the first time he's kisssed agirl and gone beyond - and that he did love me a lot as he knew i did. So we have decided that we have two options - either we forget all this ever happened and go back to being friends since we both know its not morally right in our religion and cultures to engage in wat we are at the moment. Option two is that we accept that wat we have is something that we might never get later in our life - and that we shouldnot let it go. In that case one of us has to convert and we would have to move out of india pakistan to a third neurtal country - the u.s. or u.k. We both love each other but we want to do things the right way. So now he's going to talk to his parents about converting because if i support him he is willing to convert to my religion. Thats the latest on my front as of now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happybutconfused Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 Ok people i need advice. A LOT has happened since i last posted - my friends parents are not really quite ok with him converting or so it turns out - and they have an issue with us being indians and pakistanis as well. So he is owrking on that as of now. We atleast have establishe done rule that until this is sorted out nothing physical is ggooiing to take place between us- either we take the proper route where we dont have to hid eit from people or we dont go for it at all. Now the problem that arises is that his partment lease is ending 2 months before mine is and he suggested that he will move in with us. I share a flat with 2 other people who r very close friends of his as well and who dont know about our situation at all so they have agreed to let him stay. Do u think things can get wierd with him staying under the same roof as me for 2 months?because now that we have established that we do love each other but we cant do anything abt it till long term plans r sorted out do u think we'll be bale to live together as just friends? what do i do about this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
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