archangel753a Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Hello everyone and think you for viewing my post/problem. My name is Chris and my girlfriend and i have a problem. There are so many things going on that i'm not sure where to start but here goes... Last week my girlfriend was raped/sexually assaulted by one of her firend's friends. This happened on a Tuesday and she didn't tell me until Saturday night (she goes to a university out of town) when i was taking her back to her dorm. I felt like something was off since the moment i saw her that weekend; different things like really anxious to have sex, actually getting violent with me (hit and slapped me for no apparent reason), and generally being explosive about little insignificant things. In short i could tell something was up Well, after about 30 minutes on the road talking i finally get it out of her, pull the car into a gas station and call my brother to try and calm me down. The rest of our time together was basically awful, she was timid and didn't want to be around me and i was dealing with emotion in a bad way. Her parents came down and we put on a nice little show of being perfect for them but after they left we went back to being miserable. Aside from general problems in our relationship i keep having these overwhelming feelings about her. First and foremost i can't trust her story anymore. She has changed so many details and none of it makes a lot of sense. I'm not saying it didn't happen but i am saying that it didn't happen like she said. I just don't know how to trust her any more. I am always there for her and i always do the right thing by her and then something like this happens. Please, if anyone can offer advice i am in need of it now more than ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Regardless of how it happened, it happened. Women don't make up rape stories since it is such a horrific experience there's absolutely nothing to be gained in doing so. Guilt is often accompanies such assaults and your girlfriend may either not remember the details clearly or especially if alcohol or drugs was involved, feel incredibly guilty as to the events that lead up to the rape and be unable (or unwilling) to present the facts clearly at the moment. Whatever the case, she needs help and support, probably more than you, being personally involved can provide. You mentioned that this is pretty recent and from your post I can't see what measures your girlfriend has taken to help her cope with what's happened to her or even report the crime. I would strongly recommend that you encourage her to do both - maybe through the police, a local rape center or her university. She may not be ready to do that right now but your encouragement will help her to see you have confidence in her and provide her with an alternative source of support. I suspect if you were both putting on a 'good show' for her parents she hasn't told them either. I'm not saying you should pressure her to do so, some people take years before they can face up to that if ever, but I'm highlighting that you both are delusional if you think something like this will not deeply affect your relationship. As for your personal feelings of distrust, while I sympathize, I think you have to shift the focus from how it happened to what you can both do to move on with your lives. Maybe she's just not ready to tell you truthfully exactly what happened right now, but as hard as that is for you, remember if she feels you withdraw your love and support, it's possible she never will. R. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 Women don't make up rape stories On the contrary, women DO make up rape stories! Just view the following links: http://www.oakridger.com/stories/012898/new_pbriefs.html http://cscweb.eticomm.net/Horror_Stories.html http://www.womenshealthtoday.com/sassault.asp http://www.bohol-island.com/boholchronicle/6-29-03/main2.htm How about you tell us more about this girl's history? Does she have any reason to make something like this up? Link to post Share on other sites
cdn Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 First and foremost i can't trust her story anymore. She has changed so many details and none of it makes a lot of sense. I'm not saying it didn't happen but i am saying that it didn't happen like she said. Without knowing the details, it's hard to know how to respond. Not necessarily for publication here, but for you to think about: Why do you suspect that it didn't happen the way she said? Is it possible that the changes to her "story" reflect her feelings of guilt, which are quite common when a woman has been sexually assualted? Or do you have *reason* (not emotion or suspicion) to believe that she is hiding something from you? Is it possible that at some level you believe that when a woman is assaulted she somehow deserves it or didn't do enough to fight back? Many women are too terrified or shocked to fight back, or they may have been intimidated by their atacker with either physical or emotional threats. Did your gf know the man who attacked her and start off willingly spending time with him? This, too, is a common way for "date rape" to occur and doesn't mean that your gf was in any way a willing participant. Finally, what are the other problems in your relationship that you allude to and how might they be coloring what happened? I hope you will be able to help your gf through this experience. She really needs your love and support at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 On the contrary, women DO make up rape stories! Oh crap. Here we go again. How to assist the victim Don't Criticize Don't criticize a survivor of abuse for being where they were at the time, for not resisting more or screaming, for not talking about it earlier…or for anything else. Anybody, anywhere, can be a victim of abuse, regardless of age, gender, looks, dress and so on. Regardless of circumstances "no" means "no," and nobody deserves to be raped. Myths about women "asking for it" or men being "unable to help themselves" create a burden of guilt on the survivor in the first place, and they may already feel partly responsible. Any criticism of their handling of the situation, either during the attack or afterwards, simply adds to that guilt, and it is important that the blame is placed firmly where it belongs - with the person who committed the assault. Do Understand Listen and try to understand why they were unable to prevent it from happening. They may have been frozen by fear, or have been unsuspecting and trusting, or they may have been threatened or physically attacked and may have realistically feared worse would happen if they resisted. You wouldn't expect somebody who has been mugged to have been able to prevent it. You won't be able to magically make everything better straight away, but by showing them that you believe them, that you don't blame them, and that you want to help them regain control of their life, by listening, respecting their feelings and views and showing you care, you can make a great difference and help them begin to heal again For the rest, please see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=129977#post129977 People also make up stories about insurance fraud, theft, and every other crime that you can think of. HOWEVER just because SOME people make stories up SOMETIMES does not mean that EVERY woman does. Just as every man does not make false insurance claims. sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Geoff Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 Your girlfriend is most likely suffering from post traumatic stress/trauma, which is very common in these situations. She will most likely display the following: -hypervigilance (staying alert, constantly looking for danger) -nightmares -jumpy when touched unexpectedly -panicky -depressed -guilt/shame/anger -"dirty" feeling -loss of concentration emotinonally numb or shutdown' -not trusting anyone, and becoming withdrawn or isolated from others because it feels safer to be alone -deeling of self-hate/low self esteem ' -fearing people and relationships She needs to go to a woman centered organization to assist her with the reporting process, and receive counselling, as well as support through the court process. Many rape crisis centers offer up to 2 hrs of free legal advice. Your girlfriend will most likely be revictimized by the legal system, it is therefore imperative that she receive support, as the counsellors are trained professionals, who know exaclty what she is and will go through, and will be sensitive to her emotional and legal needs. Many of the counsellors hired for these positions have experienced sexual assault themselves. The rape crisis centre will know where your girlfriend can go to receive medical treatment. Her body is evidence, someplaces will store the evidence for up to 6 months, this will give her time to decide if she wants to press charges, and should she decide to, the evidence is not lost. Again the rape crisis centre will have this information. The centre can also referr her to medical facilities that will gather the evidence in a sensitive manner, as well as have a support person accompany her to this. It is so important that your girlfriend receive the support she needs. Most women are rapred/sexually assaulted by people they know, that's why this crime is so underreported. The courts do not consider her a person, the crime has been committed against the country and therefore she is her only witness, (if she does't have any), and will therefore try ro discredit her in anyway. She needs to get this information from a trained professional,so that she has someone working with her through the processs. Another reason that women do not report this sort of crime is because the victim is always blamed. Unfortunately there continues to be much ignorance regarding this matter. The victims continue to be asked questions from police, family, friends, boyfriends, that put an enormous reponsibility on the victim. Here are some examples: -what were you wearing -why didn't you leave when... -so you were inoxicated.... -why didn't you stop him from when... -why didn't you fight if you were afraid... -why didn't you scream.... Please refrain from asking her details. This is none of your business. You will revictimize her if you do this. She may not remember everything. She is traumatized. She is still trying to sort this out for herself, she doesn't need to answer to you. As for this "I'll never trust you" business, you are doing more damage to her than you'll ever know. Do not ask her for sex or blame her for what has happened. So not expect her to heal overnight. It will take her years, to recover. Rape/Sexual Assault is an act of violence/power/control. If you cannot accept that another man has forced himself on her, another man has violated her body and soul in one of the most degrading manners, if you continue to focus on her sexuality and "how could of she put herself in this position".. than do her a favor and leave her alone, because you will scar her for a lifetime. She doesn't need the pressure of answering to her boyfriend right now on why and how she could have let her self get raped. It is obvious that she has more important things to deal with, like becoming empowered to exercise her rights, healing her broken spirit, regaining her self worth, in addition to maintaining her physical health. The bastard could have gotten her prganant or gave her an STD. I'm sick of these articles about women crying rape out of spite. This happens so rarely. To advertise and sensationalize this stupidity, encourages re-victimization to people who are already feeling completely humiliated and ashamed. Survivors of this hideous crime need encouragement and support, so that people will no longer be frightened to tell their story, and end their silent suffering. It is not the victims "dirty secret " to keep, it is the agressors. jist my two cents, Geoff Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 Would it be a good idea to call the police and have them look into this? I'm being serious here as this would be the first thing I would have done, but I haven't seen that advice given yet. Are there reasons why you wouldn't do this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author archangel753a Posted December 12, 2003 Author Share Posted December 12, 2003 First off thank you to everyone who posted on this topic. Your advice has been helpful to both me and my girl. I have settled to let this be dealt with by the cops and instead focus my efforts on being there for her. She needs a good boyfriend and not some vigilante. Trust is something we will have to build back, but hopefully with time we can be better than we were before. Since my last post she has gone to her parents and the cops. Apparently this has happened to more people then just her and her roommate. It sickens me to think that something like this would happen but to happen to so many people is too much. I hope he is put away for life but that isn't the way the system works. That is my last statement about him (and i use the term loosely) and henceforth my efforts will be focused on being there for her. Again thank you all for your help and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted December 12, 2003 Share Posted December 12, 2003 Good luck bro, my thoughts are with you and your girl. Link to post Share on other sites
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