phunter Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Hi all. I have been lurking for a long time. My wife divorced me several months ago to "find herself". Now she is in contact and has implied she is havin financial problems. She has not outwardly asked for help, but it is within my means to help her out and I havent paid her the D settlement yet still have time and hadn't planned to rush. My question is this, I still want her back, if I were to bail her out while she needs it now, does that help me or should i let her fend for herself to truly experience life without me. It is my instinct to want to help her and would hope the gesture would increase my odds of reconciling. It is money she will receive eventualy anyways, but sounds like she could really use it now. Not trying to be manipulative, but do want to act to increase my odds. Any thoughts. Thanks....Paul Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Sorry, Paul, but yes you are totally being manipulative...not because you are in a position to "help" her and choosing not to, but because you are deliberately delaying taking care of YOUR legal obligation to pay her the divorce settlement. It's also manipulative to offer "help" primarily because one wants / hopes for something in return -- the fact that you know you're making decisions to "increase [your] odds" suggests that you already know that you've already been manipulative. I'm sorry about your divorce -- it sucks big time; it can be devastating. Hugs. Wishing you good healing, and brighter days ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author phunter Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 Sorry, Paul, but yes you are totally being manipulative...not because you are in a position to "help" her and choosing not to, but because you are deliberately delaying taking care of YOUR legal obligation to pay her the divorce settlement. It's also manipulative to offer "help" primarily because one wants / hopes for something in return -- the fact that you know you're making decisions to "increase [your] odds" suggests that you already know that you've already been manipulative. I'm sorry about your divorce -- it sucks big time; it can be devastating. Hugs. Wishing you good healing, and brighter days ahead. Thanks Ronni, but I'm not delaying it. The agreement gives me 2 years to pay. In order to help her now I would have t change my lifestyle and make sacrifices to do that. While I must agree that it is manipulative the way you describe, she chose this life for herself and now she seems unhappy with it. My first instinct is to help her, but I also don't want to support her decision and make it easier for her after she has hurt me. Thats my trouble....Paul Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Yeah, sorry. I misinterpreted what you meant by it being "in your means" to give her money now...didn't realize that meant a whole lifestyle change and making sacrifices. Stupid me, also, to have thought that you could give her what is currently "in your means" as partial payment against your legal obligation/debt. But I'm forgiving myself cos of my aforementioned misinterpretation. Apologies for my errors. Carry on exactly as you have been doing, in absolute strictest accordance with your separation/divorce agreement. You can't go wrong if you do it that way. Can you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author phunter Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 Ronni, I see what your saying and i'm a little ashamed to admit that your right. I'm able to live with a few nicites that she can't afford so i think I can do without them for awhile to help her out. I owe the money either way so why wouldn't I want to help regardless of whats in it for me. So I'm going to do give it to her as partial payment as you suggested. I would still like to hear if this gesture might help my own chance at a second chance, but i'm not basing my decision on that, she deserves it and i owe it to her she was a fabulous wife. Thanks Ronni....Paul Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) Paul, I do apologize for the sarcasm in my previous post. Believe me, though, it really was the best I had available at the time. Had I posted what came into my head first, I would have been banned for sure. Which I can't have, as I am addicted to this place My honest take is that doing what you can now, will not hurt any chances that you may have, however slim. I think NOT doing what you can has the potential to turn her off more than she already is. Full disclosure: My interpretation of your posts is that your marriage is over as far as your wife is concerned. But, IMHO, that this is the EXACT TIME that you want to do things in accordance with your own values and sense of fair play, instead of out of...well, the stuff that you're really feeling Your feelings are valid, of course. It is painful, it hurts, you want to strike back, to feel a bit of power and control. Of course. That is totally natural. But five years from now, if now you don't act in accordance with who you really want to be, then you're likely to not be able to look in the mirror. And her money worries will be long over. And you'll realize you haven't healed anything of significance. At least. That is how I did my divorce. I just tried to stay on the high road even when, especially when, I really wanted to just...well, you know. Nothing pleasant. I know how difficult it is. I'm sorry you're going through it. It's the 'suck' that feels like it will never stop sucking. Hugs. Edited November 19, 2009 by Ronni_W grammar Link to post Share on other sites
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