thisisrightnow Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) Sorry this is kind of long but I really would like some opinions. So I met this guy I've been seeing for a little bit on a dating site and it said he was looking for a long term relationship. He was the one that messaged me (or IM'ed me rather). The first day we talked for like 12 hours straight, about anything and everything. The next day we talked for about 8 hours. We both are into video games and he was saying how once he had his apartment cleaned, I should come over and play the Wii with him. I thought that sounded fun. He said he didn't want me to get the impression that he was gross so he had to clean it first. So the next day I went over there and we hung out, talked, played video games. We ended up kissing and I stayed the night there, since we had a little bit to drink when playing Wii bowling, but definitely wasn't drunk by any means. In the morning when I had kind of woke up he was giving me little kisses on my lips, cheeks, forehead. The next day he had invited me over again. I asked if he could pick me up. He said he had to find some clothes first. So he came and picked me up and we talked, played video games again. I ended up having sex with him that night. I do kinda regret it now cause I don't want this to turn into a FWB, since I do like him. But what's done is done. When we were having sex he was kissing me pretty much the whole time. It felt very intimate and passionate. so it made me feel like he really liked me. Afterwards we cuddled and fell asleep like that. He took me home Friday afternoon before he had to head to work. I didn't get to talk to him Friday night cause he works late late on the weekends. He im'ed me yesterday (or this morning rather) around 1:30am after he had gotten home from work. I was having computer issues so he was helping me find the right drivers for my computer. We were also just talking about other things as well. When I talk to him online or in person the conversations are never sexual. I would like to believe that this isn't turning into a FWB ordeal and it might be progressing towards a relationship. I am aware that I will know if I don't have sex with him again for a while, which I intend on not doing (not having sex). I am hoping to see him again before I go out of town on Wednesday. I'm going to tell him we should do something that doesn't involve sitting in his apartment and playing video games. I would like to believe he is genuinely interested in me. I mean, we do talk a lot. We talk about everything, but haven't really talked about where 'we' are going. He asks me questions about my life, I do the same. He finds reasons to be close to me, like if we're sitting on the couch playing video games, he'll move close to me or one time he sat on me. Or he'll hold eye contact with me for a while and just look at me a lot and smile at me. He definitely seems interested in trying to get me into some of the things he likes. I also thought it was a good sign that 95% of the time, he is the one initiating the contact whether it be to hang out or when he instant messages me. The way he acts around me and treats me seems more indicative of a boyfriend rather than a FWB. Then again, I've never had FWB, so I don't know how they normally act. It seems like the emotional aspect is there for him. Edited November 16, 2009 by thisisrightnow Link to post Share on other sites
jeepchick Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 It seems that you have already set a precedence by hanging out at his apartment so much when you first met. Setting some boundaries (not having sex with him again for a while) is probably a good idea. Has he ever taken you out to do anything? Start going on dates; if you both are so into video games, go to an arcade. Go to a movie, go to dinner, whatever, as long as it involves doing something other than hanging out at his place or yours. Because what you are doing right now sounds like FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisisrightnow Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 No, we haven't gone on an actual date yet. I was going to suggest we go bowling or something and maybe get some food. I didn't realize hanging out at his place would automatically set the stage for being FWB. I hung out with a guy at his place a lot, but we never had sex or anything. I also kind of got the impression that we weren't a FWB cause he actually takes the time to talk to me on an almost daily basis, and not only when he thinks he might see me. He im'ed me last night like right when he got online from being at work. I thought that was a good sign that he was thinking of me and wanting to talk to me. It seems like if he doesn't always get in touch with me, then I *might* need to worry that we are a FWB situation. I don't know. I'm just gonna take it day by day and hopefully try to get out of the FWB situation if that's what he is thinking this is. I also don't know why he would try for a FWB ordeal if he is on a dating site and it says he is looking for a long term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 If you don't want this to become a FWB situation, you need to make that clear right away. Many men--maybe even most men--prefer FWB to real relationships. In a FWB, they get sex with no strings--the ultimate win-win situation, as far as they are concerned. Given the choice, many men will go for that. Make sure he knows what YOU want. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I don't know what your guy is like, but this can hold true for SOME guys. Some guys will say that they want a R on a dating site, because that is what women typically want to hear; I personally wouldn't answer an ad for a FB. Some guys will IM or call when they get off work for a booty call; don't jump to answer and don't accept late night invites until you know him better and your R is better established. I think you're on the right track to sort of put the brakes on hanging out. it's pretty hard to stop sex once that horse has left the barn, but you can certainly stop the trend of never going on a date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisisrightnow Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 With the nature of his IM, I don't think he was after a booty call. We were just talking about various things. Our conversations are NEVER sexual, whether it's in person or over IM. I told him I was going to go to bed cause he seemed pre-occupied with whatever else. He goes, "you don't even want to know You might come over and break my computer". So I knew right then and there he was busy with playing World of Warcraft. He would always IM me, though. Didn't matter what time of day. Day, night, early morning. It wasn't unusual for us to be talking on AIM at 2 or 3 in the morning. He has a weird schedule usually not going to bed til 7am, and I would stay up talking to him cause I like talking to him. But yeah, I would definitely never go over to a guy's house at the late hours. I don't mind hanging out with him, but I want to know he will take me on dates and willing to be seen in public with me to see how serious he is about me. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 When FWB situations progress, this is what they are like. They become close and intimate, much like actual friends rather than just 'hooking up' occasionally. Every aspect of dating with the exception of actually dating. If you want to be his girlfriend and go on dates and not just be his 'hang out buddy' you need to be clear about it with him. Otherwise, he is going to assume that you are ok with things the way they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisisrightnow Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 Yeah, I am definitely going to let him know that I don't want to be a FWB. Though if I don't have sex with him again for a while, wouldn't that pretty much let him know that? I also don't know when the right time to bring it up is, or if there is even a right time. Should I wait til I see him in person? Tell him through AIM? I am thinking in person is the best bet. I guess he is coming over here tomorrow to install Linux on my computer for me. I wasn't really planning on seeing him hanging out at my place (I do live with my parents, btw). I told him I needed to re-install XP on my computer. He told me I should install Linux and that it was easy. I told him I tried before it and was hard, so I told him he should come and install it for me. I was kinda joking. Then I said I wasn't going to mess with it til I got back from NC and I was leaving Wednesday and not coming back til Sunday. He said he could do it before then and put a smiley face. I don't know if he is offering to do that to be nice and cause he likes me or if there is some other motive involved. Either way I am going to stand my ground and not sleep with him again for a while (hopefully once we're in a relationship). I think that would hopefully relay the message to him that I don't just want to be his **** buddy or FWB. Since don't FWB have sex every time they get together? Link to post Share on other sites
Narf Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 unfortunatly not always... If they like your personality too then it is possible to hang out and only have sex everynow and then and it is still a FWB situation... I would suggested having a talk with him about it, before your in to deep and struggling to get out! Link to post Share on other sites
CeeL Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 The situation sounds pretty hopeful to me, actually. Perhaps the guy is just a bit clueless about the difference between hanging out and dating -- it can happen. Your interest is pretty clear here, so you might put it to him this way: "You know, if you happened to ask me out on a real date, I'd definitely say yes." You've put any fears of his to rest there, made _your_ wishes known, but still left the ball squarely in his court. You'll have your go or no-go answer pretty quickly, I'd think. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 Please read this regarding another reader who wondered if she was in a FWB situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209107/ The biggest answer : You can't sleep with a guy and then wonder if you are in a relationship or suggest one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisisrightnow Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 The situation sounds pretty hopeful to me, actually. Perhaps the guy is just a bit clueless about the difference between hanging out and dating -- it can happen. Your interest is pretty clear here, so you might put it to him this way: "You know, if you happened to ask me out on a real date, I'd definitely say yes." You've put any fears of his to rest there, made _your_ wishes known, but still left the ball squarely in his court. You'll have your go or no-go answer pretty quickly, I'd think. I saw him before I left for my trip, cause he was trying to install Linux on my computer, but he had a bad headache so couldn't really think since its a bit more complicated to install it on a computer with no CD ROM drive that works. He told me that he could install it for me when I got back from my trip. I also told him that when I get back, we should go bowling. He said okay. I also agree.. some guys just don't know the difference between hanging out and dating. I also know some guys don't call it a "date" because to them it can put pressure on both parties and make there be expectations. So I guess hanging out just sounds more casual. Though we haven't really called it hanging out either. We've just called it seeing the other person haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisisrightnow Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 Just a little update on my situation.. We finally went out on a date last night, or what I perceived to be as a date, since he paid. It kind of came as a surprise to me. He im'ed me yesterday and was like, we should go to JK O'Donnels. It's an Irish Pub he had been telling me about that was pretty pricy for beer and what not, but the food wasn't too badly priced. Anyways, so we ended up going there. We sat in there talking and eating for a good hour and a half or so. I did address the sex issue. We were kissing and what not back at his place and I'm sure he wanted to have sex. I told him I didn't want to do it. One, being that I was on my period. Two, I felt like last time was too soon. He was like, yeah, it was. I was like, so you agree then? He said yeah, but he didn't plan on it happening. So then I told him I wanted to wait til we knew each other better and/or were in a relationship. He told me I worry too much. He said he wasn't dating anyone else or banging anyone else if that's what I am worried about. I told him no. So I guess it's good he at least respected the fact. He didn't try to push me into it. He mentioned something about going out somewhere again today, so we'll see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 Just a little update on my situation.. We finally went out on a date last night, or what I perceived to be as a date, since he paid. It kind of came as a surprise to me. He im'ed me yesterday and was like, we should go to JK O'Donnels. It's an Irish Pub he had been telling me about that was pretty pricy for beer and what not, but the food wasn't too badly priced. Anyways, so we ended up going there. We sat in there talking and eating for a good hour and a half or so. I did address the sex issue. We were kissing and what not back at his place and I'm sure he wanted to have sex. I told him I didn't want to do it. One, being that I was on my period. Two, I felt like last time was too soon. He was like, yeah, it was. I was like, so you agree then? He said yeah, but he didn't plan on it happening. So then I told him I wanted to wait til we knew each other better and/or were in a relationship. He told me I worry too much. He said he wasn't dating anyone else or banging anyone else if that's what I am worried about. I told him no. So I guess it's good he at least respected the fact. He didn't try to push me into it. He mentioned something about going out somewhere again today, so we'll see how that goes. Happy Thanksgiving I think for your guy friend that he doesn't really think as hard about all this...I think he likes you but good for you for setting boundarys for those who are clueless. I would keep with this. He is saying he is only interested in you . He did take you out. Sounds like he is trying. If he cares about you he won't want this to be considered a fling. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
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