Girlfriend refuses to go out anywhere with me

[DeeplyConfused]

I realize this is extremely long and no one will probably read it. But for those that do I sincerely appreciate it. I haven't talked to anyone about this ever so I kinda spilled everything out. I'm in need of some serious advice. I don't know what to do anymore with things between my girlfriend. So anyway here's my situation.

 

THE PROBLEM

 

I'm a 22 year old single father, I have my son (3 year old) every day except for two weekends out of the month when his mother takes him. My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, she is 20, and I love her very much. She has grown very close to my son, to the point where he even calls her mom.

 

The problem is my girlfriend goes out ALL of the time but refuses to do anything with me. I try not to let it bother me because she is young and just because I can't go out, doesn't mean she can't. What bothers me is on the weekends that I don't have my son, and I am free to do something, she absolutely refuses to go out with me to the bar or club or let me hang out with any of her friends. I've asked her many times to go out and when the weekend rolls around she always has some excuse or ends up going out with her friends and I sit at home.

 

BACKSTORY/LIES/BROKEN TRUST

 

When we first met I was a smoker. She didn't like it and asked me to quit. One day while I'm still trying to quit she asks me about it. I told her I hadn't smoked at all and had quit. Which was a lie, I fully admit. Reality was I had cut down to only 1 or 2 a day. One day she went through my desk at work (we worked together at the time) and found a pack of cigarettes. Foolishly I lied about it, but ended up admitting to it later. She held this against me for a YEAR and still does to an extent today. She asked me every day, almost every hour if I had smoked. She said lying was a big deal to her no matter what I had lied about and she may never trust me again. I accepted responsibility for my actions and for a year did everything to try and make it up to her.

 

During this time she was playing softball for a local college. Now there were about 7 girls on this team that were lesbians, and she started spending an ENORMOUS amount of time with them. She began ignoring me and I wouldn't speak to her for weeks at a time, she would be spending the night and going out with them everyday. I brought it up and of course she freaked out and was offended that I would even think that she was a lesbian. My gut feeling about it would not go away though. One day I had enough and I went to her house during my lunch break so we could talk, while we were talking she got up to go to the restroom and left her cell phone on the couch. I looked at her text messages and there were messages from a number with no name, she's pretty good about adding names to her phone so it set off a red flag. I asked her who it was and she started acting really wierd. I read the messages and it was talking about holding hands in public, and laying in the same bed together, and other stuff. It turned out to be a girl on the team. I got extremely upset and asked if they had done anything together. She became upset too and started crying and said she was just confused, didn't want me to leave her, they had never done anything..etc etc.

 

The next day her story COMPLETELY changed. It was suddenly nothing, no big deal. She wouldn't admit to anything she admited to the previous day. I asked her to call the girl in my presence and ask what their relationship was. She obliges and calls the girl, first thing she did was make the girl aware that I was listening! I knew immediately that the girl knew what to do in this situation, and of course the girl says they are just friends.

 

A little less than a year later she comes to my work and says we need to talk. She breaks down and admits she lied, she had kissed the girl, she had developed feelings for her at the time, and she told the girl to lie about it. She also dropped another bombshell that one night that we had argued she exchanged sexual text messages with a guy friend of hers and he even requested she send him a nude picture of her, which she claims she didn't do. I'm pissed because I had been through a year of hell because I lied about SMOKING. And after her touting how important trust and not lying was she had lied the whole time. She asked that we wipe the slate clean and start over, that she really wanted this to work. She wouldn't have anything to do with the girl or guy, would block them from the various social networks and delete their numbers. None of this I asked her to do, she volunteered it on her own.

 

Of course this never happened, she talked to both of them multiple times since. She went to a concert and told me she saw the guy and but just said hey. Surprise, a picture shows up on facebook of her and the guy hugging and him giving her a kiss. I ask her why she lied that she just said hey, but of course in her mind it wasn't lying.

 

THE STORY NOW/FAKE ID/GOING OUT

 

When we first started dating I wasn't 21 yet and she was going out to bars and clubs in our town using a fake ID. One night someone busted her out in a club and she was arrested, taken to jail, recieved probabtion/community service and the whole nine yards. After this she didn't go out for about a year. Then she started going to a college town about an hour from here frequently because she said could get into the bars with her fake ID without any issue. I disagreed with it but there was no stopping her.

 

So in this college town is the only time in our two year relationship that we actually went out to a real bar/club together. We ended up having a bad time in the beginning. Her friend didn't like me so she was ignoring her, and we went to a guys house that my girlfriend had hooked up with before me and I got to listen to his smart ass all night. Also, being it was my first time in that enviornment and not knowing a single person, I hung around her the majority of the night. I thought we were having a good time dancing in the club and all that, but months later she cited this night as a reason she doesn't invite me anywhere because I was too "clingly". This baffled me because there was no sign of this that night from her that she felt that way. I was never invited again to go out with her in the college town.

 

Now after this, I mentioned to her multiple times that we should go out somewhere local. She ripped into me and said no way, she was caught here before. She said that she could do it in the college town because lots of people do it there. I said OK that's fine.

 

Now about 3 months ago she starts going out to the local places again with her friends! I called her out, asking why it was such a problem when I asked to go out, but when its with her friends its no big deal. She couldn't answer me and said that we could go out now.

 

Since then we have not gone out a single time, her excuses ranging from:

 

Its just her friends.

Its just a girl thing, (even though they meet up with guys at the bar or go to guys houses for parties)

I don't know any of her friends or anyone shes going out with (because shes never introduced me!)

 

Now this is where I want to tell you that I don't really have any friends. It's a little different for a guy who has primary custody of a child, there aren't many other guys my age that are willing to hang out with you and your kid. Girls will hang out with other girls who have a kid. After I had my son my social life pretty much tanked.

 

So my girlfriend knows this, don't you think if she cared she would be inclined to try and help me get out and meet people instead of letting me sit at home?

 

Just recently she asked me to meet her at a local restuarant/bar. I was excited, she actually invited me to go somewhere that she never had before. I ask her who shes with, and turns out its the cousin of my sons mother and her ex fiance! I don't like these two guys at all, and want nothing to do with them. I have absolutely no clue why my girlfriend is even hanging out with them. They are attached to the past and part of my life that I want to forget about.

 

So now I'm in a dilemma, if I tell her i'm not coming, shes going to be a smartass and say "Don't say I never invite you out anymore because I did". If I go, I know for a fact something is going to happen and its just going to be a bad night anyway, and then again she'll be a smartass and say "This is why I never invite you out!". So I sucked it up and crossed my fingers that nothing would happen and all would go well.

 

After about an hour of sitting with these guys and having a few beers, for some reason still unknown to me, the cousin spouts off that he was there the night my son was conceived. Which A) wasn't true, and B) I had never done anything with a girl while he was around, and C) pissed off my girlfriend. I speak up and tell him thats not true and me and him get into it. All of a sudden my girlfriend starts laying into me saying I'm lying and that I told her before he was there. Which isn't true either! I'm speechless. I never told her that, because it never happened! At this point I'm so frustrated I just shut up and we leave. In the car we got into it pretty bad because shes being ridiculous and I'm sick of everyone saying I'm lying when they all have no idea what they're talking about. Surprise, surprise, she cites this as a reason why she never invites me out with her. I try to explain to her how it was a lose lose situation to begin with but of course she doesn't understand, and now she just gave herself a reason to not invite me anywhere.

 

DOGS

 

She told me earlier today that I was too clingy and I just wanted her to spend all of her time with me and for her to not have any friends. Which is complete bull**** considering I have barely seen her all week and she goes out with friends every weekend! I saw her on Tuesday because I bought her a puppy she wanted. I keep that puppy and another 6 month old puppy I bought at my house. But they are HER dogs. The 6 month old puppy was spayed last Thursday, and I was off Thursday and Friday so I stayed home and looked after her. Now due to how much my girlfriend talks about how much she loves this dog and how concerned she was about her, I thought she would be coming over to check on her, but instead she chose to go out Friday night and didn't see the dog until Saturday.

 

She's having a hard time in school apparently, and cited the dogs as a reason, saying she didn't realize how much time and responsibility it took to take care of them. I'm absolutely baffled by this statement as the dogs spend 99% of their time with me at my house! I take care of them and my son! I wanted to tell her maybe it was her constant going out all the time that was interfering with school. UGH.

 

SEX

 

In the beginning of our relationship our sex life was GREAT. I'm talking about every day, multiple times a day. In cars, in restrooms, everywhere and anywhere we could get some privacy. The past year it has completely died. I'd say we've had sex 3 times in the past 6 months if not longer. There is no passion in our relationship. She gives different reasons for her lack of sex drive every time we talk about it.

 

ALMOST DONE, SORRY

 

So now it feels like all our relationship consists of is me being a dog sitter and a meal ticket for when she wants to go out and eat. I'm completely convinced she doesn't love me and almost convinced i'm just being used. I don't know what to do anymore. Our relationship has turned into more work than fun. But even after all we've been through, I love this girl with all of my heart. I want things to work. I keep telling myself that shes young, shes putting up with the fact I have a son, and I need to cut her slack. I feel like I'm giving 110% and shes giving nothing. At this point shes not even attempting to act like shes trying. I'm so confused. I'm always the one trying to reconcile and she puts forth no effort. Is this relationship pretty much a failure with no hope?

 

If anyone actually took the time to read all of this I thank you, very much. Any thoughts or advice about what I should do would be greatly appreciated..

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, DC.

On this very day, there is an article at canoe.ca, titled "Five signs this one isn't 'the' one". You'll need to cut & paste cos we're not supposed to post live links: lifewise.canoe.ca/SingleEdition/2009/07/24/10252421.html

 

Even though you do love her with all your heart, this relationship stopped working a long time ago, yes? And it doesn't seem as if it has a solid foundation on which to grow stronger, either. It is NOT supposed to be like this. YOU deserve better.

 

Nothing. You are not getting one single positive, uplifting, supportive, growth-inspiring, fun, encouraging thing out of it. You are enduring and suffering through it. This is NOT how life and love are supposed to look and feel.

 

YOU deserve better.

 

You're making excuses for this child-woman -- you're excusing her bad behaviour and terrible attitude towards you by telling yourself it's her age or this or that. You're allowing her to act like a child, even though she's 20. By not holding her accountable you're enabling her, teaching her how, to act inconsiderately and stay immature.

 

Worse, MUCH worse, you are teaching your son, at a VERY early age, how he ought to let a woman treat him. You are teaching him a distorted, corrupted, ugly version of what you're calling "love".

 

You AND YOUR SON deserve better. It is your responsibility to role-model better relationships for him, to teach him how to say 'no' to situations that are unhappy, unhealthy and untenable; to teach him how to be assertive and set healthy emotional boundaries for himself. He is not too young; he is learning everything that you're teaching him.

 

Crap! I know that I sound like your mother. And I'm sorry for that. I know that you don't need lectures from some old broad, mom-wannabe.

 

But jeez-louise. I would love for you to have a really happy, wonderful, fun, growth-inspiring life and relationship. For you and your son, I would love that. And you do not have it.

 

You deserve to have it, and you have the right to go and find it.

 

Hugs. I know it's difficult. You know what you have to do, yes? For your Self AND your son.

Edited November 16, 2009 by Ronni_W

[dashing daisy]

I did read the whole thing, and before I give you my advice I'm just going to respond to a few things you said

So now it feels like all our relationship consists of is me being a dog sitter and a meal ticket for when she wants to go out and eat.

 

Sorry to say it, but I have to agree with you...this is what it looks like. To be honest this is not at all a healthy relationship.

 

I keep telling myself that shes young, shes putting up with the fact I have a son, and I need to cut her slack.

 

No! You deserve to find someone that accepts you as a whole package-- you and your son--and doesn't just "put up with him". Your son calls this girl "mom" but you believe she is just "putting up" with the fact that you have him? That is so sad for you, and for your son! There are women out there who will love you and your son, and both of you deserve that. To be honest, you are cutting her way too much slack already...

 

I feel like I'm giving 110% and shes giving nothing. At this point shes not even attempting to act like shes trying. I'm so confused. I'm always the one trying to reconcile and she puts forth no effort. Is this relationship pretty much a failure with no hope?

 

She is giving you less than nothing, and you are chasing after her. She is giving you pain and heartache, and feeding into your insecurities. Every time you make a valid point, she somehow turns it against you, and makes you feel bad. You deserve better than this!! There is nothing wrong with you being a single dad...in fact, a lot of women will really respect and admire that...why are you chasing after one who looks at you as a burden? And basically says it to your face? You've been with her for 2 years...she has lied, cheated, put you down in front of her friends, but mostly just ignores you while you bend over backwards to try to make her happy.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER. This is not a healthy situation for you or your son. You deserve much better and you will find it. You just have to get out of this first.

 

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh...but it is hard to see a perfectly great guy like yourself, who is so kind and caring being treated so horribly. Do you really not know what to do? Or do you know what to do but are somehow afraid of the idea? Honestly, I'm hoping it's the second, but whatever it is we can work through it...but I have to say I think this relationship is already over, whether you have officially ended it or not. It's not at all give and take, it's you giving and giving and giving, and her taking and taking and taking....don't let it get to the point where you have nothing left.

 

You and your son deserve to be happy, and you can be...

[LucreziaBorgia]

She is using you as a 'daddy' to take care of her while she goes out advertising her wares as if she is a single woman. The only reason a girl consistently wouldn't want a boyfriend to go out with her is because she wants to present herself as available.

 

Cut her loose now, before your son gets old enough to be handed the same pain she is handing you.

[harmfulsweetz]

I realize this is extremely long and no one will probably read it. But for those that do I sincerely appreciate it. I haven't talked to anyone about this ever so I kinda spilled everything out. I'm in need of some serious advice. I don't know what to do anymore with things between my girlfriend. So anyway here's my situation.

 

THE PROBLEM

 

I'm a 22 year old single father, I have my son (3 year old) every day except for two weekends out of the month when his mother takes him. My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, she is 20, and I love her very much. She has grown very close to my son, to the point where he even calls her mom.

 

The problem is my girlfriend goes out ALL of the time but refuses to do anything with me. I try not to let it bother me because she is young and just because I can't go out, doesn't mean she can't. What bothers me is on the weekends that I don't have my son, and I am free to do something, she absolutely refuses to go out with me to the bar or club or let me hang out with any of her friends. I've asked her many times to go out and when the weekend rolls around she always has some excuse or ends up going out with her friends and I sit at home.

 

BACKSTORY/LIES/BROKEN TRUST

 

When we first met I was a smoker. She didn't like it and asked me to quit. One day while I'm still trying to quit she asks me about it. I told her I hadn't smoked at all and had quit. Which was a lie, I fully admit. Reality was I had cut down to only 1 or 2 a day. One day she went through my desk at work (we worked together at the time) and found a pack of cigarettes. Foolishly I lied about it, but ended up admitting to it later. She held this against me for a YEAR and still does to an extent today. She asked me every day, almost every hour if I had smoked. She said lying was a big deal to her no matter what I had lied about and she may never trust me again. I accepted responsibility for my actions and for a year did everything to try and make it up to her.

 

During this time she was playing softball for a local college. Now there were about 7 girls on this team that were lesbians, and she started spending an ENORMOUS amount of time with them. She began ignoring me and I wouldn't speak to her for weeks at a time, she would be spending the night and going out with them everyday. I brought it up and of course she freaked out and was offended that I would even think that she was a lesbian. My gut feeling about it would not go away though. One day I had enough and I went to her house during my lunch break so we could talk, while we were talking she got up to go to the restroom and left her cell phone on the couch. I looked at her text messages and there were messages from a number with no name, she's pretty good about adding names to her phone so it set off a red flag. I asked her who it was and she started acting really wierd. I read the messages and it was talking about holding hands in public, and laying in the same bed together, and other stuff. It turned out to be a girl on the team. I got extremely upset and asked if they had done anything together. She became upset too and started crying and said she was just confused, didn't want me to leave her, they had never done anything..etc etc.

 

The next day her story COMPLETELY changed. It was suddenly nothing, no big deal. She wouldn't admit to anything she admited to the previous day. I asked her to call the girl in my presence and ask what their relationship was. She obliges and calls the girl, first thing she did was make the girl aware that I was listening! I knew immediately that the girl knew what to do in this situation, and of course the girl says they are just friends.

 

A little less than a year later she comes to my work and says we need to talk. She breaks down and admits she lied, she had kissed the girl, she had developed feelings for her at the time, and she told the girl to lie about it. She also dropped another bombshell that one night that we had argued she exchanged sexual text messages with a guy friend of hers and he even requested she send him a nude picture of her, which she claims she didn't do. I'm pissed because I had been through a year of hell because I lied about SMOKING. And after her touting how important trust and not lying was she had lied the whole time. She asked that we wipe the slate clean and start over, that she really wanted this to work. She wouldn't have anything to do with the girl or guy, would block them from the various social networks and delete their numbers. None of this I asked her to do, she volunteered it on her own.

 

Of course this never happened, she talked to both of them multiple times since. She went to a concert and told me she saw the guy and but just said hey. Surprise, a picture shows up on facebook of her and the guy hugging and him giving her a kiss. I ask her why she lied that she just said hey, but of course in her mind it wasn't lying.

 

THE STORY NOW/FAKE ID/GOING OUT

 

When we first started dating I wasn't 21 yet and she was going out to bars and clubs in our town using a fake ID. One night someone busted her out in a club and she was arrested, taken to jail, recieved probabtion/community service and the whole nine yards. After this she didn't go out for about a year. Then she started going to a college town about an hour from here frequently because she said could get into the bars with her fake ID without any issue. I disagreed with it but there was no stopping her.

 

So in this college town is the only time in our two year relationship that we actually went out to a real bar/club together. We ended up having a bad time in the beginning. Her friend didn't like me so she was ignoring her, and we went to a guys house that my girlfriend had hooked up with before me and I got to listen to his smart ass all night. Also, being it was my first time in that enviornment and not knowing a single person, I hung around her the majority of the night. I thought we were having a good time dancing in the club and all that, but months later she cited this night as a reason she doesn't invite me anywhere because I was too "clingly". This baffled me because there was no sign of this that night from her that she felt that way. I was never invited again to go out with her in the college town.

 

Now after this, I mentioned to her multiple times that we should go out somewhere local. She ripped into me and said no way, she was caught here before. She said that she could do it in the college town because lots of people do it there. I said OK that's fine.

 

Now about 3 months ago she starts going out to the local places again with her friends! I called her out, asking why it was such a problem when I asked to go out, but when its with her friends its no big deal. She couldn't answer me and said that we could go out now.

 

Since then we have not gone out a single time, her excuses ranging from:

 

Its just her friends.

Its just a girl thing, (even though they meet up with guys at the bar or go to guys houses for parties)

I don't know any of her friends or anyone shes going out with (because shes never introduced me!)

 

Now this is where I want to tell you that I don't really have any friends. It's a little different for a guy who has primary custody of a child, there aren't many other guys my age that are willing to hang out with you and your kid. Girls will hang out with other girls who have a kid. After I had my son my social life pretty much tanked.

 

So my girlfriend knows this, don't you think if she cared she would be inclined to try and help me get out and meet people instead of letting me sit at home?

 

Just recently she asked me to meet her at a local restuarant/bar. I was excited, she actually invited me to go somewhere that she never had before. I ask her who shes with, and turns out its the cousin of my sons mother and her ex fiance! I don't like these two guys at all, and want nothing to do with them. I have absolutely no clue why my girlfriend is even hanging out with them. They are attached to the past and part of my life that I want to forget about.

 

So now I'm in a dilemma, if I tell her i'm not coming, shes going to be a smartass and say "Don't say I never invite you out anymore because I did". If I go, I know for a fact something is going to happen and its just going to be a bad night anyway, and then again she'll be a smartass and say "This is why I never invite you out!". So I sucked it up and crossed my fingers that nothing would happen and all would go well.

 

After about an hour of sitting with these guys and having a few beers, for some reason still unknown to me, the cousin spouts off that he was there the night my son was conceived. Which A) wasn't true, and B) I had never done anything with a girl while he was around, and C) pissed off my girlfriend. I speak up and tell him thats not true and me and him get into it. All of a sudden my girlfriend starts laying into me saying I'm lying and that I told her before he was there. Which isn't true either! I'm speechless. I never told her that, because it never happened! At this point I'm so frustrated I just shut up and we leave. In the car we got into it pretty bad because shes being ridiculous and I'm sick of everyone saying I'm lying when they all have no idea what they're talking about. Surprise, surprise, she cites this as a reason why she never invites me out with her. I try to explain to her how it was a lose lose situation to begin with but of course she doesn't understand, and now she just gave herself a reason to not invite me anywhere.

 

DOGS

 

She told me earlier today that I was too clingy and I just wanted her to spend all of her time with me and for her to not have any friends. Which is complete bull**** considering I have barely seen her all week and she goes out with friends every weekend! I saw her on Tuesday because I bought her a puppy she wanted. I keep that puppy and another 6 month old puppy I bought at my house. But they are HER dogs. The 6 month old puppy was spayed last Thursday, and I was off Thursday and Friday so I stayed home and looked after her. Now due to how much my girlfriend talks about how much she loves this dog and how concerned she was about her, I thought she would be coming over to check on her, but instead she chose to go out Friday night and didn't see the dog until Saturday.

 

She's having a hard time in school apparently, and cited the dogs as a reason, saying she didn't realize how much time and responsibility it took to take care of them. I'm absolutely baffled by this statement as the dogs spend 99% of their time with me at my house! I take care of them and my son! I wanted to tell her maybe it was her constant going out all the time that was interfering with school. UGH.

 

SEX

 

In the beginning of our relationship our sex life was GREAT. I'm talking about every day, multiple times a day. In cars, in restrooms, everywhere and anywhere we could get some privacy. The past year it has completely died. I'd say we've had sex 3 times in the past 6 months if not longer. There is no passion in our relationship. She gives different reasons for her lack of sex drive every time we talk about it.

 

ALMOST DONE, SORRY

 

So now it feels like all our relationship consists of is me being a dog sitter and a meal ticket for when she wants to go out and eat. I'm completely convinced she doesn't love me and almost convinced i'm just being used. I don't know what to do anymore. Our relationship has turned into more work than fun. But even after all we've been through, I love this girl with all of my heart. I want things to work. I keep telling myself that shes young, shes putting up with the fact I have a son, and I need to cut her slack. I feel like I'm giving 110% and shes giving nothing. At this point shes not even attempting to act like shes trying. I'm so confused. I'm always the one trying to reconcile and she puts forth no effort. Is this relationship pretty much a failure with no hope?

 

If anyone actually took the time to read all of this I thank you, very much. Any thoughts or advice about what I should do would be greatly appreciated..

 

 

You know what you have to do. Dump her. R's are about having fun together, getting our emotional needs met, socialising together, enjoying each other. Sounds like she is enjoying everyone but you. What are you getting out of this? Sounds like nothing to me. You got two dogs which were hers, great. I love dogs, but they are her responsibility, you shouldn't have to take care of them for fear she won't. She's immature, irresponsible and completely uninvested in this R. Do you want someone like that as a role model for your son? It's a failure. A failure a long time ago I imagine. Let her go, she clearly wants the single life, who doesn't want their man coming out with them? I mean, sure, there's nights out when I say I just wanted it to be the girls, but thats because I don't go out more than once every three months. If she really wanted this R, she'd work for it. She's going out instead.

[justforfun]

Am I the only one that thinks it was totally inappropriate and unacceptable for the OP to have his son calling his 20 year old girlfriend 'Mom'?

[Ronni_W]

Am I the only one that thinks it was totally inappropriate and unacceptable for the OP to have his son calling his 20 year old girlfriend 'Mom'?

Yeah, I think so

Seriously, though. I didn't get that he "had" the child do it, more that it came naturally from the child himself. I could be totally wrong, though.

 

If it did come naturally, then it would have been difficult to stop -- would have caused more confusion than necessary, IMO.

 

Personally, I think DeeplyConfused has been doing a great job keeping it all together especially with everything else going on. I think we need to be a 22-year old single parent for a few years first, and then decide if we still want to pick on the smaller or unavoidable stuff.

[DeeplyConfused]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this, and for your responses and suggestions. I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect to hear this from all of you. There are times when everything seems great between us, and then i get quickly reminded of the reality when I'm sitting at home alone. I guess it's just so hard. I have attributed it all to her age, I mean I feel like i'm 30. I tell myself that she shouldn't have to. But i guess there's a difference between acting young and acting like you want to be single huh? You don't know how many times I've told myself I was going to break it off if she ditched me again. That was probably 3 months ago and many weekends home alone. It's just the thing of DOING it. I know once I do she'll tell me what a horrible person I am and I'll regret it..etc etc (I've heard it from her before).

 

And yes, my son calling her "mom" happened naturally. She's been in his life almost before the age of 1. He even calls his real mother by her real name. I understand a lot of people think its wrong. It's something I didn't encourage or discourage honestly.

 

Do you think it would be worth a shot trying to talk to her one last time? Or is this just too much to overcome?

[RedDevil66]

I read the whole post.

My take: she is very VERY young and probably unsure of her sexuality at this point.

Sounds like she's taking advantage of you.

You're very mature for 22. Your life with this girl is going to be full time drama.

 

And your son should not be calling her Mom. She is a child and needs to grow up.

[RedDevil66]

and by the way, you can find friends to hang with. They don't need to be your age. I am sure there are a lot of single Dad in their 30's that can relate to you.

[justforfun]

 

If it did come naturally, then it would have been difficult to stop -- would have caused more confusion than necessary, IMO.

 

 

I disagree. How can allowing a child to call two women Mom when one of them isn't Mom be less confusing?

 

Children will often call someone else Mom when they are trying to make sense of the world. At that point 'Mom' isn't everything we conjure up when we think of what a Mom truly is. It's just a name for a female that is in a relationship with a male or something as basic.

 

At that point it is quite simple and easy to say to the child. I'm not Mommy, (x) is Mommy...I'm (y).

 

Unfortunately as the child develops a true understanding of the role and the full meaning of what a Mother is he will start to assume that the GF is also someone who has that role and all the attributes that go with it.

[Ronni_W]

Do you think it would be worth a shot trying to talk to her one last time? Or is this just too much to overcome?

Well, it depends what you mean by "worth a shot"(?) It is highly unlikely to change her attitude and behaviour if you say it all again, "one last time" or a hundred "last times". Don't you think?

 

She's not just "acting young" -- she is also acting inconsiderately, immaturely and like a spoiled brat. And yes, there is a big difference. Obviously the woman who chooses to be in a romantic relationship with you must also, necessarily, be interested in helping you raise your son in a positive, healthy, supportive, uplifting, loving environment.

 

That's a given. On your son's behalf, YOU cannot settle for less.

I know once I do she'll tell me what a horrible person I am and I'll regret it..etc etc

To which you reply, "I disagree with you. I am a wonderful, loving and lovable person. And I don't think your prediction that I'll regret this decision will prove to be true for me and <Son>."

 

And Red Devil offered an excellent suggestion: Look into groups that are geared to "single dads" and "parents without partners." And "single moms", too -- there may be resources available even if you're not into the whole 'coffee klatch' thing . "Mom and tot gymboree", reading hours at the library, stuff like that.

Or start your own group through meetup.com

 

Your reality is that you are living the life that most people your age cannot yet comprehend or offer support. It does make sense to develop relationships with like-minded individuals, not similar aged.

 

You'll have to deal with the fall-out of your son having become so attached to your soon-to-be-ex. It's the reality; it's parenting. Do some research or meet with a child psychologist and just do the best you can. Don't beat-up on yourself about it after the fact; that would be futile.

 

You CAN get rid of this burden in your life. You CAN and you owe it to yourself and your son, to do it.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[justforfun]

She's not just "acting young" -- she is also acting inconsiderately, immaturely and like a spoiled brat. And yes, there is a big difference. Obviously the woman who chooses to be in a romantic relationship with you must also, necessarily, be interested in helping you raise your son in a positive, healthy, supportive, uplifting, loving environment.

 

 

No she's not. Sheesh she's 20 years of age. And she's stuck in this situation where the OP has already demonstrated his lack of maturity, ability to make huge mistakes, and then complain when some barely out of her teens girl doesn't have the ability or resources to be supportive or even comprehend the seriousness of his situation.

 

For me the 'Mom' thing is so telling and reeks of immaturity. Children playing at being grown ups. It's unfortunate, and no offense to the OP, but that's exactly what it is.

[Ronni_W]

justforfun,

I do realize that you're feeling very strongly about DeeplyConfused's situation. But.

Even if all that you say is true, what is the point of saying it at this stage? to me, it's one thing for a 20-year old not to have the skills and maturity to be able to support DeeplyConfused, but I'll be damned if *I* am going to start to act like a 20-year old, as well.

Sheesh she's 20 years of age. And she's stuck in this situation

No, she's is not "stuck". Unless she is mentally challenged, she chose, at 18, to get involved with a 20-year old who had a 1-year old. (I did the math - son is 3, she's been in his life since he was around 1.)

 

Even at 18, I am assuming that she must have had SOME clue of what that was going to look like and entail, again, unless she is mentally challenged. I do not believe in excusing young people for their poor choices and unwise self-decisions purely on the basis of age.

 

I'm not saying that DC made good/wise decisions, either. I'm sure he is well aware. I'm saying...I've made the choice to address his ACTUAL situation cos he sure as hell can't send the kid back.