invasion of privacy

[jenny]

as a poll, do you think it is ever acceptable to wander through your partner's computer? this includes: email, history, last documents, etc. or their rooms, mail, telephone calls, etc.

 

i'm horrified by how many people do this - this is something so removed from my psychology that it would not even occur to me - but maybe my values are skewed. why do people do this? how do they justify themselves? i'd love to understand.

 

i remember my mom, when i was 5, taking a letter to my brother away from my prying hands and explaining that it was actually a crime to intrude in someone's business that way. i guess it stuck.

 

i'm looking to expand my understanding of prying so as to reduce my prejudice against it - it obviously won't change my behaviour but maybe i will get it when my women friends talk about it. i can't ever help them because i cannot get over the horror of this invasion of privacy.

[dyermaker]

It says a lot about your relationship. It says either one person is making the other uncomfortable, or it says that the other is insecure about the relationship as a whole. If those issues can't be addressed, and they turn to sneaking around, that's at a huge detriment to the relationship, even if the other person never finds out.

 

As far as recreational snooping, just for fun, that's not cool, and you should respect a person enough to let them have their own business.

[Arabess]

If I felt I had to 'snoop' on a guy I loved....I would think the relationship lacked something. Everyone deserves personal privacy on and off the net. If a person doesn't feel 'secure' in your love....you've given them nothing but empty words.

 

Now, if I thought he was cheating on me though.....I would break the above statement. I'd not only catch him...but I'd dump him not in a nice way. LOL!

[Caddy]

I wouldn't do it. Even with everything I have been through. I think it's wrong to invade someone else's privacy like that. I would never check email/website/board messages/whatever. I have heard some of my friends and seen posts about this, and it's like the outcome is never good. And I do agree, it says something about the level of insecurity in your relationship if you constantly feel the need to go through someone else's things. I know with my ex, he had pictures of his ex's and saved emails, things like that. It wasn't a problem for me because I have the same. And I want to cherish my memories of the happy times with that person. Everyone has a past, and I think the person that you are with should accept you no matter what, an unconditional love and understanding that the past should remain in the past. As for the present, if someone is in a relationship and they feel their partner is sneaking out/stepping out in email/internet chat/real life, the way to handle it is to confront the person. The two shouldn't be together if one of them is doing these things. And I would hope the guilty party would have the guts to fess up so that the relationship can end, because it would need to.

[moimeme]

I won't even use someone else's computer without his permission. And I sure don't snoop. If a relationship got to the point of that little trust, it'd likely be over anyway so why bother.

[greeniebeenie]

I had a girlfriend once, who broke up with me while she was away at school.

 

 

I hadn' t seen her in 3 months, finally bought a plane ticket to go out to see her, and

she broke up with me the day i got there. She said that the distance was just too much

for her and that it wasn't that anyone else was in the picture, but that she just wanted

to break up, take a break and then get back together when she got back home 3 months down the road.

So i just accepted it and decided to make the best of the trip and just see some sites and

just be her friend....But it just bugged me............

 

 

So, I SNOOPED. And low and behold, I found a note in her dresser from a guy addresses to her, Thanking her for their Romantic evening

and how it was the best night of his life and that he was never going to forget the special experience she gave him and that he knew

they were soul mates.

 

 

What a ****ty thing to find, let me tell you. So I packed up, never gave her an explanation and never talked to her again, even though

she called me once she got back home, I never, ever called her back.

 

 

Anyway, I don't think it's right to snoop but I did it anyway and got answers. She did a dishonest thing, but so did I by going into her private things. Didn't make me feel good by snooping, but i suspected she wasn't telling me the truth and wanted to know before i waited 3 months for her, wondering why she ever broke up with me in the first place.

[locogurl]

Just a few thoughts from a former snoop -

 

I think snooping can be a bad thing to get caught up in. It tends to take over your life. I've been cheated on and went spy crazy for awhile. Not a good place to put your energy. There were many times I found things that hurt me even more than the confessed infidelity. Then the whole process of learning to trust had to start over. And every little thing in real life became a slight. Can't forgive if you're spying...

 

I think it's more important to concentrate on your own behavior and fidelity than that of another. It hurts when you find out that you were being a faithful partner and you were being fooled by someone you thought had your best interest in mind. But it is their life and their time and they have the right to do what ever they want with it. Even if it hurts you.

 

Spying is part of trying to control others & no one has a right to do that to anyone else, no matter what they have promised you. Besides - No matter what you do you can't control anyone else only yourself.

 

Cheaters can't hide things forever. Eventually it comes out in an undeniable way. So spying is really a waste of energy and time. Spying on people keeps tearing your self esteem down. It is better to be fooled than to become a suspicious, neurotic and angry person.

 

I think when we are insecure it is better to work on making ourselves into better people and to change the things about ourselves that make us feel less desirable than others. We need to value ourselves or no one else will.

 

Probably if you don't trust someone there might be a good reason for it and perhaps it's not the type of relationship you should be in anymore. Instead of spying it would be better to find someone else who makes you feel that you are valued and wanted. After all who wants to spend their whole life in the type of pain that comes from mistrusting an intimate partner.

 

This is advice I need to take myself -

 

Locogurl

[lostforwords]

accidently coming across information such as the one posters incident where she typed in a search word and the teenaged or child pornography words appeared is one thing.... the same has happened to myself however not at all to do with pornography but discovering a bf having another "secretive" profile to further his need to chat with other women; but to knowingly hack, snoop, sneak passwords... etc..... well that is all too familiar with me... if anyone has been familiar with my posts regarding the ex's girlfriend, i stated she got ahold of all my personal information address, phone number etc.... i wont get into any specific details as its done and over with.... however i cant stand the fact that my life was indeed snooped on. and it is frustrating as hell... for someone to do such a depserate act.... well nvm... lol... lets just say its sucks. and i can definately feel where jenny would be coming from.

[brashgal]

I'm not sure I know anymore as I did it so long with the ex. I didn't think of doing so (and I'm fairly computer-literate so it wasn't that I had to figure out how) until it seemed as if he was constantly hiding something, didn't want us using the computer, didn't want us around when he used the computer. I know it just about sucked the life out of me and it was hard to stop.

 

Same goes for the mail and phone calls - didn't go looking until there were too many unexcused absences, too much secrecy. It becomes a little drama. A cache of letters that I found long after I knew about an affair and had forgiven him set me back terribly. Reading their expressions of love and passion cut to the heart as he had never been that expressive with me. I would have been better off not knowing.

 

Would I do it again? If I suspected something, yes. I don't like being made a fool of - I would rather know.

[Caddy]

Originally posted by lostforwords

the same has happened to myself however not at all to do with pornography but discovering a bf having another "secretive" profile to further his need to chat with other women

 

Ok now that's something that I can't directly relate to. The extra profile. But I do know that if the guy did that to you then he's probably doing the same thing to other girlfriends.

 

I feel for you Lost. Just take great strength in knowing you are not with that loser now. And that you are the better person for walking away!

 

Did you confront him about it?

 

Has anyone ever had to confront someone about the secretive activity? Besides what's been posted already?

[locogurl]

Isn't it funny that a man will tell his wife he's too tired to talk & then get on the internet and go looking for women to talk to or run up an outrageous cell phone bill?

[steveb]

I was going to post, but locogurl's first post in this thread could be mine.

 

I started snooping after my wife said she wasn't sure if she still wanted to be married.

It consumed me, and I became an angry person from it.

 

I have to admit though, that after confronting my wife with some of the things I found, we were abe to "start over".

She was very slowly moving the boundaries that marriage creates.

If left unchecked, I am sure we would have split up.

 

We both had to start seeing councelors to address the trust issues, among other things.

We have both reafirmed our desire to rebuild our relationship, and the trust is coming back.

[BlockHead]

I wouldn't do it without permission.

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by moimeme

And I sure don't snoop. If a relationship got to the point of that little trust, it'd likely be over anyway so why bother.

 

That's awesome Moimeme! I like your way of thinking. I don't bother either!

 

Anyway, that is kinda funny how women will snoop around. I remember bringing women to my house on different occasions and would often catch them going through my drawers or closet or something. Why do you women do stuff like that?

 

In past relationships, I found that my ex's going through my jacket and pants pockets. Never really bothered me, though...

[AprilFool]

I was raised where NOTHING was a secret from my mom. She went through every drawer, read EVER letter. If you wanted something to be a secret from her......just forget it.

 

Then, I had a boyfriend who lied to me about everything for the two years we were together.

 

Snooping became second nature to me. When my husband lost interest in sex with me for a couple months, I became suspicious of him cheating. I did some snooping, and found porn. Not nearly as bad as cheating, but I was still upset. I worked to accept it, and now we're happy.

 

Honestly, I am glad that I snooped and found the porn. If I hadn't, I'd still think that the reason he didn't want sex was me! Now, I know he was just getting off somewhere else. It has DRASTICALLY helped our relationsip.

 

I don't want to snoop, because all of you are right.....it causes more problems than it solves, but it's a process to learn to trust anyone when you've been treated the way that I have all my life.