Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Okay I am getting more and more perplexed reading the thread. We are all cheering FO and hoping her marriage is strong and sex returns to a level to her liking. Men have posted this issue over and over (lack of sex) and frankly the support does not come close to that shown FO, who had as I have repeated over and over the simplest problem I have seen on this site. FO said in the title of the post that the lack of sex was due to her weight gain. She then said she still ate bad, hated exercise and refused to stick to a plan. He had told her the weight gain had turned him off.... And we all are shedding tears and many blaming him. What really amazes me is the men who complain about lack of sex in their marriage are also vociferous in their support of her and sayng the husband is shallow and uncaring to find their spouse (who they love) unappealing due to the weight gain. I'll tell you that I am flabbergasted at these responses as I have little sympathy to be honest. I think all the nights I have wanted sex (and I get it more then JamesM or Giotto;)), snuggled up and been told no...... And again this is a common refrain mostly by men. So I have not put on weight, am an attentive husband and father. I provide for the family and am thoughtful, considerate and do romantic gestures and on and on...... Yes and I repeat over and over that her equipment works (so does JamesM and Giotto's spouses, sorry to use them as examples) and there is no answer to our dilemnas and our talks 'til blue in the face accomplish nothing. FO did have a problem, with the simplest of solutions. Exercise and lose weight. Shallow???? Maybe, but so simple and I wonder why there is so much hand wringing and back and forth. I wish JameM, Giottos and the many other males who have posted this question had such a simple answer. FO knew the answer, posted it and now as we knew was confirmed by her spouse and we continue to post and comment on it..... Call me thick but I don't understand it..... Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Tood, either it's unacceptable to withhold sex from your spouse or it's not. So you are saying that it's acceptable for FO's husband to deny her sex in their marriage because she's gained weight, but it's not accepatable for JamesM's wife to deny him sex for whatever reason she has? I don't believe there is ever a good reason to deny sex in a marriage and I was posting from that premise. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Tood, I agree with you 100%. As to the women denying the men sex, they almost never give any actionable reasons for the husbands to work on. I'm willing to bet good money that if JamesM were 50 lbs overweight and his wife told him that was the reason, then he'd lose that weight in a month! At least there is an understandable reason for the issue that can be remedied In that thread, the wife felt glazed donuts were more important than sex with her husband. Let's not blame a guy for not wanting to sleep with a human walrus. Link to post Share on other sites
frustrated_one Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I am not a human walrus! Tood, I agree with you 100%. As to the women denying the men sex, they almost never give any actionable reasons for the husbands to work on. I'm willing to bet good money that if JamesM were 50 lbs overweight and his wife told him that was the reason, then he'd lose that weight in a month! At least there is an understandable reason for the issue that can be remedied In that thread, the wife felt glazed donuts were more important than sex with her husband. Let's not blame a guy for not wanting to sleep with a human walrus. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Tood, I agree with you 100%. As to the women denying the men sex, they almost never give any actionable reasons for the husbands to work on. I'm willing to bet good money that if JamesM were 50 lbs overweight and his wife told him that was the reason, then he'd lose that weight in a month! At least there is an understandable reason for the issue that can be remedied In that thread, the wife felt glazed donuts were more important than sex with her husband. Let's not blame a guy for not wanting to sleep with a human walrus. That "human walrus" is his wife. It's not just some fat chick he picked up in a bar. It would seem that the fact that this is the woman you fell in love with and decided to marry for better of for worse (or for fatter or thinner) would supersede a few pounds. To me, the female equivilent to this senerio would be if I stopped having sex with my husband because he wasn't making as much money as I thought he should. I mean, a thin attractive wife deserves a rich husband doesn't she? I'll just withhold sex until he makes more money. Either way it's disgusting and no way to be in a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I am not a human walrus! No you are not. You are a person and deserve to be treated like one. Goodness gracious. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 What really amazes me is the men who complain about lack of sex in their marriage are also vociferous in their support of her and sayng the husband is just as shallow and uncaring as their wives to find their spouse (who they love) unappealing due to the name your reason. Neutrality. Acceptance. You'll note in the men's threads I counseled MC and divorce as appropriate. The men apparently have fear, fear which motivates their responses. I know that fear. It's debilitating. Men simply are conditioned to empathize with women because they're brainwashed through sex. Take that away and you can see women clearly, for better or worse I would counsel FO the same way as the men. If she chooses to remain heavy (the 'reason') and does not feel loved and/or desired, get out. I hope she finds the body weight, peace and love she desires. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 That "human walrus" is his wife. It's not just some fat chick he picked up in a bar. It would seem that the fact that this is the woman you fell in love with and decided to marry for better of for worse (or for fatter or thinner) would supersede a few pounds. To me, the female equivilent to this senerio would be if I stopped having sex with my husband because he wasn't making as much money as I thought he should. I mean, a thin attractive wife deserves a rich husband doesn't she? I'll just withhold sex until he makes more money. Either way it's disgusting and no way to be in a marriage. Granted, but he's not withholding sex. He probably loves her, but just can' t get aroused by her physique and he told her so. The comparison to the money does not apply - it's a cheap shot. But if the guy became a fat slob, you can't blame the wife for not wanting to sleep with him. If she tells him that's the problem, I'd say the guy has no excuse to not shed the weight. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Granted, but he's not withholding sex. He probably loves her, but just can' t get aroused by her physique and he told her so. The comparison to the money does not apply - it's a cheap shot. But if the guy became a fat slob, you can't blame the wife for not wanting to sleep with him. If she tells him that's the problem, I'd say the guy has no excuse to not shed the weight. It's not a cheap shot. Men are visual creatures and in the same respect women value security. A sexy woman to a man is the equivlent to a rich and powerful man to a woman. That is why you often see fat sloppy men who are rich with beautiful women. Women can and do overlook a chiseled exterior for a healthy bank account. So, it's the same imo. If a man started out with a lot of money in the marriage and he somehow through his own foolish mistakes lost most of his money, it would be just as wrong for his wife to then say she is not going to have sex with him until he makes the same amount of money he made when they first got married. She could say to him that he pulled a bait and switch on her, right? Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Granted, but he's not withholding sex. He probably loves her, but just can' t get aroused by her physique and he told her so. The comparison to the money does not apply - it's a cheap shot. But if the guy became a fat slob, you can't blame the wife for not wanting to sleep with him. If she tells him that's the problem, I'd say the guy has no excuse to not shed the weight. But he just can't get aroused by her physique." If that is truly the case then why does he have no problem having sex with her when they do have it? I would think if he was that turned off by her, he wouldn't be able to get erect, keep an erection, and perform. Link to post Share on other sites
cheergirl Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 There seems to be a "I can get as unnattractive as I want, and he'd still better still find me attractive, godammit" mind-set that is seriously at odds w/reality, and human nature... There have been a few honest replies, but the majority seem really out there... Oh well, not really my problem I guess, just trying to be honest... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 The excuses, both male and female, are just avoiding the main subject; lack of intimacy. Either work on getting it back or get out. Everything else is just noise. There are plenty of 'fat people' who have great intimacy and sex. The same goes with poor people. It's not about fat or money... Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 It's not a cheap shot. Men are visual creatures and in the same respect women value security. A sexy woman to a man is the equivlent to a rich and powerful man to a woman. That is why you often see fat sloppy men who are rich with beautiful women. Women can and do overlook a chiseled exterior for a healthy bank account. So, it's the same imo. If a man started out with a lot of money in the marriage and he somehow through his own foolish mistakes lost most of his money, it would be just as wrong for his wife to then say she is not going to have sex with him until he makes the same amount of money he made when they first got married. She could say to him that he pulled a bait and switch on her, right? Interesting. You think women are attracted to men for their money? That quite an insult to women out there. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I've known precious few women who were insulted by money Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Interesting. You think women are attracted to men for their money? That quite an insult to women out there. Is it insulting to men to be attracted to a woman based on her body and face alone? I'm not calling women gold diggers, but it's a fact that women crave the security that only money brings. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 There seems to be a "I can get as unnattractive as I want, and he'd still better still find me attractive, godammit" mind-set that is seriously at odds w/reality, and human nature... There have been a few honest replies, but the majority seem really out there... Oh well, not really my problem I guess, just trying to be honest... Exactly. Not only that but if the spouse so much as suggests that their sexual arousal is in any way driven by their spouse's physique then they're vilified. I actually think it's not the physique itself that I would find bothersome. It's more the idea that my wife would deliberately let herself go like that witrh no regard to herself. I think if it were a result of some disease or accident, I could handle it. The other day, I was in the supermarket and I saw this couple in front of me pushing a cart. The guy looked average in weight, but his wife was humongouos. To make it worse, she had a massive bag of frozen fries on the kid seat of the cart - she had puched a hole in the back and was crunching on the frozen fries as she waddled along. That would be a deal killer for me. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 The excuses, both male and female, are just avoiding the main subject; lack of intimacy. Either work on getting it back or get out. Everything else is just noise. There are plenty of 'fat people' who have great intimacy and sex. The same goes with poor people. It's not about fat or money... I agree 100%. I was commenting on the fact that some think some excuses are good enough to withhold intimacy - like physical appearence. I for one think there aren't many good excuses to stop having sex with your partner especially considering they can't get it from anywhere else except to go outside the marriage. It's the ultimate betrayal any way you slice it. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Interesting. You think women are attracted to men for their money? That quite an insult to women out there. Some are. When an old man dates a much younger woman, it is a trade off. Usually the trade off is money for looks. Nothing new here. I know you are older and should know this already. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I for one think there aren't many good excuses to stop having sex with your partner especially considering they can't get it from anywhere else except to go outside the marriage. I agree, and for the record, I view sex as an expression of intimacy, not a simple physical function. For me, the two (sex and intimacy) are inextricably intertwined. When the intimacy goes, so does the sex. Without work and/or help, like MC, the marriage goes next. BTDT Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Toodamnpragmatic, I don't know if I can say this. Please don't take this the wrong way. I think you need to take a day off from work, grab a 6 pack and maybe something else, and just chill out! Really, it isn't that bad. You sound like you're going to explode through the roof. You need to get over this and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 It's not a cheap shot. Men are visual creatures and in the same respect women value security. A sexy woman to a man is the equivlent to a rich and powerful man to a woman. That is why you often see fat sloppy men who are rich with beautiful women. Women can and do overlook a chiseled exterior for a healthy bank account. So, it's the same imo. If a man started out with a lot of money in the marriage and he somehow through his own foolish mistakes lost most of his money, it would be just as wrong for his wife to then say she is not going to have sex with him until he makes the same amount of money he made when they first got married. She could say to him that he pulled a bait and switch on her, right? And you don't think that happens???? And you don't think a major motivator to men is to be a provider and to be successful or to provide a comfortable lifestyle and to be the same person your spouse fell in love with and frankly become more successful in your career as you grow older? This was all about weight and nothing else. The OP knew it and many seemed to talk around the problem. The spouse does not like an overweight spouse. If a woman says she does not like an unsuccessful husband and she married a successful man who became unsuccessful, she has every right to say so..... And if that includes not wanting sex because she is not turned on, so be it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 And you don't think that happens???? And you don't think a major motivator to men is to be a provider and to be successful or to provide a comfortable lifestyle and to be the same person your spouse fell in love with and frankly become more successful in your career as you grow older? This was all about weight and nothing else. The OP knew it and many seemed to talk around the problem. The spouse does not like an overweight spouse. If a woman says she does not like an unsuccessful husband and she married a successful man who became unsuccessful, she has every right to say so..... And if that includes not wanting sex because she is not turned on, so be it.... I think the correct analogy would be a husband who decides to put on a paper hat and work for McDonald's part time, plunging their lifestyle into the gutter when in fact he was a successful person before and could be again. If he wanted to, he could pull it together again, but can't be bothered. There I would see the wife's POV. And that example is more in line with the ever-expanding wife. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 And you don't think that happens???? And you don't think a major motivator to men is to be a provider and to be successful or to provide a comfortable lifestyle and to be the same person your spouse fell in love with and frankly become more successful in your career as you grow older? This was all about weight and nothing else. The OP knew it and many seemed to talk around the problem. The spouse does not like an overweight spouse. If a woman says she does not like an unsuccessful husband and she married a successful man who became unsuccessful, she has every right to say so..... And if that includes not wanting sex because she is not turned on, so be it.... I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I'm saying when it does happen it's not right. Sex in a marriage is a given. It's not a motivator or a bargaining chip. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I wasn't going to respond to this thread (even though my name is being used freely ), but this comment brought me out.... I'm willing to bet good money that if JamesM were 50 lbs overweight and his wife told him that was the reason, then he'd lose that weight in a month! Yes, but there still is that "small" problem of being delivered an ultimatum. While my wife has gained weight and I viewed her as not as sexy as before, this in no way causes (or caused) me to no longer have sex with her. Love for her goes deeper than outward physical appearance. And oddly even though out sex life is lacking, if I felt that losing weight was "the problem" and I lost it, I would know that instead of being focused on me as a person, she was focused on me as a body. I have no problem with a spouse saying that "I am not as physically attracted to you because of your weight gain" but I think it should never be a reason for no longer having sex. You mentioned seeing an obese lady and her husband shopping and eating. This brings up why physical is not really the reason usually. It goes deeper into how the person views him or herself. And as F_O's husband said and revealed a bit....he is thinking that she does not love HIM as much because she is not losing weight as she knows HE thinks she should. So his ultimatum is selfish and not loving. It is not oly because he feels she is not physically attractive, but it is more abut how he thinks she should respect HIS opinions and feelings. This weight thing is all about control. At least there is an understandable reason for the issue that can be remedied In that thread, the wife felt glazed donuts were more important than sex with her husband. Let's not blame a guy for not wanting to sleep with a human walrus. Disappointed in this comment. First off, F_O as stated by her weight gain and height is not a huge woman. She is starting to be classified as a bigger woman, but it is all about proportion. Calling anyone such a name does not help. Many men would find her beautiful as she is. Her husband does not. Again, I do not think it is only about physical appearance. I think it is about how the husband views his opinions are viewed. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Some are. When an old man dates a much younger woman, it is a trade off. Usually the trade off is money for looks. Nothing new here. I know you are older and should know this already. I'm older, but I'm hot. I'll let you know when I'm 70. Link to post Share on other sites
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