No sex because of weight gain redux......

[hopeful1980]

I think the correct analogy would be a husband who decides to put on a paper hat and work for McDonald's part time, plunging their lifestyle into the gutter when in fact he was a successful person before and could be again. If he wanted to, he could pull it together again, but can't be bothered. There I would see the wife's POV. And that example is more in line with the ever-expanding wife.

 

So you think people want to get fat?

 

This analogy is incorrect because most people don't want to be fat or poor. A better one would be that if the husband made some poor choices with money and ended up losing a lot of it. He didn't mean to do it, but he wasn't careful and he had to start all over again to regain his wealth.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Toodamnpragmatic, I don't know if I can say this. Please don't take this the wrong way. I think you need to take a day off from work, grab a 6 pack and maybe something else, and just chill out! Really, it isn't that bad. You sound like you're going to explode through the roof. You need to get over this and move on.

 

No LS is my venting board that allows me to get things off my chest and not explode.....

[carhill]

So, if the love and intimacy were still there, some would begin to condition those psychological aspects upon their perception of 'letting oneself go' physically?

 

Fascinating stuff. What an interesting way to grow old

[Scrivdog]

So, if the love and intimacy were still there, some would begin to condition those psychological aspects upon their perception of 'letting oneself go' physically?

 

Fascinating stuff. What an interesting way to grow old

 

Getting old is inevitable. Gaining 50 pounds of fat isn't - it's a deliberate choice.

[JamesM]

Getting old is inevitable. Gaining 50 pounds of fat isn't - it's a deliberate choice.

 

Yes and no.

 

Some people age gracefully and because of great genetics don't show their age. Others show their age while yet relatively young. Yet in many cases, aging can be controlled. HOW we age is also a deliberate choice.

 

Some people can eat poorly and gain no weight. Others can eat well and gain weight.

 

In this case, we read that F_O has some reasons for her recent weight gain which include feet surgeries.

 

Issuing ultimatums of any sort and using a physical appearance as a measuring stick for beauty when married is a quick way to destroy the intimacy of a marriage.

 

IF weight is a symptom of something else like becoming lazy or becoming disrespectful of the other, then perhaps the real reasons should be addressed.

 

If F_O needs to keep her weight at a certain number for her husband to desire her, then the real issues go much deeper than simply outward physical appearance.

 

And yes, F_O, I still think they do.

[hopeful1980]

Getting old is inevitable. Gaining 50 pounds of fat isn't - it's a deliberate choice.

 

Most people who put on weight over the years are not doing it deliberately. It probably crept up and many factors contributed to the weight gain.

 

Most people don't gain weight to spite their spouse. They don't do it TO them, they do it to themselves. It's unfortunate if the spouse sees the weight gain as some type of affront to them as if they did it to make them prove their undying love for them. I doubt this is the case in most situations.

[carhill]

Getting old is inevitable. Gaining 50 pounds of fat isn't - it's a deliberate choice.

IMO, that's a bit short-sighted, though you're welcomed to that perspective. As you grow old, and I hope you do, see how that works for you

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I wasn't going to respond to this thread (even though my name is being used freely ), but this comment brought me out....

 

 

 

Yes, but there still is that "small" problem of being delivered an ultimatum. While my wife has gained weight and I viewed her as not as sexy as before, this in no way causes (or caused) me to no longer have sex with her.

 

Love for her goes deeper than outward physical appearance.

 

And oddly even though out sex life is lacking, if I felt that losing weight was "the problem" and I lost it, I would know that instead of being focused on me as a person, she was focused on me as a body.

 

I have no problem with a spouse saying that "I am not as physically attracted to you because of your weight gain" but I think it should never be a reason for no longer having sex.

 

You mentioned seeing an obese lady and her husband shopping and eating. This brings up why physical is not really the reason usually. It goes deeper into how the person views him or herself. And as F_O's husband said and revealed a bit....he is thinking that she does not love HIM as much because she is not losing weight as she knows HE thinks she should. So his ultimatum is selfish and not loving. It is not oly because he feels she is not physically attractive, but it is more abut how he thinks she should respect HIS opinions and feelings.

 

This weight thing is all about control.

 

 

 

Disappointed in this comment. First off, F_O as stated by her weight gain and height is not a huge woman. She is starting to be classified as a bigger woman, but it is all about proportion.

 

Calling anyone such a name does not help. Many men would find her beautiful as she is. Her husband does not. Again, I do not think it is only about physical appearance. I think it is about how the husband views his opinions are viewed.

 

I truly appreciate your honesty, empathy, intelligence and your dogged determination in your pursuit of answers to your situation and how you have answered others with such compassion. But Scrivdog is right..... If you knew your wife was not having sex with you because you had put on 50 lbs, you'd take it off for her, for your health and for YOUR SEX LIFE.

 

Sorry if you then felt trapped for doing so, you'd make the decision whether it was worth it.

 

Sorry for bringing you into this, but you have defended FO and frankly you of all people should resent her and her simple solution, which she refused to accept without fighting tooth and nail obsessing about.

[cheergirl]

The excuses, both male and female, are just avoiding the main subject; lack of intimacy. Either work on getting it back or get out. Everything else is just noise.

 

There are plenty of 'fat people' who have great intimacy and sex. The same goes with poor people. It's not about fat or money...

 

Nothing wrong with fat if that's what your partner wants...Plenty of men/women who dig it deeply...

 

As for the money issue, not that I think about it as such, but I've rarely dated/married a guy who is not financially savvy...

[carhill]

As for the money issue, not that I think about it as such, but I've rarely dated/married a guy who is not financially savvy...

 

LOL, neither has my stbx. Two businessmen and an accountant. She's done well for herself

[cheergirl]

Exactly. Not only that but if the spouse so much as suggests that their sexual arousal is in any way driven by their spouse's physique then they're vilified.

 

I actually think it's not the physique itself that I would find bothersome. It's more the idea that my wife would deliberately let herself go like that witrh no regard to herself. I think if it were a result of some disease or accident, I could handle it.

 

The other day, I was in the supermarket and I saw this couple in front of me pushing a cart. The guy looked average in weight, but his wife was humongouos. To make it worse, she had a massive bag of frozen fries on the kid seat of the cart - she had puched a hole in the back and was crunching on the frozen fries as she waddled along. That would be a deal killer for me.

Hilarious and honest!

[frustrated_one]

Cheergirl, my attitude was never to "get as unattractive as I want and he better still find me attractive." NO WAY.

 

I NEVER entered my marriage with that mindset. In fact, I wanted to lose even more weight. But life happens. Five foot surgeries later plus dealing with moving out of state, being away from my support system and trying to start a business all contributed to my weight gain where I was using food as control and comfort. I have talked to my doctor about this.

 

Some people who are posting seem to think it's so easy. When you have had a life-long battle with food and your weight IT IS NOT.

 

I am not making an excuse but things don't happen in a vacuum. Yes, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth, but let me tell you, I would not be at the weight I am now had I felt loved and suppported by my husband and not like I had a gun to my head.

 

 

 

There seems to be a "I can get as unnattractive as I want, and he'd still better still find me attractive, godammit" mind-set that is seriously at odds w/reality, and human nature...

There have been a few honest replies, but the majority seem really out there...

Oh well, not really my problem I guess, just trying to be honest...

[frustrated_one]

The money comparison IS valid and IT IS NOT A CHEAP SHOT! If you go to Dr. Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs - he uses the EXACT same compairson. A man may have a deep emotional need for a physically attractive mate and sex, but as Hopeful said, most women have a deep emotional need to have financial security.

 

That's from a marriage counselor - it's not our opinion - it's fact.

 

 

 

Granted, but he's not withholding sex. He probably loves her, but just can' t get aroused by her physique and he told her so. The comparison to the money does not apply - it's a cheap shot.

 

But if the guy became a fat slob, you can't blame the wife for not wanting to sleep with him. If she tells him that's the problem, I'd say the guy has no excuse to not shed the weight.

[Scrivdog]

Cheergirl, my attitude was never to "get as unattractive as I want and he better still find me attractive." NO WAY.

 

I NEVER entered my marriage with that mindset. In fact, I wanted to lose even more weight. But life happens. Five foot surgeries later plus dealing with moving out of state, being away from my support system and trying to start a business all contributed to my weight gain where I was using food as control and comfort. I have talked to my doctor about this.

 

Some people who are posting seem to think it's so easy. When you have had a life-long battle with food and your weight IT IS NOT.

 

I am not making an excuse but things don't happen in a vacuum. Yes, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth, but let me tell you, I would not be at the weight I am now had I felt loved and suppported by my husband and not like I had a gun to my head.

 

I figured it was the husband's fault in the end ..

[cheergirl]

Kudos

 

I think the correct analogy would be a husband who decides to put on a paper hat and work for McDonald's part time, plunging their lifestyle into the gutter when in fact he was a successful person before and could be again. If he wanted to, he could pull it together again, but can't be bothered. There I would see the wife's POV. And that example is more in line with the ever-expanding wife.

 

And can't you just imagine the chorus of disapproval from the gfs, mums, sisters??? "He's workin' WHERE??!! "Uh-uh, no he better get six figure salary back or i ain't staying around to munch no french fries (frozen or otherwise)!!!"

 

Few would expect her stay because he's deceived her, he wooed her with his wealth and success and when he got her gave up the pretence because he really didn't care... Now if, he said that in the beginning, cool..chances are he didn't because he would not get a smokin' hot wife.

now he's got her and wants her to walk and take the bus everywhere... I mean it's just a laughable scenario:lmao::lmao:, but men are expected not only to take it, but take it not dare to broach the subject...

If I were a man, I'd have excessive weight gain in my pre-nup...

[mem11363]

Carhill,

Are you saying that intimacy provides complete insulation to the physical reality of your spouse?

 

I actually think it depends entirely on the causal factor.

1. At one end of the spectrum: Spouse gets scarred in car accident - zero anger/resentment to them for not trying - if you love them you make the effort and adjust to their new look just like you adjust to that look as you and they get really old

 

2. Other end of the spectrum: I don't bathe/shower frequently. I get in bed and smell bad. HUGE issue - this is total indifference to your spouse since shower/bath are so easy. Forget about getting used to it. Why should you? They should show you concern.

 

3. Middle ground is weight - Clearly people have preferences in this area. Still it is much harder to change this - and your spouse could have weight issues for many reasons other then indifference.

 

If we could invent a shower stall that washed away fat then all these posts would evaporate.....

 

 

 

The excuses, both male and female, are just avoiding the main subject; lack of intimacy. Either work on getting it back or get out. Everything else is just noise.

 

There are plenty of 'fat people' who have great intimacy and sex. The same goes with poor people. It's not about fat or money...

[cheergirl]

Cheergirl, my attitude was never to "get as unattractive as I want and he better still find me attractive." NO WAY.

 

I NEVER entered my marriage with that mindset. In fact, I wanted to lose even more weight. But life happens. Five foot surgeries later plus dealing with moving out of state, being away from my support system and trying to start a business all contributed to my weight gain where I was using food as control and comfort. I have talked to my doctor about this.

 

Some people who are posting seem to think it's so easy. When you have had a life-long battle with food and your weight IT IS NOT.

 

I am not making an excuse but things don't happen in a vacuum. Yes, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth, but let me tell you, I would not be at the weight I am now had I felt loved and suppported by my husband and not like I had a gun to my head.

 

Sorry, but you are...

I'm sure you're a lovely person but you are making excuses...You're husband sounds fantastic, and so many people have come on this this to bash the crap out of him for having the audacity to say he found you more attractive 50lbs ago...

12.5 pounds more every year and you are quite short... You have virtually no excuse, no kids, you don't live somewhere where you have no choice about what to eat. You both have money it sounds like so what's the problem???? You are lucky he cares so much and takes you on holiday...

It's up to you, honey. So many men would have been screwing around, but he wants you and has been waiting for four years to get your act together... What more can he do???? The analogy of putting a gun to your head is disgusting particularly to those who've lived with violent partners...

He just wants you to eat less, exercise more and be hot again...Sorry but you are making excuses and sound spoiled... LOOK AT YOURSELF and make a change...All these people on the forum supporting your right to overeat don't have to sleep with you...50lbs overweight at 5'2" is to my mind human walrus territory and i'm sorry if that hurts your feeling, but maybe you need to take it and do something about it instead of getting others to validate your bad decisions for your sex life and health.... I'm just sayin'...

You can do it!

[carhill]

Carhill,

Are you saying that intimacy provides complete insulation to the physical reality of your spouse?

 

IME, as both a single man who's been in love and as a married man, the answer for myself is yes.

 

Each person's psychology is different. IMO, the key is examining one's own psychology, deciding what is healthy and changing what is unhealthy.

 

My stbx wanted/wants a driven, successful man. I was not that man, though quite comfortable. Ergo, not healthy for her, or so she deemed. Intimacy was not sufficiently insulative. The search continues.

[angie2443]

Getting old is inevitable. Gaining 50 pounds of fat isn't - it's a deliberate choice.

 

I don't think it's deliberate for most people. I've had the opposite problem. I've been, for the most part, a skinny person. People, men and women, can be nasty to people who they see as too thin also. At one point, I mannaged to put on the extra pounds. It was fun for a while, but very unnatural for me to eat the amount of food I had to to be so curvy. I gave it up. My body seems to be set on bieng skinny and it takes too much effort for me to fight that.

 

I imagine it is this way for many people who have trouble loosing the pounds. Their bodies are set to be a certain weight and it must be a constant battle to keep the weight off.

[mem11363]

TOD,

I am faced with this right now.

 

Last night I got gently poked at about my weight. She was bantering but she meant it.

 

So I am going to make the effort to change it as it makes wife happy. I really don't see this as a big deal. I KNOW she loves me. I KNOW she would never do anything stupid/cheat/divorce me over my weight. I KNOW she is not going to be nasty or mean about it. Would bet my life on that. She DOES HAVE a lust based preference. She is not a biatch about it. I do not feel put upon. There are many things she could ask me to change that would either be hard or impossible for me. This simply requires a small amount of daily effort.

 

James,

Are you saying that you would really have an issue if your wife told you to lose/gain weight so she was attracted to you? I admit that you are incredibly consistent and that this statement fits in with all your other posts. I am curious, would you be willing to do it? And if you lost the weight, and she proceeded to maul you in bed regularly would you be happy, conflicted or insulted that your fitness level impacted her desire so much?

 

MEM

 

 

I truly appreciate your honesty, empathy, intelligence and your dogged determination in your pursuit of answers to your situation and how you have answered others with such compassion. But Scrivdog is right..... If you knew your wife was not having sex with you because you had put on 50 lbs, you'd take it off for her, for your health and for YOUR SEX LIFE.

 

Sorry if you then felt trapped for doing so, you'd make the decision whether it was worth it.

 

Sorry for bringing you into this, but you have defended FO and frankly you of all people should resent her and her simple solution, which she refused to accept without fighting tooth and nail obsessing about.

[cheergirl]

LOL, neither has my stbx. Two businessmen and an accountant. She's done well for herself

 

I certainly have not done well for myself off my exes... Although I could have, I chose not to...

[carhill]

No worries. It all works out in the end

[Toodamnpragmatic]

TOD,

I am faced with this right now.

 

Last night I got gently poked at about my weight. She was bantering but she meant it.

 

So I am going to make the effort to change it as it makes wife happy. I really don't see this as a big deal. I KNOW she loves me. I KNOW she would never do anything stupid/cheat/divorce me over my weight. I KNOW she is not going to be nasty or mean about it. Would bet my life on that. She DOES HAVE a lust based preference. She is not a biatch about it. I do not feel put upon. There are many things she could ask me to change that would either be hard or impossible for me. This simply requires a small amount of daily effort.

 

James,

Are you saying that you would really have an issue if your wife told you to lose/gain weight so she was attracted to you? I admit that you are incredibly consistent and that this statement fits in with all your other posts. I am curious, would you be willing to do it? And if you lost the weight, and she proceeded to maul you in bed regularly would you be happy, conflicted or insulted that your fitness level impacted her desire so much?

 

MEM

 

I've read many of your posts and doubt you could have put on more then 10lbs (on a much larger frame) to draw ire from your spouse........

 

Actually I'd be much more distressed in your situation where such a small change could have a huge affect. In the OP, I also noted an earlier post where a female put on 10 lbs and her fitness obsessed husband was turned off a gorgeous still skinny female....

[JamesM]

If you knew your wife was not having sex with you because you had put on 50 lbs, you'd take it off for her, for your health and for YOUR SEX LIFE.

 

Sorry if you then felt trapped for doing so, you'd make the decision whether it was worth it.

 

Sorry for bringing you into this, but you have defended FO and frankly you of all people should resent her and her simple solution, which she refused to accept without fighting tooth and nail obsessing about.

 

Yes, I would do it. I didn't say I wouldn't. BUT....I would resent it if this is that important to her. And then I would be afraid that if I gained weight, then she would no longer want sex with me. However, if she had sex with me when she saw that I was losing it for her, then I think I would be more okay with the idea that weight meant that much to her.

 

Oddly knowing my wife, I could see her giving such a "decree," but she would also not cut me off until I reached the perfect weight. Once she saw that I took her seriously, I know that she would be encouraging me, and sex would not be withheld.

 

Back at the beginning, I did tell F_O to lose the weight to see if it really was the true reason for her husband's lack of interest in her. However, As I did then, I feel that if an outward appearance is used as a reason for giving or not giving of one's self to each other during the marriage, then the marriage has deeper problems than an overweight wife.

 

Last night I got gently poked at about my weight. She was bantering but she meant it.

 

So I am going to make the effort to change it as it makes wife happy.

 

Is she going to withhold sex if you do not meet her "demands?" If she is still going to treat you the same in bed, then with no malice, I can say that your situation does not compare to F_O's.

 

My wife has no problem telling me when I gain to much weight (and I need to lose twenty pounds now) or if my beard/mustache is prickly, or any other physical irritation/problem. However, it has never been a reason for not kissing or having sex. It has been a week since we had sex (sorry, I should keep a thread going of each time we have it. ), and we both have put on weight in the past few months. As one who appreciates sex with her (and yes, she enjoyed it, too), the sexual intimacy we share has never been about looks. It is truly an expression of my love for her...and I think vice versa.

 

Mem, the comparison can be made here if in a month or two, your wife says that she will no longer have sex with you until you lose a certain amount of weight.

 

James,

Are you saying that you would really have an issue if your wife told you to lose/gain weight so she was attracted to you? I admit that you are incredibly consistent and that this statement fits in with all your other posts. I am curious, would you be willing to do it? And if you lost the weight, and she proceeded to maul you in bed regularly would you be happy, conflicted or insulted that your fitness level impacted her desire so much?

 

MEM

 

Yes and no. If it were that simple, then yes, I would lose the weight. As I stated above, it would still bother me that my physical appearance is so important that she would shut down sexually if I did not meet certain standards. As carhill said, marital love transcends physical appearances with time.

 

The fear would remain that when I gained weight or began looking less than what she determined is best, then she would shut down again. THIS is where I have a huge problem with this whole "physical appearance is important because men are visual" thing.

 

My wife gained weight. I gained weight. What bothers me most about HER weight gain is who it has made her frustrated with herself and how it has made her more depressed. Her physical appearance does have an impact on me, but it does not make me shut down the desire to express my love for her sexually. I am willing to guess that if she thought her weight gain meant I would not have sex with her, then her next thought may be that I may seek out a slimmer woman as a fill in when I became impatient with her lack of losing weight.

 

IMO it is just one step from an affair when we set physical standards for our spouses. It becomes a seemingly justifiable reason for a spouse to use, when he or she says that "my overweight spouse won't lose weight, so she or he does not love me."

[PandorasBox]

"IMO it is just one step from an affair when we set physical standards for our spouses. It becomes a seemingly justifiable reason for a spouse to use, when he or she says that "my overweight spouse won't lose weight, so she or he does not love me."

 

 

I know this might be a little off topic but just wanted to throw this in there. I do think its important for people to have or maintain a healthy weight for lots of reasons. However, I had a friend of mine years ago, who was a personal trainer. She was fit as fit could be. Very toned, shapely, pretty, etc etc. Her husband didn't ask her to do this, it was her choice, her passion and lvoe for health and being fit. She taught yoga, and weight training at the local gym. BUT obviously weight or outward apparences wasn't an issuse with her husband. He ran all around on her. It didn't matter to him how toned and in shape she was was.

 

I know, and have seen some men or one in particular on here before, I can remember that did not believe a person could run around on a very pretty or handsome physically fit spouse. Well its true, it happens alot.