cheergirl Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Keeping in the context of what this is about "love", which, according to what's being said here, is supposed to be unconditional, everlasting and deep (esp with regards to the argument some are making as to why being heavy shouldn't matter) to me marrying for reasons other than loving the other person, i.e. financial status, looks, etc is superficial. Marriage means lots of different things to lots of different people... The marrying for "romantic love"(ie. sexual attraction) the Hollywood ideal is not always the most virtuous choice. I reckon a few folks here can attest to that... I think a lot of people here watch too many Hollywood/Disney movies.... Again, in keeping with my argument, I clarified that's about people who marry soley for money or soley for looks. Even in Hopeful1980's post where she states women will marry for money, isn't that less about the person they're marrying as a person and more about what that person can provide for them materially? I don't think use of the term superficial is incorrect. Marrying solely for money or solely for looks can be just as valid as long as both people know what's on offer, but again things are rarely this black and white.... Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 You say there's no solution to the problem and that's the part I don't get. If you continue to be rejected by your spouse, then you need to get out of the marriage. It really is that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Hell - if it was your children doing it the same is true. I flat out dispute the very notion of unconditional love that includes a clause which reads: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY. Exactly. Getting married does not give anyone a license to do whatever they want and expect the other person to simply accept it. Also true. It seems to me that FO's husband is not witholding sex, which implies punishment. Rather, he is stating that her weight gain has affected his attraction to her. This is legit, imo. Yes, much of what constitutes attraction is emotional, but there is also a physical component. When people marry it is "for better or for worse," but there is also an understanding that neither party will deliberately create a situation "for worse." In any event, it appears that FO's H is honoring his marriage vows. He is not leaving, nor is he looking outside the marriage for sex. He has simply acknowledged, upon being asked, that he is not as attracted to her as he once was. It is interesting to me that he is so harshly criticised for this, yet, FO states she initially lost weight as part of her plan to "land" him. Seems to me that her "bait and switch" is less consistent with the tenets of marriage than his acknowledgement that her obesity is not attractive to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I actually think it's not the physique itself that I would find bothersome. It's more the idea that my wife would deliberately let herself go like that witrh no regard to herself. I think if it were a result of some disease or accident, I could handle it. . A very frightening thought just occured to me - what if some women deliberately turn themselves into fat disgusting slobs just so their husbands stop demanding sex from them??? as in "Maybe if I gain 50 more pounds he'll stop bothering me and then everything will be a-ok in this marriage"? Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 When people marry it is "for better or for worse," but there is also an understanding that neither party will deliberately create a situation "for worse." In any event, it appears that FO's H is honoring his marriage vows. He is not leaving, nor is he looking outside the marriage for sex. He has simply acknowledged, upon being asked, that he is not as attracted to her as he once was. It is interesting to me that he is so harshly criticised for this, yet, FO states she initially lost weight as part of her plan to "land" him. Seems to me that her "bait and switch" is less consistent with the tenets of marriage than his acknowledgement that her obesity is not attractive to him. Yes. I really like the part that for "worse" is understood as the couple committing to withstand whatever hardships life throws at them. Deliberately not caring about the relationship is not such hardship - it's being a jackass. I am baffled by the common inability to understand that all action and inaction has consequences. If you get fat, your partner WILL lose attraction to you. If you neglect your wife, she WILL lose attraction to you. It is childish, and actually quite scary to delliberately try to get away with not pulling one's weight into a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 to delliberately try to get away with not pulling one's weight into a relationship. pun intended? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 A very frightening thought just occured to me - what if some women deliberately turn themselves into fat disgusting slobs just so their husbands stop demanding sex from them??? as in "Maybe if I gain 50 more pounds he'll stop bothering me and then everything will be a-ok in this marriage"? Psychologists believe that people do gain weight for this reason...especially those who have been sexually abused. Link to post Share on other sites
cheergirl Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Men have posted this issue over and over (lack of sex) and frankly the support does not come close to that shown FO,* who had as I have repeated over and over the simplest problem I have seen on this site.** What really amazes me is the men who complain about lack of sex in their marriage are also vociferous in their support of her and sayng the husband is shallow and uncaring to find their spouse (who they love) unappealing due to the weight gain.*** *There appears to be a very serious double-standard here and men seem to get the short end of the stick. The amount of bias against males is so disproportionate and grossly unfair that it would be laughable were it not necessary to keep the planet populated....War of the sexes, indeed...**I think folks have problems, but many don't want solutions. They want allies, co-conspirators who'll sympathize and take their side, rightly or wrongly. Misery loves company.***The men who take the OP's side, ok, I'm generalizing now, but I think they are in such an intolerable situation:( that they, or rather their (subconscious?)minds have been forced to make such an adjustment; to rationalize, twist, justify their own wives actions (eating too much) or lack of them(denying sex, staying reasonably attractive, not exercising/moving) towards them and are now able to (honestly!) project this (IMHO rather warped) mindset onto other males, as "being 'good husbands', accepting, understanding 'loving' of their wives". Even castigating other males who would dare to challenge their wives' behaviour. Thus ensuring a lot of positive feedback from other (I'm guessing overweight) women who are also in this situation... End result: women get justification, ("See, she gained 80 lbs and her spouse still has sex w/her!!! Why can't you be like that???) they get their own male cheerleader but sadly this doesn't help or change the reality those men/women are in... They are still stuck in their unhappy situations.. It's seems like emotionally unhealthy symbiotic realtionship that must provide some comfort for these unhappy folks... Online... Oh yes it also provides self-justification for the husband's own inadequacies and lack of control over his situation etc. In effect, it's a two-fold solution which absolves him of guilt for not being in control of is wife/life-situation, and gives him the appearance of a moral high ground. I think this is a domestic form of the Stockholm Syndrome.. Thoughts on a postcard please... Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 to repeat what I posted elsewhere: - A man starts a thread about how his wife has lost her desire for him. - He is told to change - do more housework, join a gym, romance her etc - A woman starts a thread about her husband losing his desire for her. - She is told that he needs to change. He needs to be more accepting of her and love her as she is. I really LOVE being a man. I love the adrenaline and testosterone and the built in aggression triggers. Nothing trumps that edgy tension I feel from looking at my wife and think about tearing her clothes off. And you can't change the fact that there is a large pool of enlightened adults in marriages that prize effort, intensity, passion and the inevitable conflict that arises between men and women. And you will never convince those people that chronic sloth is an acceptable marital behavior. *There appears to be a very serious double-standard here and men seem to get the short end of the stick. The amount of bias against males is so disproportionate and grossly unfair that it would be laughable were it not necessary to keep the planet populated....War of the sexes, indeed...**I think folks have problems, but many don't want solutions. They want allies, co-conspirators who'll sympathize and take their side, rightly or wrongly. Misery loves company.***The men who take the OP's side, ok, I'm generalizing now, but I think they are in such an intolerable situation:( that they, or rather their (subconscious?)minds have been forced to make such an adjustment; to rationalize, twist, justify their own wives actions (eating too much) or lack of them(denying sex, staying reasonably attractive, not exercising/moving) towards them and are now able to (honestly!) project this (IMHO rather warped) mindset onto other males, as "being 'good husbands', accepting, understanding 'loving' of their wives". Even castigating other males who would dare to challenge their wives' behaviour. Thus ensuring a lot of positive feedback from other (I'm guessing overweight) women who are also in this situation... End result: women get justification, ("See, she gained 80 lbs and her spouse still has sex w/her!!! Why can't you be like that???) they get their own male cheerleader but sadly this doesn't help or change the reality those men/women are in... They are still stuck in their unhappy situations.. It's seems like emotionally unhealthy symbiotic realtionship that must provide some comfort for these unhappy folks... Online... Oh yes it also provides self-justification for the husband's own inadequacies and lack of control over his situation etc. In effect, it's a two-fold solution which absolves him of guilt for not being in control of is wife/life-situation, and gives him the appearance of a moral high ground. I think this is a domestic form of the Stockholm Syndrome.. Thoughts on a postcard please... Link to post Share on other sites
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