His Needs vs. Her Needs- Can't Achieve Compromise

[justforfun]

I really believed she filed to shock him into coming back. When that didn't work, she finalized hoping that would be his wake up call (and because she was mad that we went away for a weekend). She has told the whole family (his family) that she regrets ever filing. I've heard that from both his mother and cousins. And I've overheard her on the phone with him saying she wants to reconcile, that she believes they can still work it out if he's willing to try. She tried to get him to agree to go to post-divorce reconcilation counseling, but he wouldn't agree to go.

 

I'm with you on this. I saw it as an obvious knee jerk reaction. A bucket of icy cold water...a slap in the face...a wake up call etc.

 

I absolutely don't have any feeling at all that it was because she want's rid of him.

[Brokenlady]

As I predicted, I'm getting the silent treatment now as punishment for trying to change the rules of his selfish little game. It's more maddening to me now, whereas it used to be very scary, his threats of abandonment. I wonder how long he'll let it go on. But I refuse to contact him out of principle.

 

If I've spoken to him for the last time, so be it. But I doubt it will last and am sure he'll eventually crack when he feels abandoned. The question is what do I do then? I am quite sure he'll either act like nothing happened or basically ask me to apologize for being such a pain in the neck, as that would follow his pattern. Both responses feel like crap to me.

 

I guess I'll ignore him until he says something on my voicemail to indicate that he's willing to stop being so darn selfish. The trouble with him though is he makes all kinds of lofty promises when he feels under threat of losing me and then it doesn't mean too much when he's comfortable again.

[justforfun]

Why are you still with him?

 

As I predicted, I'm getting the silent treatment now as punishment for trying to change the rules of his selfish little game. It's more maddening to me now, whereas it used to be very scary, his threats of abandonment. I wonder how long he'll let it go on. But I refuse to contact him out of principle.

 

If I've spoken to him for the last time, so be it. But I doubt it will last and am sure he'll eventually crack when he feels abandoned. The question is what do I do then? I am quite sure he'll either act like nothing happened or basically ask me to apologize for being such a pain in the neck, as that would follow his pattern. Both responses feel like crap to me.

 

I guess I'll ignore him until he says something on my voicemail to indicate that he's willing to stop being so darn selfish. The trouble with him though is he makes all kinds of lofty promises when he feels under threat of losing me and then it doesn't mean too much when he's comfortable again.

[jj33]

Broken, Im so sorry for your pain but youve gotten some very good advice here.

 

You know what you have to do.

 

1. Take off the ring. He is not ready in any way shape or form to be engaged.

 

2. Give it back to him (or sell it your choice).

 

3. Tell him you love him but it is clear he is not ready to begin to think about being married to you and the engagement was premature.

 

Yes yes you may lose him, but if this is his free ticket to reconcile with W, better to let him go do it now than to drag yourself through the mud with him any longer.

 

4. Tell him you want a future with him WHEN HE IS READY to treat you like a priority in his life and is reconciled to the divorce - ie when he is no longer raking her leaves!

 

I hate to say it, but you should have taken off that ring the MOMENT he thought of going back. THE MOMENT.

 

You have set a pattern in your relationship that its OK for him to be ambivalent, that its OK fo him to put you last. That is part of what happened in the A, but it IS time for him to change the way he treats you.

 

As others said, he knows that, he is just gaslighting you - whether intentionally or not, it doesnt matter. This is not the future you want for yourself.

 

And you need to STOP seeing him for awhile to change the dynamic. Staying and complaining will only reinforce his behavior. Hes behaving in an appalling manner and yet you are still there, moaning, but still there.

 

You need to show him how much you value yourself. That as much as you have invested in your relationship, you are willing to WALK AWAY because he is being an azz and that is not what you signed up for.

 

Until you show him that you value yourself more than the ability to breath the air he breaths, nothing will change.

[OWoman]

BL, I really feel for you!

 

Your story really illustrates the dangers of "pushing the MM off the fence". He didn't choose - his choice was made for him (by the BW filing). He's been rendered passive by this whole turnout, and is now paralysed by it.

 

He can't choose. He hasn't chosen. He's waiting for you, and his "x"W, to make the decisions and choices for him, so that he can continue to be a victim in his own life, letting mommy dress him in the mornings and blaming her when the other kids taunt him for his strange taste in sweaters.

 

If you're not prepared to challenge her to a duel, and let the winner have him fairly and squarely, this situation is not going to work for you. It's certainly not sustainable in its current form. I'd say you have two choices here:

1) dump him and find a guy who's prepared to prioritise you and to draw appropriate boundaries to protect that. He may man up to become that guy, or he may not - but either way, you'd be a partner rather than a mother.

or

2) get a hitman and make sure you're the only woman by removing the "competition". It might cost more, but it's likely to be less messy

 

Good luck!

[Brokenlady]

BL, I really feel for you!

 

Your story really illustrates the dangers of "pushing the MM off the fence". He didn't choose - his choice was made for him (by the BW filing). He's been rendered passive by this whole turnout, and is now paralysed by it.

 

He can't choose. He hasn't chosen. He's waiting for you, and his "x"W, to make the decisions and choices for him, so that he can continue to be a victim in his own life, letting mommy dress him in the mornings and blaming her when the other kids taunt him for his strange taste in sweaters.

 

If you're not prepared to challenge her to a duel, and let the winner have him fairly and squarely, this situation is not going to work for you. It's certainly not sustainable in its current form. I'd say you have two choices here:

1) dump him and find a guy who's prepared to prioritise you and to draw appropriate boundaries to protect that. He may man up to become that guy, or he may not - but either way, you'd be a partner rather than a mother.

or

2) get a hitman and make sure you're the only woman by removing the "competition". It might cost more, but it's likely to be less messy

 

Good luck!

 

Again, I think you're absolutely right. I've enabled him and I'm terribly sick of it. I was half-tempted to ask him what's up with the silence this morning, so thank you for reminding me why I need to just walk away.

 

I think that quite possibly I have already sacrificed enough of my dignity in all of this, so I figure I'm better off cutting my losses than hiring someone to cap her. Besides, his ex-wife is a victim of his crappy behavior too, there's no sense in taking out my rage on her. I'm keeping it squarely where it belongs, on him.

 

I didn't sleep well last night and awoke this morning to a forwarded email from him. Ironically, he recived it from his ex-girlfriend (ex of 20 years ago). It was this long list of "what's really important in life" stuff. Apparently this is his way of trying to tell me I'm wrong without sending an actual thoughtful email. It felt like an invitation to apologize to him, and really pissed me off.

[Brokenlady]

Broken, Im so sorry for your pain but youve gotten some very good advice here.

 

You know what you have to do.

 

1. Take off the ring. He is not ready in any way shape or form to be engaged.

 

2. Give it back to him (or sell it your choice).

 

3. Tell him you love him but it is clear he is not ready to begin to think about being married to you and the engagement was premature.

 

Yes yes you may lose him, but if this is his free ticket to reconcile with W, better to let him go do it now than to drag yourself through the mud with him any longer.

 

4. Tell him you want a future with him WHEN HE IS READY to treat you like a priority in his life and is reconciled to the divorce - ie when he is no longer raking her leaves!

 

I hate to say it, but you should have taken off that ring the MOMENT he thought of going back. THE MOMENT.

 

You have set a pattern in your relationship that its OK for him to be ambivalent, that its OK fo him to put you last. That is part of what happened in the A, but it IS time for him to change the way he treats you.

 

As others said, he knows that, he is just gaslighting you - whether intentionally or not, it doesnt matter. This is not the future you want for yourself.

 

And you need to STOP seeing him for awhile to change the dynamic. Staying and complaining will only reinforce his behavior. Hes behaving in an appalling manner and yet you are still there, moaning, but still there.

 

You need to show him how much you value yourself. That as much as you have invested in your relationship, you are willing to WALK AWAY because he is being an azz and that is not what you signed up for.

 

Until you show him that you value yourself more than the ability to breath the air he breaths, nothing will change.

 

I'm not wearing the ring today. It feels like a sham, and truly has since day one. At the time he gave it to me, it was a present for something else and he told me to keep it either way (sounds like he had much oncfidence in our relationship didn't it?). So you know what, I think I will. Screw him.

 

I honestly feel as though I've said everything there is to say. Contacting him now to say goodbye would only weaken my resolve and so I think it's best to just let it go. The last thing I said to him yesterday was that he got what he wanted - he had it both ways and that he got his needs met at my expense. He said he resents that I'm telling him to change his behavior with his ex-wife when he is not ready to do so. So we have a standoff. What else is there really to say?

[justforfun]

 

I honestly feel as though I've said everything there is to say. Contacting him now to say goodbye would only weaken my resolve and so I think it's best to just let it go. The last thing I said to him yesterday was that he got what he wanted - he had it both ways and that he got his needs met at my expense. He said he resents that I'm telling him to change his behavior with his ex-wife when he is not ready to do so. So we have a standoff. What else is there really to say?

 

Nothing. You're being rational here. You won't be able to get him to understand your side of things.

 

I'm not being mean but all the resolve in the world isn't going to help you. Remember you actually have to follow through. You may find that your words on here contradict your actions. I would say take it in baby steps. Don't think about the bigger picture of 'it's over'. Just ignore his emails as they come in. Switch off your phone if he calls. Does that make sense? Don't respond. No to-ing and fro-ing. Respond with no response to each thing he does or contact that he tries to make. Slowly step by step you can get through this.

 

Just a recommendation.

[Brokenlady]

Nothing. You're being rational here. You won't be able to get him to understand your side of things.

 

 

 

You know, the funny thing is that he said that he understands my point of view but that he sees things differently. He said that what I've asked him for isn't unreasonable, but he can't give it right now, so I should just sit back and be understanding. I think he gets it just fine. He's just way too selfish to give enough of a crap to do anything about it. But that's partly my fault because I've allowed it to be that way historically, his needs trumping mine. And I've let him make me feel unreasonable for wanting more from him for our realtionship and for myself. After all, this is so "hard" for him. My pain, apparently, is inconsequential.

[justforfun]

You know, the funny thing is that he said that he understands my point of view but that he sees things differently. He said that what I've asked him for isn't unreasonable, but he can't give it right now, so I should just sit back and be understanding. I think he gets it just fine. He's just way too selfish to give enough of a crap to do anything about it. But that's partly my fault because I've allowed it to be that way historically, his needs trumping mine. And I've let him make me feel unreasonable for wanting more from him for our realtionship and for myself. After all, this is so "hard" for him. My pain, apparently, is inconsequential.

 

You're right about everything. Except to add that he's a $h!te! He's no different now to when you were the OW. I know everyone says that will always happen but I'm not trying to role out those same old platitudes. But in your case it seems to ring true. He's saying the same things, playing the same games.

 

You're still the OW and the only way I can see it progressing is you becoming the WS (or partner) and his stbxw becoming the OW. Only she'll have more power than you did when you were the OW.

 

Not being mean. Just trying to make sense of it. I really do think you need to get out. You're needs aren't being met. And he can't meet them. You are entitled to change your mind about him for whatever reason. You don't have to stay because he left her or because this was supposed to work out and you're still hoping it will. You can move on from this mess, not without much difficulty, and be happier once you are on the other side of it.

 

I honestly think he is a dead loss. Nobody can truly change there inner self. They can become who they really are and change to align themselves with that. But sounds like he is being who he really is. The same person he has been all along.

 

I'm pointing out the obvious to you I know. But I'm still hoping it helps.

 

*now get back over to my thread and add some more of your sterling advice and observations ;):):laugh:*

[Brokenlady]

You are entitled to change your mind about him for whatever reason. You don't have to stay because he left her or because this was supposed to work out and you're still hoping it will.

 

It's not that I changed my mind. I have always known what I wanted. What's changed is my belief that he's both willing and able to give that to me. He isn't who I thought he was. And that's a sad realization. He's broken, and I can't fix him. He's a good person, but right now he just can't/won't meet my needs. It's been a long time, and I'm tired. I don't want to wait forever. As it happens, the only changes he's ever made were when he was shoved. And I'm tired of having to do that. Just once I'd like to feel like he chose me for me without hesitation, without worrying about his ex-wife first. Today is not that day, and tomorrow isn't looking good either.

[JamieA]

Brokenlady needs to change her name to "Hes a broken man"!

 

Lady, You're not broken. You're just too damn patient woman! You need to head off toward a new beginning.

 

You are a strong woman and this dude just somehow brought out the weakness in you. I see a strong woman in your postings. I see you walking away with pride in yourself. Don't let that weasel change what you are deep down inside.

[justforfun]

Good point! I hear you..I really do. You have such great insight into this it's fantastic. Is the hard part the actions you need to take to get where you now want to be? I get the impression that if you could take a magic pill and all your feelings and emotions for him were going you'd take two and fast forward to a time when you didn't give a damn and your life was back on track!

 

It really feels like you have a wonky wheel on your wagon. Him! That's the only think dragging you off the best course for you. (Pardon me but I love analogies).

 

So, how about, you stop the wagon. Change the wheel and get used to going in the direction you want to go. It's going to feel strange at first not having to adjust your steering to try and keep the wagon on track. But in time you'll get used to it and wonder how you managed to ride with that wonky old wheel.

 

I also have an annoying habit of taking analogies so far that I leave everyone behind looking at me with a puzzled look and questioning my sanity.

 

 

It's not that I changed my mind. I have always known what I wanted. What's changed is my belief that he's both willing and able to give that to me. He isn't who I thought he was. And that's a sad realization. He's broken, and I can't fix him. He's a good person, but right now he just can't/won't meet my needs. It's been a long time, and I'm tired. I don't want to wait forever. As it happens, the only changes he's ever made were when he was shoved. And I'm tired of having to do that. Just once I'd like to feel like he chose me for me without hesitation, without worrying about his ex-wife first. Today is not that day, and tomorrow isn't looking good either.

[justforfun]

Brokenlady needs to change her name to "Hes a broken man"!

 

Or 'So over this $h!te'...'Moving On Swiftly'..."Sane again'...'Realized my worth'.

 

Now you've got that song...."I can see clearly now the rain has gone..." playing in my head!

 

Here you can have it too!

 

 

I can see clearly!!

 

C'mon ladies..turn our speakers up and SING!!!

[Brokenlady]

Is the hard part the actions you need to take to get where you now want to be? I get the impression that if you could take a magic pill and all your feelings and emotions for him were going you'd take two and fast forward to a time when you didn't give a damn and your life was back on track!

 

Yes, that's exactly it. Of course my first choice would be to give him a pill to fix him and our relationship, but in the absence of that, I'll take the latter.

 

It really feels like you have a wonky wheel on your wagon. Him! That's the only think dragging you off the best course for you. (Pardon me but I love analogies).

 

There are some aspects of my life where he's been a good support. It's just that the cloud of insecurity overshadows it so much that it's hard to see sometimes. Most of the time I really don't think we have the same goal (because he seems to want to keep the status quo), but of course he says he will get there.....eventually, maybe. He definitely has his good points, but I'm someone who really needs security and not being able to deal with this enmeshment with his ex-wife feels like a deal-breaker. It's not like I haven't tried. I've put up with his exceptionally slow progress for a really really long time. And we still aren't that close to there yet. How much longer am i supposed to wait for the day that he stops shushing me and disrespecting our relationship with his ex-wife? And it is maddening that he still asks for my "patience".

 

I think this kind of thing is exactly why relationships that start as affairs tend not to work. Men don't let go of the marriage well, and that causes an inevitable rift with the former "other woman".

 

If I were a betrayed spouse, and I'm really feeling that way lately, I don't think anyone would fault me for giving up after this long of trying. If he's going to change, it isn't for me. That much is clear.

 

And I've learned a lot about myself. I'm only 36, so I figure I can still start over. But man is that idea scary.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Brokenlady

[justforfun]

Not to dismiss the seriousness of what you have said.

 

But have you played that song yet???

 

Yes, that's exactly it. Of course my first choice would be to give him a pill to fix him and our relationship, but in the absence of that, I'll take the latter.

 

 

 

There are some aspects of my life where he's been a good support. It's just that the cloud of insecurity overshadows it so much that it's hard to see sometimes. Most of the time I really don't think we have the same goal (because he seems to want to keep the status quo), but of course he says he will get there.....eventually, maybe. He definitely has his good points, but I'm someone who really needs security and not being able to deal with this enmeshment with his ex-wife feels like a deal-breaker. It's not like I haven't tried. I've put up with his exceptionally slow progress for a really really long time. And we still aren't that close to there yet. How much longer am i supposed to wait for the day that he stops shushing me and disrespecting our relationship with his ex-wife? And it is maddening that he still asks for my "patience".

 

I think this kind of thing is exactly why relationships that start as affairs tend not to work. Men don't let go of the marriage well, and that causes an inevitable rift with the former "other woman".

 

If I were a betrayed spouse, and I'm really feeling that way lately, I don't think anyone would fault me for giving up after this long of trying. If he's going to change, it isn't for me. That much is clear.

 

And I've learned a lot about myself. I'm only 36, so I figure I can still start over. But man is that idea scary.

 

That's what I thought. It's not the arriving that's the issue it's the scary part of starting and continuing the process. Your lives are probably so enmeshed now that it will be difficult. But do remember that a certain amount of fear can be exhilarating. Don't deny yourself that painful pleasure.

[OWoman]

I think this kind of thing is exactly why relationships that start as affairs tend not to work. Men don't let go of the marriage well, and that causes an inevitable rift with the former "other woman".

 

I think it depends on HOW the M ends. If there is a DDay and he's forced to make a choice - or a choice is made for him by the BW kicking him out - before he's ready to check out of the M (or even, if he doesn't want to) then he won't be ready to move on from the M. If, OTOH there is no DDay, but he comes to the realisation that he wants to leave the M (whether for the OW or not) and conveys this to the BW and acts on his decision, he's made a choice, acted on it and is in a better position to carry that through. If the decision is made for him, or taken out of his hands, or forced through circumstance, he hasn't really made an informed, thoroughly considered choice. It's far more likely under those conditions that he might change his mind, or vacillate, or sink into depression as the weight of his "powerlessness" crushes him.

[Brokenlady]

I think it depends on HOW the M ends. If there is a DDay and he's forced to make a choice - or a choice is made for him by the BW kicking him out - before he's ready to check out of the M (or even, if he doesn't want to) then he won't be ready to move on from the M. If, OTOH there is no DDay, but he comes to the realisation that he wants to leave the M (whether for the OW or not) and conveys this to the BW and acts on his decision, he's made a choice, acted on it and is in a better position to carry that through. If the decision is made for him, or taken out of his hands, or forced through circumstance, he hasn't really made an informed, thoroughly considered choice. It's far more likely under those conditions that he might change his mind, or vacillate, or sink into depression as the weight of his "powerlessness" crushes him.

 

He said he made a choice before D-Day, but did nothing to act on it until many months after D-day. He finally left her because I left him. That's what I mean by I have had to shove him along this whole way. He went along with the divorce unwillingly, because I put pressure on him. He would not have taken the initiative to file himself and so here again was a decision that was not really all his own. And so, your last point (bolded) is exactly right on target.

 

It really pisses me off when he acts so helpless, because sometimes it felt like he was the only of the three of us that had any real power. And he has said to me many times when I'd pressure him to straighten the mess out that he's so depressed he doesn't want to live, etc. That's a nice thing to say to your adoring fiance, isn't it?

[justforfun]

And he has said to me many times when I'd pressure him to straighten the mess out that he's so depressed he doesn't want to live, etc. That's a nice thing to say to your adoring fiance, isn't it?

 

Eugh...that's actually pathetic. So, he's saying that he would rather die than make a choice to be totally committed to the he loves?

[jj33]

OMG weve got a MARTYR on our hands.

 

LOOK what I did for you. YOU MADE me do it.

 

No you didnt make him do it. He decided to do it. He could have told you to p*ss off that he would do it when he was ready.

 

I feel for him (sort of) but what he is doing to you is SO unfair. He needs to man up - or stay home with his W and maybe she doesnt care if he mans up so long as he is home and the family is together?

 

Because chances are he isnt any different with her than he is with you...

 

Try not to worry or feel bad. This is all his stuff.

 

Big hugs I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

[Brokenlady]

OMG weve got a MARTYR on our hands.

 

LOOK what I did for you. YOU MADE me do it.

 

No you didnt make him do it. He decided to do it. He could have told you to p*ss off that he would do it when he was ready.

 

He sort of did do that (tell me to piss off til he was good and ready), but when I left him, he didn't like that, so he finally left her. It's pretty well deja vu of what he's doing now...basically saying its his way or the highway and I'm walking the highway.

 

I feel for him (sort of) but what he is doing to you is SO unfair. He needs to man up - or stay home with his W and maybe she doesnt care if he mans up so long as he is home and the family is together?

 

I think she has accepted that he's in love with me and not "in love" with her. But she believes he will fall "in love" with her again given sufficient time and removal from me. For the short term though, I don't think she cares why he moves back in with her, just so long as he does it.

 

Because chances are he isnt any different with her than he is with you...

 

Try not to worry or feel bad. This is all his stuff.

 

Big hugs I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

 

I have a hard time not taking this personally. He continually acts to sabotage our relationship to preserve parts of the marriage he claims he does not want to return to. It's like he really loved me when I let him do whatever he wanted and now that I have some expectations for him, I've gotten thrown off the pedestal.

 

Given that, and how he's now telling me that his marriage wasn't bad afterall, maybe he will go back to her. I mean, when your choice is no longer between a woman who worships you no matter what (me) and one who has lots of demands for you (his ex-wife), but between two women who have expectations of fidelity and loyalty, etc, he might as well be with the one that will make his kids happy right? Evidently he lived for many years without passion with her and I suppose he can do it again. I think our passion's pretty well dead now anyway - he's done a fabulous job of strangling the life out of it.

 

Either way, it's up to him. I have a life to lead. And it's high time I get to it.

[White Flower]

To be STILL the hidden OW, even after the divorce...to be shushed and interrupted by a phone call, to have your engagement a secret, to have him threatening to go back, no this cannot be.

 

To make it worse it sounds as though his ex wife is now taking your place as his confidant, his pleasure away from home.

 

It is still him wanting and insisting on having both. He just switched your roles.

Excellent post 2sure.

 

Your fiancé needs to understand that when it's over it's over. He doesn't need to spend one minute at his ex's house except to pick up children for visitation. He should have never D'd her if he was going to stay emotionally attached and invested.

 

It sounds to me like your guy enjoys having multiple Rs. Watch out, he may finally forget about her, marry you, and find a new OW. Counseling may be the only way for him to figure this out.

[Brokenlady]

Excellent post 2sure.

 

Your fiancé needs to understand that when it's over it's over. He doesn't need to spend one minute at his ex's house except to pick up children for visitation. He should have never D'd her if he was going to stay emotionally attached and invested.

 

It sounds to me like your guy enjoys having multiple Rs. Watch out, he may finally forget about her, marry you, and find a new OW. Counseling may be the only way for him to figure this out.

 

Sadly, he's been in counseling for over a year and a half. That's the only way he managed to make what progress he has made thusfar. It's just that he fights it. He therapist has told him that it's way past time to be visiting the kids at his house, away from his ex-wife, but he just doesn't listen. He says "no one understands" what he has to deal with. And the truth is, he can't really work in therapy something that he doesn't see as a problem. I've discussed this with him, and even he told me he hasn't adressed the issue of boundaries with his ex-wife with his therapist because it isn't something he feels needs to be fixed. He's content (having it both ways).

Edited November 17, 2009 by Brokenlady

[jj33]

"He sort of did do that (tell me to piss off til he was good and ready), but when I left him, he didn't like that, so he finally left her. It's pretty well deja vu of what he's doing now...basically saying its his way or the highway and I'm walking the highway."

 

Fine so he cant say YOU made him do anything.

 

Just my opinion but if he comes back in 2 days or 2 weeks and says please forgive me, Im ready to make you number one... send him packing.

 

Talk to him if you want but then tell him you wont trust it until he has time to process the issues, set and act on his boundaries and get to a place where he is living as a single (divorced) man.

 

Its not helping anyone for you to be the catalyst as he makes these changes in his life.

 

((Broken Lady))

[Brokenlady]

Still absolutely silent. I have passing thoughts of sending him a verbal thrashing, but I really don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me. The more I think about what he put me through (and what I allowed myself to put up with), the angrier I get. It's not even about dredging up the old stuff from when he was still with his ex-wife, just his treatment of me and our realtionship in the last month is enough to send anyone over the edge.

 

I still haven't cried, and if I feel it coming I just stop myself. I really figure I've already given him way too many tears. And what am I really losing anyway? A manipulative serial cheater who acknowledges that he's incredibly selfish and can't meet my needs. I guess I grieve more over the idea of who I thought he was than who he has shown himself to be.

 

I wonder if he'll go back to his ex-wife. I know he'll just cheat on her again. It makes me feel sorry for her. But I suspect she'll put him through the hell he so richly deserves. Is that terrible of me to think that way?