His Needs vs. Her Needs- Can't Achieve Compromise

[Brokenlady]

Well, it turns out the "flimsy illusion" he gives the kids to believe he and xW are still together when they're all in the old marital homestead isn't so flimsy. I recently discovered, to my horror, that DM and his xW are actively hiding the finalization of the D from the kids. I have seen the decree myself, it does exist, and I am flabbergasted at the denial.

 

Recently xW started dating. And apparently she's already talking about "step-dad" to the kids (after 2 dates!). So now DM is having full-blown panic attacks. I think it's because he's so worried about losing the already-strained relationship he has with the kids when Mr. Wonderful is in the picture. He's having to recognize that things are changing, he can't keep up this ridiculous illusion, and he can't cope. It's gut-wrenching.

 

The upshot is that xW is being more encouraging of the kids to visit with DM at his place, and she will likely continue to push him out of her home as she gets more deeply involved in dating. But it feels like it is against his will. If it were up to him, he'd keep things this way forever. I suppose I should be happy for the end result, but I can't help but feel really disturbed over all this.

 

I don't understand why he can feel so good about the illusion (it eases his guilt, he says) when he KNOWS how deeply it wounds me. The obvious answer is my feelings don't count. And I guess I ought to stop running from that fact.

 

I've set a bad precendent, and I think it's probably irreversable now - one where he thinks it's alright to marginalize my feelings and do whatever the hell he wants, no matter how selfish or hurtful.

 

On another note, I told him that I'm really bothered by the fact that they think it's ok to lie to their kids about the divorce. No wonder the kids are still so pissed about everything. They aren't being given the chance to have closure. Because the adults don't want closure. They're screwing the kids up to avoid dealing with their own demons, and I think that's really sad.

 

I'm feeling particularly morose today. But I have IC tonight, thankfully.

[Brokenlady]

Today feels worse than yesterday. More nonsense last night proving the point that he just doesn't "get it" and probably never will. I just have trouble wrapping my head around the idea that he has no empathy for anyone else at all. It is all him all the time. How can you knowingly do something that hurts someone you purport to love so deeply and come home cheerful at how great it made you feel? It just doesn't compute for me.

 

He said he has to do things his way in order to be able to cope and not end up in an institution. Yet, he doesn't seem to care much that his actions may lead me to an institution. I don't understand why he can't even sometimes take my feelings into account.

 

I don't understand how he can in good conscience tell me he is "trying" to distance himself from his xW when he clearly is not. He lies to my face about his intentions to move on ("I want you to meet my kids" - you know, the ones he is lying to about not being divorced, "I'm going to at least ask the kids to start visiting me at my house," "I'll start behaving like a guest and not a household member at my xW's house") All crap that I think he must know he has no intention of doing even as he says it. And then there's the promises he makes and means, until he doesn't. He's setting the stage to "accidentally" sleep over at his xW's house this weekend and is for sure already sleeping over Christmas Eve despite MANY MANY promises that he wouldn't ever sleep there again.

 

I started a pattern with him of remaining his "OW" in all the important ways and now I feel i can't fix it. I am so mad at myself and i will blame myself as this falls apart for the whole mess.

 

I can't eat again, and I can't function at work. And all the while he berates me because I am not "understanding" of what he's going through. (Translation: I don't want to change and you're making me feel guilty for being selfish, so knock it off). That none of his progress is ever good enough for me. (Translation: Please ignore the fact that the divorce was legal only and I refuse to set any boundaries at all. I want to keep pretending I'm married and have you as my girlfriend and it's pissing me off that you want me to give up my already-over marriage). He says he's fragile, and how dare I tell him I'm unhappy when he's so fragile. Like my cruelty knows no bounds. (It works though, I get feeling guilty for trying to assert my needs, and crawl right back in my little box on the shelf til he's ready to play with me again.)

 

I'm vasciallting between anger and deep sadness. My therapist said I clearly can't give him up cold turkey, so I can do it slowly. But how the hell do I do that? And goddamn it, why can't he just love me back the way I love him? (shaking fists into the air).