Chaosphynx Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) 1st post, need some guidance/thoughts please!! Need some major help, my fiancee of 4+ years (engaged for 1) recently admitted to being unfaithful with a guy she works(ed) with. She claims that it started in February with him hitting on her (telling her she is hot, that he wants her, etc.) and that it ended in late June or early July (she cant quite remember...right). To make matters worse, this is the guy she was seeing 4 years ago when we got together, but ended it to be with me. I have asked a million questions, and she claims she isnt lying, but during this time she lied to me about other stuff consistently. So I already feel insecure about what she tells me. Then she let the cat out of the bag that this was happening. She claims that from Feb to late May, she wasnt interested back, and that it was just him hitting on her, but she wouldnt say/do anything back. Then in late May until the beginning of July, she said she started to feel attracted back and began flirting (telling him she wants him, he's hot, etc.) back. She is adamant that all that ever happened was saying things like that, he would slap her behind, hugging, an occasional kiss on the cheek, hanging out on breaks, a few text messages, and flirting back when she hadnt before. But she didnt stop it from happening, instead she said that for 3.5 months she would never say anything back, just say "thanks" or walk away. And then the last month she felt attracted back and began returning the gestures. I dont know what to really believe, I love this girl with all my heart and want nothing more than to be with her, but at the same time; she always made me feel like she was the most faithful, trusting person Ive met/been with. She was even really paranoid about me doing these type of things when I wasnt, making it seem more so that she would never do those things to me if she was worried about them. I want to believe that nothing else like sex or kissing happened, which she says never ever did, and she wouldnt. But why would it go on for so long? She said she felt bad and liked the attention he gave her more, but still came home to me everyday and told me that she loved me, etc. and acted like nothing was going on. I so hurt and confused, up until now, I never would have thought her to be like this, and she claims she never has before and regrets it alot. At the same time, I feel like I dont know if she is lying to me about the actual details of what happened cuz she lied to me about another situation (not cheating) for months before telling me the truth, and I was upset the whole time...said she lied cuz she didnt want to hurt me. Now says she never stopped loving me, always wanted to be with me, and that she cant believe she acted that way (everything she was paranoid about)....but how could it have gone on that long, and nothing else happened. I dont want to think this way, but I love her so much, but my heart also tells me I am probably being niave, and that more than what she said did happen. Going crazy, cant stop thinking about it...and the fact that she let it go on for so long...even if she only said stuff back at the end for a month and then told him to leave her alone because she was starting to feel something for him, and didnt want to because she loved me, so she told him to back off. Am I incredibly stupid? Maybe she is telling the truth? I dont know what to believe!!?!?!? Sorry for the length of the post! Edited November 16, 2009 by Chaosphynx length Link to post Share on other sites
nobleguy Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 My ex loved little bits of attention on FB and it ended up with her dumping the kids with her sister one day and going to see one of them on her own at his place. She swore blind it was just as friends, but it fatally cracked the trust I had in her. Two years of real crap later and we are split up and she is with him. So much for her going on about how he meant nothing. I don't think she ever cheated, but once that trust has gone slightly and there are reasons to wonder, personally my (tentative) advice would be to get out. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I firmly believe I should have done the day she saw that guy. Would have saved me two years of my life, and it would have been my choice, not hers. Also, staying strong and telling her 'there there, it doesn't matter...we'll be fine...' just seemed to skew the boundaries even further towards whatever she wanted to do. I really believe we would still be together if I'd left (I'm certain I would have returned in a week or two) - it might have shocked her into truly realising how badly I had taken. I don't think she ever did understand the impact it had on me after the way I handled it. Link to post Share on other sites
onewillburn Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 It's a tough situation, but you have to realize that even if she isn't lying to you, she still disrespected you and broke your trust by allowing that kind of thing to happen. When she left this other guy to be with you, did she cheat on him with you? Those kinds of patterns never seem to change. My advice would be to try and put yourself in the position of an outsider. What would you advise your friend to do if he were in your shoes? It'd probably sound like a pretty dubious situation, which it is. So you can either continue to be with her and pull your hair out dealing with the ensuing paranoia, trust issues, and a possible unfaithful partner or you can save yourself the trouble in the long term and get out now. It'll be a tough decision, but you can't let people who are supposed to care for you disrespect you like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Thanks for your input, I feel torn, and I havent been telling her "there, there..itll be okay" She says that stuff, but rarley...it feels like I have to come to her for me being upset, feeling like it should be the other way around. I do know that I drive her nuts with a million questions, but I cant help it...she does say that she does want "us" more than anything and will do anything to restore trust in her. But, then I ask more questions cuz I feel like she wont come to me about it, just last night she said 'give her a chance to not feel overwhelmed' and I would feel/know it rather than trying to make her show me. I guess I can see that too, as it would feel more genuine coming from her, rather than me prodding for it. It is frustrating tho cuz she means so much to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 It's a tough situation, but you have to realize that even if she isn't lying to you, she still disrespected you and broke your trust by allowing that kind of thing to happen. When she left this other guy to be with you, did she cheat on him with you? Those kinds of patterns never seem to change. No, she refused to even kiss me until it was over with him. She also said that while this was going on recently, that they would hug, maybe a kiss a on the cheek....but she would always say to him "that she couldnt and wouldnt do more" (like actaual kissing or sex, etc.) I just wonder why she would be okay with it going on and actually returning the gestures for awhile if something like that didnt really happen. She claims she always wanted to be with me, even then, and feels ashamed that she even allowed herself to be attracted back, and say things back to him. However, she also said that he would hit on her for 3 months before she even started to say things back or tell him she wanted him or was thinking about him, and that after about a month of that, she told him to leave her alone because it was affecting her feelings for me and she didnt want that. I want to believe that, but obviously if it was for a month or so, wouldnt the fact that she even started mean it affected her feelings for me already? I cant believe it would take that long to realize, "hey, maybe this is wrong"...back and forth I go Link to post Share on other sites
nobleguy Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Yep. One of the things that annoyed me about my ex was the way she knew that I would be upset by men hitting on her constantly on FB, yet she never ever explicitly told them to back off. She didn't want to lose a 'friend' by doing that. It made me realise they were more important to her than I was. She should have thought about you and how you would feel if you found out about all this. It's taken her far too long to realise the issue here IMHO. Seriously, it sounds so similar to my situation, only worse... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 I feel that too, like how couldnt she realize it after 1 time? At the same time, I feel like an anxious wreck of the thought of not being with her, I feel like Im waiting for her to make it right, and wanting her to feel really wanted at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 1st post, need some guidance/thoughts please!! Need some major help, my fiancee of 4+ years (engaged for 1) recently admitted to being unfaithful with a guy she works(ed) with. She claims that it started in February with him hitting on her (telling her she is hot, that he wants her, etc.) and that it ended in late June or early July (she cant quite remember...right). To make matters worse, this is the guy she was seeing 4 years ago when we got together, but ended it to be with me. I have asked a million questions, and she claims she isnt lying, but during this time she lied to me about other stuff consistently. So I already feel insecure about what she tells me. Then she let the cat out of the bag that this was happening. She claims that from Feb to late May, she wasnt interested back, and that it was just him hitting on her, but she wouldnt say/do anything back. Then in late May until the beginning of July, she said she started to feel attracted back and began flirting (telling him she wants him, he's hot, etc.) back. She is adamant that all that ever happened was saying things like that, he would slap her behind, hugging, an occasional kiss on the cheek, hanging out on breaks, a few text messages, and flirting back when she hadnt before. But she didnt stop it from happening, instead she said that for 3.5 months she would never say anything back, just say "thanks" or walk away. And then the last month she felt attracted back and began returning the gestures. I dont know what to really believe, I love this girl with all my heart and want nothing more than to be with her, but at the same time; she always made me feel like she was the most faithful, trusting person Ive met/been with. She was even really paranoid about me doing these type of things when I wasnt, making it seem more so that she would never do those things to me if she was worried about them. I want to believe that nothing else like sex or kissing happened, which she says never ever did, and she wouldnt. But why would it go on for so long? She said she felt bad and liked the attention he gave her more, but still came home to me everyday and told me that she loved me, etc. and acted like nothing was going on. I so hurt and confused, up until now, I never would have thought her to be like this, and she claims she never has before and regrets it alot. At the same time, I feel like I dont know if she is lying to me about the actual details of what happened cuz she lied to me about another situation (not cheating) for months before telling me the truth, and I was upset the whole time...said she lied cuz she didnt want to hurt me. Now says she never stopped loving me, always wanted to be with me, and that she cant believe she acted that way (everything she was paranoid about)....but how could it have gone on that long, and nothing else happened. I dont want to think this way, but I love her so much, but my heart also tells me I am probably being niave, and that more than what she said did happen. Going crazy, cant stop thinking about it...and the fact that she let it go on for so long...even if she only said stuff back at the end for a month and then told him to leave her alone because she was starting to feel something for him, and didnt want to because she loved me, so she told him to back off. Am I incredibly stupid? Maybe she is telling the truth? I dont know what to believe!!?!?!? Sorry for the length of the post! Bro, I'm sorry to hear this. But in my honest opinion (I'm still young early twenties so take my advice for what it's worth) I feel that this girl probably had some relations with this guy from what you are telling me but she doesn't want to hurt you. Girls say the dumbest sh*t cause they feel it's the best thing to say at the time without thinking through the consequences. Then they start saying stuff that doesn't add up then you become paranoid and frustrated about why this girl you care about is treating you like this. Then all the questions come flying in about what did I do wrong? what does this guy have that I don't? why would she do this? she must be a hoe and I don't know about it? How long has this been going on? Why would she lie to me about how things between that guy and her are stagnant and it's nothing? But yet they lie and lie if you even ask those questions. Girls mess with mens minds and it's not fair at all. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Bro, I'm sorry to hear this. But in my honest opinion (I'm still young early twenties so take my advice for what it's worth) I feel that this girl probably had some relations with this guy from what you are telling me but she doesn't want to hurt you. Girls say the dumbest sh*t cause they feel it's the best thing to say at the time without thinking through the consequences. Then they start saying stuff that doesn't add up then you become paranoid and frustrated about why this girl you care about is treating you like this. Then all the questions come flying in about what did I do wrong? what does this guy have that I don't? why would she do this? she must be a hoe and I don't know about it? How long has this been going on? Why would she lie to me about how things between that guy and her are stagnant and it's nothing? But yet they lie and lie if you even ask those questions. Girls mess with mens minds and it's not fair at all. Thebob Thats what Im so afraid of, she lied about it all...swore up and down that she wasnt, ......then told me "the whole story", and again swears up and and down she isnt lying.....I feel like no matter how hard I try, I might not ever know the complete truth...and I love this girl with my whole heart, would do and give anything for her. Link to post Share on other sites
nobleguy Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Thats what Im so afraid of, she lied about it all...swore up and down that she wasnt, ......then told me "the whole story", and again swears up and and down she isnt lying.....I feel like no matter how hard I try, I might not ever know the complete truth...and I love this girl with my whole heart, would do and give anything for her. I was the same. When I should have got out I didn't out of loyalty to her and the children. A big mistake on my part. I honestly think it would have made us stronger in the long run if I had left and given her something to really think about. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Get the book: "love must be tough" by james Dobson. Read past the religious stuff if need be for there is good information in it. If she is disrespecting the relationship and you now at little things and you allow it, when bigger challenges and temptations come to her it will be easier for her to give into them. You have to make a decision how much of your self respect will you compromise to keep her in the relationship but remember once you make that compromise it is very hard to go back. Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 it sucks and I know. Life isn't fair at all, and its a grind each and everyday. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 it sucks and I know. Life isn't fair at all, and its a grind each and everyday. Thebob you turned out to be absolutley right. i was going to the jewelry store to pick up her engagement ring (she has had it for quite awhile). We finally decided to get it engraved. When I picked it up, I still felt in my heart she wasnt telling me the whole truth. Your first post was right, completely right. I thought to myself, Im not going to give the ring back to her until she tells me the whole truth. When I picked her up from work, I did just that...and she got stressed out, and then really quiet. We sat at home for 3 hours and all she did was lay by me and didnt say a word. I went to class at 5pm, and when she picked me up...she was still dead quiet. We got home, and still the same and all she would do is lay by me and not look at me. After an hour, I sat up and said "I deserve to know the truth"...she looked at me said I love you so much...and then for the next 12 hours until the next morning I made her (although she was willing this time) to go through everything that had been making me upset for the last 4 months. And then she dropped the bomb, she claims the time period was right, but that she did cheat (sexually, physically) 10-12 times...know for the first time in months she actually acts upset and keeps saying "I dont wanna loose you" I havent given her ring back, and its only been 1 day, and I havent told her we are still together yet either. She freaked out last night when I wouldnt kiss her, and know we are at the current. I really dont know what to do or say, I love her yet, I still want her....but at the same time I feel like she doesnt deserve a second chance or my love. Especially since this took 4 months of pain and lies, and HER getting upset at me for questioning her or the relationship...the phrase "I've only had eyes for you" repeats over and over in my head. Somehow I knew it in my heart, and your post made sense....but part of me still had that blind trust. She knows she really damaged that know, and is saying she would do anything not to loose me and regain my trust and respect. Im at a complete loss at what to really do, what is right and what I want to do are two different things... Link to post Share on other sites
nobleguy Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Im at a complete loss at what to really do, what is right and what I want to do are two different things... Dump her. Get out. Take some time to yourself and think about this. The paranoia will never ever go away and it will be a driving force between you. If she continues to make efforts to make amends then maybe just maybe think about a second chance or reconcilliation. She has to believe she has lost you before you will know for sure how she feels about you. Hard to do and I didn't have the guts to do it when I should have. But I wish I had now . Link to post Share on other sites
almostpassedit Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 its over, your girl friend is a slut and look... she has a husband who lets her cheat on him... she'll do it again and again and again and sooner or later, she's going to find someone equal or better than you whom she feels she can have a life with and when that happens, its Good-Bye or more like "Its all your fault and your a stalker, I hate you!" your so nice... you let your girlfriend put other cocks in her mouth... what a great husband! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 Dump her. Get out. Take some time to yourself and think about this. The paranoia will never ever go away and it will be a driving force between you. If she continues to make efforts to make amends then maybe just maybe think about a second chance or reconcilliation. She has to believe she has lost you before you will know for sure how she feels about you. Hard to do and I didn't have the guts to do it when I should have. But I wish I had now . I am so torn, she thought I did dump her when I took the ring away, but I never left or made her leave. She keeps telling me that if I give her a second chance, her regret and feeling of loss in my trust and respect makes her know that she would never act that way again. Additionally, she says she would do any and everything for as long as it takes to not loose me, and she wants a second chance to proove that, and if I give it to her I wont be dissapointed. I told her that part of me feels that giving her a second chance would only reinforce her behavior as okay, and she says she knows how terrible of a person she is and a chance would make her know that she screwed up..."the best relationship Ive ever had, that I dont want to loose it, and would never ever do those things again because I feel like such a terrible person that I could never do those things to you again or want to." This is making me sooo anxious Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 its over, your girl friend is a slut and look... she has a husband who lets her cheat on him... she'll do it again and again and again and sooner or later, she's going to find someone equal or better than you whom she feels she can have a life with and when that happens, its Good-Bye or more like "Its all your fault and your a stalker, I hate you!" your so nice... you let your girlfriend put other cocks in her mouth... what a great husband! Wow...you made my heart jump a beat. I didnt want her to or let her, I feel like Im gonna loose it. I hate this part of me that feels like "what if" and she wouldnt do it again...*sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
Ody Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 The next time you have some time to yourself in the apartment, pack up your important stuff and just go. Stay with a friend, stay with your parents, stay at a hotel. You can figure out the rest of the logistics later. No negotiation with her. In fact, take a day off work or class so you can have the time you need. Get out of there, ASAP. The fact you had to force the truth out of her is the straw that breaks the camel's back. This was not a one time mistake it was an ongoing thing and she only fessed up when cornered. I don't think you should even think about reconcilation in this case. Good luck. PS Do not give the ring back. You may need this to help pay for the hotel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 The next time you have some time to yourself in the apartment, pack up your important stuff and just go. Stay with a friend, stay with your parents, stay at a hotel. You can figure out the rest of the logistics later. No negotiation with her. In fact, take a day off work or class so you can have the time you need. Get out of there, ASAP. The fact you had to force the truth out of her is the straw that breaks the camel's back. This was not a one time mistake it was an ongoing thing and she only fessed up when cornered. I don't think you should even think about reconcilation in this case. Good luck. PS Do not give the ring back. You may need this to help pay for the hotel. This all seems like the best advice, I just dont know how to make myself do it, the thought of not seeing her again even after all this is completely devastating to me. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Take this how you will... any time I've ever given a second chance to a cheater/liar its always happened again. Not only happened again but, more frequent and fewer time between the cheating. She has zero respect for you or your well being or this never would have happened once! 12 times? Sure thing..I believe that also.. your trust for her is gone. How are you going to feel when she's late getting home? Out with her "friends" and her cell battery's dead? From here foward your life with her will be filled with "fears" of what/where/who,ect.. that's no way to live with someone you should be able to trust with your heart. Not only can you no longer trust this "women" with your heart, you can't trust her to go to the corner store alone for a carton of milk. Move on before she hurts you again...and again...again....and again. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Also remember... cheaters are trash and trash goes by the curb! Link to post Share on other sites
Ody Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I just dont know how to make myself do it I highly recommend rebound sex with someone else. It will do wonders for your battered self esteem. Probably need to wait a few weeks though before that. No one here will lie and tell you this will not be extremely difficult. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 This is so crazy, you are all right and I should kick her to the curb, I go into a panic attack thinking about her face and how I wouldnt or might not see it again. I dont know why I feel this way, but I feel like if I did leave to give myself time...she would just say or think she didnt want it anyway because she has hurt me so bad. This is so confusing, I cant make a decision cuz either way I feel so f*ed up Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chaosphynx Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 I highly recommend rebound sex with someone else. It will do wonders for your battered self esteem. Probably need to wait a few weeks though before that. No one here will lie and tell you this will not be extremely difficult. Good luck. I feel that I'm already 27 and that I wont find someone that I think is as attractive (physically) I used to think she was mentally attractive as well, that is scarred but even typing this makes me feel like I would miss her terribly. I honestly havent even considered another woman attractive in that way for so long Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 This is so crazy, you are all right and I should kick her to the curb, I go into a panic attack thinking about her face and how I wouldnt or might not see it again. I dont know why I feel this way, but I feel like if I did leave to give myself time...she would just say or think she didnt want it anyway because she has hurt me so bad. This is so confusing, I cant make a decision cuz either way I feel so f*ed up If this had never happened to you at all but, it happened to your best friend instead. What would your advice be to that friend? Link to post Share on other sites
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