Recently found out financee lied/unfaithful

[nobmagnet]

I feel for you I really do. It is a dreadful situation to be in and my god it must hurt.

 

Even though she is pregnant it doesnt mean you cannot find some space alone/with a freind to work out your feelings (without seeing her) A pregnacy lasts for 9 months you know and that is a very long time to either heal or get marriage guidence or indeed realise your trust limitations and move on. As you already have a child you understand the complications but beleive me staying together for the sake of a child never works. Its not your fault and unfortunately you have the added guilt of leaving a pregnant woman.

 

If i was your freind i would suggest you came and stay a while and talk through all your feelings when they happen because another ****ter is your feelings will change daily! soz but they do. What she did to you was unforgiveable and I wonder why she told you in the first place. Did she know she was pregnant when she confessed? To me i would think she did know. It puts a very manipulitive slant on things its as though she regretted it and thought that if you had a baby together then you wouldnt leave her when you found out.

 

Children are gift wether you are with her not you will be a great dad. I dont think it would be a great idea to include the baby in you decisions.

 

It is nigh on impossible to trust a partner who cheats again there will always be occasions when you see the signs or think you see the signs and it will eat you up and distroy your self asteam.

 

please take sometime to think clearly

 

best of luck x

[Chaosphynx]

I feel for you I really do. It is a dreadful situation to be in and my god it must hurt.

 

Even though she is pregnant it doesnt mean you cannot find some space alone/with a freind to work out your feelings (without seeing her) A pregnacy lasts for 9 months you know and that is a very long time to either heal or get marriage guidence or indeed realise your trust limitations and move on. As you already have a child you understand the complications but beleive me staying together for the sake of a child never works. Its not your fault and unfortunately you have the added guilt of leaving a pregnant woman.

 

If i was your freind i would suggest you came and stay a while and talk through all your feelings when they happen because another ****ter is your feelings will change daily! soz but they do. What she did to you was unforgiveable and I wonder why she told you in the first place. Did she know she was pregnant when she confessed? To me i would think she did know. It puts a very manipulitive slant on things its as though she regretted it and thought that if you had a baby together then you wouldnt leave her when you found out.

 

Children are gift wether you are with her not you will be a great dad. I dont think it would be a great idea to include the baby in you decisions.

 

It is nigh on impossible to trust a partner who cheats again there will always be occasions when you see the signs or think you see the signs and it will eat you up and distroy your self asteam.

 

please take sometime to think clearly

 

best of luck x

 

I do not think she "knew", she was a week late already when she did confess, and this was the same day I withheld the ring from her after it was engraved. 2 1/2 weeks before this (Oct 31st-Nov.1) is when she told me "the whole truth" (everything but the cheating)....she said she felt somewhat relieved by doing this....but that it didnt last, and soon she felt torn by guilt again. She said she did plan to continue to hide it if she could, but when I came to work that day and told her I deserved to know the truth about the person I want to marry and wouldnt give the ring back until I felt I did....later that night after school after I said nothing but "well?"....she got anxious and waited around 15 minutes crying before she said "okay" the ensuing conversation lasted 12 hours...of course I had intermittent wtf questions, but she claims she went through the whole thing. Two days later (Thurs. Nov 19th) she took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I do not think it was her intention to confess because of pregnancy.

 

Just 15 minutes ago she came back from break, balling that "she f*cked up the best thing she ever had, she feels overwhelming guilt, and she cant believe she f*cked up her life this bad, and now she is pregnant, and cant stand the thought of me not thinking of her as I used to" I was quiet the whole time, a small part of me felt sorry, but I felt overwhelming in-satisfaction for her words. Now Im typing this and I feel like I always end up....completely torn and in agony. I wish I had more close friends nearby, I would go there now. Unfortunately, I was so invested in this relationship I lost contact with people, and would feel awkward even trying to go to someone. I feel really lost and alone, this thread sadly being my only friend at the moment.

[nobmagnet]

well im not too sure what other people would feel about this but if your feelings are so very strong for her and you are very strong they maybe this could work.

 

I would like to know if her tears are for the hurt she has caused you or for herself. There is a definate distinction between the two.

 

I think relationship councilling is a must if there is any future in it as you both need to understand why it happened in the first place and you both need to be honest or it wont work. They will help you learn to talk properly.

 

take your time please dont let her rush you by her guilt or indeed play you as it is obvious you have very deep feelings for her but you need to be able to have self respect.

 

xx

[Chaosphynx]

I just realized something really sad, when I was picking out her engagement ring (beginning of June), this was middle of the time she was cheating on me...I waited 2 1/2 long moths to give it to her on our anniversary in late September. And she was soooo happy and full of smiles on that day, said "this is always what I imagined it would be like since I was young", I even told her I picked it out in June....wow so she would have to look at that ring and know that I picked it out while she was cheating on me, probably the very same day. I would even drop her off at work...the usual "I love you and kiss goodbye" and since they only had 45 minutes to screw around and actually open the store...this means I dropped her off, 15 minutes later she is with someone else, and before I picked her up I spent all day picking out the ring....just to go home, go to sleep, wake up and take her to work again say "I love you, have a good day" and have her do it all over again, if she opened the store....of course the days she wouldnt have to go in so early other people were there...."but I never did anything with him unless we were alone and opening together" How could she forget she told me she loved me just 15 minutes prior to doing this stuff, kissing me as well. This is unbearable

[Chaosphynx]

well im not too sure what other people would feel about this but if your feelings are so very strong for her and you are very strong they maybe this could work.

 

I would like to know if her tears are for the hurt she has caused you or for herself. There is a definate distinction between the two.

 

I think relationship councilling is a must if there is any future in it as you both need to understand why it happened in the first place and you both need to be honest or it wont work. They will help you learn to talk properly.

 

take your time please dont let her rush you by her guilt or indeed play you as it is obvious you have very deep feelings for her but you need to be able to have self respect.

 

xx

 

I also would like to know for sure where the tears come from, she starts to cry when she says things like "I really do love you" and "I miss the way you used to look at me" or "Im so sorry I am causing you all this pain" This morning as stated ina previous post, she woke up and started crying....saying "she f*cked up the best relationship she ever had" and that now she is pregnant and feels so ashamed that she screwed up her life this bad and feels entirely overwhelmed. So I guess it could be both, Im not sure, I am sure she watched me cry and be upset for 2 months while I felt she was lying to me, with little to no tears....but she claims it was because she was feeling so guilty and hiding more things from me and was starting to figure them out on my own and it made her scared she was gonna loose me, and she had to manage all these lies. Now she has cried everyday since telling me about the cheating....whats it been 4.5 days since the hammer dropped, even more so since she found out she is pregnant. It feels like weeks already

[nobmagnet]

you are killing yourself with this thought process you are going through. I sugesst you go and have a long walk or read a book for a while to change thesubject and have a rest.

 

I have been through what you are feeling right now and still do i suppose but it aint healthy and it isnt achieving anything by tormenting yourself.

 

I find it helpful to write my feelings down and date them. Be honest in them even if it is slagging her off (hide them) it helps to clarify your feelings. When i have a megga rant these days I am amazed how quickly they pass.

 

x

[nobmagnet]

p.s sorry to say this but she should be very ashamed.

[Thebob]

See this is what makes me sick, what goes through girls mind? what can that guy possibly prove to her that it allows her to cheat on you? What did he say and do in order to achieve sex/random hook up with your girl who says, " she loves you with all her heart"? Honestly those guys must have the best game in the world to pick up a girl that you are engaged to. Or the other way around is that your girl is an absolute hoe bag and she has done this with more than one guy. Some people make me so sick, and she is one of them. I'm sorry for being harsh.

 

Thebob

[Chaosphynx]

See this is what makes me sick, what goes through girls mind? what can that guy possibly prove to her that it allows her to cheat on you? What did he say and do in order to achieve sex/random hook up with your girl who says, " she loves you with all her heart"? Honestly those guys must have the best game in the world to pick up a girl that you are engaged to. Or the other way around is that your girl is an absolute hoe bag and she has done this with more than one guy. Some people make me so sick, and she is one of them. I'm sorry for being harsh.

 

Thebob

 

I have thought this too when my anxiety turns to anger for a brief moment, and then I see her face, or a picture of us, or just her, or see her name and it just makes me feel love...and an intense feeling of "why" and "wtf" and what the hell am I gonna do. I have had thoughts this morning of "what if I never find another like her in the aspects of everything that was/or seemed so perfect"

[nobmagnet]

I dont understand it either and I agree some people make me sick too with their terrible lack of respect.

 

I hate to break it to you honey but anybody that can cheat isnt worthy of your respect or sympathy. I should imagine it is all too raw as your whole world has collapsed over the last week (two months really) She isnt perfect in fact i would go a bit further and say she is foolish shortsighted and cruel. She may have been the perfect girl in your eyes for the last 4 years but you never really know another person that well.

 

Try to think of yourself. "what do I need" "can I ever move on from this" etc

 

as you have said yourself she is capable of lying

 

Men have come on to me in the past and I have laughed and said oooooooh its nice of you to ask but I am in a relationship. Its not rocket science to say no and not allow yourself to do that to someone you are supposed to love.

 

My ex did this to me too. 9 weeks ago i found out he had been porking the payroll confonted him and then kicked him out. I cant beleive it now but I was prepared to forgive him because I was frighted of mine and the kids future. I felt like this right up until yesterday to be fair not all the time but i am terrified. I realised yesterday I would never be able to forgive him as it isnt the first time and would never be the last. He is on a holiday with his new girl whilst me and the kids have to sell our home downsize considerably whilst he...............well.

 

I think what I am trying to say is yes you might be able to forgive her as I did mine but its like putting an elasterplast on a broken leg it will never heal properly and probably will breakk again.

 

nobody that you find in the future will be perfect because nobody is. Freindship, compromise will be out there. There are many more people out there capable of faithfulness like yourself and myself.

 

x

[Chaosphynx]

 

Men have come on to me in the past and I have laughed and said oooooooh its nice of you to ask but I am in a relationship. Its not rocket science to say no and not allow yourself to do that to someone you are supposed to love.

 

x

 

 

That's what I dont get, for 3 months he hit on her and she said no, but she liked the attention, she claims he was persistent and that she finally gave in and was attracted back...but she never even told me he was hitting on her in the first place, then for a month she cheated and realized "it was pointless" that is what she told me.....she also said she realized this after the last time time they "attempted" to have sex. That they tried twice and that both times he "put a rubber on" and then got "floppy" exact words that came out of her mouth....then she said for him to leave him alone as she didnt want feelings for him, then saying she wanted to focus on us and "spark" something, willing to hold on to the secret forever until I questioned her so much, but that took 2 months of her being quiet, and 2 more months of me questioning her until the guilt became too much to bear....so she claims. I just dont know how to accept it, she even said the first few times he tried to kiss her, she pushed him away "because it felt wrong" and the third time..."she felt vaulnerable and gave in" but for the next 1.5 months!?!?! and for it to escalate into pretty much sex!?!!? I just dont get why if she knew it wasnt going anywhere (she says she knew she never wanted to be with him, she just became attracted, and says she knew she still wanted to be with me) why would it go on for that long and realize "its pointless"....if she thought it was wrong at first and knew it wouldnt go anywhere, nor did she want it to, wouldnt it have been "pointless" the entire time?!?!!? I JUST DONT GET IT

[nobmagnet]

I dont get it either. Some people are needy my ex was. It didnt matter how much emotional support he has he needed more. He (i imagine) was needing alot and she was there. It is not an excuse. It is a big failing on thier part.

 

She told you so much it must bring up the most awful visions and Iwould have been horrified she only made her mind up after he couldnt get it up!!!! she sound alot more selfish and needy than you must have thought.

[Chaosphynx]

I dont get it either. Some people are needy my ex was. It didnt matter how much emotional support he has he needed more. He (i imagine) was needing alot and she was there. It is not an excuse. It is a big failing on thier part.

 

She told you so much it must bring up the most awful visions and Iwould have been horrified she only made her mind up after he couldnt get it up!!!! she sound alot more selfish and needy than you must have thought.

 

 

That is almost exactly what she said, "I turned into the person I hated and feared the most" She would go on and on about others cheating and how it made her sick, like a different co-worker "I cant believe she is cheating on him, he his such a nice person" She would even get upset if another girl even talked to me and smiled....we'd walk away and shed "well she obviously thinks youre cute/wants you/flirted with you" I felt for the longest time that she was the most sincere, selfless, thoughtful girl I'd ever met. She said that she became selfish, wrapped up in herself, secretive, and deceitful (obviosly a cheater too, which she ALWAYS said she feared the most because it was done to her in the past) So how does a person who is the opposite of these things become that way in the course of a year?!!? She says she cant believe and never thought she would be "that person" This is her longest relationship, and the "best", she claims, and keeps saying that she became all the things she feared to the person she was with the longest and "had the most with, and never wanted to loose"....Over and over..."I cant believe I became that person, especially to you, and I dont ever want to be that person again" "I cant believe what I did to you, the things that were always done to me and that I feared and hated so much"

[McGrupp]

1) if they cheat once they will cheat again

 

2) cheaters usually project onto others, hence her talking about others cheating

[nobmagnet]

Mr McGrupp is correct. Cheaters are often the ones that are insecure because they assume it will be done to them because no matter what she says she probably has done it before in a previous relationship.

[Chaosphynx]

1) if they cheat once they will cheat again

 

2) cheaters usually project onto others, hence her talking about others cheating

 

 

Is number 1 always that way? Has anyone ever cheated and not done it again? What if she does mean it? Or maybe she means it now, but it will change again?!? Why after 3.5 years start cheating? Im so torn, 1 way: I tell her to leave and she wouldnt cheat again....antoher way: I tell her to stay and she doesnt again.....or: I tell her to stay and she would again

 

I just wish I knew if she was sincere or not, but she has lied so much, I run constant circles in my head. Then I think of her face, and its sweet....and then I think of face on somebody else and its terrifying. Then I think she is pregnant, then I think that shouldnt matter if she did all these things. This is worst place to be in, sometimes Im shocked Im talking about myself

[McGrupp]

it is tough. no one can tell you what exactly to do. if i was you i would go stay at my familys/friends house, tell her i need some time to myself and dont contact her and take that time. really think about what you want, and let these emotions kind of die down. take at least 3-5 weeks. maybe more. she is early in the pregnancy, so she should be ok...

 

if she respects your space thats also a big tell tale sign...

[Chaosphynx]

it is tough. no one can tell you what exactly to do. if i was you i would go stay at my familys/friends house, tell her i need some time to myself and dont contact her and take that time. really think about what you want, and let these emotions kind of die down. take at least 3-5 weeks. maybe more. she is early in the pregnancy, so she should be ok...

 

if she respects your space thats also a big tell tale sign...

 

 

Can you elaborate on your last point? Meaning if she just says "ok" Ill go thats good? Or if she tries to stay thats good, like sincerity? Im so confused

[nobmagnet]

you dont have to make any decisions just yet. Take a deep breath. This will get sorted and either way the sun will come up tomorrow and you will be happy again.

 

Try to stop winding yourself up with everything that is on your plate at the same time. I know your head is swimming with too much information and you need to try to relax a little. It is not the end of the world but its horrible. If i could help ease your pain I trully would.

 

I am sure there are people out there that cheated once and didnt again...............i just havent met one!!!! hee hee

 

I am sure she is beutiful otherwise other men wouldnt of hit on her but the world is full of beutiful people inside and out. Cut yourself a little slack........have some choclit! run a bath, put angry music on DEFFO NO SLUSHY. I would even contemplate "Losing her favourate thing" then have a little giggle.

 

my mate sent me a text that made me smile as it is him

 

" you are invited to the Premature Ejaculation AGM

 

Dress code...............cum in your pants"

 

sorry if thats inappropriate but it hurts me to hear you in such distress x

[McGrupp]

well, to elaborate, if you say you need some time off and she begs and pleads for you to come back during that time, she is selfish.

 

but if she respects you and gives you the space, then she is in a better place.

 

im not saying this is a huge thing, or you should take space to see what her reaction is, not at all. just a little thing i guess. she will probably do the former like most do...

[Miad's Princess]

It's not always the case of once a cheater always a cheater.

I am proof of that.....but she has to want to change from the inside out, otherwise she will continue as before.

 

It is possible, but it's up to her at the end of the day.

 

P.s When she has the baby will you have a dna test done?

[Chaosphynx]

you dont have to make any decisions just yet. Take a deep breath. This will get sorted and either way the sun will come up tomorrow and you will be happy again.

 

Try to stop winding yourself up with everything that is on your plate at the same time. I know your head is swimming with too much information and you need to try to relax a little. It is not the end of the world but its horrible. If i could help ease your pain I trully would.

 

I am sure there are people out there that cheated once and didnt again...............i just havent met one!!!! hee hee

 

I am sure she is beutiful otherwise other men wouldnt of hit on her but the world is full of beutiful people inside and out. Cut yourself a little slack........have some choclit! run a bath, put angry music on DEFFO NO SLUSHY. I would even contemplate "Losing her favourate thing" then have a little giggle.

 

my mate sent me a text that made me smile as it is him

 

" you are invited to the Premature Ejaculation AGM

 

Dress code...............cum in your pants"

 

sorry if thats inappropriate but it hurts me to hear you in such distress x

 

 

I guess I dont get the joke....AGM? I try to think that, its so consuming....me thinking of her losing her favorite thing also equates to me losing mine. Wow, I just got it...the joke that is....I just dont know what to do about the pregnancy thing either, I already have 1 child with a mom Im obviously not with, if I do leave her, that would be 2....say I do meet someone else a long time from now, god I would hate to think multiple kids with 3 different moms, its already gonna 2 without a doubt. This is so terrible, I do deserve not to be treated this way, but it is her, but she did cheat, any option seems hopelessly crazy.

[Chaosphynx]

well, to elaborate, if you say you need some time off and she begs and pleads for you to come back during that time, she is selfish.

 

but if she respects you and gives you the space, then she is in a better place.

 

im not saying this is a huge thing, or you should take space to see what her reaction is, not at all. just a little thing i guess. she will probably do the former like most do...

 

 

I almost feel like she wouldnt, and that sucks too, I dont know why I feel this way, but so far she is still here like a tenative 2nd chance....I dont know if its the pregnancy, but I dont feel like she seems/acts grateful enough for it, then I think maybe she does feel that bad about herself...too many ifs, ands, or buts....

[Chaosphynx]

It's not always the case of once a cheater always a cheater.

I am proof of that.....but she has to want to change from the inside out, otherwise she will continue as before.

 

It is possible, but it's up to her at the end of the day.

 

P.s When she has the baby will you have a dna test done?

 

 

Will have to probably, even tho she claims they never had sex....and the last time she cheated was the end of June. I know that even tho I was upset in October when she was lying so much to me after our engagement we did have a lot of sex.

[Chaosphynx]

well, to elaborate, if you say you need some time off and she begs and pleads for you to come back during that time, she is selfish.

 

but if she respects you and gives you the space, then she is in a better place.

 

im not saying this is a huge thing, or you should take space to see what her reaction is, not at all. just a little thing i guess. she will probably do the former like most do...

 

 

By respecting my space....how is she in a better one? Sorry if Im a little non comprehensive at the moment