What to do IF

[Kanuk]

Okay, i think my situation is utterlyhopeless and i screwed up so badly that I don't have a chance of ever getting my love back. I still hope there is a chance, that she will forgive me. I knwo she loved me deeply before, i have no dount of that. And i wonder and hope if love can blossum again.

 

Here's the problem though. She wont talk to me. I've cut off all contact as of 1-1/2 weeks ago, but still, in 6-1/2 weeks she has not voluntarily contacted me. She did say she wasn't ready to talk to me, but would let me know when she is. Wether that's a cop-out just to pacify me or not, I don't know. I may never hear from her as long as I live. And I suppose I deserve that.

 

Anyways, assuming she does contact me and isn't completly pissed, but "wants to be friends" instead of wanting to get back together, She lives 200km away,a dn I really have no reason to travel back to the city where she lives except for 2 friends that still live there.

 

How could i possibly work this friends thing. I would want to try, so that I could get back into her good graces again and then maybe see where it goes from there. But the distance still remains a porblem. While we dated, i would happily drive the 200km down there to spend the weekend with her. Then again, i also stayed at her place when this happened. It would be tought to take a 2 hour drive just to see her for a couple of hours, and even then i wouldn't even gaurentee to see her. MAybe just se her at the bar with mutual friends.

 

There's always the internet frindship apporach... but i can't see that as going anywhere beyond friendship. I don't think I could ever get her back that way.

 

then there's the other problem i have to deal with. Just being in the same place as her, and not beign able to hold her or kiss her. And if I saw her with another guy, him kissing her or having his dirty hands on her. That would kill me inside i think. I'm trying not to be selfish mind you (I know it doesn't soudn that way). I want her to be happy above all else.

 

But i also want to be With her and spend the rest of my life with her. I'm willing to try anything to get to that stage, but i don't know if my will is strong enough.

 

 

Does anyone have any suggestions or things that could be tried in my case? I hear all these stories of people stopping by their ex's house with care baskets, or callign up and going out for offee, or trying to catch up. those ideas are all great if you live in the same city... But I'm stuck here 2 hours from her. If i just showed up to say hi, she'd probably freak out and think i was stalking her or something.

 

I'm already scared that she thinks i went crazy already. I just don't know what to do if she does talk to me again or doesn't want to get back together.

 

 

KEEP IN MIND that all of this is still contingent on IF she ever talks to me again. She said she would when she's ready, but then again, she's told my friends 3 times in the last 6-7 weeks that "yeah, I'll proabably call him soon". And still, nothing.

[rowina]

you are about as anxious as i am. its all about giving her and yourself time. i read your previous threads, and know that mostly what everyone else has said is to give her some time.

 

I know the next question that has been in your head is how much time? and from the look of this last post, you think time is up right? but fact is she has not contacted you. and if you contact her, it would be a risk that you will drive her away completely. you have to respect her wishes.

 

its cliche, but absence can make the heart grow fonder. yes, right now you are worried about loosing her to someone else, but if you pressure her when she is not ready, you might driver her to someone else for security and comfort from the situation you might put her in.

 

TIME, while it seems like enough time has gone by, MORE TIME, will allow you to develop more of what you could possibly bring into a friendship/rekindle of the old flame. RIGHT now, if you saw her or contacted her, all you would most likely approach her with is your heart on a sliver platter, offering fork and knife in hand. and fact is you dont know what she is up to. i dont want you in for any unexpected suprises.

 

IF you do ever speak/see her again, you want to present yourself more of a complete person without her. she has to see that you are okay, and have done alot for yourself.

 

I hope this does not come across as harsh advice, because i have realized it only because it is what i have had to do while waiting for the guy i love. and i am still waiting, but the way i figure it, either he will one day appreciate me for all i have become, or someone else will.

 

GOOD LUCK, keep posting too. i have found it helps me keep my sanity to know others are out there. and you should try offering advice too others too, while your mind is thinking about other situtations, may give you more insight on your own.

[CanadianBornCutie]

Read my previous post and you'll understand my situation.....

 

so i would call him he'd call me but he said that he used to not want to call me because i was so upset all the time about hte situation and so hurt that he didn't really know what to say, needless to say i've been positive we see each other now, and HE calls me back and he'll call me to make plans, though we never did go cold turkey, he said that he would never want me out of his life, and he hopes one day if fate allows it that we'll be together again, but i've learned to keep myself busy, i care for him he cares for me, but YES give her time but i know it's hard act positive and just keep it friendly when you do talk to her.....send her a christmas card, but just write hi just wanted to send you a card merry christmas....no I miss you I love you I neeed you or anything, keep it plutonic and i'm sure if you give her space she'll contact you, it might say to just be friends, it might be to get back together or maybe it would say i think that we're better off without each other.....

 

but time heals alot, keep yourself busy!

[Kanuk]

You're in a fortunate situation where you can physically see your guy, you probably live relatively close together.

 

I'm dedcated to this "giving her time" strategy. I know it's the only choice I have as well as being the best choice I have. I am, however, goign to her place tomorrow to pick up some things of mine. I just ahppened to be in the same city to write an exam and I've arranged it with her mother to pick things up when my ex isn't home. I don't think I was out of line in arranging it, but my ex could have a problem with it for all I know.

 

I just don't know what to do if she wants to be friends. If she wants to get back together, i have no problem with going to see her on weekends or wheveter, driving the 2 huors there and 2 hours back to see her for a whole wekend or whatever.

 

But if it's just friend, i don't even see the friedns that I hae down there because i can't aford to make constant trips that far for "just friends". I know it sounds bad, but I don't have a lot of money after all. I do visit once in a while. But that kind of visiting is hardly enough to fan the flames of love back to life, at least I think.

 

It's true, she may want me back if she misses me and misses what we had. But i did screw up something fierce... and it is quite possibly forgivable. I know if what i did was done to me, i could forgive the intrusion. But I'm a guy, and a naturally forgiving person by nature. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, especially if I ever expect to be given a second chance myself.

 

I do have another question regarding tomorrows pickup. I'm almost positive that my ex wont be there, she works every friday from 5 - 9:30, alwasy ahs ever since i've known her. So i don't expect her to be home.

 

1. What do I do if she IS there?

 

and moe liekly and more importantly

 

2. She always wanted a warm fuzzy sweater of mine to steal so she could wear to remember be (and so it smelled liek my colgne etc, typical girl thing from what I hear). So i went out and bought a sweater and made her "steal" it from me. As well as some gifts, liek an old carebear of mine that I gave her to replace one that she lost as a child. I'm goign to pick up my things... what do I do or think if i receive a box with items like that in it? to me that would me that it is really over for good and that I have no hope of getting her back. But I can't keep these things, i could never wear that sweater again, or look at that carebear etc etc. Do i just leave hose things at her house (like on the front step as I leave), or what?

[CanadianBornCutie]

Yeah my guy lives about 1/2 hour away.........

 

Yes, you screwed up, but i can tell you just really care about her, but you know what, i believe that everything is forgivable, remember those times your fought with your best friend or sibling and swore you'd never talk to them again, after time, it faded, you talked to them, granted this is not the same situation but it takes time to forgive.

 

If she is there when you go pick things up act friendly and say hello, be polite to her mother, but then leave.....it will be sad of course but try not to show too much clingy emotion......

 

if you recieve a box of stuff that contains sentimental values....it means it is over.......but just for now, it may just be too hard for her to cope with constant reminders of you.

 

i keep all the emails my guy used to send me still, but some things i had to store away......for now......

 

best of luck

 

but if she sin't the one for you, live and learn from mistakes and your next realationship will be even better!