To BM/BW-How do you not know?

[hopeless4u]

I answered a thread earlier that got me thinking....I was a BW 10yrs ago and I knew within weeks that something was wrong.

I was with my H 15yrs and we had a good M, both had good jobs a fantastic son and a good sex life so why would my H play around?? He was stupid!!

A younger girl showed him some attention down the pub(he was always drunk when he saw her) and he acted on it even though he knew it was the 1 thing in a relationship I couldn't get over(my dad left my mum with 2 young kids for another woman)

Anyway.....When I suspected(him out till late on a pool night, asking to go out on our wedding anniversary when we couldn't get a babysitter) I asked him(I'm not the kind of person to be taken for a ride), he told me not to be so stupid and when does he get time to play around(i could and still can read him like a book), I knew he was lying. I left it there hoping he would end whatever fling he was having and tried to get on as normal but every little thing he did I would notice, his phone was always on silent and in his pocket, we always went down the local pub together(we lived in a village) but he suddenly wanted to go out alone.

So 2 weeks after I'd confronted him we went to the local and I'd told myself not to put 2 an 2 together and come up with 50!

Through the night a girl in a white dress(very pretty and letting everyone see just how good she looked) was hanging around and I made a mental note to myself not to bite(I've never been a jealous person).

Being a small village we had a lock in and about 10-15 people ended up sat in the pub, mutual friends of myself an my husband(unbeknown to me at the time but they all knew about my H and this girl) anyway my H was gone for a while and so was the girl in the white dress so I went to look for him and guess what....I found him....in the ladies with the girl in the white dress!!

 

So the rest is history and as the OW now I really do hate the situation I am in but and I know I only have his word for it but my MM was in turmoil before I met him, my M was ok and my H had a fling, no feelings were involved, I did say at the time that maybe I could of understood if he had risked what we had for someone he cared for.

 

So my question to BS/BH/BW, how can you not know and if you know and choose to do nothing, why?

[2sure]

Very few spouses who know for sure about an affair choose to do nothing. Of the few that I know of , they do nothing - simply because they dont care anymore (usually the spouses of serial cheaters) , dont feel the fling/affair is a real threat to the marriage, dont want to change their lifestyle , and know the wayward spouse isnt ever going to divorce them.

 

I'm not saying they are good reasons, but you asked.

[seibert253]

I think many, if not most, suspect something's amiss. Many may be in denial, others may be "overly" trustful and take the WS's dismissals as gospel.

 

In my case, I was in a state of denial for several weeks. I knew something was up, but didn't want to believe it. I think what smacked me into reality was when my friend came to me because he saw my FWW out having lunch with her FOM. He told me something was up and I need to watch my W. He was right. Trust your gut and your friends.

[herenow]

Very interesting post here. First, I agree that most BW/BH who know their spouses are cheating don't ignore it. Having said that, many cheating partners are good at conpartmetalizing and when they are with the spouses, it's like the affair doesn't exist. They have a way of shutting the door behind them when they leave the OW/OM, and are able to act naturally while with the person they are married to.

 

What I find interesting about this post is that, while you were a BW, you say your H had no feelings for the OW. You have no idea how many OW insist that there is no way a MM has an affair without having feelings for the OW. They say the MM would not take that risk unless he cared about the OW. I have read so many times that it's a lie when the MM tells the BW that he didn't have any feelings for the OW. And that the BW is a fool for believing it. You have shown everyone that it's possible for the MM to have an affair and have no feelings what so ever for the OW. Thank you so much.

[stampdaddy]

So the rest is history and as the OW now I really do hate the situation I am in but and I know I only have his word for it but my MM was in turmoil before I met him, my M was ok and my H had a fling, no feelings were involved, I did say at the time that maybe I could of understood if he had risked what we had for someone he cared for.

 

So my question to BS/BH/BW, how can you not know and if you know and choose to do nothing, why?

 

sorry, but I am a little confused... in the bold, are you NOW an OW? Is that right? are you still married?

[Snowflower]

I don't think most BW or BH choose to do nothing about their spouse's affair. In rare cases, some might close their eyes to it, especially if they are married to a serial cheater or want to maintain the status quo or perhaps are cheating themselves. But most end making some type of decision.

 

In my own sitch, I knew there was something wrong in my marriage although I was too naive at that point to realize that my H was having an affair. When I found out what had been really been going on with my H, I chose to do something about it-rapidly.

 

I know that a lot of posters here don't believe this of BW, but after d-day I told my husband that our marriage was finished and that he could do as he wished. The dynamics of my H affair, which were then very apparent to me because I had been outside of it until that point, were too 'icky' and dysfunctional for me to deal with. For my own mental health, I told my husband to leave.

 

I think most BS do choose to do something after they find out. Few just sit there and 'take it.'

[stampdaddy]

I too don't know of any BH/BW that would just "close their eyes"... In my situation, I believe that my exMW's husband "ignored" the obvious. Believed every lie she told him. Had to be in such great denial against every instinct he had, for something like 3 years....

 

Now would/did he just close his eyes, NO. But, did he swallow a few more Ddays, YES. Why, I dont know. He is divorcing her now....

 

Anyway, as far as the "loving the AP", I do believe that it is possible and very probable for this to actually be the case, especially for MW's to fall for the OM. (I cant answer for MM's, althought I would believe that a piece of ass is a powerful thing...)

[moaningmyrtle]

My very first relationship lasted 5 years and we lived together for the last half of that.

 

He cheated about 3 months into the relationship and admitted it to me immediately. We moved on from that. In the last year of the relationship he started an A with a woman form his work. She visited our house nearly every day and stayed until late at night. I used to go to bed and leave them together. I never once went back to see what they were up to.

 

I truly had got to the stage where I simply didn't care what they were doing. One night he and I went to a party and a friend kissed me. My partner stormed out and went home. Less than an hour later I followed, with the friend. Nothing further had happened and we intended to apologise to my partner.

 

When we got to my home my partner was not there but during the short period he had nailed wooden bars over 2 of the doors and changed the lock on the front door so I couldn't get into the house without breaking in.

 

I ended up going home with the other guy and sleeping with him. It was wrong but I was very angry and upset. Plus I knew my boyfriend was having it off with the OW anyway.

 

We both realised that our relationship was dead and that we should have ended it much earlier - it was my first relationship and his first serious one. We ended it relatively amicably. Neither of the relationship in which we cheated lasted. In fact my ex-partner enlisted my support to end it with the OW.

 

Back to the original question I truly didn't care that my partner was cheating because I wanted out of the relationship myself.

 

Fast forward to my H's infidelity. I never would have turned a blind eye had I known. Like others I realised we had problems but didn't know he was having an A. I wanted to stay married to him and continue to have a family life. His infidelity has been the worst experience of my life.

[hopeless4u]

I think part of the reason I'm still in the situation I'm in is because his W just puts up with it. My MM knows how I feel and reads my posts so this will come as no surprise but as much as his W isn't happy with their M she is used to the lifestyle he gives her and doesn't want to loose this so why should I feel bad that I make him happy.

2sure-yeah I think this is my MM W's way of dealing with things, she knows that in the past he has just 'shut up & put up'. He has been shaped by his mum and wife(he won't thank me for that but I've said it to him before) and he has always been the sensible one, the one who does the right thing. His family are everything to him and I respect that but I also resent how they take him for granted and never put him 1st. I hope he will put HIS feelings 1st for once and think about HIS future now his kids are grown up but I doubt that will happen.

I'd just like to say that not all, if fact most OW are as messed up as the BW and we(OW)really do hate what we are doing. x

[herenow]

I think part of the reason I'm still in the situation I'm in is because his W just puts up with it. My MM knows how I feel and reads my posts so this will come as no surprise but as much as his W isn't happy with their M she is used to the lifestyle he gives her and doesn't want to loose this so why should I feel bad that I make him happy.

2sure-yeah I think this is my MM W's way of dealing with things, she knows that in the past he has just 'shut up & put up'. He has been shaped by his mum and wife(he won't thank me for that but I've said it to him before) and he has always been the sensible one, the one who does the right thing. His family are everything to him and I respect that but I also resent how they take him for granted and never put him 1st. I hope he will put HIS feelings 1st for once and think about HIS future now his kids are grown up but I doubt that will happen.

I'd just like to say that not all, if fact most OW are as messed up as the BW and we(OW)really do hate what we are doing. x

 

IMO, by having affairs, he is putting his feelings first. How is staying married to a woman who is only with him for her lifestyle, and having an affair with a woman who is just fine with being in an affair with a MM, sensible behavior? How is that "doing the right thing"?

 

How can his family be everything to him when he treats them with such disrespect? Sorry, I don't buy the idea that these men who have affairs are such great fathers. If he really did put anyone's feelings before his own, he wouldn't be having an affair with you. Do you think his kids will thank him for thinking about their well being when they find out about his infidelity? Do you think he is thinking about what is best for you while he remains in an unhappy marriage? What does that tell you about how much he cares about your feelings?

 

BTW, if you hate what you are doing, why are you still doing it? Really Im asking because I genuinely want to know.

Edited November 16, 2009 by herenow

[hopeless4u]

No Herenow his family would not be proud and I'm sure his children wouldn't either but he has been a good father, husband, son and brother for over 20 yrs and to some that should be a given I know and he has enjoyed looking after them all but....shouldn't we all have some happiness in our lives? He has worked hard and built a good life for his family and he would always make sure none would suffer if he left his marriage.

[PhoenixRise]

I think part of the reason I'm still in the situation I'm in is because his W just puts up with it. My MM knows how I feel and reads my posts so this will come as no surprise but as much as his W isn't happy with their M she is used to the lifestyle he gives her and doesn't want to loose this so why should I feel bad that I make him happy.

2sure-yeah I think this is my MM W's way of dealing with things, she knows that in the past he has just 'shut up & put up'. He has been shaped by his mum and wife(he won't thank me for that but I've said it to him before) and he has always been the sensible one, the one who does the right thing. His family are everything to him and I respect that but I also resent how they take him for granted and never put him 1st. I hope he will put HIS feelings 1st for once and think about HIS future now his kids are grown up but I doubt that will happen.

I'd just like to say that not all, if fact most OW are as messed up as the BW and we(OW)really do hate what we are doing. x

 

 

No you are in the situation that you are in because YOU put up with it. Why on earth would you allow your happiness to be dependent on actions you hope your MM's wife will take?

 

To answer your Original question.... You can know there are problems, you can know that something is wrong, but NOT KNOW that an affair is happening.

 

If there has not been a dday and you MM is not telling the truth to his wife about his relationship with you, then you can't assume she knows.

[skylarblue]

So my question to BS/BH/BW, how can you not know and if you know and choose to do nothing, why?

I really can’t answer your question because I’ve never been the BS, but as the OW I’ve wondered this about my MM’s W. She’s questioned him regularly and/or threatened him for at least the last 3yrs (we’ve been seeing each other for 5yrs). He’s really good at explaining things away or lying to her apparently. I’ve been with him at times when she’s called and have heard him lie to her so casually. She may suspect something and can see and recognize all the signs and changes, but she can’t definitively prove it. Because of his job she can’t really tell where he’s been or what his doing. She can’t even checked phone records because his cell is work issued. I wonder if she really “knows” he’s having an A or if she believes her H when he explains all these things away. He tells me she believes him.

[hopeless4u]

So my question to BS/BH/BW, how can you not know and if you know and choose to do nothing, why?

I really can’t answer your question because I’ve never been the BS, but as the OW I’ve wondered this about my MM’s W. She’s questioned him regularly and/or threatened him for at least the last 3yrs (we’ve been seeing each other for 5yrs). He’s really good at explaining things away or lying to her apparently. I’ve been with him at times when she’s called and have heard him lie to her so casually. She may suspect something and can see and recognize all the signs and changes, but she can’t definitively prove it. Because of his job she can’t really tell where he’s been or what his doing. She can’t even checked phone records because his cell is work issued. I wonder if she really “knows” he’s having an A or if she believes her H when he explains all these things away. He tells me she believes him.

 

I told my MM I had posted this and his response was he hadn't changed his routine, like you skylarblue his work has him working all hours, he just works from my house instead of the office but he did say she notices he's distant but yes he lies about that and he thinks she believes it but being a BW I find it hard to believe after being together as long as they have she can't tell. This is another thing that makes me believe they are not meant to be together forever, I've only known my MM for 2 yrs but I do think I can tell when he's lying to me.....I already know when he says he loves me because he's feeling bad and when he says it because he truly means it, he knows this because I tell him, we talk, we talk about everything.....good...bad...things we don't want to talk about....things we have to talk about.

His phone is also work issued but where he worked from home as much as he could before he met me now he is always at the office, he has rung me from their house phone and always trusted me never to stir it up. I still find it hard to believe that she doesn't know, he has also told me they haven't slept together for 18 months, including when they went on holiday to try and sort things out(which he was on the phone to me every day!)

[Impudent Oyster]

 

So my question to BS/BH/BW, how can you not know and if you know and choose to do nothing, why?

 

If the WS behaves the same way, Tells you he loves you every day, jumps your bones on a regular basis (and enjoys it) comes home at the same time, is with you every night and weekend, in other words, is very, very careful not to change in any way...how would you know?

[hopeless4u]

To answer your Original question.... You can know there are problems, you can know that something is wrong, but NOT KNOW that an affair is happening.

 

Ok I can go with that but doesn't just asking the question to ur H 'what is wrong?' start the process.

 

Please don't think me ignorant, I really am trying to understand and not judging anyone and also not wanting to be judged by anyone else.

 

What I find interesting about this post is that, while you were a BW, you say your H had no feelings for the OW. You have no idea how many OW insist that there is no way a MM has an affair without having feelings for the OW. They say the MM would not take that risk unless he cared about the OW. I have read so many times that it's a lie when the MM tells the BW that he didn't have any feelings for the OW. And that the BW is a fool for believing it. You have shown everyone that it's possible for the MM to have an affair and have no feelings what so ever for the OW. Thank you so much.

 

The reason I said my H had no feelings was because it was nipped in the bud(i knew something was wrong and acted on it) if i'd of 'done nothing' who knows where it would of gone. This is why I'm asking the question.

 

If the WS behaves the same way, Tells you he loves you every day, jumps your bones on a regular basis (and enjoys it) comes home at the same time, is with you every night and weekend, in other words, is very, very careful not to change in any way...how would you know?

 

Yes this is why I'm asking the question as well, how many WS/WH has told the OW how he acts at home? I know mine 'thinks' he acts the same but he tells me things he's done that I as a BW even before my xHs A I would have found strange.

[Lizzie60]

I think a very large percentage (MOST) have absolutely NO idea their partner is cheating.. because they are verrrry good at it..

 

Some BS know but choose to ignore it because they either don't care (rare) ... or they simply can't afford to move out.. (most) (no jobs, kids, etc.)

 

Some know but unless they have ABSOLUTE proofs ..they will just believe Him... and sometimes even with proofs.. they will live in denial.. weird ...

 

I've never been a BS.. but I wished to be one, with my first ex..

[bentnotbroken]

I had no reason to suspect him. I trusted him 100%. When I was suspicious, I asked. He lied(gaslighting)made me feel evil for even considering that great man anything but faithful. Accidentally found proof and started to dig. I hit the jack pot. Gave him enough rope to hang himself(ow too) and the rest they say...is MY history.

[PhoenixRise]

To answer your Original question.... You can know there are problems, you can know that something is wrong, but NOT KNOW that an affair is happening.

 

Ok I can go with that but doesn't just asking the question to ur H 'what is wrong?' start the process.

 

Please don't think me ignorant, I really am trying to understand and not judging anyone and also not wanting to be judged by anyone else.

 

What I find interesting about this post is that, while you were a BW, you say your H had no feelings for the OW. You have no idea how many OW insist that there is no way a MM has an affair without having feelings for the OW. They say the MM would not take that risk unless he cared about the OW. I have read so many times that it's a lie when the MM tells the BW that he didn't have any feelings for the OW. And that the BW is a fool for believing it. You have shown everyone that it's possible for the MM to have an affair and have no feelings what so ever for the OW. Thank you so much.

 

The reason I said my H had no feelings was because it was nipped in the bud(i knew something was wrong and acted on it) if i'd of 'done nothing' who knows where it would of gone. This is why I'm asking the question.

 

If the WS behaves the same way, Tells you he loves you every day, jumps your bones on a regular basis (and enjoys it) comes home at the same time, is with you every night and weekend, in other words, is very, very careful not to change in any way...how would you know?

 

Yes this is why I'm asking the question as well, how many WS/WH has told the OW how he acts at home? I know mine 'thinks' he acts the same but he tells me things he's done that I as a BW even before my xHs A I would have found strange.

 

 

 

Because of the way you quoted here I can't tell if you are saying that I think you are ignorant or was judging you....I did neither.

 

Try using the quote button when quoting one person and the multi quote button when quoting from more than one posts

 

I will say that when you are in a long term marriage/relationship with someone and something feels off you can know something is wrong but you don't automatically think affair.

 

YOU DO ask questions and you get lied to. Gaslighted in fact. You are given perfectly reasonable explanations for everything. If a problem is acknowledge then it is a problem that you know about and is believable...work, finances, extended family issues all weighing on the poor MM head and that is why he is distant.

 

AND you believe that you have married a certain kind of guy. You believe you have married someone with integrity, character, someone honest and someone who loves and respects you. You think you have married someone who WOULD NOT cheat so when they tell you it is other issues you believe it. MM who cheat on their wives (including my H) use your belief in them against you. It is a horridly shi*** thing to do.

[realworldexplorer]

Two words: TRUTH BIAS.

 

I am a BS. I trusted my wife. Especially after she did her wedding vows in front of friends, family and God. I could never and would never want to do as she did; therefore, I assumed she was the same as I. This, obviously, was not the case. I had had no experience with infidelity or deception on such a grand scale for my whole life or in my family of origin. I had never cheated in or by any previous relationships. It was something I never considered or been tempted by. I protected my boundaries. Am I naive? No. Am I stupid? No, very educated and experienced. Am I trusting? After a 1 1/2 yr R, yes. I still choose to assume innocence until proven guilty. My wife begged for a second chance and I gave it. It has been a horrendous amount of work to get through my pain and mental damage that was a result of her family of origin and generally immature outlooks on relationships, responsibility and naive views of peoples agendas. I value my integrity and my selflessness more than anything as it may be all I have at the end. I am not perfect and through that lens I can try to grant forgiveness to someone who made a huge mistake. My wife and I have learned alot and she wants to succeed and not be lurching from one domestic disaster to another. So we try to understand something that is irrational and gain some peace. I would ask any OM/OW to carefully consider their actions prior to getting involved with married/committed people. The damage to the victim (BS) is horrific and sometimes irreversible. Do not try to gain power from the destruction of someones sacred relationship as the consequences are lifelong and possibly eternal. It is # 7 on the top ten list of things not to do. I used to subscribe to the "soulmate" myth but I no longer do. The love my wife had for OM vaporized in a month as she saw the truth of her situation and the truth of a deceptive person that probably didn't have her best interests at heart. Anyway, I digress, infidelity is a beeeatch, and no, BS's are not stupid, naive, gullible or in denial they are simply trusting as in: "a normal healthy relationship".

[hopeless4u]

Sorry PhoenixRise I was trying to answer everyone quickly. I wasn't saying anyone was judging me more a case of asking people not to.

I know as the OW some people see or want to see the worst in me and I don't blame them but I too am trying to sort my head out like most people on here.

 

As I said before in other threads I don't expect sympathy or even kind words, I know I don't deserve either but answers to my questions and maybe a little help to get my head round my situation is all I ask.

[PhoenixRise]

Sorry PhoenixRise I was trying to answer everyone quickly. I wasn't saying anyone was judging me more a case of asking people not to.

I know as the OW some people see or want to see the worst in me and I don't blame them but I too am trying to sort my head out like most people on here.

 

As I said before in other threads I don't expect sympathy or even kind words, I know I don't deserve either but answers to my questions and maybe a little help to get my head round my situation is all I ask.

 

 

No problem. I just wanted to make sure I was not being misunderstood. I hope you get the answers you are looking for.

[White Flower]

So the rest is history and as the OW now I really do hate the situation I am in but and I know I only have his word for it but my MM was in turmoil before I met him, my M was ok and my H had a fling, no feelings were involved, I did say at the time that maybe I could of understood if he had risked what we had for someone he cared for.

 

So my question to BS/BH/BW, how can you not know and if you know and choose to do nothing, why?

You are only assuming there was nothing wrong in your M when your H cheated on you. If your ex was meeting her on a regular basis and he allowed all his local acquaintances in on the A, how could your M be ok? Either the M wasn't ok, or your ex wasn't ok (perhaps he is/was serial?) but either way it ended in D.

 

I do believe head-buriers have a gift at seeing things the way the want to see them. I never had that gift; therefore, I sought the truth. Head-buriers cannot handle the truth. They just need life to be easy.

[White Flower]

IMO, by having affairs, he is putting his feelings first. How is staying married to a woman who is only with him for her lifestyle, and having an affair with a woman who is just fine with being in an affair with a MM, sensible behavior? How is that "doing the right thing"?

 

How can his family be everything to him when he treats them with such disrespect? Sorry, I don't buy the idea that these men who have affairs are such great fathers. If he really did put anyone's feelings before his own, he wouldn't be having an affair with you. Do you think his kids will thank him for thinking about their well being when they find out about his infidelity? Do you think he is thinking about what is best for you while he remains in an unhappy marriage? What does that tell you about how much he cares about your feelings?

 

BTW, if you hate what you are doing, why are you still doing it? Really Im asking because I genuinely want to know.

Will he thank himself? Will his wife thank him for staying when he doesn't even love her? What do his kids have to do with his well being? And theirs his? If his kids are adults they'll all be able to handle it just fine.

 

The only thing I didn't care for when I discovered my father's A was the not knowing. Once he shared it with me, I understood the reasons behind it. I loved and adored my mother, so it's not like I took sides. I just understood.

 

Othere than the bolded part, I agree with your entire post.

[hopeless4u]

You are only assuming there was nothing wrong in your M when your H cheated on you. If your ex was meeting her on a regular basis and he allowed all his local acquaintances in on the A, how could your M be ok? Either the M wasn't ok, or your ex wasn't ok (perhaps he is/was serial?) but either way it ended in D.

 

I do believe head-buriers have a gift at seeing things the way the want to see them. I never had that gift; therefore, I sought the truth. Head-buriers cannot handle the truth. They just need life to be easy.

 

The reason I say my M was ok is because I stayed friends with my xH for our son's sake and even 10 yrs later he still holds a touch for me and would take me back in a heartbeat and I don't mean that in a big headed way my xH is still a big part of mine and our sons life and I do still love him but as a family member not a H and he understands that. We talk, go out together to parties and even stay over at each other's houses because we both believe its about our son not us and we really are still best friends. I would never let anyone hurt him because of a stupid mistake he made.

 

What he did made him stupid not a horrible person. Life is far to short to hate people you once loved for a stupid mistake.