To BM/BW-How do you not know?

[norajane]

If a MM can convince an OW that he's going to leave his wife, yet he does nothing about it and is able to string her along...for years, sometimes...how do you think he does that? By lying. To OW's face. And OW believes him despite knowing for a fact, absolutely no question about it, that he is a big lying liar who lies because she knows for a fact, absolutely no question about it, that he is constantly lying to his wife to hide his affair. OW knows he's a liar and still believes everything he says.

 

So why is it so difficult to believe that a MM can lie to his wife well enough that she doesn't realize or know for sure that he's cheating? Especially considering that his wife doesn't know for a fact like OW does that he is a lying liar who lies?

 

MM are practices liars. It's what they do in order to get what they want, from both women. They lie, lie, lie all day long, to everyone necessary. They lie, they omit the truth, they hide the evidence, they tell half-truths, partial truths, and they do it so often they are natural and convincing. It's a way of life.

 

Is this really so surprising?

[NoIDidn't]

If a MM can convince an OW that he's going to leave his wife, yet he does nothing about it and is able to string her along...for years, sometimes...how do you think he does that? By lying. To OW's face. And OW believes him despite knowing for a fact, absolutely no question about it, that he is a big lying liar who lies because she knows for a fact, absolutely no question about it, that he is constantly lying to his wife to hide his affair. OW knows he's a liar and still believes everything he says.

 

So why is it so difficult to believe that a MM can lie to his wife well enough that she doesn't realize or know for sure that he's cheating? Especially considering that his wife doesn't know for a fact like OW does that he is a lying liar who lies?

 

MM are practices liars. It's what they do in order to get what they want, from both women. They lie, lie, lie all day long, to everyone necessary. They lie, they omit the truth, they hide the evidence, they tell half-truths, partial truths, and they do it so often they are natural and convincing. It's a way of life.

 

Is this really so surprising?

 

 

LOL. Because this flies in the face of the other thing that the OW is ignoring or doesn't want to believe: that the MM is lying to her as well.

 

Lying about what the W does or doesn't know. Or using it to make a joke of the W's feelings and make the OW feel more secure in their position as OW.

 

Lying about the actual state of the marriage.

 

Isn't it a major claim here that the MM lies to the BW all the time to partake in the affair? So, why would this knowledge extend to whether or not the BW knows about the affair when it is CLEAR AS DAY that they are being lied to?!

 

[NoIDidn't]

If a MM can convince an OW that he's going to leave his wife....

 

Oh, BTW, the MM isn't lying about that. He just hasn't managed to do it yet....BUT he'll get around to it....one day.

[tami-chan]

To BM/BW-how do you not know?

 

Because I believed him with all my heart that he was in love with me and it was INCONCEIVABLE that he would want to hurt me that way.....yes, quite naive...

[herenow]

To BM/BW-how do you not know?

 

Because I believed him with all my heart that he was in love with me and it was INCONCEIVABLE that he would want to hurt me that way.....yes, quite naive...

 

Yes, this is true. For a BW who is faithful and doesn't think about an affair as a possibility, there would be no way to know for sure.

 

Why would she even think of such a thing when she is stilling having sex and intimacy with her H? Why would a wife think her H is having an affair when he tells her he loves her every day? Why would a woman think her H is having an affair when he insists that she is the only woman in the world for him and there is no other? How is she to know when they do everything married couples do?

 

The OW is a secret that most MM will do anything to hide. So, how do expect a wife to just know without proof?

 

To the OW, how do you not know that the MM you are having an affair with is a liar? And if he can lie to his wife, why is it so hard to believe that he can lie to you?

Edited November 18, 2009 by herenow

[hopeless4u]

Thanks to all the answers I have got on this thread I have just had a very long conversation with my MM about things at home.

Yes most of the BS's are right, he is still cuddling his W, telling her he loves her and even having sex!

I'm not surprised as I have suspected as much but its reading all the posts and getting other views that made me ask the question. I do still believe that he doesn't lie to me as long as I ask the question so the 1 thing I have learned from here is which questions to ask! He has given reasons(excuses some might say) and we will talk about that I'm sure but just wanted to update you all and say that LS really does help:eek:

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks to all the answers I have got on this thread I have just had a very long conversation with my MM about things at home.

Yes most of the BS's are right, he is still cuddling his W, telling her he loves her and even having sex!

I'm not surprised as I have suspected as much but its reading all the posts and getting other views that made me ask the question. I do still believe that he doesn't lie to me as long as I ask the question so the 1 thing I have learned from here is which questions to ask! He has given reasons(excuses some might say) and we will talk about that I'm sure but just wanted to update you all and say that LS really does help:eek:

 

I'm glad that you have gotten answers here and from him. LS can be helpful at times.

 

And we, the current, former, and never-betrayed, certainly can see clear enough to help you find the questions to ask.

 

That had to have been an uncomfortable conversation for him.

[hopeless4u]

I'm glad that you have gotten answers here and from him. LS can be helpful at times.

 

And we, the current, former, and never-betrayed, certainly can see clear enough to help you find the questions to ask.

 

That had to have been an uncomfortable conversation for him.

 

To be honest he was quite forthcoming and open, said thats the thing about 'us' we can talk about anything logically!

He reads the posts so I'm sure he'll have food for thought when he snuggles up with the W tonight.

[norajane]

he is still cuddling his W, telling her he loves her and even having sex!

 

I do still believe that he doesn't lie to me as long as I ask the question

 

Don't be too sure he doesn't lie as long as you ask the right question. In your first thread here a few days ago, you said:

 

He tells me they are on the verge of separation

 

You've been with him for 2 years already. How long is this verge supposed to last? A man who is cuddling his W, having sex with her, telling her he loves her...doesn't sound like a man on the verge of leaving, or who has determined he has nothing left of a relationship with his wife.

 

He's telling you he loves you and can't live without you - I say put that to the test and leave him. He'll either decide he really can't live without you, or that he can and wants to stay with his wife. Either way, you'll know what's what for sure and won't have to try to figure out what questions to ask or decipher whether he's lying to you or not.

 

As long as you stay with him, he won't ever have to make a decision. Why should he? He's got both of you to cuddle with and have sex with.

[hopeless4u]

Don't be too sure he doesn't lie as long as you ask the right question. In your first thread here a few days ago, you said:

 

 

 

You've been with him for 2 years already. How long is this verge supposed to last? A man who is cuddling his W, having sex with her, telling her he loves her...doesn't sound like a man on the verge of leaving, or who has determined he has nothing left of a relationship with his wife.

 

He's telling you he loves you and can't live without you - I say put that to the test and leave him. He'll either decide he really can't live without you, or that he can and wants to stay with his wife. Either way, you'll know what's what for sure and won't have to try to figure out what questions to ask or decipher whether he's lying to you or not.

 

As long as you stay with him, he won't ever have to make a decision. Why should he? He's got both of you to cuddle with and have sex with.

 

Yeah I know you are right and hopefully reading the answers from questions I've asked will help me to do that. In all honesty I think he's still with me because he does care and hates the thought of the pain I go through each time we try to end it but he cares for his W more because he chooses to let me suffer to ease her pain. Pretty much says it all really.

[NoIDidn't]

To be honest he was quite forthcoming and open, said thats the thing about 'us' we can talk about anything logically!

He reads the posts so I'm sure he'll have food for thought when he snuggles up with the W tonight.

 

Why on earth are you okay with him reading the posts? Has this man NO SENSE of BOUNDARIES?

 

Well, maybe not. He IS cheating on his W. So its possible he doesn't know what a boundary even looks like.

 

Sorry, I hate it when MM keep tabs on their OW by knowing where the post on the internet. That is a huge violation of privacy to me. Eventually, they start complaining that you are getting the wrong ideas in your head from those "internet crazies".

[White Flower]

Yes, this is true. For a BW who is faithful and doesn't think about an affair as a possibility, there would be no way to know for sure.

 

Why would she even think of such a thing when she is stilling having sex and intimacy with her H? Why would a wife think her H is having an affair when he tells her he loves her every day? Why would a woman think her H is having an affair when he insists that she is the only woman in the world for him and there is no other? How is she to know when they do everything married couples do?

 

The OW is a secret that most MM will do anything to hide. So, how do expect a wife to just know without proof?

 

To the OW, how do you not know that the MM you are having an affair with is a liar? And if he can lie to his wife, why is it so hard to believe that he can lie to you?

This is such a good post and so very true. To all OW out there you must consider this a possibility. All he has to do is look at his cell, say it's his W and walk away for 'privacy' when really he is talking to an OW. Ask him for the phone and look at the name. If it doesn't say 'wife' then you know you've got a serial cheater.

 

Ask yourself, 'Why would he insist on always taking his W's call, then one day out of the blue he decided she can wait? It's probably not his W, that's why.

 

This thread may be taking on another subject, but it is really still about 'how does one not know'. Even an OW can trust their instincts.

 

It is harder to find the truth but if you're not afraid of it, seek it. Only then can you deal with it.

Edited November 19, 2009 by White Flower

[turnstone]

To be honest he was quite forthcoming and open, said thats the thing about 'us' we can talk about anything logically!

He reads the posts so I'm sure he'll have food for thought when he snuggles up with the W tonight.

 

He reads the posts here??? He knows who you are on here and reads what you're asking???

 

Girl, not only does he have some serious issues other than the obvious, but you do too if you think this is ok.

[PhoenixRise]

To be honest he was quite forthcoming and open, said thats the thing about 'us' we can talk about anything logically!

He reads the posts so I'm sure he'll have food for thought when he snuggles up with the W tonight.

 

 

How perfect for him.

 

He can now know exactly what you need to hear and feed it back to you.

[hopeless4u]

Well I never had a problem with him reading anything I wrote before because I've said most of it to him anyway, the initial reason for coming on here was to get my head around our situation but things have changed, thanks to LS I've asked the right questions and got answers from MM that shocked me and I really do mean shocked. From conversations in the past about his W and their situation he has always gave me the impression they are not physical, last time I asked was when we had NC and they went on holiday to sort things out but he phoned me every day(so much for NC)I asked if he was sleeping with her and his answer was 'I can assure you nothing like that is happening' YEAH RIGHT!!

Thats the only reason I have waited, under the impression it was his family commitments, guilt and so on for him still being at home, I 'stupidly' thought he would never initiate or accept physical contact with his W because that was what he lead me to believe and of course that suited him perfectly! After our conversation last night my mind and heart finally agreed with each other, its taken a while but I can finally see what he is.

We are still friends and we will see each other at work(he is also in the middle of plastering my kitchen!) but I can honestly say he will never touch me again, I can't and never will be with him while he is still being physical with his W, he knows this and as much as he says he mis understood my question when I asked(???) I do think he knew I would walk! Anyway lots more was said but I know that I have turned a corner, if only I had asked the right question in the right way before!! Now I have the boundaries and they are securely in place!

So yeah in answer to my quesion, how could you know!

OW,OM and BS really do get the raw end of the deal.