I'm Trying To Understand Why I Don't Want A Committed Relationship

[justforfun]

I've reached a point in my life where I really don't want commitment.

 

I know that people say that's not want they want but I know that I really don't.

 

Well, I'm open to an exclusive relationship but even then I don't want a guy living in my house. I don't want one that want's to come round..snuggle up on the sofa and watch stupid tv every night. I don't want a guy in my bed every night. I like my bed and it fits me just fine.

 

I want someone that can make me laugh. someone smart, funny and cute. I don't want to be committed. If I'm going out then I'm going out. I don't have to say who where or what I'm doing. If he's doing something too then lets just talk about when we can meet up, not what he's doing or doing it with as to why we cant.

 

Sometimes it takes a long time to work yourself out. I'm at a point in my life where I can look at the things I want and the things I don't want and hopefully find something close to what I want. It doesn't sound cool to most people everyone tells me it doesn't work out like that...what if, what if, blah blah bollocks.

 

But why cant people in a non committed relationship, who don't have to put up with all that relationship stuff actually enjoy the time they have together as much as they enjoy their independent life?

 

I've been in committed relationships and it's suffocating. Inevitably someone is lying to someone. Not even just the big stuff. What about the little things...'sure honey you can change the channel..I don't mind'. all that 'no I don't mind'..'sure that's okay'...blah blah. That's not where I want to make my compromises in life.

 

Like I said, I am open to an exclusive relationship but I'm not actively seeking it. I have a potential guy for that right now. But I am so ready to take it at a snail's pace! I have no feelings of need. I don't want to jump into it. If it develops then it does if it doesn't then it doesn't. We have a lot in common. He has introduced me to a Russian writer for example whose book I just have to get. I love that intellectual stimulation and he is cute too!

 

I've begun a sexual relationship with someone and I'm not developing any feelings for him. I'll admit that he is 15 years younger than me so I wouldn't be interested in him for a relationship anyway. But when he leaves in the early hours of the morning I have a smile on my face and I go to bed alone happily.

 

I know that there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I don't need that affirmation. I just am curious as to any opinions on why I would be feeling like this. Fingers crossed that it's not just a phase because I'm really enjoying it.

 

Any suggestions? Bring on the pop psychology :D

[miss_sapphire]

I'm interested to see how this thread develops. I could have written this post myself. I don't know if it's because I've been single for too long, and therefore don't know how to be in a 'normal' relationship anymore. I don't want to have to report to someone of every little thing I've done during the day. I don't have something hanging around my house. I like my own company and I like living on my own. Maybe I'm a single girl at heart?

[justforfun]

Doesn't seem like we'll find out what anyone thinks..LOL

 

Maybe we'll just have to look within ourselves

 

I'm interested to see how this thread develops. I could have written this post myself. I don't know if it's because I've been single for too long, and therefore don't know how to be in a 'normal' relationship anymore. I don't want to have to report to someone of every little thing I've done during the day. I don't have something hanging around my house. I like my own company and I like living on my own. Maybe I'm a single girl at heart?

[sadintexas]

I don't really know why you feel that way. I am in a similar position though. I want an exclusive relationship (and am working on one now) but at this time we both don't want anything really serious. I don't know if I ever want to live with someone or marry again.

 

I enjoy my freedom and my quiet time. Having someone else around all the time really cuts into that. I have a very busy life outside of this relationship and need my time to decompress.

 

I do enjoy spending the night together once or twice a week but I don't want it to be a full time deal. That might change. I don't know.

 

I attribute it more to being independent and having my own life and interests. I've been married...been there done that...so I don't have that mad need to meet my "soulmate (ha)" and start a family.

 

It could be a phase for you, but it may not be. If you're enjoying it, live it to the fullest extent. My thought is what will make you change is meeting a person that changes your perspective on it. If that happens, then that would be okay too because you would still be following your heart and your own desires.

[A O]

Any suggestions? Bring on the pop psychology :D

I'll take a stab. Sounds like your past relationships have been less than ideal and you're just a little weary about committing to another relationship again based on what you've experienced beforehand.

 

But why cant people in a non committed relationship, who don't have to put up with all that relationship stuff actually enjoy the time they have together as much as they enjoy their independent life?

The type of relationship you appear to want right now sounds quite ideal to me. I could commit to that type of set up, meaning, I think the notion of a "committed relationship" is a little broader than you perhaps realize.

 

.

[carhill]

I want someone that can make me laugh. someone smart, funny and cute. I don't want to be committed. If I'm going out then I'm going out. I don't have to say who where or what I'm doing. If he's doing something too then lets just talk about when we can meet up, not what he's doing or doing it with as to why we cant.

 

A gay male friend is nice. You can shop together too, if you like.

 

From the tone of your post, you sound something like what I described my stbx as in MC. She liked the security of being married and wanted the freedom of being single while being married. Now she's single and perhaps enjoying life much in the same way you are.

 

Unlike yourself, my history of less than ideal committed relationships has not soured me on the ideal of them. I am the product of one and saw how a healthy one worked. I've just been a bit inept and perhaps a poor chooser of a partner to establish a similar dynamic. I can say that even in the midst of divorce.

 

I personally cannot imagine being in any sort of a relationship with someone, even a friendship, and not having feelings of attachment and/or commitment to that dynamic and person. Good on you that you can disconnect that part of yourself and just go with the flow. I hope you find the path which suits you.

[GoodOnPaper]

Sounds like a pretty straightforward recipe for contentment:

 

1. Realization that you don't need a committed relationship to fill or fulfill your life.

2. Getting the physical, emotional, and intellectual connection you need without that committed relationship.

 

I'm sure that most married people would consider this situation to be far superior to what they have.

[jerseyboy]

Isnt that guy the married one you are seeing behind his wifes back?

 

But so I understand this correctly, you are having an affair with a married man, but your concern is why you yourself appear hesitant to get into a committed relationship?

 

Have I got that correctly?

[Calendula]

OP, a few questions so I can get a better feel for where you are coming from:

 

How old are you, and at what age did you start your first long term relationship (longer than 3-6 months)? How long did the relationship last, who ended it (you or him or both), and, generally speaking, why did it end?

 

How many serious long term relationships have you had in your life time and how many short term 'flings' (less than 3-6 months)? Who ended these relationships and why do you think they ended?

 

Have you ever sat down and tried to list out in text what you do and do not want from a partner (for the short term, long term, currently, or for the future)? If so, what did you come up with?

 

To figure out the answer to the perpetual question "Why?" we often have to look deep within ourselves to try and understand our feelings and desires, and analyze the events of our past that led us to become the person we are today. If we break the big question "Why?" down into enough smaller, simpler questions, enough times, eventually we will find an answer that we can be satisfied with.

[carhill]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210044

 

Right; I guess there are many ways to achieve this understanding. Best wishes

[justforfun]

In what way does my having an affair with a MM make me understand why I don't feel the need for commitment?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210044

 

Right; I guess there are many ways to achieve this understanding. Best wishes

[justforfun]

Thank you for that. I am getting the physical met from him. I have someone else for the intellectual connection and it has the potential to be an emotional connection.

 

Sounds like I'm on track.

 

Sounds like a pretty straightforward recipe for contentment:

 

1. Realization that you don't need a committed relationship to fill or fulfill your life.

2. Getting the physical, emotional, and intellectual connection you need without that committed relationship.

 

I'm sure that most married people would consider this situation to be far superior to what they have.

[justforfun]

I don't really know why you feel that way. I am in a similar position though. I want an exclusive relationship (and am working on one now) but at this time we both don't want anything really serious. I don't know if I ever want to live with someone or marry again.

 

I enjoy my freedom and my quiet time. Having someone else around all the time really cuts into that. I have a very busy life outside of this relationship and need my time to decompress.

 

I do enjoy spending the night together once or twice a week but I don't want it to be a full time deal. That might change. I don't know.

 

I attribute it more to being independent and having my own life and interests. I've been married...been there done that...so I don't have that mad need to meet my "soulmate (ha)" and start a family.

 

It could be a phase for you, but it may not be. If you're enjoying it, live it to the fullest extent. My thought is what will make you change is meeting a person that changes your perspective on it. If that happens, then that would be okay too because you would still be following your heart and your own desires.

 

That pretty much does sum it up. Also helps me understand if things change then why they would change. You make some really good and helpful points.

[carhill]

I was identifying the background for the prior post which I quote herewith:

 

Isnt that guy the married one you are seeing behind his wifes back?

 

But so I understand this correctly, you are having an affair with a married man, but your concern is why you yourself appear hesitant to get into a committed relationship?

 

Have I got that correctly?

 

My opinion is this appears to be your current path and I wish you well on that path

[justforfun]

 

But so I understand this correctly, you are having an affair with a married man, but your concern is why you yourself appear hesitant to get into a committed relationship?

 

Those statements are two unrelated facts. I am having sex with a MM yes. I am not hesitant about getting into a committed relationship. I have no desire to be in a committed relationship.

 

My opinion is this appears to be your current path and I wish you well on that path

 

Well obviously my current path is my current path. Thanks for the good wishes but somehow I detect a sense of sarcasm. In fact it's obvious. Oh well.

[justforfun]

You've changed your tune haven't you?

 

A gay male friend is nice. You can shop together too, if you like.

 

From the tone of your post, you sound something like what I described my stbx as in MC. She liked the security of being married and wanted the freedom of being single while being married. Now she's single and perhaps enjoying life much in the same way you are.

 

Unlike yourself, my history of less than ideal committed relationships has not soured me on the ideal of them. I am the product of one and saw how a healthy one worked. I've just been a bit inept and perhaps a poor chooser of a partner to establish a similar dynamic. I can say that even in the midst of divorce.

 

I personally cannot imagine being in any sort of a relationship with someone, even a friendship, and not having feelings of attachment and/or commitment to that dynamic and person. Good on you that you can disconnect that part of yourself and just go with the flow. I hope you find the path which suits you.

[A O]

In what way does my having an affair with a MM make me understand why I don't feel the need for commitment?

It gives context. Its not that you don't need commitment, its that you fear it. To have an affair with a 'taken' person is a "safe" option and the sought of option a person who fears commitment would choose.

 

.

[carhill]

You are entitled to whatever opinion you desire. I've done the affair thing as an OM and a MM. It's not my path. It might be yours. I think each action we take in life teaches us something. This might help you better understand why you don't want a committed relationship. I hope so

[sally4sara]

It sounds like you're looking for what s called a "walking marriage".

 

The Mosuo seem to like it.

[carhill]

The Mosuo seem to like it.

 

Fascinating read. Thanks for that. Matrilinear, a new word for today.

[justforfun]

OP, a few questions so I can get a better feel for where you are coming from:

 

How old are you, and at what age did you start your first long term relationship (longer than 3-6 months)? How long did the relationship last, who ended it (you or him or both), and, generally speaking, why did it end?

 

I was 15. It lasted for just over a year. I ended it because of my promiscuous behavior at that time.

 

How many serious long term relationships have you had in your life time and how many short term 'flings' (less than 3-6 months)? Who ended these relationships and why do you think they ended?

 

Three serious relationships. I ended the first one.

 

The second he ended. We came to visit the US, Florida where his family were. They treated me very badly, excluded me from everything. He started an affair and so I flew to NY to stay with my family. We argued constantly on the telephone. At the end of the trip I flew back to the UK and he stayed here. We had just come to end. We weren't mature enough to have reasonable discussion. Every argument we had became a frustrated slanging match. It wasn't fun anymore.

 

I was also clingy. In the sense that at the time I started dating him my parents split after 25 years. It was difficult and painful and he provided sanctuary.

 

My third was my ex-husband. I walked out because he treated me like a Princess and hated my son from a previous relationship. Our family therapist described it as how a male lion comes into the pride and kills the cubs that are already there. We went through the motions, family therapy, individual therapy, marriage therapy. Nothing changed so I left. To this day he clings to a hope I will return.

 

I've had a few flings of 3-6 mnths.

 

From the ones I can remember.

 

I broke up with him because of his emotional and physical abuse. That was a shame because my son was around 9mnths old when we got together and he was a wonderful potential father to him. He loved him as if he was his own. He just couldn't help beating up the mother!!!!

 

Another because he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. He felt he needed to go and live his life without the ball and chain. And he couldn't achieve this wonderful life with me tagging along as he saw it. Didn't quite work out that way for him but hey ho.

 

I'd have to really think back to remember anymore.

 

 

 

Have you ever sat down and tried to list out in text what you do and do not want from a partner (for the short term, long term, currently, or for the future)? If so, what did you come up with?

 

I haven't but I can try.

 

Short term ~ Now and in the future

Sex, fun conversation, lots of laughs, deviant sense of humor and open to pretty much anything in bed, inexperience. Bearing in mind that I have never before found younger men attractive or appealing. Actually I would have been repulsed by the idea as recently as a few months ago. MM who is 25 opened that door by coming onto me. His BF by corresponding with me on a dating site.

 

Long Term

Companionship, mutual respect, intellect, mutual support, ready to be each others rock when needed (not to often needed though). Fun, shared interests and individual interests. Open to silly stuff. Like pumpkin carving or rollerblading, getting excited about Xmas. Being a positive role model to my son without trying to be his father. Having a good relationship with my son that is not overbearing.

 

To figure out the answer to the perpetual question "Why?" we often have to look deep within ourselves to try and understand our feelings and desires, and analyze the events of our past that led us to become the person we are today. If we break the big question "Why?" down into enough smaller, simpler questions, enough times, eventually we will find an answer that we can be satisfied with.

 

That's something that will take an awful lot of thought. Events at the end of December 2007 led me into intensive therapy for the first 6mnths of 2009. I was introduced to, among many things, the concept of authentic self and false self. I've been a little concerned recently as to which I am operating under. It feels like my authentic self. But as an outside observer it would look like false self.

 

The questions you have posed are definitely addressed to my authentic self. I will definitely go through this part over and over. First, I will have to master the skill of breaking it down into smaller questions.

 

Do you have any suggestions as to how I might achieve that?

[justforfun]

It gives context. Its not that you don't need commitment, its that you fear it. To have an affair with a 'taken' person is a "safe" option and the sought of option a person who fears commitment would choose.

 

.

 

That's really something I have to think about and be prepared for the possibility that you may be right.

 

To me a fear of commitment involves feeling anxious and hesitant when you think about committing. Would you identify it as that? How would I know if I do fear commitment?

Edited November 18, 2009 by justforfun

[A O]

To me a fear of commitment involves feeling anxious and hesitant when you think about committing. Would you identify it as that?

Of course, but more to the point - why do these feelings arise? Some people that feel this way have a history of poor relationship choices, henceforth, they stop trusting their judgment (if they ever did trust it in the first place) so they take the soft option, the safe option, and look for, enter into, relationships that have very little long-term potential.

 

Other types, usually men, find it a daunting prospect to remain faithful to one woman, henceforth, they rarely commit themselves to anything long-term.

 

 

How would I know if I do fear commitment?

Well, for starters, you could try and work out why you feel anxious and hesitant. Is it your past choices, or do you have an insatiable sexual appetite that one relationship simply can't quench or is it something else altogether?

 

Otherwise, your actions will do the talking. If you find yourself consistently choosing dysfunctional set-ups or men then that is a sign that you do fear commitment.

 

I've been a little concerned recently as to which I am operating under. It feels like my authentic self. But as an outside observer it would look like false self.

Regardless of which 'self' you choose to be, having an affair is good for neither.

 

.

[justforfun]

Of course, but more to the point - why do these feelings arise? Some people that feel this way have a history of poor relationship choices, henceforth, they stop trusting their judgment (if they ever did trust it in the first place) so they take the soft option, the safe option, and look for, enter into, relationships that have very little long-term potential.

 

Other types, usually men, find it a daunting prospect to remain faithful to one woman, henceforth, they rarely commit themselves to anything long-term.

 

 

Well, for starters, you could try and work out why you feel anxious and hesitant. Is it your past choices, or do you have an insatiable sexual appetite that one relationship simply can't quench or is it something else altogether?

 

Otherwise, your actions will do the talking. If you find yourself consistently choosing dysfunctional set-ups or men then that is a sign that you do fear commitment.

 

Regardless of which 'self' you choose to be, having an affair is good for neither.

 

.

 

Thanks for the pointers AO. I will definitely think them through.

 

(just to say that I don't feel anxious when I think about commitment just that I'm thinking if I'm scared of the commitment isn't that what I should feel?)

[A O]

(just to say that I don't feel anxious when I think about commitment just that I'm thinking if I'm scared of the commitment isn't that what I should feel?)

OK, I read a little bit more of your other thread. That person reminds me of a woman not long out of a suffocating relationship/marriage (in your case - extreme boredom) who once set free of these shackles, simply wants to play around for awhile. The freedom of it all is highly intoxicating and choosing men/situations that don't have a long-term future attached, is one way of maintaining this newly found freedom.

 

Nonetheless, when the right man comes along - you'll be in like flynn (as most women in your circumstance tend to end up doing).

 

.