I'm Trying To Understand Why I Don't Want A Committed Relationship

[Devil Inside]

JFF...I want to know why you are asking why?

 

Does it seem atypical to you that this should be a satisfying way to be in relationships, or is it atypical for you?

[justforfun]

Hello you...where ya been? Why are you asking why I'm asking why? Why why why? :laugh:

 

Anyway, it's because it's atypical for me. I really don't give a rats arse. I'm just loving the attention. And as a very recent convert to younger men (as in the last couple of months) I'm really loving it. I wish I had one for every night of the week! (I'm working on that bit)

 

JFF...I want to know why you are asking why?

 

Does it seem atypical to you that this should be a satisfying way to be in relationships, or is it atypical for you?

[justforfun]

OK, I read a little bit more of your other thread. That person reminds me of a woman not long out of a suffocating relationship/marriage (in your case - extreme boredom) who once set free of these shackles, simply wants to play around for awhile. The freedom of it all is highly intoxicating and choosing men/situations that don't have a long-term future attached, is one way of maintaining this newly found freedom.

 

That really makes a lot of sense to me. Because I am consciously choosing unavailable men and I am enjoying that feeling of freedom. I'm not beholden to any one of them!

 

Nonetheless, when the right man comes along - you'll be in like flynn (as most women in your circumstance tend to end up doing).

 

.

 

:D I can see that definitely. I am still open to meeting the 'right one'. I am internet dating with men my age. No sex...just meeting for coffee or a walk just to see. I have one I'm particularly enjoying online but we have yet to meet. So, I am open and actively looking. Just not ready for it yet. If I do find a real good one I will definitely be wanting to take it at a snails pace.

[Boundary Problem]

:D I can see that definitely. I am still open to meeting the 'right one'. I am internet dating with men my age. No sex...just meeting for coffee or a walk just to see. I have one I'm particularly enjoying online but we have yet to meet. So, I am open and actively looking. Just not ready for it yet. If I do find a real good one I will definitely be wanting to take it at a snails pace.

 

I agree.

 

You really want to take your time before having sex with a man.

 

"snails pace". Thanks JFF - I'm going to have to remember that.

 

 

Commitment/no commitment. bottom line is - make him wait. They love it - trust me.

 

I'm off to the gym now.

[Boundary Problem]

Well while I was at the gym, I was trying to figure out how to express why some of us females are reluctant for a committed relationship:

 

Basically we have everything we want: children, career, home, bills paid, great friendships, interesting hobbies, travel, extended family.

 

So - what value does a man bring to our lives?

 

If I want to go to the symphony a couple times a month, and go for dinner once a week, and have a bedroom partner a few times a week, I don't think I need a committed relationship for that.

 

The reality is that I'll probably settle on someone. Who? I don't know. I have many to pick from.

 

I'll pick one and see how it goes.

 

But as you can see - I don't need a man to swoop in and rescue me and get me pregnant. I'm just looking for companionship and if all the pieces fall into place - great. But it isn't something I'm actively seeking to be honest.

 

The pain of my former marriage exceeds my drive to have more children for me. I would have to be pretty trusting of the person I was with before I would open myself up to that level of vulnerability again.

 

Some of us were hurt pretty badly by our first spouse and we would rather be single than put up with someone else's b.s. There is just no incentive to settle.

[A O]

So - what value does a man bring to our lives?

The same value that we think women bring to our lives, whatever that may be.

 

The reality is that I'll probably settle on someone. Who? I don't know. I have many to pick from.

The more options one has, the harder it can be to settle down for sure

 

Some of us were hurt pretty badly by our first spouse and we would rather be single than put up with someone else's b.s.

Some people learn from their past and grow, others simply become a slave to it.

 

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[Boundary Problem]

Some people learn from their past and grow, others simply become a slave to it.

.

 

 

Only a person who doesn't love themselves would allow their past to enslave them (and those who love them).

 

I'm probably done with LS for a week. If you want, you can contact me offline.

[A O]

Only a person who doesn't love themselves would allow their past to enslave them (and those who love them).

I've not heard that one before. Without putting a lot of thought into it, I don't think its that simple.

 

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[justforfun]

I agree.

 

You really want to take your time before having sex with a man.

 

"snails pace". Thanks JFF - I'm going to have to remember that.

 

 

Commitment/no commitment. bottom line is - make him wait. They love it - trust me.

 

I'm off to the gym now.

 

How was the gym? Thanks for making me feel like a lazy bugger!

 

I'm okay waiting if it's something I'm considering making a commitment to. I don't see it as making him wait. I just see it as both of us waiting until we have the foundation of a commitment before we consummate the relationship. When it does actually mean something. You know?

 

But in a non-committed relationship that I'm only in for the sex. It doesn't make much sense to wait. I want mine too!! :laugh:

[A O]

You really want to take your time before having sex with a man. "snails pace". Thanks JFF - I'm going to have to remember that.

Commitment/no commitment. bottom line is - make him wait. They love it - trust me.

Missed this post. This is why its so important to know exactly what you want so that you don't have to play someone else's games.

 

That'll be 'you' in a generic sense also.

 

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[justforfun]

Not really getting this post AO.

 

I think I should say though that 'making him wait' seems like a game to me.

 

If that's what I want and he wants it too. Then I'm all go! Va va voom!

 

But if it has potential to be a serious relationship then I think it's important for both people to get to know each other before jumping into bed. I think if you don't then that is the time when you are most likely to end up emotionally attached to someone who isn't good for you.

 

 

Missed this post. This is why its so important to know exactly what you want so that you don't have to play someone else's games.

 

That'll be 'you' in a generic sense also.

 

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[stillafool]

I've reached a point in my life where I really don't want commitment.

 

I know that people say that's not want they want but I know that I really don't.

 

Well, I'm open to an exclusive relationship but even then I don't want a guy living in my house. I don't want one that want's to come round..snuggle up on the sofa and watch stupid tv every night. I don't want a guy in my bed every night. I like my bed and it fits me just fine.

 

I want someone that can make me laugh. someone smart, funny and cute. I don't want to be committed. If I'm going out then I'm going out. I don't have to say who where or what I'm doing. If he's doing something too then lets just talk about when we can meet up, not what he's doing or doing it with as to why we cant.

 

Sometimes it takes a long time to work yourself out. I'm at a point in my life where I can look at the things I want and the things I don't want and hopefully find something close to what I want. It doesn't sound cool to most people everyone tells me it doesn't work out like that...what if, what if, blah blah bollocks.

 

But why cant people in a non committed relationship, who don't have to put up with all that relationship stuff actually enjoy the time they have together as much as they enjoy their independent life?

 

I've been in committed relationships and it's suffocating. Inevitably someone is lying to someone. Not even just the big stuff. What about the little things...'sure honey you can change the channel..I don't mind'. all that 'no I don't mind'..'sure that's okay'...blah blah. That's not where I want to make my compromises in life.

 

Like I said, I am open to an exclusive relationship but I'm not actively seeking it. I have a potential guy for that right now. But I am so ready to take it at a snail's pace! I have no feelings of need. I don't want to jump into it. If it develops then it does if it doesn't then it doesn't. We have a lot in common. He has introduced me to a Russian writer for example whose book I just have to get. I love that intellectual stimulation and he is cute too!

 

I've begun a sexual relationship with someone and I'm not developing any feelings for him. I'll admit that he is 15 years younger than me so I wouldn't be interested in him for a relationship anyway. But when he leaves in the early hours of the morning I have a smile on my face and I go to bed alone happily.

 

I know that there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I don't need that affirmation. I just am curious as to any opinions on why I would be feeling like this. Fingers crossed that it's not just a phase because I'm really enjoying it.

 

Any suggestions? Bring on the pop psychology :D

 

 

Before I met my husband I was in the exact same state. It is healthy that you enjoy your own company. Many people will envy you. I don't see anything wrong with how you feel about yourself as long as you are happy and it sounds like you are.

[A O]

Not really getting this post AO.

 

I think I should say though that 'making him wait' seems like a game to me.

Whoops...that post was to people in general, not generic, and certainly not aimed at you.

 

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[justforfun]

Whoops...that post was to people in general, not generic, and certainly not aimed at you.

 

.

 

No. I didn't mean that. I just meant that I didn't understand what you meant.

[A O]

No. I didn't mean that. I just meant that I didn't understand what you meant.

Right, I see. My point is, if you know what you're looking for in a partner, from a relationship, then you won't be subject to someone else's games. Be proactive rather than reactive basically. BP's 'waiting' tactic would be launchable material in book for example, all things considered.

 

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[Devil Inside]

Hello you...where ya been? Why are you asking why I'm asking why? Why why why? :laugh:

 

Anyway, it's because it's atypical for me. I really don't give a rats arse. I'm just loving the attention. And as a very recent convert to younger men (as in the last couple of months) I'm really loving it. I wish I had one for every night of the week! (I'm working on that bit)

 

 

JFF I ask because it's what I do. I also ask because it changes my answer from a philosophical one to a more personal one. I can't, however, promise I will not ask more questions.

 

Seems to me that you are at a point where you feel very fulfilled and satisfied with having physical and fun relationships that don't need to involve attachment or commitment. I think that is great. It appears you have no problem finding attractive partners (you cougar you!) and you get what you need from the relationship. As long as you are upfront with them I see no issue. In fact, many guys would love that set up....are Tuesdays claimed?

 

From what I read you had some long term relationships that left you with a desire to express yourself more freely and get some of the things you wanted. You have done the work in therapy to be very confident in yourself, and judging by some of the books you read you have identified some dysfunctional patterns in your relationships that you are now avoiding by not becoming too attached or committed. In a way you are finding about yourself, what you like, and what you don't. The next time you do commit it will be the right guy and there is no need to settle.

 

Sound pretty good to me. Have fun stalking!

[Calendula]

From your OP and your answers to my previous set of questions (some of which I've included below), I can offer the following bits of perspective. (For those of you wondering why my next few entries are as long as they are, JFF asked for my input by PM , so here goes)

 

Why your previous relationships ended:

I was 15. It lasted for just over a year. I ended it because of my promiscuous behavior at that time.

 

Three serious relationships. I ended the first one.

 

The second he ended. We came to visit the US, Florida where his family were. They treated me very badly, excluded me from everything. He started an affair and so I flew to NY to stay with my family. We argued constantly on the telephone. At the end of the trip I flew back to the UK and he stayed here. We had just come to end. We weren't mature enough to have reasonable discussion. Every argument we had became a frustrated slanging match. It wasn't fun anymore.

 

I was also clingy. In the sense that at the time I started dating him my parents split after 25 years. It was difficult and painful and he provided sanctuary.

 

My third was my ex-husband. I walked out because he treated me like a Princess and hated my son from a previous relationship. Our family therapist described it as how a male lion comes into the pride and kills the cubs that are already there. We went through the motions, family therapy, individual therapy, marriage therapy. Nothing changed so I left. To this day he clings to a hope I will return.

 

I've had a few flings of 3-6 mnths.

 

From the ones I can remember.

 

I broke up with him because of his emotional and physical abuse. That was a shame because my son was around 9mnths old when we got together and he was a wonderful potential father to him. He loved him as if he was his own. He just couldn't help beating up the mother!!!!

 

Another because he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. He felt he needed to go and live his life without the ball and chain. And he couldn't achieve this wonderful life with me tagging along as he saw it. Didn't quite work out that way for him but hey ho.

 

From what you've described above, and what you included in your OP regarding the type of relationship you are currently most interested in, I would agree with some of the prevoius posters in this thread, such as the post by 'Devil Inside' immediately previous to this one. It seems that you've learned from your past and are ready for something different.

 

I would also say that what you are currently experiencing isn’t so much a phase (implying you will end up back where you started) of your life as a stage, a stage that takes you one step closer to finding happiness for yourself and for your future relationships. I would propose that a possible reason for why you currently have no interest in being involved with a man in a ‘committed’ relationship is because you are currently focused on being committed to yourself, your wants and desires. Personally, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. Until you know what you want for you, and what makes you happy, how will you be able to effectively communicate this to your future partner? We all know that men can’t read our minds, and even if they could it wouldn’t help them much if you don’t already know what will make you happy. (same goes for you men out there )

[Calendula]

This is what you put for what you want in a relationship:

Short term ~ Now and in the future

Sex, fun conversation, lots of laughs, deviant sense of humor and open to pretty much anything in bed, inexperience. Bearing in mind that I have never before found younger men attractive or appealing. Actually I would have been repulsed by the idea as recently as a few months ago. MM who is 25 opened that door by coming onto me. His BF by corresponding with me on a dating site.

 

Long Term

Companionship, mutual respect, intellect, mutual support, ready to be each others rock when needed (not to often needed though). Fun, shared interests and individual interests. Open to silly stuff. Like pumpkin carving or rollerblading, getting excited about Xmas. Being a positive role model to my son without trying to be his father. Having a good relationship with my son that is not overbearing.

 

From what you described of what you want for a long term committed relationship it sounds to me like what you are seeking is emotional and intellectual intimacy with a potential long term partner as exposed to physical intimacy. While physical intimacy may be a part of what you hope to have with such a LTR person, it can also be enjoyable in a short term relationship that doesn’t involve other types of intimacy.

 

From my perspective, many people have trouble distinguishing between physical intimacy (sex), and emotional intimacy (sharing your feelings), and while I believe that the two are closely connected, I also think it is possible to keep them separate and be able to enjoy the physical pleasures without the emotional significance that some people place on the act of sex. If both partners are consenting, informed adults, making intelligent decisions, having sex for the sake of physical enjoyment can be a great deal of fun and an excellent stress release. This is especially the case if you lay the ground rules with your potential partner before actually doing anything (use of condoms, regular STD testing, how do we define our relationship and what does that definition mean to each of us, who leaves in the morning, will we do other things in public together, what will we do when we find someone else to sleep with, do I need to tell you if I want to sleep with someone else in addition to you, etc.). Sure you might be using each other, but at least you are honest about it and you both chose to do it (whatever your reasons). There is a certain degree of trust that is required, involved mostly with your physical health (STDs, pregnancy, etc), but the emotional trust (sharing your deepest darkest secrets with the person) that hopefully develops in a long term partnership doesn’t necessarily have to be present. When you find someone with whom you can share both types of trust and intimacy (emotional and physical), then you may be on your way to finding that ideal partner.

 

 

I think that what you have described for what you want in a long term relationship is an excellent start towards finding that one person for you. The more detail you can include in your description, the easier it will be to more quickly eliminate those who don’t fit, and save yourself time and trouble. Also, the more you know about what you want and what is important to you, the easier it will be to communicate this to someone you are potentially interested in. In your personal detailed list of what you want, you may consider adding criteria relating to religious views, problem solving approaches (how will you deal with arguments or disagreements), family values (discipline, respect, and attitudes towards your son, attitudes towards siblings or parents, etc), mutual trust, respect, and freedom of thought, similar or complimentary life stages and perspectives, and complementary or similar intelligence or education level. Set your standards high in terms of what you want and keep them there. Decide what is most important to you and what you are willing to compromise on if the person under consideration has certain essential characteristics, and don’t let your well thought out decisions be influenced by the urges of the moment or temporary emotional turmoil. Make your own set of relationship rules that work for you and stick to them.

 

Sure, you may eliminate a lot of people, and you may stay ‘single/ uncommitted’ for a fair length of time, but I believe that if you know what you are looking for then you will be better able to identify that one person when they finally do come into your life.

[Calendula]

The following exchange got me thinking about the difference between fear or reluctance for entering into a committed relationship, and lack of desire or feelings of need to do so. One set of reasons for avoiding committment is negative (hurt in the past, don't want to repeat it), while the other set of reasons is more having a lack of the positive (no additional benefit gained by a LTR with someone who isn't ideal). I've included a few more comments after the end of the exchange, elaborating on this:

 

Its not that you don't need commitment, its that you fear it. To have an affair with a 'taken' person is a "safe" option and the sought of option a person who fears commitment would choose.

 

That's really something I have to think about and be prepared for the possibility that you may be right.

 

To me a fear of commitment involves feeling anxious and hesitant when you think about committing. Would you identify it as that? How would I know if I do fear commitment?

 

Of course, but more to the point - why do these feelings arise? Some people that feel this way have a history of poor relationship choices, henceforth, they stop trusting their judgment (if they ever did trust it in the first place) so they take the soft option, the safe option, and look for, enter into, relationships that have very little long-term potential.

 

Other types, usually men, find it a daunting prospect to remain faithful to one woman, henceforth, they rarely commit themselves to anything long-term.

 

Well, for starters, you could try and work out why you feel anxious and hesitant. Is it your past choices, or do you have an insatiable sexual appetite that one relationship simply can't quench or is it something else altogether?

 

just to say that I don't feel anxious when I think about commitment, just that I'm thinking if I'm scared of the commitment isn't that what I should feel?

 

Well while I was at the gym, I was trying to figure out how to express why some of us females are reluctant for a committed relationship:

 

Basically we have everything we want: children, career, home, bills paid, great friendships, interesting hobbies, travel, extended family.

So - what value does a man bring to our lives?

 

The pain of my former marriage exceeds my drive to have more children for me. I would have to be pretty trusting of the person I was with before I would open myself up to that level of vulnerability again.

 

Some of us were hurt pretty badly by our first spouse and we would rather be single than put up with someone else's b.s. There is just no incentive to settle.

 

I think there is a difference between being reluctant or fearing entering into a committed, exclusive, long term relationship with someone, and recognizing that it is something you simply don’t need to make you happy. For this difference, asking the question ‘why?’ is quite a valid exercise. If your answer to the question of why you don’t want a committed relationship is because it is something you fear or are reluctant to repeat, then perhaps you should spend some more time examining your past to determine the cause for such feelings and deal with them. If you never make a point of dealing with such issues, they will most likely just resurface and cause problems in any future relationship, potentially causing a repeat of the previous bad experience.

 

If your answer is because you are simply content with being independent and alone, and are fully prepared to be committed when the right person shows up, then I would think your biggest concern would be how to determine or identify that person when they finally appear. In order to identify that person, I think that reexamining what you truly want from a potential partner becomes the most important exercise for the future success of your next LTR. You often have to at least have an idea what you are looking for before you can find it.

[Calendula]

I also had a few comments on the below exchange. Personally, I would agree with you that your current relationship situation with a man who just happens to be married has relatively little bearing on your reasons for currently not feeling the need to have a committed relationship with someone. My additional comments are below the exchange.

 

Isnt that guy the married one you are seeing behind his wifes back?

 

But so I understand this correctly, you are having an affair with a married man, but your concern is why you yourself appear hesitant to get into a committed relationship?

 

Have I got that correctly?

 

In what way does my having an affair with a MM make me understand why I don't feel the need for commitment?

 

Those statements are two unrelated facts. I am having sex with a MM yes. I am not hesitant about getting into a committed relationship. I have no desire to be in a committed relationship.

 

Well obviously my current path is my current path. Thanks for the good wishes but somehow I detect a sense of sarcasm. In fact it's obvious. Oh well.

 

The issue of having sexual relations with a married man, from my perspective, seems to be more his problem than yours. For you, he is simply another ‘play mate,’ while for him there could be all sorts of emotional and ethical issues that he needs to deal with involving his marriage and why he feels the need to seek sexual enjoyment with someone other than his wife.

 

A possible concern for you in this situation is that he (or his wife) may decide at some point in the future ‘it was your fault’ that their marriage didn’t work, if only because it is easier to cast blame on someone other than one’s self. To me, this is nonsense, but many people find it easier to blame relationship problems on the acts that result from unhappiness and the people involved (blaming things on you and his act of extramarital sex), instead of on the root causes of the unhappiness itself (their own lack of effective communication, typically). I think some of this tendency to cast blame inappropriately comes from a natural reluctance both face and try to fix the more difficult root causes of a problem; it is hard to face and deal with your problems, and easier to blame others.

 

On a positive note, perhaps your relationship with him will help him identify and work through his marital problems, but unfortunately it may also help him decide that he wants something different from his life and that he should change his current marital status for himself (never for or because of you). These things are his choices, and no one (including yourself) should blame you for the choices someone else chooses to make. It was/is his conscious decision, to enter into (you said he flirted with and approached you) and continue this relationship with you and no one can make him change his mind or act on those decisions but himself.

 

The only thing you could possibly do is tell him you don't want a relationship with him, but if you have no problem with his marital status, then why should you feel the need to do this? His problems with his marriage are HIS problems, not yours, and it isn't your job (or anyone else's) to try and solve them for him. If he wasn't sleeping with you, chances are he would just be sleeping with someone else, anyway.

[Calendula]

To figure out the answer to the perpetual question "Why?" we often have to look deep within ourselves to try and understand our feelings and desires, and analyze the events of our past that led us to become the person we are today.

 

That's something that will take an awful lot of thought. Events at the end of December 2007 led me into intensive therapy for the first 6mnths of 2009. I was introduced to, among many things, the concept of authentic self and false self. I've been a little concerned recently as to which I am operating under. It feels like my authentic self. But as an outside observer it would look like false self.

 

The questions you have posed are definitely addressed to my authentic self. I will definitely go through this part over and over.

 

 

I would be hesitant to delineate between only two sides of ‘self’ – authentic vs. false. I feel that we all have many different parts of ourselves, some parts which are closer to the surface of our awareness than others, and I see the idea of ‘self’ as more of a multifaceted and multilayered gem than a two sided card. We as people are complex, and different parts of ourselves, different facets of that gem, may be shown in different situations we encounter throughout our lives. Some of those sides of ourselves we may not like as much as others, but those are the parts we just need to recognize and work on some more, add a bit of polish, so to speak. There are also different depths of our ‘selves’ to which we allow different people to see. The closer someone is to us, the deeper inside our gem of self they will be able to peer, through the different facets that we show them. The farther away we hold someone, the less of us (our true self) they may see, and they certainly see less deeply into the depths of what makes you unique.

 

On a day to day basis, with people we work with for instance, we may show a certain side of our personality, the professional side that lets little of our personal emotions or internal struggles show through. With your current MM ‘play mate’ I would think that the side of you that he sees is also more of an outer surface, the playful, sensual, experienced older woman, who is confident and knows what she wants. With your family, they see yet another side of you, and might never get know the details of your private life or your past relationships. With your son, you are yet another person all together. All of these facets are still you, still your true, authentic self, just different parts of it. If you don’t like the way you are with some particular set of people in your life, than make the choice to change it; decide what you don’t like about your behavior and work to be more aware of it so you can consciously alter that particular behavior when you are tempted to repeat it.

 

False self, I would argue, is when you take actions, make statements, or make decisions that are counter to any aspect of who you really are and what you truly value as important. I think people are most often being false to themselves when they act a certain way as a result of peer or relationship pressures, even though the actions they take are not something they would ever be ok with doing on their own. They changed their choices because someone outside of themselves asked them to or implied that they had to in order to be accepted. As long as you are making conscious, informed decisions/actions/statements based on what you feel is important, for you, then you are being true to yourself and are supporting your ‘authentic self.’ In the big scheme of things, if you feel like you are doing this, then I would say don't worry about what the 'outside observer' might think; only you are responsible for your ultimate happiness, and the opinions of others should matter little when you are the one who ultimately has to live with your choices in life.

 

The above discussion of self is significant, as a strong sense of self can help dictate the direction a given relationship will take (long or short term) and whether a new relationship is worth pursuing. When you first meet someone, you can ask yourself the following questions: Do you like who you are (the side of yourself that you show) when you are with that particular person? Does the person you choose to be with help you either balance or work on those parts of you that you currently dislike? Will they support you and still care for you when you aren’t at your best (showing a side of your ‘self’ that you aren’t proud of)? Would they be understanding and supportive enough to help you find the polish to work on smoothing out that particular rough spot? If you can answer all of these questions with a ‘yes,’ then you might just have found a good one worth pursuing.

[Boundary Problem]

I would be hesitant to delineate between only two sides of ‘self’ – authentic vs. false. I feel that we all have many different parts of ourselves, some parts which are closer to the surface of our awareness than others, and I see the idea of ‘self’ as more of a multifaceted and multilayered gem than a two sided card. We as people are complex, and different parts of ourselves, different facets of that gem, may be shown in different situations we encounter throughout our lives. Some of those sides of ourselves we may not like as much as others, but those are the parts we just need to recognize and work on some more, add a bit of polish, so to speak. There are also different depths of our ‘selves’ to which we allow different people to see. The closer someone is to us, the deeper inside our gem of self they will be able to peer, through the different facets that we show them. The farther away we hold someone, the less of us (our true self) they may see, and they certainly see less deeply into the depths of what makes you unique.

 

On a day to day basis, with people we work with for instance, we may show a certain side of our personality, the professional side that lets little of our personal emotions or internal struggles show through. With your current MM ‘play mate’ I would think that the side of you that he sees is also more of an outer surface, the playful, sensual, experienced older woman, who is confident and knows what she wants. With your family, they see yet another side of you, and might never get know the details of your private life or your past relationships. With your son, you are yet another person all together. All of these facets are still you, still your true, authentic self, just different parts of it. If you don’t like the way you are with some particular set of people in your life, than make the choice to change it; decide what you don’t like about your behavior and work to be more aware of it so you can consciously alter that particular behavior when you are tempted to repeat it.

 

False self, I would argue, is when you take actions, make statements, or make decisions that are counter to any aspect of who you really are and what you truly value as important. I think people are most often being false to themselves when they act a certain way as a result of peer or relationship pressures, even though the actions they take are not something they would ever be ok with doing on their own. They changed their choices because someone outside of themselves asked them to or implied that they had to in order to be accepted. As long as you are making conscious, informed decisions/actions/statements based on what you feel is important, for you, then you are being true to yourself and are supporting your ‘authentic self.’ In the big scheme of things, if you feel like you are doing this, then I would say don't worry about what the 'outside observer' might think; only you are responsible for your ultimate happiness, and the opinions of others should matter little when you are the one who ultimately has to live with your choices in life.

 

The above discussion of self is significant, as a strong sense of self can help dictate the direction a given relationship will take (long or short term) and whether a new relationship is worth pursuing. When you first meet someone, you can ask yourself the following questions: Do you like who you are (the side of yourself that you show) when you are with that particular person? Does the person you choose to be with help you either balance or work on those parts of you that you currently dislike? Will they support you and still care for you when you aren’t at your best (showing a side of your ‘self’ that you aren’t proud of)? Would they be understanding and supportive enough to help you find the polish to work on smoothing out that particular rough spot? If you can answer all of these questions with a ‘yes,’ then you might just have found a good one worth pursuing.

 

 

 

This goes back to a thread started yesterday about what to look for in a life partner (values and growing together). This also explains why it can be better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship can be with a perfectly good person, but nonetheless a person that does not bring out the best in us (for whatever reason).

 

I think in today's age of cell phones, blackberries and busybusy lifestyle, in some ways people have stopped "listening" to each other. That is why LS is such an important source of support, because I think for the most part people really listen here. They listen and reflect on what is said, far more than a lot of our friends in non-virtual life have time for with their busybusy lives.

[Calendula]

This goes back to a thread started yesterday about what to look for in a life partner (values and growing together). This also explains why it can be better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship can be with a perfectly good person, but nonetheless a person that does not bring out the best in us (for whatever reason).

 

I think in today's age of cell phones, blackberries and busybusy lifestyle, in some ways people have stopped "listening" to each other. That is why LS is such an important source of support, because I think for the most part people really listen here. They listen and reflect on what is said, far more than a lot of our friends in non-virtual life have time for with their busybusy lives.

 

I missed that thread, I'll have to check it out. Which one was it and where? It just happens to be something that I've done a lot of thinking about for myself and my own relationships.

 

I agree that a lot of people don't 'listen' as effectively as they could. You can talk for hours with someone, but if you aren't effectively communicating what you have to say in a way that the person you are talking to understands, then you end up just wasting your time and becoming frustrated. Effective communcation requires at least two active particapants; both people have to make an effort.

Edited November 21, 2009 by Calendula
added question

[justforfun]

Calendula

 

I haven't responded to your posts because I have been pondering them. But I just wanted to let you know how amazing you are.

 

You have given me so much to think about. So much help. I have been reading and reading your posts. There are parts that apply right now and parts that I am filing mentally so that I can come back to them.

 

In particular, for now, I have found the multi-faceted v authentic/false self.

 

I can't thank you enough for that. It's like having permission to be myself. I had put so much energy into being my authentic self but had lost direction, I think. I felt that I had to be truthful, honest, myself in every situation but without realizing that there are many selves. I love the idea of layers. I was starting to feel exposed, putting my authentic self 'out there' all the time. Now I know I can present different sides of myself.

 

For example, I read this again just before leaving for a friends party. I was stuck in a rut of trying to present my authentic self that I was stifling the part of me that loves to go out and have fun.

 

I like inappropriate jokes, silly stories, getting a little rowdy and yes, being center of attention sometimes. The spotlight doesn't always have to be on me. I like to be in a room full of people who all like the spotlight and we take turns!

 

But, I had been telling myself that my authentic self wouldn't behave in that way. That I had to peel off that layer and look deeper within. No, I know I don't! That is me in that situation.

 

I was having difficulty with holding back and pouring myself out there. So, I have been choosing to hold back, just to be safe. Now I can really look at who I can really open up to and not be so constrained.

 

No I know my authentic self can be different things in different situations. I'm not obliged to leave my 'inner self' wide open and then have to close everything up at night. It's too emotionally draining. Now, I can just open the door a little, leave it ajar, open the curtains, let a chink of light in...the poss are endless (I love analogies!)

 

I'm not having the same success in my response as you have in your posts. The main point I'm trying to make is that I feel that I can now be me, more authentically me!

 

I would be hesitant to delineate between only two sides of ‘self’ – authentic vs. false. I feel that we all have many different parts of ourselves, some parts which are closer to the surface of our awareness than others, and I see the idea of ‘self’ as more of a multifaceted and multilayered gem than a two sided card. We as people are complex, and different parts of ourselves, different facets of that gem, may be shown in different situations we encounter throughout our lives. Some of those sides of ourselves we may not like as much as others, but those are the parts we just need to recognize and work on some more, add a bit of polish, so to speak. There are also different depths of our ‘selves’ to which we allow different people to see. The closer someone is to us, the deeper inside our gem of self they will be able to peer, through the different facets that we show them. The farther away we hold someone, the less of us (our true self) they may see, and they certainly see less deeply into the depths of what makes you unique.

 

On a day to day basis, with people we work with for instance, we may show a certain side of our personality, the professional side that lets little of our personal emotions or internal struggles show through. With your current MM ‘play mate’ I would think that the side of you that he sees is also more of an outer surface, the playful, sensual, experienced older woman, who is confident and knows what she wants. With your family, they see yet another side of you, and might never get know the details of your private life or your past relationships. With your son, you are yet another person all together. All of these facets are still you, still your true, authentic self, just different parts of it. If you don’t like the way you are with some particular set of people in your life, than make the choice to change it; decide what you don’t like about your behavior and work to be more aware of it so you can consciously alter that particular behavior when you are tempted to repeat it.

 

False self, I would argue, is when you take actions, make statements, or make decisions that are counter to any aspect of who you really are and what you truly value as important. I think people are most often being false to themselves when they act a certain way as a result of peer or relationship pressures, even though the actions they take are not something they would ever be ok with doing on their own. They changed their choices because someone outside of themselves asked them to or implied that they had to in order to be accepted. As long as you are making conscious, informed decisions/actions/statements based on what you feel is important, for you, then you are being true to yourself and are supporting your ‘authentic self.’ In the big scheme of things, if you feel like you are doing this, then I would say don't worry about what the 'outside observer' might think; only you are responsible for your ultimate happiness, and the opinions of others should matter little when you are the one who ultimately has to live with your choices in life.

 

The above discussion of self is significant, as a strong sense of self can help dictate the direction a given relationship will take (long or short term) and whether a new relationship is worth pursuing. When you first meet someone, you can ask yourself the following questions: Do you like who you are (the side of yourself that you show) when you are with that particular person? Does the person you choose to be with help you either balance or work on those parts of you that you currently dislike? Will they support you and still care for you when you aren’t at your best (showing a side of your ‘self’ that you aren’t proud of)? Would they be understanding and supportive enough to help you find the polish to work on smoothing out that particular rough spot? If you can answer all of these questions with a ‘yes,’ then you might just have found a good one worth pursuing.

[Calendula]

I've been traveling for the holiday, so I haven't had time to check on LS most of this week. When I read your above post it made me very happy that I could be of help to you. I think it is wonderful that I've been able to help you find a new way of percieving youself that gives you the freedom to feel like you can just be you. Perspective can make so much difference some times . We, as people and as women, are much more complex than we ever like to admit, and finding the right analogy can help a lot.

 

Your personality, your 'self', is not a two-sided card, it is a multilayered and multifaceted precious gem, with infinite depths of structure and complexity. I like this analogy.