flosskel Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 I've always had similar problems. Most of my high school friends who I stay in touch with now are so different that we aren't as close. I'm still in college but I haven't made a single lasting friend there. It's hard for me to initiate a conversation with someone but it's much easier for me to keep it going if they start it. Unfortunately, it's always small talk or something relating to the class we're in. Same thing at work. I get along with people there but I'd never hang out with them outside of it. I hate it because I feel like I put on this mask whenever I'm around people because I know that if I were truly myself they'd be weirded out. My humor is really really weird and I'm a bit eccentric. I think I'm going to try out what eeyore1981 said. Set goals for myself. I actually get somewhere by doing this instead of just hoping I get better at being social and finding a lasting friendship. I guess it's best to think of it as a skill. Like just about everything in life some people are just naturally good at certain things while others have to work at it. Unfortunately for us we're the latter but at least that will make it even more fulfilling when we finally meet those goals we set for ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Jordanjames Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Have you thought about cognitive behavioral therapy? Find out if it is covered for free for you to obtain therapy? Find out? Perhaps, you need to join group therapy or see a psychologist on your own? Sometimes it is good to talk to someone about how you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Ok, so I'm the first to admit I'm not the most sociable person. It's not that I'm lazy, I just feel like I'm too old to be fake-smiling my way around a club or pub when I don't want to be there, with people I don't really like. I don't want to pretend I'm someone else all the time. What I want to ask is: how do you make friends, like proper friends? Sounds stupid, I know. But I'm almost 25 and all the friends I made at school/college have moved away, or really changed. I'm not judging them for it - they've got their own lives, we've just got nothing in common anymore and I didn't realise it would be so difficult to find people with similar interests outside of the education arena. I'm quite a polite person, and as a result I find myself stuck talking to the people who just want someone to talk at and aren't in any way interested in you speaking (or even listening) as long as they can hear their own voice. It makes me feel like sh*t, and all I want them to do is shut up and go away. Then after three weeks of talking AT me (because their own friends aren't there) they turn around and ask if my name's Rachel (it's not). I dunno, I think I get my hopes up to much, because I recently joined a sports club with the impression that they would all be really nice and I would make lots of friends (I do this every time), then I'm met with the same mindless, cliquey people, who ignore you completely or only talk to you if their friends aren't there. What's going on? I'm not a boring person (honestly), it just seems impossible to find someone who likes ANY of the same things as me, and actually wants a 'new' friend. Also, my best friend is my younger sister. I mean really, we do everything together and get on so well, it's like we can read each others minds. I guess I should be grateful; some people hate their sisters. But I get made to feel like a loser even for that! Just because I hang out with my sister and don't like going out on the piss every weekend and I can remember peoples names (not that they notice either way). She's pretty much the only person that gets me, which depresses me sometimes but mostly I don't let other people's judgements on this affect me. Okay, I'll sit at home and talk to myself because you find it weird that I'm friends with my sister, all right then... I'm not really whinging and I'm sorry for the long post, I just find it frustrating that I build myself up to be really sociable and friendly, and the only people I end up meeting are exactly the same as the last lot, trendy and self-involved. It makes me want to just stay at home and be anti-social on purpose, so I won't get so annoyed, ha ha! Any advice on how to meet like-minded people? I'm at a loss; anyone else had this problem? What did you do about it? Here's a perspective from a 51 year old woman who used to be the wallflower and be non assertive and now am a successful doctor with a younger husband and quite a few men who would snap me up if I didn't... THIS IS THE THING - at least 80% of the people who will mean the most to you at 50, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET! So don't sweat this... People in their twenties are: -totally self centered, trying to find their way in this harsh world when they still feel like little kids inside, and they are afraid they will be found out.. -not fully developed and don't know themselves yet, and don't really know what they want or how to be a friend, or how to keep confidences -naive, and arrogant because of that. These people will make better friends in 10 years after life has taught them a few hard lessons and taken them down a peg... So...don't go out of your way to find friends, or to please people. Focus on becoming a great, mature, well rounded person with interesting life experiences. Work on yourself, advancing your health and career because YOU deserve it. Read great books,volunteer to help the less fortunate or endangered animals and this devastated planet, travel to other countries, study history and world events, learn to dance, become cultured, become a chef-class cook,and don't care what people think so much. Do what ever you need to do to increase your self confidence. Then, in the process...you will look around and find out people find YOU fascinating and are going out of their way to be YOUR friend... BECOME THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO HAVE, ..AND THEY WILL COME... this is what I did. Hope this perspective helps you a bit! Link to post Share on other sites
flosskel Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Here's a perspective from a 51 year old woman who used to be the wallflower and be non assertive and now am a successful doctor with a younger husband and quite a few men who would snap me up if I didn't... THIS IS THE THING - at least 80% of the people who will mean the most to you at 50, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET! So don't sweat this... People in their twenties are: -totally self centered, trying to find their way in this harsh world when they still feel like little kids inside, and they are afraid they will be found out.. -not fully developed and don't know themselves yet, and don't really know what they want or how to be a friend, or how to keep confidences -naive, and arrogant because of that. These people will make better friends in 10 years after life has taught them a few hard lessons and taken them down a peg... So...don't go out of your way to find friends, or to please people. Focus on becoming a great, mature, well rounded person with interesting life experiences. Work on yourself, advancing your health and career because YOU deserve it. Read great books,volunteer to help the less fortunate or endangered animals and this devastated planet, travel to other countries, study history and world events, learn to dance, become cultured, become a chef-class cook,and don't care what people think so much. Do what ever you need to do to increase your self confidence. Then, in the process...you will look around and find out people find YOU fascinating and are going out of their way to be YOUR friend... BECOME THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO HAVE, ..AND THEY WILL COME... this is what I did. Hope this perspective helps you a bit! Wow, that's all so true. Great advice. Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyGuy85 Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Dazzle52, As someone in my mid twenties, i'd like to think i am not self obsessed, in fact at the moment i kind of hate myself, so, yeah. However, compared to older i definitely agree that people in their twenties are more self obsessed generally. I really wish i could just not care about making friends and just go with the flow, hoping that in the future i will find real friends. The pessimistic side of me, however, has to face facts; i have never really had any close friends, i have always been a person that does things on my own generally, no matter how hard i try and attract friends, and don't even get me started on love! So although i want to put these feelings out of my mind, the truth is that most people judge their future based on their past, which doesn't look good for me. Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 First, I did not mean you were self absorbed, I meant that friendships are often hard when you are young because people generally are very self absorbed and don't make good friends at that age. Sorry if you took it that way. Second, do not put out there that you know you won't have friends or lovers, that kind of thing becomes self fulfilling prophecy. Part of the reason you may be having problems is it sounds like you project a pessimistic air around you and people will shy away from being around someone who is kind of an "Eeyore." If there is something in your growing up years that is keeping you down, work on it and get through it. There is a good book, "Happy for no reason". May sound corny but it has good insights to help someone who is stuck in negative thinking. You sound like you are giving up on the idea of happiness for yourself. Don't throw in the towel at this point. Life can bring unexpected opportunities if you have the eyes to see them. And I'm serious about working on yourself to become an interesting person. Interesting people are NOT born, they are MADE. Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyGuy85 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 I definitely agree that i am a pessismistic person. The truth is that people don't know that though, mainly because i hide it from people. I do that because of the exact reasons you said; no one wants to be around a downer. Other people see me as this fun loving person, i never show them my idosyncratic side, or how anxious simple interactions make me. I know that i need to work on myself though. It's an area where i need to start. I also know that i need to go back into my past to get some closure so that i can develop myself. I didn't take offence from your post. I do agree that it's hard to make friends with people who are generally self absorbed. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts