NOTSURE7 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I am writing this in hopes of helping others who are thinking about having an affair.i am finally at a place were i feel my experiences can help someone avoid the mistakes i made. If you have any love for your significant other,its just not worth it,you are hurting them,even if they dont know about the A you are hurting them ,please understand this.. I was not a saint and i expect the usual suspects to call me out, which most who know me and have read my posts know that dosent faze or stop ,but i truly want my experiences to help someone, if i can keep one person from commiting this act then i would feel i accomplished something... A short recap of my story,i confessed to my w about my A, i wasnt caught and i never thought she would find out but i told her because it was the right thing to do.The journey i have been on since then has been mixed with so many emotions but through it all i have fallen in love with my wife again in a whole new way. Those of you out there who are thinking about having an affair and are under the guise that what they dont know wont hurt them are dead wrong..the hurt you are causing is undeniable,the devastation i have caused my wife and the children of my mother is beyong describable, i broke her heart in tiny pieces all for nothing. I woke up and decided that i wanted my marriage and my family,fortunately for me i had a good woman who chose to give me the chance to show her that i can be the man she not only wants but the one her and my children need and deserve, i have been open,accountable,loving and i have made her my number 1 priority...she deserves nothing short of that.. please out there know that its never too late to do the right thing,its never too late to love,its never too late to make positive changes, even if you are currently caught up in the throws of the A,thinking you are in such a deep love with this op,i say,take a step back, go nc and you will see that its not all that it seems.i promise. I am not saying go home and confess,thats an individuals decision but for me it was the only way for me to break my cycle,to open myself up to learning and understanding and to not only see the world through my eyes and do only whats good for me. I have gone down an emotional road with my wife, i have done everyhting and anything i can to show her that i am changing my ways and that i want to love her unconditionally.. i continue everyday to be there for her and most of all i work on myself,i dont just do what she asks, i think to myself how can i make her happy.. I am writing all of this in hopes that someone out there who is thinking about having an A or is deep in one will read and understand that its not worth it.. i read somewhere were someone said if your having an affair you better make sure that the op is worth losing what you have..the statement is so true.. My wife probably never would have known but on the flip side we would never have been able to connect and understand eachother like we are these days.. I was so busy being selfish that i never realized how much love i really have in me for my wife... this road has plenty of ups and downs, i have seen heartbreak and tears and anger like i have never witnessed before but i know in my heart that this is what i want and nothing will deter me.. Please anyone thinking of having an affair read this and understand what i am saying, its just not worth it.. go home to your spouse,use the energy and the thoughts you have in a positive way,make your wife or husband feel special,let them know you love them and that they can love you back... in the end you will be happy, i hurt my w and i almost through it all away..please dont make the same mistake... Link to post Share on other sites
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Betrayed man chiming in....2 years later. My WW had a 6 month affair. She spoke with OM for a max of 1 hour a day. She met om for 1 hour a week for 3 months. The pain I have endured outweighs WW's pleasure 100 times. Someday I will make a rough calculation. But, for example, the first year after discovery, I obsessed for 12-18 hours a day! Furthermore, even if we matched the feeling side by side..meaning...if my obsession lasted the EXACT amount of time the affair did...... Every minute of pain......I can assure you ....FAR exceeded the level of pleasure. An affair is more than the sum of it's parts.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) Betrayed man chiming in....2 years later. My WW had a 6 month affair. She spoke with OM for a max of 1 hour a day. She met om for 1 hour a week for 3 months. The pain I have endured outweighs WW's pleasure 100 times. Someday I will make a rough calculation. But, for example, the first year after discovery, I obsessed for 12-18 hours a day! Furthermore, even if we matched the feeling side by side..meaning...if my obsession lasted the EXACT amount of time the affair did...... Every minute of pain......I can assure you ....FAR exceeded the level of pleasure. An affair is more than the sum of it's parts.... I am sorry for your pain, i see it first hand everyday with my w,when we have these affairs and fulfill our selfish needs we dont ever realize the magnitude of hurt and pain we cause our loved one. My w only wanted to love me and did everything she promised she would and more, i broke the vows,i hurt her,i took her happiness away, it was me and my selfishness,my thinking i deserved things,that the world revolved around me... Thanks for your story,it will help this post which is meant to help people who are out there and reading that are thinking of having an affair or feeling guilty in the middle of an affair and maybe cause them to stop and reasses what they are doing.. i want people to understand the hurt and the pain that i have witnessed first hand and realize that they have already caused hurt and suffering and that its not wotrh it,i dont care what excuse they have or what pleasure or feelings of that love they say they experience,its not right and its not fair to do this to another human being.. i know that now but i wish i knew it a long time ago.. Edited November 17, 2009 by NOTSURE7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I'm so glad you did an update NS7. And, I'm even happier that things are going well at home. Yes, you certainly have ridden the paths of destruction.. I wish you and your family the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 In my opinion, you were also selfish when you told the wife after you already decided to change your ways. All you did is cause her unnecessary pain. The issues and remorse you could have shouldered on your own and spared her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 I'm so glad you did an update NS7. And, I'm even happier that things are going well at home. Yes, you certainly have ridden the paths of destruction.. I wish you and your family the best. yes i have.... But i am also living proof that its never too late to change,never too late to realize what you have and embrace it,never too late to make the chaanges in yourself and to cut the negativity from your life...even our mc said the other day that she likes me so much more now than she did that first day,she says i have made some great changes and she sees it in how i am with my wife.. thank you for your well wishes... Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Notsure I am glad you decided to give an update and I am really glad that things are going well between you and your wife. I wish you guys the best. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Remember what I kept telling you over and over again? What you put into therapy/counselling is what you get out of it .. And you were so afraid of going and facing all that you needed to face. Be proud of yourself! You're welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) So happy for you and your wife and family! I know it hasn't been easy but I'm glad it has been worth it. Thanks for checking in! Edited November 17, 2009 by IfWishesWereHorses Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 In my opinion, you were also selfish when you told the wife after you already decided to change your ways. All you did is cause her unnecessary pain. The issues and remorse you could have shouldered on your own and spared her. you are welcome to your opinion and to some degree i agree there was some degree of selfishness in telling her,needing her to help me break the cycle,needing to see her pain and in a way having her help me to be the man i should have always been... But before you judge me,you should know my story,i hadnt already decided to change my ways at all..in fact having not taking this step to confess i cant guarentee i ever would have changed... early on as i saw her pain i had the inner battle about whether i should have ever told her or not but the fact is that i did tell her and thats what i decided to do and thats how i need to proceed.. i know that when i look back on the rest of my life that i made the right decision and i know that my wife by my actions will see that it was the right thing for me to to do for us..we are in the proccess of falling in love in a whole new way,she now knows me and knows what she has and in turn i can be open and honest and we are creating a deep connection. so yes you may think its selfish and to some degree your right but the fact i decided to break it all down so i can build it up stronger,the fact that i have decided that my love for my wife is more important than anything and i have endured,nights of her crying all night, no sleeping,her weight loss,anger,triggers therapry etc etc all because i want to love her like she deserves to be loved was my choice and i know it was the right one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Remember what I kept telling you over and over again? What you put into therapy/counselling is what you get out of it .. And you were so afraid of going and facing all that you needed to face. Be proud of yourself! You're welcome. thank you yes i was afraid..but then i opened up and faced the demons,i tackled it all head on and took responsibility for my actions,never once blaming anyone but myself... i now go to ic once a week and mc once a week, but most of all the work i do at home everyday is the most important thing of all... thank you all for your good wishes..i appreciate it.. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 NotSure, thanks for the update. So how is your wife? It's been around 6 months or so since it came out? Is she still angry? Crying? Sad? Do you get thru a day w/o her bringing it up? Does she seem happy or sad? About what percentage of time for each? My H is doing all those 'right things' now (and mostly has been from the beginning w/ a few misteps), but I am still raw with hurt. We just discussed this last nite. I ache with pain. But I love him and I know he loves me. But the pain. the pain the pain. How or what have you done to help alleviate her pain?...even when my H does the things a WS is supposed to do, I cannot escape the pain. I am hoping you can give a suggestion or insight into it from your W's POV. Thanks again NotSure..and good going! Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 NS - I wish you nothing but the best. I was wondering what happened to you. Thanks for the update - I know this hasn't been easy for you. Glad all is "better". Proof Positive........People CAN & DO change. I agree 100% with your tag line.......It is NOT worth it. In my opinion, you were also selfish when you told the wife after you already decided to change your ways. All you did is cause her unnecessary pain. The issues and remorse you could have shouldered on your own and spared her. I totally understand this. Not really sure about being "selfish" but I think that if my husband would not have found out about mine - I would have taken it to my grave. To Tell / Not To Tell - Everyone's situation is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) NS -- thanks for posting your experience. It helped me to read it. I haven't told my spouse of my affair and am not certain at this point I will ever tell him. I'm leaning towards not. I don't think you were selfish for telling, however, and agree it's a personal decision. It seems to have worked well for you. I'm glad things are going better for your relationship!! Edited November 17, 2009 by Samantha0905 Link to post Share on other sites
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I am sorry for your pain, i see it first hand everyday with my w,when we have these affairs and fulfill our selfish needs we dont ever realize the magnitude of hurt and pain we cause our loved one. Thanks for coming and sharing your story and i am sorry for your families pain. It takes a lot to come here and relive the story and talk about the pain you caused someone else. I can feel it, you express it very well. I am glad you had/have a good woman who wants to work things out, she sounds like she is worth changing for, growing for etc. It is not worth it, rarely...I know some people were in bad marriages, unhealthy etc..and I dont judge them. I think the all too common thread and story is that often people who have affairs are just bored or selfish or trying to get some passion back in their life, but many spouses do still love their wives, but got sidetracked. Just a thought... Congrats to you for working hard to regain your wife's trust. I pray it all works out, and thanks for the post! lfmm Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 NotSure, so happy you and your wife are making the progress you are making. I applaud you the courage it must have taken to confess! I believe, not only does confession aid in restoring trust, it forces the couple to examine and repair what went wrong in the first place. Generally, it is considered a greater indicator of being able to restore trust than to accidentally stumble upon your spouse having had an affair, even years later! There are some posters here who have just discovered their spouse had an affair years ago, and they still reel in pain as if it were yesterday. Plus it takes courage to confess, and courage will be necessary to do the hard work of making a marriage better. Good luck in your process. So many people think me, me, me, when the most successful marriages seem to commit to us, us, us. Thanks for the update! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 NS, I was hard as hell on you. Our pm's convinced me you were sincere and I am so happy that you did/do accept responsibility for your actions and work to build new relationship with your wife. I know others told you not to tell her, but I think that step showed your true metal. God bless you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 So many people think me, me, me, when the most successful marriages seem to commit to us, us, us. Spark, this is a great reminder for the WS and also the BS. I have been in the me me me camp for so long (since the A was revealed) I am now just understanding it is time for us us us. Thanks for the reminder. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 NS...good to hear things are going well for you my brother. Good post. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 I was not a saint and i expect the usual suspects to call me out, which most who know me and have read my posts know that dosent faze or stop ,but i truly want my experiences to help someone, if i can keep one person from commiting this act then i would feel i accomplished something... NS7, it's good to hear from you. This is why I had some faith in you that you were sincere because you put up with the harshest posts with dignity and you never became defensive or nasty. This spoke so well of you and I thought that you might have the mettle to confess and deal with the fallout with your wife. I think in time you (and more importantly) your wife will see how important it was that you confessed your affair rather than your wife finding out some other way. My husband also confessed his affair and while it was so difficult for both of us...I have come to realize that his confession allowed him to regain some of his integrity for himself and of course, for me. It took me awhile to see the significance in this but it has been crucial in rebuilding trust. I hope that you and your wife continue to recover your marriage. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 you are welcome to your opinion and to some degree i agree there was some degree of selfishness in telling her,needing her to help me break the cycle,needing to see her pain and in a way having her help me to be the man i should have always been... But before you judge me,you should know my story,i hadnt already decided to change my ways at all..in fact having not taking this step to confess i cant guarentee i ever would have changed... early on as i saw her pain i had the inner battle about whether i should have ever told her or not but the fact is that i did tell her and thats what i decided to do and thats how i need to proceed.. i know that when i look back on the rest of my life that i made the right decision and i know that my wife by my actions will see that it was the right thing for me to to do for us..we are in the proccess of falling in love in a whole new way,she now knows me and knows what she has and in turn i can be open and honest and we are creating a deep connection. so yes you may think its selfish and to some degree your right but the fact i decided to break it all down so i can build it up stronger,the fact that i have decided that my love for my wife is more important than anything and i have endured,nights of her crying all night, no sleeping,her weight loss,anger,triggers therapry etc etc all because i want to love her like she deserves to be loved was my choice and i know it was the right one... dont feel like you owe whats his diddle any explanation for his judgement. dont get me wrong, everyone here judges, but this is a man that cheated on his wife, blamed her for it all, felt entitled to cheat, and still treats her like dogs##t. dont think anything of it, just ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
realworldexplorer Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 NOTSURE7, Good on ya man for accepting the responsibility of the infliction of horrendous pain on your BS. It shows that some good people can make huge mistakes and then take a course of action to try and repair the damage by falling on the mercy of the court. Some cheaters are very narcissistic, selfish or have anti-social personalities while being alluring, charming and and exciting to be with. You just can't tell who will be remorsefull, contrite and willing to make all the amends that are required to repair such serious damage. Most BS's take these affairs very seriously as though the whole thing was done personally against them like a murder plot. I believe that most WS never even consider there BS while they are in the throws of their dangerous liasons. For BS to get this straight in their head takes much time and action (by WS) before true healing and forgiveness in R can begin (years). In some cases WS's go into these dangerous and uncharted waters inexperienced and very ignorant of possible outcomes and magnitudes of consequences. It is always a surprise when they find out and hindsight becomes a case study in a PHd of pain. I have a friend who is in your exact situation right now and the changes in him are quite amazing as he has gone from a class A liar and deceiver (entitled adulterer) to an open book, honest selfless man. I think the electric shock of the mess he had created in his life, with the pain, loss of innocense of his wife and family and absolutely insane risks he was taking rewired his brain for good. It can lead to good outcomes if WS has the capacity for growth; however, its unfortunate that the BS has to travel a worse road and struggle for even greater growth for free and (in most cases I know of) by no fault of their own. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
JaneInVegas Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 NotSure, that was a beautiful, well thought out post. If my man ever writes something like that, I would forgive him in a nano-second. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and insights. Maybe you could print that out for your wife? I'd be willing to bet she'd be moved, even just a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 NotSure, thanks for the update. So how is your wife? It's been around 6 months or so since it came out? Is she still angry? Crying? Sad? Do you get thru a day w/o her bringing it up? Does she seem happy or sad? About what percentage of time for each? My H is doing all those 'right things' now (and mostly has been from the beginning w/ a few misteps), but I am still raw with hurt. We just discussed this last nite. I ache with pain. But I love him and I know he loves me. But the pain. the pain the pain. How or what have you done to help alleviate her pain?...even when my H does the things a WS is supposed to do, I cannot escape the pain. I am hoping you can give a suggestion or insight into it from your W's POV. Thanks again NotSure..and good going! thank you for asking... my wife is doing ok,she definetely sees hope through her pain,i know she sees and feels the changes and that in turn helps me...she has so much love for me its truly amazing but most of all my actions and my accountability and my openess have helped us through this time. She is definetely sad and mad, i dont expect that to go away so easily and i wouldnt want it too..there really is no set percentage,but the revelation of the affair has also woken her up to realize the man she needs and deserves and she realized how many of her needs were not being met..so here i was thinking i was doing such a great job but really i wasnt at all.. the main key is that we work together now as a team to make sure we connect and talk and understand eachother and what our needs are, we are us now instead of me just caring about me... no there is not a day goes by were its not brought up,in fact i would say we discuss it multiple times a day,i actually will bring it up myself some days, i dont want her to be alone in her thoughts..but its brought up in different ways now..its not about the details,its about understanding,she is scared of me and will this or something else happen to her again and she needs me to reassure her,so everyday i reasure her but the key is its not only with my words but with my actions....the old saying is so true..actions speak louder than words.. you are no different from my wife,she aches with pain,i can see it in her eyes and feel it in her words..but she loves me and i love her and we have decided that we and most of all me are going to do whatever it takes,that everyday we are the main focus of eachothers lives. there is no magic bullet here,as long as your husband is doing the right things i beleive that if you can open your mind and try your best to live in the now instead of the past you will eventually be able to overcome some of this pain,i dont ever expect my wife to firget this but i know with time and consistency that something great will come from this, i already see the signs... so i would tell you,just keep doing what your doing,you need to go through the proccess for yourself and your husband has his own proccesses to go through,its not easy but i have learned that if you truly love and care and show the person that you love her then good things will come of it... the number 1 thing i try to do with my wife is to bring her to the present,when she goes back to that place i try my best to say, are you happy today,is there anything i can do to help you today,do you like how your life is today and do you feel our connection today, you see the key word here is today because in reality thats all we have,so i want her to remeber the past and i have told her that anytime she needs to talk about it or ask questions i am here to answer but i try to keep us in present day as much as possible and i have found it too work.. i hope some of this helps you and your husband.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 dont feel like you owe whats his diddle any explanation for his judgement. dont get me wrong, everyone here judges, but this is a man that cheated on his wife, blamed her for it all, felt entitled to cheat, and still treats her like dogs##t. dont think anything of it, just ignore it. thank you for letting me know this...everyone is entitled to there opinions but i am glad you let me know his history... Link to post Share on other sites
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