Its Not Worth It

[NOTSURE7]

thank you all for your well wishes...i appreciate the support during this very hard time

 

i hope what i write will help others,i still have much work to do myself and i am only in the early stages of creating a new love and relationship but i finally felt i was at a point were i could help others contemplating an affair or someone who is in an affair and wanting to stop and make changes but just dosent know how too..

[foreal]

Notsure-

 

thanks again for your posts.

 

Can you share what you told your wife as far as the strong feelings you had for your AP? If I recall, you were very attached to her and it took awhile for you to detach.

 

Did you tell your wife just how strongly you felt about the OW? How much of that did you share with your W? Did you 'spare' her at all as far as telling her just how in love you you were? (or thought you were)

 

And if you did not, why not? And if you did tell all or part, what was your W's reaction?

 

there is a lot of talk on here about how the MM felt about the OW, whether those feelings are real, not real, real for the moment, real forever,etc etc...just wondering how much you confided to your W and how she responded.

 

thanks again.

[NOTSURE7]

Notsure-

 

thanks again for your posts.

 

Can you share what you told your wife as far as the strong feelings you had for your AP? If I recall, you were very attached to her and it took awhile for you to detach.

 

Did you tell your wife just how strongly you felt about the OW? How much of that did you share with your W? Did you 'spare' her at all as far as telling her just how in love you you were? (or thought you were)

 

And if you did not, why not? And if you did tell all or part, what was your W's reaction?

 

there is a lot of talk on here about how the MM felt about the OW, whether those feelings are real, not real, real for the moment, real forever,etc etc...just wondering how much you confided to your W and how she responded.

 

thanks again.

 

interestingly enough it didnt take me long to detach,the days leading up to my confession were ones of deep self searching, i could no longer take who i was, what i was doing or the person i was, i wanted change and i knew i had to take steps to make change happen...

 

when i told my wife it didnt take me very long to know that i wanted her and i wanted my family and that it was me who had to be accountable and take responsibility and it was me who had to make the changes in myself to give my wife what she truly deserves.

 

i really didnt get deep into how much love i thought i had for my ow,to be honest looking back i really didnt have anything real there,it was just in the moment feelings...

 

really spared my wife the details of how much i thought i was in this love and how much i thought this ow was my soulmate, its all so ridiculous to me now looking back...

 

the fact that i hurt my wife with my actions and all the gory details i gave her were already enough for her to handle and as the days wore on and i realized my feelings for ow were nothing more than superficial and extremely misguided i thought that details would only hurt her more and would have no positive effect going forward.

 

now dont get me wrong,i was open and honest and i told her everything she asked and more,for instance she asked if i said i love you to my ow, and i told her yes,this stung her to the core but i was honest.again looking back it was all ridiculous that i even uttered those words to the ow...but during the time it seemed so real...

 

I beleive that although many elements of an affair are the same that all situations and relationships are different,what works for one may not work for the other...

 

i hope my answer helps you...

[Kaia Blue]

NotSure..your post actually is the reason I registered today and am posting for the first time. I have found this place to be very comforting to me in the last week. It helps me focus on not only my pain, but how everyone involved is also in pain. I found particular comfort in learning how much pain the OW is in...I thought they just went off glouting and proud. You're post really hit home for me as I got a different perspective..my Husband's. He has told me almost exactly for word some of the things you are feeling. I caught him cheating on me almost 6 months ago and we have been in the process of recovery. He ended his affair immediately and has done everything in his power to help me thru what has proved to be the most painful thing I have ever encountered. He has answered every question (even if I ask it in 100 different ways), taken every measure to give me complete access into e-mail, phone, etc., endured every moment of pain by my side with patience and re-assurance..we have a policy of complete honesty, even in the event that it will cause pain to know. Things are getting better now..I can usually go a week or two now without bringing it up--unless a situation triggers me. Then we discuss immediately and move on. His affair was with someone out of state and they were only physically able to be together one time, it was mostly a phone thing which I have found to be even more devasting than the physical contact. I don't know how I would handle it if the OW was in my town or worked with him..she is far away so I feel a certain saftey that others may not feel. I know this is a long journey, but I know that I can make it and grow from all of this. I appreciate my life and the people in it as somewhere along the way I had taken it all for granted. My husband tells me all the time he is so thankful to be given a second chance and can't believe he almost risked it all for something that seems so crazy to him now. I am glad I found this place and look forward to continued learning from the others here.

[NOTSURE7]

NotSure..your post actually is the reason I registered today and am posting for the first time. I have found this place to be very comforting to me in the last week. It helps me focus on not only my pain, but how everyone involved is also in pain. I found particular comfort in learning how much pain the OW is in...I thought they just went off glouting and proud. You're post really hit home for me as I got a different perspective..my Husband's. He has told me almost exactly for word some of the things you are feeling. I caught him cheating on me almost 6 months ago and we have been in the process of recovery. He ended his affair immediately and has done everything in his power to help me thru what has proved to be the most painful thing I have ever encountered. He has answered every question (even if I ask it in 100 different ways), taken every measure to give me complete access into e-mail, phone, etc., endured every moment of pain by my side with patience and re-assurance..we have a policy of complete honesty, even in the event that it will cause pain to know. Things are getting better now..I can usually go a week or two now without bringing it up--unless a situation triggers me. Then we discuss immediately and move on. His affair was with someone out of state and they were only physically able to be together one time, it was mostly a phone thing which I have found to be even more devasting than the physical contact. I don't know how I would handle it if the OW was in my town or worked with him..she is far away so I feel a certain saftey that others may not feel. I know this is a long journey, but I know that I can make it and grow from all of this. I appreciate my life and the people in it as somewhere along the way I had taken it all for granted. My husband tells me all the time he is so thankful to be given a second chance and can't believe he almost risked it all for something that seems so crazy to him now. I am glad I found this place and look forward to continued learning from the others here.

 

i am glad i was able to help...i really want my experience to help others on all sides of the coin...

 

the one thing i did notice is that you wrote " I found particular comfort in learning how much pain the OW is in"...

 

i have to assume you didnt mean the ow(other woman) and meant the bs because i didnt write anything about the ow and whatever her feelings might have been...i am writing only about me and my wife..

[Brokenlady]

i am glad i was able to help...i really want my experience to help others on all sides of the coin...

 

the one thing i did notice is that you wrote " I found particular comfort in learning how much pain the OW is in"...

 

i have to assume you didnt mean the ow(other woman) and meant the bs because i didnt write anything about the ow and whatever her feelings might have been...i am writing only about me and my wife..

 

In the context, I think she did mean OW. It sounded like it bothered her to think the OW gets away scott-free "gloating and proud".

[Kaia Blue]

Correct Brokenlady..I did mean OW....When someone participates in something so damaging to another person...I was happy to know that they could be in as much pain or maybe more than I was experiencing. I had this picture of the OW laughing about how stupid I must have been and how much fun she had with my husband all those months. When I read other posts (on other sites) by the OWs I realized that they are so caught up in their own pain/rejection and really could careless how much damage has been done to an innocent person (me) because of their poor choices too. MM gets to take most all responsibility, but OW needs to accept responsibility too.

[Katerina]

NOTSURE7... wow! My H could have written most of what you've said... He didn't admit to his affair, but he had told me that he felt relief when I found out. But it's not what I wanted to write about now... Your quote below...

 

 

 

the number 1 thing i try to do with my wife is to bring her to the present,when she goes back to that place i try my best to say, are you happy today,is there anything i can do to help you today,do you like how your life is today and do you feel our connection today, you see the key word here is today because in reality thats all we have,so i want her to remeber the past and i have told her that anytime she needs to talk about it or ask questions i am here to answer but i try to keep us in present day as much as possible and i have found it too work..

 

 

My H has been trying to do this same thing... Sometimes it helps, but I'm afraid as time goes on, I actually feel more distant from him. At first I was ready to forgive him ANYTHING because I felt I was so in love.. more than ever... But now that I've calmed down (it's been over 2 years since d-day), I find that it's hard to be close to the man who did what he did - who was capable of hurting me so much, of risking losing me and the children, of lying all that time and then more, of having no respect for me then whatsoever! It is hard to love a person who knowingly and willingly hurt me so much. Yes, he tries to help me focus on here and now, but I can't get what he did out of my head. Any words of wisdom? Does this sound as if there is any hope for us? He knows that I'm with him because of the children... There were good times, usually a couple of weeks at a time... but now it's back to roommates pretty much. He's been remorseful, loving, etc. etc.... but it doesn't change the fact that he WANTED to be with her, that he ENJOYED f***ing her, that he told her he loved her, etc. etc... I look at other couples who are so innocently in love with each other and I cannot imaging of us EVER being that way again.

Edited November 29, 2009 by Katerina

[confusedinkansas]

NS - I'm curious.........

Since many affairs end with the whole NC "Theory" & usually break that at least one time before it truly is OVER - Have you had contact at all with the other woman?

[wheelwright]

Hi NS7.

 

I have read a lot of your posts by now. It was the quick turn around from humble, confused and questioning in your emotions to sudden 'turn off the faucet' that intrigued me.

 

Bar a few incidental details, you could be my xMOM.

 

And I find it interesting that even in this thread where you are not considering xMOW at all, when a poster mentions OW in general you go right back to the idea that you weren't considering her at all (you misinterpreted the poster). You are always at great pains to pronounce this lack of feeling/thought for the xMOW, to the extent that you may have made a freudian slip. He who denies most strongly etc.

 

Anyway, I am glad you are happy in the current run of things with your W. Hope she is happy too.

 

I would like to say that I would have suffered far less if I had been given an apology and explanation that the feelings had turned off after my xMOM's DDay, rather than the slow and painful working out I had to do. Even though I am a big girl. And in previous threads it is your lack of care for your feelings for xMOW that people note, not their own stories infiltrating. IMHO.

 

But hey ho, some people can drop those they care about (refer Taylor's posts). I always knew my xMOM had that in him, so I should have prepared myself for the burn.

 

I see you like this now. You had emotional conflict like in the fable where the fox can't work out how to get the grapes. What does he do? He walks away and says the grapes were sour anyway i.e the A was a fog and selfish etc.

 

And in our lives we have to do this kind of thing to resolve the conflicts. But somewhere, the fox always knows that those grapes were tasty. But in your case it doesn't matter, because you found something else you can get that also might be nice.

 

So why can't you admit that the grapes were tasty, you just couldn't reach? When you can, you will not only rededicate to your W, but begin to get over xMOW. Your denial will be the undoing of your reconciliation unless you are careful.

 

Unless you are a sociopath, in which case the fact you emotionally dropped xMOW so easily is understood differently.

 

So do you buy the fox and the grapes idea? Isn't it time you allowed the xMOW into your emotional life with a view to putting her in the past properly? Those are emotions you should work through too.

 

I admire the way you are working on things and succeeding, but don't cover up feelings you may still harbour because it is 'right'. You also have to address what is 'true'.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi NS7.

 

I have read a lot of your posts by now. It was the quick turn around from humble, confused and questioning in your emotions to sudden 'turn off the faucet' that intrigued me.

 

Bar a few incidental details, you could be my xMOM.

 

And I find it interesting that even in this thread where you are not considering xMOW at all, when a poster mentions OW in general you go right back to the idea that you weren't considering her at all (you misinterpreted the poster). You are always at great pains to pronounce this lack of feeling/thought for the xMOW, to the extent that you may have made a freudian slip. He who denies most strongly etc.

 

Anyway, I am glad you are happy in the current run of things with your W. Hope she is happy too.

 

I would like to say that I would have suffered far less if I had been given an apology and explanation that the feelings had turned off after my xMOM's DDay, rather than the slow and painful working out I had to do. Even though I am a big girl. And in previous threads it is your lack of care for your feelings for xMOW that people note, not their own stories infiltrating. IMHO.

 

But hey ho, some people can drop those they care about (refer Taylor's posts). I always knew my xMOM had that in him, so I should have prepared myself for the burn.

 

I see you like this now. You had emotional conflict like in the fable where the fox can't work out how to get the grapes. What does he do? He walks away and says the grapes were sour anyway i.e the A was a fog and selfish etc.

 

And in our lives we have to do this kind of thing to resolve the conflicts. But somewhere, the fox always knows that those grapes were tasty. But in your case it doesn't matter, because you found something else you can get that also might be nice.

 

So why can't you admit that the grapes were tasty, you just couldn't reach? When you can, you will not only rededicate to your W, but begin to get over xMOW. Your denial will be the undoing of your reconciliation unless you are careful.

 

Unless you are a sociopath, in which case the fact you emotionally dropped xMOW so easily is understood differently.

 

So do you buy the fox and the grapes idea? Isn't it time you allowed the xMOW into your emotional life with a view to putting her in the past properly? Those are emotions you should work through too.

 

I admire the way you are working on things and succeeding, but don't cover up feelings you may still harbour because it is 'right'. You also have to address what is 'true'.

 

 

Why would you assume he is covering up anything? Maybe he was covering up his real feelings with the ow....the feelings for his wife and family? As is so often told to the BS on this board about the ow, he isn't the OM in your situation. I think he put her in the past and moved toward a brighter future.

[wheelwright]

BNB

 

I see your point of view as one possible valid interpretation.

 

However, these are the things that seem most likely to me.

 

All the emotions we feel are real. You can dispute interpretations of them.

 

NS7 felt something strong for xMOW and then turned it on a dime.

 

He either did fox and grapes style suppression when he moved out of the EA, or he had something more important to think about (like prodding yourself elsewhere when you have tooth pain), or he is a sociopath. Or some kind of combination.

 

The only thing that stopped me feeling love for my xMOM after DDay was seeing my husband in pain. It obliterated it. But only for as long as my H's pain was high. As soon as it subsided, I felt again.

 

When we really do turn things around due to some crisis, we continue to check our 'truth' by going back to the issue. This is validation. So we know other things are not influencing our feelings/thoughts. Otherwise we are just coasting (supressing) till the next wake up call. Personal reality isn't simple. It takes questioning to work things out.

 

NS7 isn't questioning. This is what makes him suspect.

 

Not to mention the assured position, the protestations, the general arrogant stance of I know exactly where/who I am now. These people always set themselves up for a fall.

 

He doesn't say 'I might be wrong' therefore he isn't behaving with a full deck. He is as lost now as before. But both situations are real. I don't believe in fog at all.

 

But this situation of loss has consolations compared to being in an EMA.

 

And I don't like it when you say I am responding to NS7 as if he were my xMOM. You belittle my input by saying that, as if I have nothing worthwhile to say because of having been involved in this kind of experience. I wouldn't put down another poster like that, however implicitly.

 

So tell me BNB, is your experience working things through with questioning, or turning them on a dime?

[wheelwright]

You know, I've just remembered what bothers me about the turning on a dime thing. How can NS7 ever trust his feelings again?

 

Cos he now knows what fog is and isn't?

 

That's the issue with accounting episodes in your life as fog. How will you ever know?

 

You have to work through emotions, not supress them. IMO etc.

 

Having said that, I would like to add that NS7 has done a star job of getting his marriage back on track, finding love there, and generally behaving himself. Good on you for your ability to see beyond emotion toward bigger picture ideals. And also towards creating love where there was none.

 

And could you have done that without mOW? I'm interested.

 

(PS I have to say our situation is different, cos BS of my MOM told me before I got involved that she did not love nor had ever loved him. I question the innocence this gave me now, but at the time it was pretty affirming. Clearly your W did love you).

[bentnotbroken]

So tell me BNB, is your experience working things through with questioning, or turning them on a dime?

 

 

Depends on the person. Depends on what the basis for the relationship was in the WS's mind to begin with. Depends on what each individual needs to do to heal. I hear some BS say they don't want to know the details, I on the other hand wanted to know every dark, dank, slimy detail. Some people feel the need to cut off the offending appendage(the Lord says if your eye offends you, pluck it out) and leave it behind. If the affair for him was like cancer, you take out the cancer, kill it with chemo and radiation and be thankful you were able to get rid of it.

 

I guess the assumption that he didn't work through things is what gets me. If he and his wife are doing what they need to heal (with counseling I believe) shouldn't he be allowed to continue that path? I am living proof that if you want God to change you, it is possible to turn on a dime.

[wheelwright]

I like your post BNB because it shows spirit. And wisdom that different people work different ways.

 

I never work through things on that instant level. I accept that that doesn't mean it can't happen.

 

However (there was always going to be one ), I maintain that if NS7 had feelings for his x at all, and that he is not a sociopath, he will have to face them someday. I just do not believe we can feel soulmates one minute and disconnected the next with only affair fog as the explanation. This is partly cos I know what soulmates feels like, and I have held it up to scrutiny. I am 40. I only felt the soulmate thing once in my life. I am not unexplorational.

 

For NS7 it is a question of reconciling that he felt that soulmate connection with his decisions. And he is a strong willed man from what I see, he will do it well.

 

And he loves his wife now. Good. I wish him well.

 

And BNB, you were right when you said I responded like he was my xMOM. OK I admit it.