My husband's best friend is a woman who has blocked me on Facebook

[joanie]

She blocked me on Facebook and when I asked him why, he said she just liked her privacy and that no one except her friends could see her posts and comments.

 

When I pointed out that other people could see what she was posting to his page but not me, he finally asked her if she had blocked me. And she said yes. And she said if I had a problem with that I should email her directly. So I did. I wrote a nice letter letting her know I wanted to keep the ties between our families friendly and I wanted to support their friendship but I really needed everything to be transparent, including on FB. I didn't ask her to be a friend, I just thought it was reasonable to ask her to unblock me. She responded with a nasty accusatory email and so I stated plainly that I wanted her to unblock me and that it seemed shady for her to block me -- the wife -- from seeing anything she posted to his page but everyone else could see. Again, another nasty email.

 

Finally, I just said I didn't care anymore. But I really do. It feels like she is trying to pretend I don't exist and wants me to stay out of any of their conversations on FB. But my husband has me as a friend on FB and we regularly comment on each other's pages. I don't care if they talk on the phone or email or text ... they do and that's ok. But when it comes to a public site like Facebook and we both have our circle of friends which often overlap, how can it be ok for her to block me so I can't see her comments on my husband's page? Why does she think it's ok for all of my husband's friends to be able to see the comments but just not ME. She said she thinks I'm going to over react to what she says on his FB ... but I wonder why she thinks this ... is she posting stuff that may be taken the wrong way?

 

And what about my husband? Shouldn't he be defending me in all this? How can he be so close to her and be ok with her treating me like this?

 

I wish I could BLOCK her out of my life, but I can't. She's my husband's best friend and I just need to figure out a way to live with this. And with whatever the underlying issue is that REALLY is going on.

 

Maybe I'm overreacting.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, she has balls and definately has a selfish friendship with your husband. You have EVERY RIGHT to be angry.. And even moreso at HIM! He's allowing this to go on! He should be PISSED at her for treating you that, yet he isn't...And - If she is his bestfriend, why are they both excluding you from their friendship? ANY important friendship to one spouse, should include the other.

 

My guess is, either they were together years ago and are still emotionally attached, have some sort of flirt/game thing going on that they know would upset you, which is why you've been blocked. Either way, it's wrong and your H has to choose now. He is being a selfish turd by not defending you and also by not deleting HER off of his facebook.

[angie2443]

Why aren't you his best female friend? Are you fine with this? This may be nothing. Still, what I see more often in these situations is a competition going between the wife and the female best friend. Do you know anything about their friendship?

[Lizzie60]

No you're not.. she's NOT your husband's best friend.. because if she was.. she would be completely transparent and she wouldn't cause HIM any hard time in his marriage..

 

She's a bytch.. and HE needs to know that it's NOT OK to be treated like this... you let him have his circle of friends.. so his friends should be respectful to YOU.

 

Your H is a spineless jerk.. sorry but he is..

[threebyfate]

I'm not certain why you're putting more onus on this best friend, rather than your husband.

 

Ask your husband to give you his sign-on and password. If he's got nothing to hide, he should be more than happy to give it to you. If he tells you he needs time to think about it, he's stalling so he can wipe out anything incriminating.

[CarrieT]

Big red flags. Big red flags. Big red flags.....

 

 

Husband is a spineless twit if he doesn't stand up for you in this regard. Best friends don't treat their friends' spouses this way.

[Spoiled]

NO, you are NOT overreacting. You have every right to be upset. If your H and this lady are only friends, there should be no concern in regards to what you may view on his page. And your H should not be friends with a woman who treats his W in that manner. Your H owes you an explanation in regards to the extent of this "friendship."

 

I blocked a friend because I was sleeping with her H. Was worried she was going to leave nasty messages for all of MY friends to see upon finding out WHO he was having an A with.

 

Who is this friend? Is she married? Is her spouse on fb? How often do they chat and text?

[TinyLee222]

Oh boy, I don't like the sound of this at all. Sounds very suspicious

to me. Obviously she doesn't want you to see what she is posting

on his facebook page. In all reality she sounds like the jealous

other woman to me. I would sit your husband down and let him

know that you are uncomfortable with this situation. If they are

"best friends" as you say, there activities should be transparent.

Your husband needs to set her straight. You come before her.

I would be livid...

 

Lee

[Boundary Problem]

Your words: My husband's best friend.

 

 

 

 

She is moving in to fill a vacuum is how I see it. Are you going to assert yourself or not?

 

Facebook isn't the problem. Her feeling of entitlement towards your husband and his supporting her assertion over your feelings says quite a lot.

[White Flower]

She blocked me on Facebook and when I asked him why, he said she just liked her privacy and that no one except her friends could see her posts and comments.

 

When I pointed out that other people could see what she was posting to his page but not me, he finally asked her if she had blocked me. And she said yes. And she said if I had a problem with that I should email her directly. So I did. I wrote a nice letter letting her know I wanted to keep the ties between our families friendly and I wanted to support their friendship but I really needed everything to be transparent, including on FB. I didn't ask her to be a friend, I just thought it was reasonable to ask her to unblock me. She responded with a nasty accusatory email and so I stated plainly that I wanted her to unblock me and that it seemed shady for her to block me -- the wife -- from seeing anything she posted to his page but everyone else could see. Again, another nasty email.

 

Finally, I just said I didn't care anymore. But I really do. It feels like she is trying to pretend I don't exist and wants me to stay out of any of their conversations on FB. But my husband has me as a friend on FB and we regularly comment on each other's pages. I don't care if they talk on the phone or email or text ... they do and that's ok. But when it comes to a public site like Facebook and we both have our circle of friends which often overlap, how can it be ok for her to block me so I can't see her comments on my husband's page? Why does she think it's ok for all of my husband's friends to be able to see the comments but just not ME. She said she thinks I'm going to over react to what she says on his FB ... but I wonder why she thinks this ... is she posting stuff that may be taken the wrong way?

 

And what about my husband? Shouldn't he be defending me in all this? How can he be so close to her and be ok with her treating me like this?

 

I wish I could BLOCK her out of my life, but I can't. She's my husband's best friend and I just need to figure out a way to live with this. And with whatever the underlying issue is that REALLY is going on.

 

Maybe I'm overreacting.

Uh sweetheart, you need to tell your husband that they guy at work is your new best friend. Block your husband, or have the best friend block him, and see how he feels.

 

Really, if your H's BFF is really a good friend she wouldn't be trying to hurt her Bestie's W. Further, she should respect your kind and honest email to her. After all, SHE asked you to send it, did she not?

 

Finally, your H SHOULD defend you on this. He should block her and tell her that he needs to put his wife above all others. To allow others to see their posts while excluding you is just disrespectful. How could he allow this? Does he have a back bone? Where does his loyalty lie?

 

I think your instincts are right on all counts.

[carhill]

Ask your husband to give you his sign-on and password. If he's got nothing to hide, he should be more than happy to give it to you.

 

That's a nice positive move. On our computers, such information was auto-entered, obviating the precept of asking

 

OP, it's really cool to have opposite sex friends, even a best friend. It's cooler to have a loving, intimate, trusting marriage. Hope your H gets that memo

[Cobra_X]

I'm not certain why you're putting more onus on this best friend, rather than your husband.

Ask your husband to give you his sign-on and password. If he's got nothing to hide, he should be more than happy to give it to you. If he tells you he needs time to think about it, he's stalling so he can wipe out anything incriminating.

 

Holy Cow TBF!!! Long time no see. I hope things are going well for you!

 

This is great advice. The husband should have reacted very different to this situation.

[threebyfate]

OP, it's really cool to have opposite sex friends, even a best friend. It's cooler to have a loving, intimate, trusting marriage. Hope your H gets that memo

I agree with this, too.

 

Holy Cow TBF!!! Long time no see. I hope things are going well for you!

 

This is great advice. The husband should have reacted very different to this situation.

A blast from the past, Cobra. Welcome back.

 

Thanks.

 

Overall, you can't control his friends but your H. has a responsibility to you and your marriage. Trust is near impossible to get back, once it's lost.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

Ask your husband to give you his sign-on and password. If he's got nothing to hide, he should be more than happy to give it to you. If he tells you he needs time to think about it, he's stalling so he can wipe out anything incriminating.

 

Ditto. I would sign on immediately before anything can be deleted or before he can give this "best friend" the heads up.

[Boundary Problem]

The problem is their behaviour and their choices. Maybe time for marriage counselling?

 

 

 

They obviously want private communication, whether on facebook or with new private email accounts. You insist on being 'a facebook friend' will push them underground into new private email accounts, is my prediction.

 

Real problem: why do they need private communication?

[quankanne]

she's NOT your husband's best friend.. because if she was.. she would be completely transparent and she wouldn't cause HIM any hard time in his marriage.. yep ...

 

I've got both my best guy friend and his wife as Facebook contacts, and believe me, it's a VERY transparent relationship between me and him. Our relationship as a whole is like that – our spouses are privvy to our conversations and posts, and are cool with it. So much that they encourage us to spend time alone together just so we can hang out and have our heart-to-hearts like we've always had ... The way I see it, our best friends do everything possible to encourage and strengthen our relationships with our spouses and families, not pull stupid shxt like this woman is doing.

 

a red flag went up when you described her nasty responses to your request to be unblocked from Facebook – she's up to something. Or in a classic passive-agressive manner, is showing how much she hates him being married ...

 

not sure if your husband is being a jackass or is simply a blockhead, but he needs to respect AND stand up for your marriage by saying "if my wife's not welcome, then I'm not going to be a part of things." She might be his "best friend," but you're his wife, and y'alls relationship is much more primary than theirs is!

[whichwayisup]

I really like TBF's suggestion of your H letting you go on his account so you can see the 'conversation' and dynamtic between him and is so-called bestfriend.

 

I have afew questions for you.. How often do they get together? Are you included? Is she married and if so, is her husband or partner (if she isn't married) excluded like you are?

[Ody]

I'm not certain why you're putting more onus on this best friend, rather than your husband.

 

Ask your husband to give you his sign-on and password. If he's got nothing to hide, he should be more than happy to give it to you. If he tells you he needs time to think about it, he's stalling so he can wipe out anything incriminating.

 

I agree with everyone including 3BF who says the hubby is hiding something, or that somehow the situation is not right.

 

However there are plenty of legitimate reasons for you not to have his password. He bought you a silly surprise gift through one of those weird FB applications. A childhood friend has cancer or HIV, which they've mentioned in messages and have requested complete discretion. The password is the same as a work password where he's signed legally binding non-disclosure agreements. Most of all - you're might be a bit sloppy online and get the password stolen by hackers, and thus ruin his account. People poo-poo such reasons but having seen the consequences of shared passwords in a previous life as a network admin it's rarely a good idea to share them, and he might have legitimate objections.

 

Like I said, not disagreeing overall with the advice given - I just think demanding an online password is not the best way to confront him. Confronting him on something he can legitimately object to will just cloud the issue. But definitely he needs to step up here.

[mem11363]

give you his fb password - this is not optional

 

tell her that if she wants to stay his friend she needs to be polite to you - if she cannot be polite to the most important person in his life she needs to leave his life

 

 

 

She blocked me on Facebook and when I asked him why, he said she just liked her privacy and that no one except her friends could see her posts and comments.

 

When I pointed out that other people could see what she was posting to his page but not me, he finally asked her if she had blocked me. And she said yes. And she said if I had a problem with that I should email her directly. So I did. I wrote a nice letter letting her know I wanted to keep the ties between our families friendly and I wanted to support their friendship but I really needed everything to be transparent, including on FB. I didn't ask her to be a friend, I just thought it was reasonable to ask her to unblock me. She responded with a nasty accusatory email and so I stated plainly that I wanted her to unblock me and that it seemed shady for her to block me -- the wife -- from seeing anything she posted to his page but everyone else could see. Again, another nasty email.

 

Finally, I just said I didn't care anymore. But I really do. It feels like she is trying to pretend I don't exist and wants me to stay out of any of their conversations on FB. But my husband has me as a friend on FB and we regularly comment on each other's pages. I don't care if they talk on the phone or email or text ... they do and that's ok. But when it comes to a public site like Facebook and we both have our circle of friends which often overlap, how can it be ok for her to block me so I can't see her comments on my husband's page? Why does she think it's ok for all of my husband's friends to be able to see the comments but just not ME. She said she thinks I'm going to over react to what she says on his FB ... but I wonder why she thinks this ... is she posting stuff that may be taken the wrong way?

 

And what about my husband? Shouldn't he be defending me in all this? How can he be so close to her and be ok with her treating me like this?

 

I wish I could BLOCK her out of my life, but I can't. She's my husband's best friend and I just need to figure out a way to live with this. And with whatever the underlying issue is that REALLY is going on.

 

Maybe I'm overreacting.

[pollswolls]

I hate Facebook for this very reason...But with that said

My husband has many many female "Friends" on his page. MANY! Periodically we go thru his list & he tells me who they are. Some I know - but there are a lot that I do not know. He also leaves the computer open to Facebook in the evenings. He doesn't hide it when I come in the room, etc.

I DO NOT think you are overreacting. She is not his friend or she would have more respect for you HIS WIFE. If he refuses to give you some sort of "peace with this"...then I'd agree - IF he's hiding her, there is something to hide.

[eeyore1981]

Yeah, this is total bs. One of my bfs is male, he is on my fb, and so is his wife. I actually initiated the adding her as a friend.

 

Your husband needs to step up and do the right thing, as he is the one who has her. If she is not willing to unblock you, he should block her, and if he is not willing to do that, something is not right in 'friendville'.

[The Collector]

Let me clear something up - has this woman once been your facebook friend, and then deleted you, or does she have privacy settings that exclude all non-friends, like you, me and and the rest of the world? Because the first is 'blocking' you in a suspicious/disrespectful way, the other is the same settings that I have on my facebook, and I'm not obliged to 'friend' every spouse of each female friend.

[Ody]

Let me clear something up - has this woman once been your facebook friend, and then deleted you, or does she have privacy settings that exclude all non-friends, like you, me and and the rest of the world? Because the first is 'blocking' you in a suspicious/disrespectful way, the other is the same settings that I have on my facebook, and I'm not obliged to 'friend' every spouse of each female friend.

 

Good point, especially now that I re-read "she just liked her privacy and that no one except her friends could see her posts and comments". That's very very different than blocking you.

 

If her settings are like mine, she can't unblock you without adding you as a friend, so your request to "unblock" her doesn't make sense. You might not realize that about facebook privacy, but if you let one non friend see your comments you basically have to let every non friend see them. It's not reasonable to ask her to be your facebook friend (as you point out), and it's also not reasonable to expect her to change her whole privacy settings just for you (which you might not realize). The reason her husband's friends can see her comments might that they are also FB friends with her, rather than she blocked you or singled you out in anyway. She might have facebook stalkers among her "friends of friends" and be understandably private.

 

If that's the case you blew it out of proportion and some apologies might be in order. What actually set this off? Did you see a particular post (something flirty and suggestive), or get suspicious just because you couldn't see things. Are you sure she said "I blocked you" as in you specifically, rather than saying something like "yeah you're blocked" as in you and the rest of the world?

[mem11363]

You didn't blow anything out of proportion. I am a married MAN in a 20+ year happy marriage. None of this would be an issue if your husband had simply told you that you could have 100 percent open access to his fb account. It is that simple. It requires no heroic acts, no cooperation from others etc.

 

If he thinks doing that is somehow violating her privacy that is nonsense for the following reasons:

- She is either posting stuff for all her friends to see - which means that she is letting many people know about it which means it just is not THAT private. Once you tell more then 2 people something it isn't a secret anymore.

- She is contacting him directly about stuff. AS HIS WIFE YOU ARE FULLY ENTITLED TO SEE ANY ONE ON ONE COMMUNICATION SHE HAS WITH HIM.

 

 

 

Good point, especially now that I re-read "she just liked her privacy and that no one except her friends could see her posts and comments". That's very very different than blocking you.

 

If her settings are like mine, she can't unblock you without adding you as a friend, so your request to "unblock" her doesn't make sense. You might not realize that about facebook privacy, but if you let one non friend see your comments you basically have to let every non friend see them. It's not reasonable to ask her to be your facebook friend (as you point out), and it's also not reasonable to expect her to change her whole privacy settings just for you (which you might not realize). The reason her husband's friends can see her comments might that they are also FB friends with her, rather than she blocked you or singled you out in anyway. She might have facebook stalkers among her "friends of friends" and be understandably private.

 

If that's the case you blew it out of proportion and some apologies might be in order. What actually set this off? Did you see a particular post (something flirty and suggestive), or get suspicious just because you couldn't see things. Are you sure she said "I blocked you" as in you specifically, rather than saying something like "yeah you're blocked" as in you and the rest of the world?

[Ody]

If he thinks doing that is somehow violating her privacy that is nonsense for the following reasons:

 

I see you quoted my post but did you even read the reasons I listed for not sharing passwords? None of them had anything to do with the other woman's privacy. I really have fixed quite a few computers because someone gave their password to a roommate or boyfriend or whoever. The one time I shared a password with a GF, it was phished by ebay scammers a week later. Or let's say you share a password, and notice a few emails are missing later. Is it a server problem, or is hubby/wifey doing some crazy and sloppy snooping? Don't want to have that unpleasant discussion or nagging doubt? Well then don't share your password.

 

It's just not a good idea in some cases. Or at least, those of us who do or have dealt with password security for a living often feel that way for reasons that can't be shrugged off as "nonsense".

 

There's nothing wrong with her asking him to login so she can take a look, and do so without stalling so he can't clean up evidence. It's the password sharing issue for me. And if her hubby works in IT, he might have the same reaction for similar reasons - reasons that have nothing to do with this other woman.

Edited November 18, 2009 by Ody