I'm just hopeless no matter how hard i try

[hermit]

I'm just completely hopeless around guys I'm attracted to, awkward dosn't sum it up. It has always been like this, I've read every single self-help article, asked friends for advice... But when I'm in a situation where the guy I'm into is around, I lose all control over my words and actions it seems... All plans to act normal or flirty just go out of the window.

 

It dosn't help that I'm generally attracted to men who are quite a lot older and/ or strange/ unusual/ mysterious in some way.

 

Without wanting to sound arrogant, I think it's fair to say I'm an intelligent person who can make good conversation and I'm fun to be around. However, when I like someone....

 

I have a hobby that is a group activity, and I really like one of the guys there. He's a lot older than me and an interesting character. Today he came over to talk to me. In my head I'd hoped for this to happen and had sworn to myself to just be my normal, fun self if it did.

 

However, it was once again a case of all systems shutting down. He asked me a really straight-forward question. But although I heard what he was saying it was like my brain coudn't process it. I was there staring at him for what seemed like ages with this voice in my head yelling at me to say something! All the while he was looking at me like i'd completely lost the plot. Which I had.

 

When I finally regained power of speech, I was struggling to put what I wanted to say into the right words. The end result was a really idiotic sentence, which I quickly tried to gloss over with a flush of several more idiotic sentences and jokes. God. He asked about my career and seemed genuinely interested, but all i could do was let out some self-deprecatin nosnsense about not really knowing much. Ouch.

 

This is not a one off. It happenes every time, since my first schoolgirl crush. I'm now 25, but I look much younger - small and skinny. I would like to use my brains (i know I have them) to get guys interested in me, but they always let me down at the crucial moment.

 

I've been in two relationships... But I've never been on a date. They just happened from drunken sex. I don't want this to happen again - but I seem to be utterly un-attractive in my awkward sober state. The conversation with that guy died pretty rapidly. *hits head repeatedly against wall*

 

Sorry about the long rant, just needed to vent.... Just don't know what to do...

[tryagaintoday]

Don't 'act' normal. Just 'be' normal.

 

Know what? If you're nervous and lose the plot, why don't you just tell him that? Say "I'm a little nervous now and may have lose the plot. Give me some time organise myself and reply you". If he likes you enough, he'll appreciate your honesty and maybe make some jokes to lighten up and you'll have fun! Good luck!

[jerseyboy]

Wow thats tragic

 

And each encounter likely reinforces it and makes it worse for you.

 

Im with the other poster, if I were you, Id be straighforward about it. Honestly saying it might take somne of the internal pressure of of you as well (I mean what could you say after that which would be more embarassing) and actually help cure you of it all.

 

Or along the lines of immersing oneself in oens greatest fears in the hopes of overcomingit, I would go out to a bar or social setting a bit away from where you live. The appraoch random groups of guys whom you find attractive, be completely truthful as to why you are there, and ask if they would mind helping you. Im sure theyd love it, and it mnight help you overcome the issue. Could be fun as well

[Jaytb]

well, did you ever try talking to your mirror? Just practice what you're going to say beforehand. It shouldn't be that hard.

[hermit]

Thanks so much for your replies guys... What I described above is me being "normal" unfortunately. The state i get into allows me neither too act or be normal or anything else for that matter, it's completely beyond my control. It's like I'm watching a car crash, there's nothing i can do...

 

I've often thought about telling the person straight what's up with me. In my head I just create this scenario where I just tell him "look, I'm not a dumbo, I'm just attracted to you", or "Sorry, my brain just shut down then..." thinking about it makes it seem so easy. But when I'm in the situation, the words just don't come out of my mouth, they're all jumbled in my head. Then later I think "why didn't I just tell him?" Because I physicially couldn't...

 

And yes, everytime it happens again, it gets worse and more upsetting for me. It's like there's no hope of a conversation leading to something, because it's just an instant turn-off.

 

I'm beginning to wonder whether it might be time to seek professional help? Just wondering if anyone else had this problem and whether they had councelling for it? If so, did it help at all?

[neowulf]

Thanks so much for your replies guys... What I described above is me being "normal" unfortunately. The state i get into allows me neither too act or be normal or anything else for that matter, it's completely beyond my control. It's like I'm watching a car crash, there's nothing i can do...

 

I've often thought about telling the person straight what's up with me. In my head I just create this scenario where I just tell him "look, I'm not a dumbo, I'm just attracted to you", or "Sorry, my brain just shut down then..." thinking about it makes it seem so easy. But when I'm in the situation, the words just don't come out of my mouth, they're all jumbled in my head. Then later I think "why didn't I just tell him?" Because I physicially couldn't...

 

And yes, everytime it happens again, it gets worse and more upsetting for me. It's like there's no hope of a conversation leading to something, because it's just an instant turn-off.

 

I'm beginning to wonder whether it might be time to seek professional help? Just wondering if anyone else had this problem and whether they had councelling for it? If so, did it help at all?

 

This is probably going to sound a little crazy, but have you considered joining a public speaking group like Toast Masters?

 

I know a few people who joined to try and overcome their fear of public speaking and improve their communcation skills.

 

Honestly, this stuff is small steps and practice. Building self-confidence in your communication skills might be of some help.

[hermit]

ummm... Well I'm part of a theatre company - this is the hobby I share with this guy. Though I suppose acting is not as scary because you're in character and the lines are all rehearsed. But yeah, no I don't have problems getting up in front of people. It's just when the hormones kick in

[Left in a Lurch]

You have to remember this is not like remembering lines and having the perfect thing to say at exactly the right moment that will make the guy think, "Wow, you are awesome!". That will never happen.

 

Force yourself to stop trying to internalize the situations before they happen because it will never work like that. Go in without any plans or scenarios. That will be a big help. You're too busy trying to think of what you planned on being the perfect responses to the guy you like and when a chance to talk to him comes around you'll get flustered trying to remember your "script" and not be able to concentrate on what he is saying.

 

The more you script it in your head, the harder it will be. I think if you find yourself thinking about things to say and force yourself to stop thinking about it, it will be a good start.

[jerseyboy]

Professional help isnt a bad idea

 

Strikes me that youve developed some kind of conditioned response, with each incident reinforning the last.

 

Youre having performance anxiety. Its liek guys I know that have a bad incident (cant get it up) something traumatic is said or felt at the time, then thinking of that time it happens again. They become an entire mess.

 

You need to find someone to help work through it in a non threatening way. Read my post above, bring a gf, make her explain if necessary. I think once you have a bit of success youll start to get over it, then practice makes perfect. Even role playing, you are an actrress, will help. Itlle get you sued to talking about yoruself in that kind of situation.

[RobM]

I have to agree with practice makes perfect, every time you're in line for anything just start a random conversation with the person next to you about anything. It's scary at first but becomes easier and easier.

[Toki]

Might be preaching to the choir, but perhaps the "problem" is your personality type. For example I'm an INTP, which means I like my own space, I'm good at identifying problems, I'm extremely cerebral, and I generally notice things before other people do. It's a bit of a gimp, when it comes to having a social life, because I lack the ability to easily empathize with people. I'm fine with conversing with other people I don't have any sort of built up emotion for, but when it comes to those that I feelings for, I become afraid of putting myself into a vulnerable situation, because I don't easily identify with my emotions, and I'm not sure how strongly I feel them, so I can't trust them to understand that I may feel something like frustration, or love ten times more powerful than I should, or that similarly they can't identify with me, because to them it appears as if I feel nothing at all, which is simply not true.

The probability that you're an introvert (extroverts, emotionals being the most common personality types) is likely. And because your brain is essentially grasping at straws whenever you try to connect meaningfully to other people, it instead "shuts down" because you're not sure how to emotionally compose yourself, if he acts happy you want to act happy, but it feels more like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole when you try to relate similar feelings of joy (hence the awkwardness), and then you feel like you're losing your grasp on the situation, which forces you to withdraw even further. This is something most introverts, except the Emotional types, deal with.

So if thats the problem, I'll press on a little further. There are other ways to get what you want out a social situation without compromising any emotional fragility. As an introvert that frequently deals with emotional confusion, I never initiate conversation unless I absolutely have to. But, its going to happen on occasion whether I want it to or not, so instead I dump the emotions card altogether, and appear completely uninterested in conversation, unless they have something specific to offer me. It could be anything, imparting a little wisdom or knowledge, anything that allows me to mull it over in my mind (which means that I've grown to hate conversation, for conversation's sake) but, when I'm done thinking about what was said, I can generally retaliate by asking a question that makes them have to stop and think about whatever it is that they said. And then they'll say something else to whatever I asked, and as long as I can keep the ball rolling, the conversation can continue. And as the conversation continues, you can slowly peel off the shell of being unemotional, while allowing you to keep in completely logical control of yourself... but thats my take, and I could be off...