wife has filed for divorce

[m030198]

Hello all,

 

I've decided to post on this forum as i've noticed everyone is very thoughtful and honest, which I appreciate.

 

My wife of 6 years has filed for divorce 3 months ago. We have a 4 year old daughter as well. She decided to divorce as we were transitioning to a new city and all of our belongings were already in transit. I've tried for the past 3 months to talk to her, and of course did the begging routine but to no avail. I am stuck now in a new city with no friends and all i do is go to work. She stayed in phoenix with our daugter. The divorce proceeding are getting ugly because her financial demands are quite high. Roughly 5000.months plus she wants me to pay off all the debt 120000 and she wants child support. She is not willing to negotitate and basically walked away from our marriage with not wanting any emotional or financial responsibility. She feels entitled to this settlement.

 

I'm a physician and she waited until i finished my training I guess and jumo to a higher income bracket to lash out the attack. She is a good perosn and I really do love her, but I feel that these circumstances brought out the worst in us. I've hired a good lawyer and will defend myself even though I'm desperate for reconcilliation for our sake and our daughters sake. Of course there is much animosity and her family now despises me because I am not willing to "help her".

[Enema]

I'd probably put this in the rant section if it was me.

 

Sounds like a classic case of the ugly picture many men have to face going through divorce.

 

I feel for you and I sincerely hope she gets what she deserves. I think you need to realize she's not a "good" person and has been using you as a ticket to easy street.

 

Abandon thoughts of reconciliation, protect yourself as best as possible and try to get on with your life.

[m030198]

Thanks Enema,

 

Her argument is that she put her life on hold to raise our child and now is looking out for her wants and needs which I was not able to give her apparently. I busted my ass so hard for the welfare of my family. She literally tossed me out like yesterdays garbage. Apparently I deserved it because I didn't pay attention to her while all the time I was working like a madman to help fulfill our dream and give her the best life I could. Apparently that wasn't showing her enought "love".

[lkjh]

This is weird because a woman will not just leave especially when children are involved unless they have some kind of back up. There are exceptions to this but when they say the old you didn't pay attention you can count that as a red flag. Check the phone records and emails because something is not right.

 

Congrats on graduating med school, that is def a big accomplishment

[mark982]

don't think this wasn't all planned out YEARS ago. shw knew exactly what she was doing,and how she was going to do it. she wants a easy lifestyle,and will do this exact same thing to the next guy. unless you shoot her down now,you can expect to have your butt in court for more money everytime the wind blows a different way.

[m030198]

Thanks Mark,

 

Yeah man. I got a good lawyer and will fight back pretty hard. I don't want to be one of those guys that got wiped out because he has "feelings" or "loves" his wife.

[carhill]

So, did all your belongings end up in your new city? What happened to your old domicile in Phoenix?

 

Perhaps your love languages didn't translate well, but the timeline is pretty ironic, to say the least.

 

I hope you sue for full custody of your daughter. Fair is fair

[m030198]

Well she kept OUR CHILD, all of the belongings, the dogs. I'm beyond pissed. In a split second she became a mortal enemy. She refuses contact, refuses discussions, refuses negotiations, refuses to anything but her own terms. Therefore, I have no choice but attack back at full force.

[seibert253]

Sorry to say it M, but she played you. She knew exactly what she was doing.

 

Use this anger to your advantage. Have you hired a PI to see if she has an OM in the picture? I'll bet you'll be surprised what a PI will dig up on her.

 

Find yourself an azzhole of an attorney. One that has the reputation of being a real d#ck in the courtroom.

[carhill]

Also, ask around and get referrals to the top matrimonial attorneys in town and get a consult with each. That way, they can't represent her

[mark982]

seiberts right. if you can swing it go with a pi. and get the dirtiest,rotten,low down lawyer you can get. time to go nuclear on her.

[El Ben]

How much do you make?

What state do you live in?

And what's wrong with paying child support?

 

I doubt that she'll get both Alimony (and not much of that either) and you to pay off 120k.

 

Personally. Think it over. She deserves half of what you currently jointly have. And some more for helping you through uni.

 

Be fair. Be reasonable. And for the mother of your daughter, be kind.

 

But this is simply MY opinion.

 

I would pay $120k, and we've only been married 2 years. But no alimony (I got my degrees myself thank you very much).

[m030198]

Hi El Ben,

 

Well she didn't help through med school i would deposit my student loan checks directly into her account. I make a very good salary. I have no problem paying child support. She left me hanging in a very bad way with no money and only a suitcase full of dirty laundry. She got our child, all of our belongings and still wants to walk away from the marriage with no emotional or financial responsibility. So you tell me what is far my friend. I have no problem paying HALF of our debt. She is a professional and can make a decent income but would rather get allimony to 'get on her feet".

[lkjh]

How much do you make?

What state do you live in?

And what's wrong with paying child support?

 

I doubt that she'll get both Alimony (and not much of that either) and you to pay off 120k.

 

Personally. Think it over. She deserves half of what you currently jointly have. And some more for helping you through uni.

 

Be fair. Be reasonable. And for the mother of your daughter, be kind.

 

But this is simply MY opinion.

 

I would pay $120k, and we've only been married 2 years. But no alimony (I got my degrees myself thank you very much).

 

You are either a push over or a fool and your welcome very much

[m030198]

I agree. There is a difference between being caring and loving and being a fool.

[El Ben]

Pushover. Fool. Rather strong words. You. Don't. know. me.

 

M0: This is the way I see things - it's the mother of your kid we're talking about. And she WILL get custody of your child.

 

I speak of what I would do - not because I'm a pushover, and not because I'm a fool. Perhaps because I make a fair bit of money, perhaps not. I believe parental friction always spills over to the kids.

 

If she didn't help you with your schooling, and you don't make much (I thought doctors in the US made a fair bit of cash), then it's a different matter.

 

See, it all varies from state to state. You will possibly have to pay alimony for a while (5k a month does appear somewhat excessive, but in the end it depends on how much you make). You're also likely to have to split all your belongings along the middle.

 

Here's the fact - people tend to make ridiculous first demands with the expectation that the demands will be negotiated downwards. So the 120k may simply mean she wants say 50-60k. Again, I don't know how much your joint assets are worth.

 

Me? I have two sons with my ex. I expect to make critical decisions regarding specific parts of their upbringing, in particular, their education. If an extra $200 a month in childcare will make it easier to get my way, I'll pay it happily.

 

I should point out here that I'd probably pay over and above the expected childcare - I'm not going to marry again nor have any other kids, so I intend to spoil those boys something good.

 

But hey, that's just me.

[lkjh]

Pushover. Fool. Rather strong words. You. Don't. know. me.

 

M0: This is the way I see things - it's the mother of your kid we're talking about. And she WILL get custody of your child.

 

I speak of what I would do - not because I'm a pushover, and not because I'm a fool. Perhaps because I make a fair bit of money, perhaps not. I believe parental friction always spills over to the kids.

 

If she didn't help you with your schooling, and you don't make much (I thought doctors in the US made a fair bit of cash), then it's a different matter.

 

See, it all varies from state to state. You will possibly have to pay alimony for a while (5k a month does appear somewhat excessive, but in the end it depends on how much you make). You're also likely to have to split all your belongings along the middle.

 

Here's the fact - people tend to make ridiculous first demands with the expectation that the demands will be negotiated downwards. So the 120k may simply mean she wants say 50-60k. Again, I don't know how much your joint assets are worth.

 

Me? I have two sons with my ex. I expect to make critical decisions regarding specific parts of their upbringing, in particular, their education. If an extra $200 a month in childcare will make it easier to get my way, I'll pay it happily.

 

I should point out here that I'd probably pay over and above the expected childcare - I'm not going to marry again nor have any other kids, so I intend to spoil those boys something good.

 

But hey, that's just me.

 

What you are talking about is not paying child support, you are talking about letting someone who just destroyed you get everything for absolutely nothing. I am sure you are rich in all but if someone does what his wife did then you have to fight back. Also, there is no reason why he can't get joint custody. Last, doctor in the US do great just not during their residency.

[El Ben]

Someone who just destroyed you for absolutely nothing? Really?

 

How do you know it's "absolutely nothing"? Are you in this person's mind? The reality is that what appears to be absolutely nothing to you mind have been a relentless, driving need to them. What seems like selfishness to you may be self preservation/affirmation to them. The fact that someone doesn't love you doesn't neccessarily make that person a demon.

 

See, whether or not you file for (and get) joint custody, your daughter will spend some time with your spouse. It's hard enough on the child that her parents are getting married, why add the agravation of bitterness to it? Also, if you work as a physician in most countries, you're likely to work really long shifts. Watching a child can be really tricky when this happens.

 

If you can't afford to pay the money, then you can't afford to, end of story. If you can, then make sure you consider finding a position which makes sense to her, as well as to you.

[DenverBachelor]

It's hard enough on the child that her parents are getting married, why add the agravation of bitterness to it?

 

Although much aggravation and bitterness generally proceed marriage at some point, I think you meant divorced.

[lkjh]

Someone who just destroyed you for absolutely nothing? Really?

How do you know it's "absolutely nothing"? Are you in this person's mind? The reality is that what appears to be absolutely nothing to you mind have been a relentless, driving need to them. What seems like selfishness to you may be self preservation/affirmation to them. The fact that someone doesn't love you doesn't neccessarily make that person a demon.

 

See, whether or not you file for (and get) joint custody, your daughter will spend some time with your spouse. It's hard enough on the child that her parents are getting married, why add the agravation of bitterness to it? Also, if you work as a physician in most countries, you're likely to work really long shifts. Watching a child can be really tricky when this happens.

 

If you can't afford to pay the money, then you can't afford to, end of story. If you can, then make sure you consider finding a position which makes sense to her, as well as to you.

 

 

When you destroy your family for short sighted happiness, when you take your child away from their father, when do it in a sleezy way leaving the father of your child broke in a new city, and when you have had this planned and didn't respect your spouse enough to tell them, that makes you selfish. When you get married and have children your life is no longer about you. You have to work through problems or at least try, you dont just planned out an escape and hold your spouse hostage while doing it.

 

This weak mentality when it come to marriage and family is why the west is losing our family structure. People don't know what it means to get married and raise a family, they just look for what is best in the short term and crap on people while doing it.

[El Ben]

When you destroy your family for short sighted happiness, when you take your child away from their father, when do it in a sleezy way leaving the father of your child broke in a new city, and when you have had this planned and didn't respect your spouse enough to tell them, that makes you selfish. When you get married and have children your life is no longer about you. You have to work through problems or at least try, you dont just planned out an escape and hold your spouse hostage while doing it.

 

This weak mentality when it come to marriage and family is why the west is losing our family structure. People don't know what it means to get married and raise a family, they just look for what is best in the short term and crap on people while doing it.

 

Huh. "Why the west is losing our family structure"? Surely you jest. Marriage is an old establishment, created back in the days when a marriage was all about one person - the man. The reason why families are breaking down is because the reality of marriage has changed, while the concept hasn't adjusted quickly enough to match it.

 

In many nations outside of europe and africa, you marry your wife, she has your kids, and you go on doing what you want to do. THAT is the main reason why the marriages don't break up as much - women CAN'T question their husbands.

 

And what's this about "short sighted happiness"? Why is it the happiness that is short sighted? Why can't it be the marriage itself that is short sighted, with the break being the right thing?

 

Also, would you have preferred it if she had given him say - one year's notice (Honey, I no longer love you. I'm however going to stay with you for the next one year, just to get you prepared). Do you think this will be better?

[thom3]

How do you know it's "absolutely nothing"? Are you in this person's mind? The reality is that what appears to be absolutely nothing to you mind have been a relentless, driving need to them. What seems like selfishness to you may be self preservation/affirmation to them. The fact that someone doesn't love you doesn't neccessarily make that person a demon.

 

The fact that the person wants to take sole custody of your child and half your salary, and to divorce you right when you started making money so that the person could live off your hard work without sharing your lifestyle, then yes, that does make that person a demon. Get your head out of your arse; falling out of love doesn't give you that right to do that to someone else.

 

It's one thing to walk away, it's another to walk away demanding everything for yourself.

 

In the US, there's no such thing as putting a spouse through medical school. Medical students all take loans in their own names. It's very rare here that the other spouse contributes much to the educational debt while the medical student is in school and residency. The wife is not Mother Teresa selflessly sacrificing herself for her husband's career. This isn't the 1950s. The OP is doing all the hard work for his career. She knew the demands of medical school and residency when she married the OP. She obviously also knew the salary that physicians make after residency.

 

In many nations outside of europe and africa, you marry your wife, she has your kids, and you go on doing what you want to do. THAT is the main reason why the marriages don't break up as much - women CAN'T question their husbands.

 

And what's this about "short sighted happiness"? Why is it the happiness that is short sighted? Why can't it be the marriage itself that is short sighted, with the break being the right thing?

 

What the hell are you talking about? Africa? No one is saying that a divorce is necessarily bad, but it is evil when you do it for intentions of profit and when it is clearly premeditated. What right does the OP's wife have of taking the daughter away from his dad? The dad was not abusive. If the wife doesn't want to be a physician's wife anymore, she should take herself out from the family, not take everything from the physician and still mooch off the physician's salary.

Edited November 25, 2009 by thom3

[El Ben]

Strange. When do you think it would have been good for her to for divorce? When he was in school and had no income? The fact is that there's no good time to request a divorce.

 

As it is, I think things aren't too bad. He's going to ask for joint custody (IF he can spare the time from his busy physician hours), or he's going to pay the price. I doubt that there'll be any alimony for a 6 year marriage, so that's not an issue. Any belongings they have should be split 50-50. This is why I asked how much they owned, etc. Also why I asked how much he earns - whatever she gets for child support will be a function of what he earns.

 

It really isn't rocket science.

[nobmagnet]

m,

 

This situation sucks. I find it very difficult to think there are people out there that could possibly behave this way. I know for a fact you will do the right thing as regards to your child. your wife/devil deserves very little. She sounds like a complete Bitch that is calculating and heartless. my heart goes out to you

 

x

[lkjh]

El Ben,

Are you a complete fool? Marriage is a life long commitment designed to help people raise a family and get through hard times. That is the exact opposite of short sighted happiness. This idea that other cultures strive because they don't allow their women to speak is bs made up by feminist. In the US the two highest income earning ethnic groups, also have the highest education rate, lowest divorce rate, oh and lowest stress related diseases; those two groups are Asian Americans and Middle Eastern Americans. Both of these groups rank above even Caucasians. They also have very low(lowest) domestic violence cases.

 

Do you know what these groups have in common? A concept called family shame, this concept use to be common in all of the US but not anymore. The concept basically means they are completely family orientated, and a mother in these cultures never does what this woman has done. These groups tend to live healthier lives and report lower stress levels.

 

 

The idea that all around the world with the exception of the US and certain western countries that these countries have less divorce rates because they dont allow women to speak is idiotic.

 

Also, where did you get Africa from? That continent has more social problems then any place in the world.

 

 

How in the world can yo justify leaving your husband while the family is on the brink of moving to a different city and keeping his child from him? Her selfishness can completely shatter this guys life