Interpretation Requested

[BerkeleyPhysics]

I'm curious about an outsider's interpretation of my situation; due to the emotionally charged nature what I'm talking about, I find it difficult to analyze in a dispassionate and detached way.

 

I first met my friend B about eight years ago in high school; for a year, I knew her name and not much more than that. After a while, after we started talking more, and was attracted to her. She was interested in some other guy, though, so I could only be there as a friend. When she and the other guy were through, I tried to make a move for her, and she rejected me, staying friends through it all. When we went to college (five years ago) we essentially lost touch and didn't talk, except sporadically once a year or so.

 

Back in September of this year, I started writing to her again. This time, however, she wrote back, and we've been corresponding ever since. I would write to her once every two or three days, and she would respond every weekend. Keep in mind that we had neither seen nor talked to each other in five years.

 

This correspondence continued for the last three months, and we'd talk about random things and our lives and school and futures and stuff like that. At no point in any of our letters has it been romantic or with romantic leanings.

 

So, I decided to dig up my old hard drives to find her phone number and called her. The first time I called was pretty awful; we talked for five minutes and ran out of things to talk about. With some coaching from my friends, my second call lasted maybe half an hour.

 

In one letter subsequently, we talked about meeting, and she said she would love to go see a play or opera or ballet or something with me, a sign I find very encouraging. So, I got two tickets for Swan Lake, to which we will be going in February.

 

With Thanksgiving break coming up, I'll be going back to my hometown again and I'll see her when I'm there. I guess my question is this now:

 

Having one rejection in our past, that sets the precedent. However, that was five years ago. Do you people believe there exists a reasonable possibility she may have changed her mind about liking me romantically since the last time we talked? Or do women's minds not work like that and chances are she still does not like me romantically?

[VeveCakes]

You could spend hours decoding every conversation...or, you could just ask her. That way you'll know for sure. You have nothing to lose

[mem11363]

What has changed about you that would cause her to see you differently?

 

Are you more successful financially?

 

More skilled/confident socially?

 

The simple passage of time is not helpful. If you have not really changed then don't get your hopes up.

 

 

 

I'm curious about an outsider's interpretation of my situation; due to the emotionally charged nature what I'm talking about, I find it difficult to analyze in a dispassionate and detached way.

 

I first met my friend B about eight years ago in high school; for a year, I knew her name and not much more than that. After a while, after we started talking more, and was attracted to her. She was interested in some other guy, though, so I could only be there as a friend. When she and the other guy were through, I tried to make a move for her, and she rejected me, staying friends through it all. When we went to college (five years ago) we essentially lost touch and didn't talk, except sporadically once a year or so.

 

Back in September of this year, I started writing to her again. This time, however, she wrote back, and we've been corresponding ever since. I would write to her once every two or three days, and she would respond every weekend. Keep in mind that we had neither seen nor talked to each other in five years.

 

This correspondence continued for the last three months, and we'd talk about random things and our lives and school and futures and stuff like that. At no point in any of our letters has it been romantic or with romantic leanings.

 

So, I decided to dig up my old hard drives to find her phone number and called her. The first time I called was pretty awful; we talked for five minutes and ran out of things to talk about. With some coaching from my friends, my second call lasted maybe half an hour.

 

In one letter subsequently, we talked about meeting, and she said she would love to go see a play or opera or ballet or something with me, a sign I find very encouraging. So, I got two tickets for Swan Lake, to which we will be going in February.

 

With Thanksgiving break coming up, I'll be going back to my hometown again and I'll see her when I'm there. I guess my question is this now:

 

Having one rejection in our past, that sets the precedent. However, that was five years ago. Do you people believe there exists a reasonable possibility she may have changed her mind about liking me romantically since the last time we talked? Or do women's minds not work like that and chances are she still does not like me romantically?

[jerseyboy]

What has changed about you that would cause her to see you differently?

 

Are you more successful financially?

 

More skilled/confident socially?

 

The simple passage of time is not helpful. If you have not really changed then don't get your hopes up.

 

 

I think the game plan is seduction through osmosis. If he can just remain in her life long enough, hell begin to grow on her, not unlike a fungus.

[carhill]

I hope you like ballet. My advice would be, in the future, to refrain from making such far out future plans with someone you don't have an ongoing real world flesh-pressing relationship with. Of course, if she sent you money for her ticket, I'll retract my advice.

 

Otherwise, see her when you are in town for Thanksgiving and see what happens.

 

From experience, a 'friend' I had many years ago and for whom I had substantial emotional attachment during that time contacted me by phone (as a response to a card I sent) and we happily chattered away for a couple of hours, not having seen each other in 14 years. There was no awkwardness at all. It was the same when we met in person a few months later. Even though we were 20+ years older than when first meeting, time had not passed at all, for me anyway.

 

That's one scenario. The other may be that this will be an online experience with someone from your past which won't transition into real life at any level, or at a level other than romantic. My advice is to enjoy the ride and accept what results.

[mem11363]

Good points below. You have already telegraphed that you are VERY interested in her.

 

 

I hope you like ballet. My advice would be, in the future, to refrain from making such far out future plans with someone you don't have an ongoing real world flesh-pressing relationship with. Of course, if she sent you money for her ticket, I'll retract my advice.

 

Otherwise, see her when you are in town for Thanksgiving and see what happens.

 

From experience, a 'friend' I had many years ago and for whom I had substantial emotional attachment during that time contacted me by phone (as a response to a card I sent) and we happily chattered away for a couple of hours, not having seen each other in 14 years. There was no awkwardness at all. It was the same when we met in person a few months later. Even though we were 20+ years older than when first meeting, time had not passed at all, for me anyway.

 

That's one scenario. The other may be that this will be an online experience with someone from your past which won't transition into real life at any level, or at a level other than romantic. My advice is to enjoy the ride and accept what results.

[BerkeleyPhysics]

Thanks for the quick and very reasonable replies.

 

You could spend hours decoding every conversation [...] You have nothing to lose

 

I have considered this, just ask her straight up and be blunt about it. However, I am hesitant, since that might put our friendship into that weird awkward phase that inevitably follows rejection. I suppose I could just ask her but not let it affect me. I have to consider the possible outcomes from here.

 

hell begin to grow on her, not unlike a fungus.

 

Wonderfully romantic .

 

I hope you like ballet.

 

I love ballet. I would have seen it with or without her. Granted, I wouldn't have bought two tickets for myself.

 

The other may be that this will be an online experience with someone from your past which won't transition into real life at any level

 

Perhaps this affects your comment, perhaps it doesn't, but never at any time have I ever e-mailed her or talked to her on AIM, facebook, or anything, really. It's been pen, paper and stamps for us.

 

What has changed about you that would cause her to see you differently?

 

Are you more successful financially?

 

More skilled/confident socially?

 

The simple passage of time is not helpful. If you have not really changed then don't get your hopes up.

 

These are very pithy questions that I have not yet considered. I am on my way to becoming more successfully financially, though not actualized just yet. I am definitely easier to talk to and not as dimwitted as before. However, is this going to be enough to change her perception of me from being like a brother to her to something different this time.

 

I recognize that the worst thing to do is overtly demonstrate how I've changed; I believe that will come off as show-offy and disingenuous. Perhaps the best way to demonstrate my new qualities is to actually spend time with her so she can feel the difference. When she feels the difference maybe her feelings will be different.

 

My advice is to enjoy the ride and accept what results.

 

Yes, I'm willing to accept what comes as opposed to expect anything.

[carhill]

I am definitely easier to talk to and not as dimwitted as before. However, is this going to be enough to change her perception of me from being like a brother to her to something different this time.

 

What do you think? It's how you think and feel which will be received and interpreted by her.

 

If you have been successfully dating women, and have the perspective from that experience, she will sense that. If you're still 'getting there', she will sense that. If you 'feel like a brother', she'll sense that. Up to you

 

When you begin to see women as part of your domain of possibilities rather than individuals with more value than they earn, IMO your perspective and results will change.

 

BTW, kudos for the pen and paper and stamps. I value old-fashioned. I still have my father's war-time letters and those to my mother. Nothing beats those kinds of memories. That's what life's about. Electrons just don't seem the same. Best wishes

[VeveCakes]

Thanks for the quick and very reasonable replies.

 

 

I have considered this, just ask her straight up and be blunt about it. However, I am hesitant, since that might put our friendship into that weird awkward phase that inevitably follows rejection. I suppose I could just ask her but not let it affect me. I have to consider the possible outcomes from here.

 

 

Do you want to be her friend or her lover. Decide now.

[BerkeleyPhysics]

So we went about it and took a stroll around UC Davis, which I requested to go see. I was hoping to sit down by the lake and feed the ducks or something, but she took us back into campus and more solid ground, where we spent half an hour poking around the library to see if it was very occupied.

 

When we ran out of things to do, I suggested we watch a movie -- NOT "New Moon." we walked around to find a place to watch Spielburg's "The Terminal" on my computer, but when we finally sat down, she said that since it's such a nice day out, she'd rather be walking about and enjoying the outdoors than inside with a movie.

 

So, we walked around outside until the topic turned to religion, so we talked about that, and on and on and on. Finally, the topic turned to music and we walked into a music shop to try the electric keyboards and stuff (and also I'm reasonably talented at the piano)

 

After that, she drove me home (not real smooth on my part, but I needed a ride) and we parted, no kiss, no hug nothing.

 

So, we went out, if you take the most literal definition of "out" to mean outside, but she didn't seem at all interested in me romantically, only as a friend.

 

I guess I'll keep writing to her and see if she changes her mind or something strikes between now and January, but frankly, I'm not holding my breath for it.

 

Thanks for the advice and reading about this, guys. Life happens, **** goes on ... oh wait, the other way around .