billy the kid Posted June 14, 2000 Share Posted June 14, 2000 even if i were deeply in love, I would still come cuz sometimes you can read a mistake that some one else made that you can avoid.. I really like this site.. now one for you and everyone else that cares to give their 2 cts.. the guys and I at work had a talk to day. one of them is getting married on the 24th.. any way it came up by one of the guys that you should never marry some one that doesn't love you more than you love them. almost every one agreed now master T give it some thought before you answer...and remember these were just men talking, Please no offence to any women here, but i would like the ladies thoughts.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 14, 2000 Share Posted June 14, 2000 I think it is basically agreed that the person who cares least controls the relationship. Ideally, both should love to the max of their capacity and therefore neither would be in control. But, yes, there are a lot of people who "settle" and do not love the other person as much as the other person loves them. Though not the ideal relationship, this scenario does put the person who loves the other less pretty much in control of the situation. The one who loves greater is willing to do more, make more concessions, make more compromises and generally work harder to keep the relationship going. I don't think this is what people ought to strive for. So, your buddies were making some kind of point. If you want a relationship to last a bit longer and you are willing to make the sacrifice or you want to reduce somewhat the chances of your getting hurt, yes, marry a person who loves you more than you love them. But if you want to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship, give in to love all the way and let nature take its course. These are my personal feelings and textbook facts but I'm sure others have their own feelings about the subject. I would hate to think that people would set out from the start to find a marriage partner who loved them more than they loved that person. I wish your friend great success and happiness in his upcoming marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
LT Posted June 14, 2000 Share Posted June 14, 2000 I'm not a guy but here's my 2 cents anyway. WhenI was 21 I married a guy who loved me more than I loved him. Not to control the relationship, more because he seemed to the first NORMAL person who'd ever loved me. 12 years later it ended, but not because of that. Anyway, since then I've had the joy of really being in love and I wouldn't trade it EVER for being in a halfway-love relationship again. Here's an idea. Go back to those guys and give them this proposition: God comes down from on high and says "From now on you can either love or be loved by whoever and however many you wish, but you can't have both. You have to choose whether you want to feel the love or whether you want other people to feel love for you. Decide." Now, imagine you could never love your children. Or your parents. Or your best friend. Or a lover. But all those people loved you. Woo hoo. You're in control, yes? But trust me, you'd never feel joy again. You'd probably end up committing suicide. But if you'd chosen TO love you'd have the joy and, yes, probably the pain. But you'll stay alive. It's hard to love all the way...it's the scariest thing in the world. And more often than not you'll get toppled (painfully) from cloud 9. And it's hard to tell if the other person is as nuts about you as you are about them. But when it works, there's nothing else like it and nothing you'd trade it for...*nothing.* My own experience has taught me that if you'd trade real love for something else (including being loved more), then you've never really loved. And that's really, incredibly, sad. LT even if i were deeply in love, I would still come cuz sometimes you can read a mistake that some one else made that you can avoid.. I really like this site.. now one for you and everyone else that cares to give their 2 cts.. the guys and I at work had a talk to day. one of them is getting married on the 24th.. any way it came up by one of the guys that you should never marry some one that doesn't love you more than you love them. almost every one agreed now master T give it some thought before you answer...and remember these were just men talking, Please no offence to any women here, but i would like the ladies thoughts.. Link to post Share on other sites
Aria Posted June 14, 2000 Share Posted June 14, 2000 I think there is some merit to what those guys were saying. I would like to think that they didn't mean it in a selfish way, but I'm afraid that they probably did. If not, they could have just been refering to the fact that you want to make sure you aren't the one putting in all the effort, that you are getting something in return, which I realize isn't the point but does help a lot. On a different thought, I found it weird to hear about guys talking about marriage since I usually think this is a topic guys avoid talking about at any cost. I'm not a guy but here's my 2 cents anyway. WhenI was 21 I married a guy who loved me more than I loved him. Not to control the relationship, more because he seemed to the first NORMAL person who'd ever loved me. 12 years later it ended, but not because of that. Anyway, since then I've had the joy of really being in love and I wouldn't trade it EVER for being in a halfway-love relationship again. Here's an idea. Go back to those guys and give them this proposition: God comes down from on high and says "From now on you can either love or be loved by whoever and however many you wish, but you can't have both. You have to choose whether you want to feel the love or whether you want other people to feel love for you. Decide." Now, imagine you could never love your children. Or your parents. Or your best friend. Or a lover. But all those people loved you. Woo hoo. You're in control, yes? But trust me, you'd never feel joy again. You'd probably end up committing suicide. But if you'd chosen TO love you'd have the joy and, yes, probably the pain. But you'll stay alive. It's hard to love all the way...it's the scariest thing in the world. And more often than not you'll get toppled (painfully) from cloud 9. And it's hard to tell if the other person is as nuts about you as you are about them. But when it works, there's nothing else like it and nothing you'd trade it for...*nothing.* My own experience has taught me that if you'd trade real love for something else (including being loved more), then you've never really loved. And that's really, incredibly, sad. LT Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 14, 2000 Share Posted June 14, 2000 Great story and some great points, LT... Link to post Share on other sites
LT Posted June 14, 2000 Share Posted June 14, 2000 hehehehe....I think things are changing with that marriage thing. I've been been single for 7 years and I'm in absolutely no rush to ever be married again. The guys I've dated, however, often have been. Why? Our culture hasn't changed *that* much -- men still dream of that perfect wife who cooks, cleans, shops, takes care of the babies, sits pretty on his arm, and gives him sex whenever he wants. They don't seem to be playing the commitment shy marriage-phobes anymore because the number of women out there willing to put themselves through that grind has diminished considerably. Women who have been "been there, done that" (like me) see absolutely no reason to go there again, and there's not enough prozac in the world to make me . Even young women are showing remarkable "Just Say No" abilities in that department. But most of my male friends would LOVE to be married. The ones who are married have nothing but complaints because their wives won't take care of them the way June Cleaver would. It's amusing but it's also why I pretty much don't bother to date anymore. I don't want to get married again and most men my age don't know the meaning of the term "casual dating," their goal oriented task seems to be not bedding me but seeing whether my domestic skills are up to par! The last date I went on I told the guy up front I couldn't boil water and I sent the laundry out because it was cheaper than having to replace the clothes I kept ruining. He never called again! (boo hoo) LT I think there is some merit to what those guys were saying. I would like to think that they didn't mean it in a selfish way, but I'm afraid that they probably did. If not, they could have just been refering to the fact that you want to make sure you aren't the one putting in all the effort, that you are getting something in return, which I realize isn't the point but does help a lot. On a different thought, I found it weird to hear about guys talking about marriage since I usually think this is a topic guys avoid talking about at any cost. Link to post Share on other sites
magicklady Posted June 14, 2000 Share Posted June 14, 2000 LT you go girl!! Isn't that the truth! I can't even go out on a first date with a guy and him not expect me to be his sole property or something. I have been asked to marry guy on the 3rd date these days men are just wanting someone to take care of them. I am enjoying the single life myself and it seems to be working for me. I haven't been out on a date in quite a while either and find that being with my friend is just about as fulfilling. I like the way you see things however and TOTALLY agree with you on that! I wonder when it all changed from women being the ones who wanted to get married to the men wanting it more, used to the men I knew would run from it at all costs and now they are asking people they hardly know. I am 31 and haven't ever been married and to tell you the truth really don't want to! Link to post Share on other sites
LT Posted June 16, 2000 Share Posted June 16, 2000 Well, I'm actually a pretty good cook and I can keep an anally retentive house...but c'mon!!! Geez...for what??? My altruism in such matters has unhappily turned to "So, what's in this for ME, again??" Explain to me why guys see relationships as a way to get their frigging laundry done?? Or to get regular sex? I try to keep an open mind but I've just been disillusioned too many times. Hence I have a lot of male friends but no one in the dating arena...friends don't expect you to "put out" anything except TLC. Why can't men be happy with that when it comes to relationships?? Seems I always run into the "You deal with MY problems and you deal with YOUR problems so I don't have to deal with anything" kind of men. Give me a break. Yeah, I know, Tony, it's prolly my fault somehow. Frustrated, LT Great story and some great points, LT... Link to post Share on other sites
magicklady Posted June 16, 2000 Share Posted June 16, 2000 It is not your fault.. 99% of the men I have met are like that is well and that is why I am single and loving it right now!! Link to post Share on other sites
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