Sinking into depression

[Cranialrupture]

I need some help. I am sinking into a depression. I wish I could go complete NC but its impossible because we 3 kids together. As time goes on she is becoming more unstable and I am becoming more of a piece of sh*t to her. When she left it was the ILYBNILWY and "I am not happy anymore". Now that she knows I am working on divorce papers I am getting beat on and attacked emotionally. I know its her feelings and her way to cope and is not my problem anymore, but its hard to be attacked like this. I do everything I can to keep it civil and leave but she gets out some bombshells anyways. Is this normal behaviour?

 

Anyways I am fighting a depression that seems to be taking me over. I need to go see a pschyatrist but I have no money for one. I am trying to eat right and excercise and do things I want to do but the depression seems to be getting the better of me. I am hurting so bad. I honestly do not want her back, but my stupid brain keeps wandering in the direction of hope. I am starting to have suicidal thoughts and they scare the hell out of me. I see ads for anti-depressants but the side affects of increasing suicidal thoughts scares me. I am already fighting those thoughts. Any suggestions you might have to help me with this depression would be greatly greatly appreciated.

[nobleguy]

I am going through the same stages and experiencing the same reactions from my ex. She left me. Yet she was always jealous when she knew I was out on the town. Upset when deleted and blocked from FB. And upset when I asked for the house keys back. And when I mentioned divorce. And when I bag stuff up and give it to her. I got a cutting remark on Monday when she assumed I was going on a date on Friday (I'm not but why tell her either way...). It's endless jealousy from her - a woman that supposedly doesn't want me anymore. She is seeing someone else.

 

And I too have been horrible to her in reaction to the split. Really nasty at times. I can't do NC either because of the children.

 

I fought the emotions for 3 1/2 months before finally admitting defeat. I had got so low that I honestly couldn't care less if I never woke up again. I literally spiralled into a numb, emotionless robot. I was ill. I thought about suicide a LOT (literally all day sometimes). Usually the thought of the children stopped me thinking about it for a bit, but then even that reason not to do it was no longer good enough, so I finally went to the doctor.

 

I started on the anti-depressants nearly two weeks ago and although they are not an instant cure they have taken the edge off it a bit. I have seen myself improve over that time and I've managed to get a bit more of a perspective on things. I'm adamant about not having her back even if she changes her mind, yet I still hold hope. Strange... I think I want her to say "I want you back" and be able to tell her no.

 

Anyway, if you are feeling that bad (and it really is bad I know) then please go to the doctor. They do have side-effects of suicidal thoughts in a small minority of people, but if you're having those thoughts strongly anyway... I'd give them a go personally. Nothing wrong with temporary support, whatever form that takes.

[sumdude]

Depression is a part of the grieving process. There's really no way around it but through it. If you do find yourself thinking strong suicidal thoughts I would get therapy one way or another. Otherwise you just have to understand that you're depressed and with a good reason. It will pass in time, keep that in mind. There's no magic pill for a broken heart.

 

Wish I had a better or easier answer but I don't. Been through it for the last few years myself for a number of reasons including divorce. Exercise and talking it out with someone you trust are the best medicines. If you really can't afford to see a councilor of some sort just find someone to talk to and keep posting here. We've been there and want to help.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Go LC. Only talk about the kids when needed and only about the kids. Do not argue or talk about anything else. If you start to notice the change in shift towards something else or can feel overwhelming emotions coming out from you and/or notice her starting up...end the conversation. Tell her now is not a good time to talk and that its drifting from the kids and will talk at a later time so that things can settle down.

 

I agree with everyone else. Go see your doctor and tell em whats going on. You would be surprised sometimes with what comes out of it. I went and seen mine and surprisingly...they work with mental health coordinators and set me up with one where they have a ton of resources. She hooked me up with a 10 week program (i start in jan). As for anti-depressants...they have come a long way since when they first came out years ago. I have heard some good things about them and have friends that use them. They help to get us by on hard times like this. When you start out they usually start with the lowest dosage...which is very safe and still very effective. Hell i have some myself.

 

Although we may know whats good for us and can understand that we cannot control them or whats going on....it does not make the pain hurt any less. It hurts...and it hurts a lot. (God do i ever know that feeling).

 

What she is doing is very normal. The ones that do the hurting want us to be around. Its some kind of expectation that we will always be there and be around because we are what they know. It scares them...scares her whether she realizes it or not...that you are...and CAN...move on without her. The more strength you show...the more weaker they become...they react in some way. By lashing out...or by trying to come back using variety of methods...etc. Its the dynamics in relationships.

 

There is nothing stupid about your brain. There is a war going on inside of you. Between your thinking part of the brain that knows you dont want her back anymore...and your emotional side of the brain that wants the pain to end even if that means wanting her back. You already know what is the best thing for you. Stay true and stay strong with that. Right now your in the abyss of despair...weve all been there...it really sucks. I promise you can..and will step out of it...just give it time...and know your still walking on the path....

[soheartbroken]

I also fell into a pretty dark depression, and am still there at times, so you're not alone. I consider medication every time it gets bad, but I have many reservations about it (maybe unjustified, who knows), so I have held off for the time being. My doctor seems convinced that I would respond well to them.

 

Is depression something that is normal for you? If not, I think like SumDude said, depression can be a part of the grieving process. Recognize it and tell someone about it (starting here is good).

 

Please keep us posted about what you decide/do. I don't often see posts specifically about depression and grieving, and I find this thread interesting.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm feeling the same and my thoughts scare the hell out of me, haven't much advice right now as I'm in the thick of it myself, it is part of the grieving process and I'm told I will come through it.

Hang in there, you're not alone in how you feel.

 

 

I need some help. I am sinking into a depression. I wish I could go complete NC but its impossible because we 3 kids together. As time goes on she is becoming more unstable and I am becoming more of a piece of sh*t to her. When she left it was the ILYBNILWY and "I am not happy anymore". Now that she knows I am working on divorce papers I am getting beat on and attacked emotionally. I know its her feelings and her way to cope and is not my problem anymore, but its hard to be attacked like this. I do everything I can to keep it civil and leave but she gets out some bombshells anyways. Is this normal behaviour?

 

Anyways I am fighting a depression that seems to be taking me over. I need to go see a pschyatrist but I have no money for one. I am trying to eat right and excercise and do things I want to do but the depression seems to be getting the better of me. I am hurting so bad. I honestly do not want her back, but my stupid brain keeps wandering in the direction of hope. I am starting to have suicidal thoughts and they scare the hell out of me. I see ads for anti-depressants but the side affects of increasing suicidal thoughts scares me. I am already fighting those thoughts. Any suggestions you might have to help me with this depression would be greatly greatly appreciated.

[sumdude]

Is depression something that is normal for you? If not, I think like SumDude said, depression can be a part of the grieving process. Recognize it and tell someone about it (starting here is good).

 

Please keep us posted about what you decide/do. I don't often see posts specifically about depression and grieving, and I find this thread interesting.

 

There's one school of thought (Kubler -Ross) that talks about certain stages of grieving. They don't always happen in order. You can bounce between them a lot. Between a few funerals and my divorce in the last couple of years I've become a bit familiar.

 

Denial/Shock

Anger

Bargaining/Guilt (you'll do or think of anything to make it go back to how it was)

Depression

Acceptance

 

The thing is your outer rational mind may know and accept things but you inner mind can take quite a while to catch up.

[Cranialrupture]

 

Is depression something that is normal for you? QUOTE]

 

No ,it is definately not normal for me. I am almost always outgoing, happy and have always been able to make good of a bad situation. I do not like this. I feel like just giving up.

[sumdude]

 

No ,it is definately not normal for me. I am almost always outgoing, happy and have always been able to make good of a bad situation. I do not like this. I feel like just giving up.

 

You'll get through this. Especially if you have no history of depression. I've had bouts with it throughout my life so maybe I'm a bit used to it. Can't imagine what it would be like for someone who's never really felt it. Must be quite a shock. You're going to be OK, it's a natural reaction to a painful situation. It will pass and the sun will shine again. Just keep climbing that mountain until the clouds part. You'll have bad days, then a good one.. the bad ones get fewer and fewer over time. One day, one minute, one second at a time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I guarantee! You'll also come out a stronger individual for it.

"When you're going through hell just keep going." - Winston Churchill

Edited November 18, 2009 by sumdude

[Cranialrupture]

Update:

 

Went to pick up the kids and the kids's chaos seems to lift the depression a very little which is good but I am still really in the dump and now I am fighting my depression and not trying to show the kids it. I so want to get over this. When I was over to the ex's place picking up the kids I so wanted to grab a hold of my stbxw and hold her and love her and kiss her. I wanted her so bad physically. It was driving me insane. I got out of there as fast as I could but it couldn't be fast enough. I am never going to get over this when I am wanting stuff like that. It's horrible.

[JLoves]

I had this whole thing about me typed in... but I'll put that in my thread.

 

I went to the docs last week a couple of days after the sh*t hit the fan to see if she felt I was depressed.

 

I did the 10 questions test and she didn't think I was depressed. Very unhappy, but not depressed.

 

It's worth going to the doctor just to find out either way.

 

I'm glad I have the kids here. They come into my bed in the morning and I give them a big hug. I guess it's going to get hard when they start having sleep overs at wifes house when ever she organises that.

 

The kids keep me doing stuff I'm not happy about doing. Money and Kids...

[soheartbroken]

Hi again CR.

 

If depression is foreign to you then I really think it's just part of your grieving process. It is SO SCARY. I know that. It's crazy that you can be fine for years and then have these totally hopeless thoughts. Is there any abandonment in your past?

 

I hope we all get through this. I'll be checking on your thread.

 

HoH, I've been trying to check in on yours too. Always PM if you need to.

[Cranialrupture]

Hi again CR.

 

If depression is foreign to you then I really think it's just part of your grieving process. It is SO SCARY. I know that. It's crazy that you can be fine for years and then have these totally hopeless thoughts. Is there any abandonment in your past?

I hope we all get through this. I'll be checking on your thread.

 

HoH, I've been trying to check in on yours too. Always PM if you need to.

 

No I don't believe I have any abandonment issues. My parents never got a divorce even though while I was in high school, it got really really ugly between them. They yelled at each other almost every night and my mom would throw things at my dad and they slept in different rooms for about 3 years, but they were able to solve their problems and had a very happy marriage from then on. I never really saw how happy they were together till my dad died about 5 years ago. But no abandonment issues that I know of.

[Cranialrupture]

Maybe that's one reason why I am struggling so hard with this, is that I have seen two people go through some of the worst hell I have ever seen anyone go through and they were able to make it work and truely love each other and be happy together. The issues between me and my stbxw are so minor in comparison its frustrating. Maybe I am just jealous of my parents being so old school and actually having values that they believed in and followed instead of just saying you believe them, then when it gets hard you bail. It just seems nowadays people are such wusses anymore that they believe marriage vows are 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer' then in fine print that you can't see 'unless it actually gets worse, or you get sick, or we loose all our money, then i'm gone'.

 

 

hmm I just reread that and was going to delete it but decided to keep it because I am just sharing some of my feelings honestly. If you don't like it to bad, I am just so down right now I really don't care.

 

 

yes I will go see a doctor somehow.

[Gunny376]

Depression goes hand in glove with martial separation and divorce.

 

For me it was that I was raised with one set of values, beliefs about marriage, and my spouse was raised with another.

 

Me? Old school having been raised primarily by my grandparents. She on the other hand ran from every problem she was ever confronted with.

 

The solution? You've got to refine yourself, your believes, and concepts about life, yourself, and what marriage is and isn't.

 

Marriage isn't what it was seventy years ago. Nor even thirty years ago. Now people fall in love with people across thousands of miles that they've never meet. Via Facebook, MySpace, the internet, etc.

 

For many its nothing more than what Bruce Springsteen said in his song ~ "Everyone's Got A Hungry Heart"

 

I can tell you this! You've got to fight your way out of depression ~ and there's no pill for that.

 

You've got to get up each morning and go through the motions ~ actions precedes emotion. That is to say you've got to do it before you feel like doing it.

 

Abe Lincoln said, "Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be."

 

He said that because (1) He was one of the biggest failures at everything he did throughout his life prior to becoming President, (Yes even becoming a U.S. Senator) and (2) He was married to one of the biggest 'basket cases" of a First Ladies ever! (She was committed to a mental institution after his death)

 

IMHO what is causing your depression is the denial that its over, and refusing to accept the concept that you may very well possibly be single and alone for the rest of your life? (A possibility but not a like-le-hood)

 

One of the biggies when going through all of this is the mind telling you that you will never find another such as the one that you've lost (grieving)

 

And that's nothing but BS!

 

And what if it is?

 

One thing about it?

 

You can't go wrong by yourself!

 

There's a lot of upside to being married and with someone else!

 

And there's a lot of upside to being single and alone.

 

Me? I would rather be single and alone than drag the dead horse of a wife that I had around with me everywhere I go for the rest of my life.

[nobleguy]

When I was over to the ex's place picking up the kids I so wanted to grab a hold of my stbxw and hold her and love her and kiss her. I wanted her so bad physically. It was driving me insane. I got out of there as fast as I could but it couldn't be fast enough. I am never going to get over this when I am wanting stuff like that. It's horrible.

 

Been there. It's awful. Every time I do it now I just look at the ground or the children, ignore every effort at small talk from her and tell her nothing. Pack the kids in the car quick, ignore her goodbye and drive off without looking back. It's the only way.

 

Even taking a quick two-second glance on Tuesday morning I got a sad sorrowful wave goodbye from her and it just made me analyse the action for the hour afterwards. Nothing good came of it.

 

You can't go wrong by yourself!

 

There's a lot of upside to being married and with someone else!

 

And there's a lot of upside to being single and alone.

 

Me? I would rather be single and alone than drag the dead horse of a wife that I had around with me everywhere I go for the rest of my life.

 

Have to agree with that. I'm finally, slowly coming round to this way of thinking.

[Cranialrupture]

Update.

 

Ending my work day and all I have wanted to do still is curl into a ball buried under my blankets or float in a hot bath. I have continued my excercising and trying to continue to eat right and keeping busy but it all seems to have no effect. So I am going into the doctors on my way home from work and going to get some help. I cant afford it but I cant afford to loose my job either and this is affecting my performance at work in a big way. My boss will only be so understanding for so long. Will keep posting here because I do seem to pull out of it ever so slighty reading your replies. Thank you all for posting and helping me.

[Gunny376]

I'm not a mental health professional and what I'm about to post comes from experience.

 

The biggest fight of my marriage I was still in the Corps, and was at the time more less in a rouge assignment, and therefore was solely responsible for staying in shape and meeting MC (Marine Corps) physical fitness standards.

 

Which meant I had to drag my butt out each day a minimum of five times a week, do the "Daily Seven (Seven different varying calisthenics four count reps, [That is to say doing it four times ~ counted as one] stretching exercises, then a minimum of a three mile run, come back and do cool down exercises, more stretching exercise, etc.

 

I could run about six miles easily enough ~ but on that day I was seriously PO, and ran and kept on running.

 

When I got back I was literally high on endorphins. I was at peace with myself, the World and the Universe. I didn't have a care in the World. I didn't care about the wife's BS.

 

I had ran a little over ten miles.

 

The exercise will help you in your depression ~ but if its not? Then you need to intensify your PT program. (PT = Physical Training) Don't try to go from zero to one hundred? Just up it a little more each day.

 

You didn't mention what kind of exercise your doing? If your doing aerobics, (running, jogging, walking, swimming ~ things that pump oxygen into your system) or anaerobic, (pumping iron and such)

 

If your just doing anaerobic, (pumping iron) then your not going to get the benefits of the endorphins that will benefit your overall mental health.

 

 

Anaerobic will help you sleep better ~ and with your most recent post about going to bed ~ makes me suspect your form of exercise is going to the gym.

 

If that is your sole form of exercise, then you need to look into incorporating an aerobic exercise into you PT program. It doesn't have to be running per say ~ it could be swimming, biking, etc.

 

Start out slow. Monitor your program, and gradually up your program.

 

The best program would be if you were to incorporate both aerobic and anaerobic in your daily program.

 

If you do so ~ start out with aerobic first (preferably at the beginning of your sleep cycle ~ that's to say when you first wake up ~ and then follow on with anaerobic.)

 

You might want to go to WallyWorld (WalMart) and look in the Vitamin and Supplement section and look at taking some Saint John's Wort and/ or some "e" think of a very large "e" ~ but don't do so without consulting with your Dr. and NEVER do so while taking any kind of other medications even over the counter.

 

None of this is an over-night cure-all to be all!

 

Its going to take months and months of commitment to an over toward your healing yourself and getting better.

 

That is to say! Your going to have to work at it and earn it!

 

In most human endeavors we start out with "E = r" in which it takes a great amount of effort (E) that result minimum results ®, but with commitment and effort the equation flips to "e=R" in which little effort is needed to yield large results.

 

For most of us it takes about five years for us to become really good at something? About ten years to master it?

 

Strange huh?

 

Which is why to earn a bachelors degree take a minimum of four years (Supposedly ~ actually more like seven ~ given the cost of college these days) and six to earn a Master's, and even more to earn a PhD or a doctorate.

 

Part of your depression is that your being way too hard on yourself?

 

You and a lot of the others here on this borard.

 

When prior to your marriage did you earn your doctorate in marriage / relationships?

 

I know I didn't! Not at 22 and in looking back?

 

I didn't have a freaking clue.

 

I didn't have a clue as to what it meant to be married nor to have a successful one?

 

I didn't have a clue that when it comes to relationships? Marriage>

 

Easy to get into (fall into) can be difficult to maintain, and oftentimes even harder to get out of.

[soheartbroken]

Hi again.

 

I think you will pull out of it without medication, but I completely get that you have to stay functional for your job. I've told myself that if I have to go through this again, I'm going to go on the meds. Right now I'm trying to learn from the depression without medicating it, but I don't have a full-time, demanding job.

 

I also wanted to curl up with my pain, under some warm blankets. I get what that's like. Still do sometimes.

 

All the things that you say you are doing are going to pay off. But if it were that simple, no one would be depressed! So I think you just have to go through it. And I know it sucks because there were times when I got NO JOY out of anything..even things I used to enjoy. In fact, sometimes doing things made me feel worse. Likely because being out in the real world (as opposed to curled under blankets) triggered many, many memories...especially doing things for the first time.

 

Anyway, I know the depression really sucks. The thoughts can be very scary and hopeless, but you sound like you're doing what you can. If you and your doctor think medication is right for you, then by all means...

 

Please keep updating when you feel up to it. I'm confident you will pull through. I'd be interested in seeing how the meds work for you, if you decide to take them.

 

Can I ask if your nights seem better than your days?

[Midnight Rider]

I need some help. I am sinking into a depression. I wish I could go complete NC but its impossible because we 3 kids together. As time goes on she is becoming more unstable and I am becoming more of a piece of sh*t to her. When she left it was the ILYBNILWY and "I am not happy anymore". Now that she knows I am working on divorce papers I am getting beat on and attacked emotionally. I know its her feelings and her way to cope and is not my problem anymore, but its hard to be attacked like this. I do everything I can to keep it civil and leave but she gets out some bombshells anyways. Is this normal behaviour?

 

Anyways I am fighting a depression that seems to be taking me over. I need to go see a pschyatrist but I have no money for one. I am trying to eat right and excercise and do things I want to do but the depression seems to be getting the better of me. I am hurting so bad. I honestly do not want her back, but my stupid brain keeps wandering in the direction of hope. I am starting to have suicidal thoughts and they scare the hell out of me. I see ads for anti-depressants but the side affects of increasing suicidal thoughts scares me. I am already fighting those thoughts. Any suggestions you might have to help me with this depression would be greatly greatly appreciated.

 

I would ask doctor to put you on some Paxil or or similar anti-dep. Also, there is nothing wrong with "hope". Be happy you have 3 beautiful kids. If you really love her and don't want to divorce, try to put off the divorce as long as possible. Have some female friend(s) talk to your wife, have your priest or the church contact her. Don't give up. There is nothing wrong with fighting for your marriage and family (as opposed to "NC" and waiting for something to happen). Just be calm and cool, patient. It's a lousy situation, but it's still early. Oh, and don't be thinking suicidal thoughts. We don't want to lose you buddy, and think of your children and how much they love you. You'll be ok, pray to the Lord for help. You need some people to help contact your wife and steer her towards coming back to her family. At this stage she/you will need that outside pressure, because if it only comes from you then she will be likely to back off more.

 

Let mejust add to my last point... the reason why a lot of women who walk away seem to do it so well, is because they are getting "advice" or feedback from a lot of people on their end who push them towards divorce instead of reconciliation. This is my experience, in my own case and from a couple I knew who were getting a divorce. If a husband is genuinely sincere and wants his wife back, you need to ask others to help you in this crisis. Don't be embarrassed to ask people to speak to her. these people are the people who WANT your marriage to heal, and they will be happy to assist, believe me. Also, these are the sorts of people who can give your wife some sh*t on your behalf, without it coming from you. That's what she needs to hear.

Edited November 20, 2009 by Midnight Rider

[nobleguy]

Update.

 

Ending my work day and all I have wanted to do still is curl into a ball buried under my blankets or float in a hot bath. I have continued my excercising and trying to continue to eat right and keeping busy but it all seems to have no effect. So I am going into the doctors on my way home from work and going to get some help. I cant afford it but I cant afford to loose my job either and this is affecting my performance at work in a big way. My boss will only be so understanding for so long. Will keep posting here because I do seem to pull out of it ever so slighty reading your replies. Thank you all for posting and helping me.

 

I think you have made a good decision. I really do. I was exactly like that literally two or two and a half weeks ago and it just couldn't keep going like that. My boss asked if I was OK three days running because I just looked ill. Really terrible. And like you say, they will only put up with that for so long. My performance at work was non-existent.

 

Today I'm actually not that sad at all. It's artificial I know, but it's just such a massive relief to be able to function to the point of being normal. My self-confidence has also picked up and I see a future again, and thoughts of my ex don't have anywhere near the same effect on me. I'm focussing on her bad points so much more and I'm beginning to knock that pedestal that I have her on a little bit. It's not fallen over but it's getting there.

 

Be patient and let them work on your for the first week or more and I swear you will see an improvement soon. I've been able to go out a couple of times and not have it ruined by a random memory out of nowhere.

 

Good luck with it.

[Cranialrupture]

ALl right, update. My excercise routine consists of alot of running and some lifting. The majority of it is aerobic. I had a really bad night last night but am doing a little better today. I got put on a very low dose of lexapro. That in conjunction with what I am already doing should pull me through with flying colors. Atleat thats what the doc said.

 

I did have a minor break down last night. I went running. Ran about a mile (which for me is pretty good) got back and was still really really down. So I kept running and running, passed by a large electrical box and punched it so hard I made a bloody mess of my hand, kept running about another 1/2 mile. Ran a total of about 3 miles. Got back and collapsed on my front yard which is frozen solid(didn't even notice) and just cried for almost 20 minutes. After that I seemed to be quite a bit better. Went to bed early and this morning was pretty hard getting out of bed, but I did and am now focusing on getting through the day.

[Cranialrupture]

At work atm but wanted to say thank you to all of you for your posts. I always look forward to reading them and learning from them. Thank you so much. You all have such great advice.

[soheartbroken]

I look forward to reading your posts too!

[parmaker14]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. You need to get some counseling. I see you live in Northern Utah. The LDS Church has good counselors through their Social Services Department. Most of the time it's free if you don't have the means to pay. If you're LDS, go see your Bishop and get a referral to see someone. If you're not LDS, go see one of your neighbors that is and ask him to introduce you to their Bishop. You don't have to be a member to benefit from their services they offer. It can't hurt. They should be able to help you sort things out and even get you on some meds. Good luck to you. Another thing, stay tuned in here, this is a great resource. People on here have been through exactly what you're going through right now, they can be a lot of help.