GoodDad Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Im new here, but I wanted to tell you to hang in there man. Don't worry about letting your emotions out, the reason you may have felt better after crying is it can be a release. It sounds like you got a little help which is good and don't forget depression is NORMAL under these circumstances. Geebus, who wouldn't be depressed or sad at this time, but it is a phase in the process and you will get better day by day. Hang in there... GD Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cranialrupture Posted November 21, 2009 Author Share Posted November 21, 2009 Ok, a little update for you guys. This is kind of turning into a journal for me. lol If you're LDS, go see your Bishop and get a referral to see someone. Ya planning on doing that. Made it through another day. This depression thing really bites. I have never been depressed so I am getting anxiety with it as well because its scary as hell. I have been put on lexapro and he gave me zanex to calm me down. I was like wtf, I don't need to be calmed down, i need an up. He just laughed at me and said its more to help me get some rest, it will calm my racing mind. he wasn't kidding about that. I took a quarter of one just before bed last night to be safe and it knocked my a$$ out. Not so sure I want to go the med route. I am going to keep taking the lexapro (supossedly its a very low dose) and only use the zanex if I happen to be having a really bad night. I am going to keep fighting it and doing what I have been doing. Ugh this road seems to have no end. If only I could get some glimpse of day light at the end of the tunnel it would help. So anyways. I have another problem. Imagine that. I am learning all this new stuff with how realtionships and emotions work. And I can look back on where things went wrong and why I did what I did and why she did what she did. Its great. For example. I have never told anyone this before so you get to be the first. About 3 1/2 years ago, my wife was pregnant with our son, which would have been our 4th. At 24 weeks her water broke. She was hospitalized. She was there for a week and a half when we found out that she had developed an infection in her. This was one of those infections that gets in the blood and is most likely fatal to her and the baby fairly rapidly. But I still had to make a choice. I didn't have much of a choice really but it still feels like I made the choice. We induced my wife to save her life. In turn we lost our son. He lived for 45 minutes and died in my arms. I was brought up to be 'the strong one'. I was. but the wrong way. I was there for my wife but not myself. I hid from it. (the part I have never told anyone is how bad that choice and him dieing in my arms ripped me apart so bad and then I choose to bury my hurt) I started doing that with other minor problems. I started to hide from them. If I didn't acknowledge them I didn't have to deal with them right. Well it made my wife feel rejected. So she started to distance herself from me which would make me hide even more because I didn't want to deal with the pain. I got worse and worse and she rejected and pushed me away more and more. I can see that now. She can't. Its great and all, that I am staring to see this and am facing my fears and hurts. Its horrible because it cost me my marriage. So in ways its good, but in ways its bad because I can see but my wife refuses to see. And I sit back and watch her do and say things and I can litterally predict what she is going to do next. Or atleast can see the path she is following and its even more heartbreaking to watch her do this to herself and my kids knowing what I know now and am learning. Its horrible. because all I see for her now is more and more pain. Even though she left, I still love her and to watch her go this route makes it even worse. I am trying to take gunny's advice to not beat myself up over it, but I am struggling with that part. Knowing what I have done in the past. In some ways I wish I didn't know, because then it would be easier to hide from it or blame my wife and give me some justification to my hurt. Now I am trying to learn and accept the fact that I have tried to explain this to her so she can learn and see and fix but chooses not to. It is still her choice not mine. I am slowly slowly learning to accept that. I didn't do everything I could during the marriage, but have and am after it. I am taking all your advice, I promise. I just dont communicate well and I usually just end up rambling and making no sense. And Gunny, lay it on me will ya. I need a good thump up side my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cranialrupture Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 Well trying to explain my feelings is hard. I am not a writer or a good communicator. I found a song that does a pretty good job. Warning, its a hard song to listen to when your down. I am doing a little better, been fighting this f***ing depression as hard as I can. It about breaks me and I scream at myself but it seems to be slowly working. Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Oh man, that song kills me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Rider Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 When you are depressed or feeling down, it's very important you listen to music like this.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cranialrupture Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 Yes its a very very hard song to listen to. But I think it explains what alot of us are feeling. Atleast it does for me. But it reassuring also that others are feeling and have felt like this and have come out of it ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cranialrupture Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 When you are depressed or feeling down, it's very important you listen to music like this.... hahaha I haven't heard that song in such a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 So anyways. I have another problem. Imagine that. I am learning all this new stuff with how realtionships and emotions work. And I can look back on where things went wrong and why I did what I did and why she did what she did. Its great. For example. I have never told anyone this before so you get to be the first. About 3 1/2 years ago, my wife was pregnant with our son, which would have been our 4th. At 24 weeks her water broke. She was hospitalized. She was there for a week and a half when we found out that she had developed an infection in her. This was one of those infections that gets in the blood and is most likely fatal to her and the baby fairly rapidly. But I still had to make a choice. I didn't have much of a choice really but it still feels like I made the choice. We induced my wife to save her life. In turn we lost our son. He lived for 45 minutes and died in my arms. I was brought up to be 'the strong one'. I was. but the wrong way. I was there for my wife but not myself. I hid from it. (the part I have never told anyone is how bad that choice and him dieing in my arms ripped me apart so bad and then I choose to bury my hurt) I started doing that with other minor problems. I started to hide from them. If I didn't acknowledge them I didn't have to deal with them right. Well it made my wife feel rejected. So she started to distance herself from me which would make me hide even more because I didn't want to deal with the pain. I got worse and worse and she rejected and pushed me away more and more. I can see that now. She can't. Its great and all, that I am staring to see this and am facing my fears and hurts. Its horrible because it cost me my marriage. So in ways its good, but in ways its bad because I can see but my wife refuses to see. And I sit back and watch her do and say things and I can litterally predict what she is going to do next. Or atleast can see the path she is following and its even more heartbreaking to watch her do this to herself and my kids knowing what I know now and am learning. Its horrible. because all I see for her now is more and more pain. Even though she left, I still love her and to watch her go this route makes it even worse. And Gunny, lay it on me will ya. I need a good thump up side my head. Any and all problems you, the wife have had or currently have be they martial or individual are secondary and a consequence from this event. And is probably the primary source of your current depression. Everything else is secondary as well. The death of a child at any age for any reason is 98+ to a 99% marriage ending event. But in your particular case? Its probably closer to 99.99%. It was wrong for the Dr's to alieve themselves of their professional responsibilities and obligations. I would at least look into the possibility of a malpractice suit. By putting that decision in your hands, they ruined your life, your marriage, The reason its such a marriage ending event, is because most people just are not mentally and emotionally strong enough to even begin to overcome the grief, the guilt, the sheer intolerable pain and hurt. This cuts to the bone on so many different levels. I'm surprised that your MHP (mental health provider) hasn't gone over this you ~ and suspect you've yet to discuss it with them being the reason why? I would encourage that you do so at the earliest possible moment. For most people it takes years of really hard work to over-come this life alternating experience working with a MHP. Yea no kidding your seriously depressed and your marriage is coming apart right before your eyes with the wife acting out in a ill-rational manner. No kidding you've thoughts of suicide. But you did what you had to do at the time you did it. Its time for you to forgive yourself for making one of the top three hardest decisions of your life. If not the number one hardest one ~ and now your confronted with probably the second hardest? Divorcing the love of your life, the mother of your children, your wife. Your a lot stronger that you give yourself credit for my Man! As is your wife? A lot of people wouldn't have made it as far as you did or have. Both of you need IC and you need to find a support group of others that have lost a child. Most parents make on Hell of an emotional investment in their children ~ even before they're born. Especially women ~ but just as much men. Western society doesn't recognize that enough. I'm glad that your seeing a PMH provider ~ if there's anything that will warrant your seeing one ~ its this. I'm sorry for your loss ~ I cannot even begin to even fathom the pain and suffering you've gone through and are going through. As I've told you I'm not a professional mental health provider, but I've got a lot of life experience, read a lot, know a lot about a lot of different things. Now you know the original source of your martial troubles and depression ~ and now you can work on getting better and getting your life back. Now you can get back to living your life. Forgive yourself! Quit beating yourself up over being forced by some azzhat so-called Doctors made you make a choice that should have never been yours to make to begin with. And the SOB's did it because they wanted to avoid a potential law suit! And they knew it ~ which is why they put it all on you. The knew that a 24 week old premie had a 50/50 of even living, and that even he did? He would be plauged with lifelong health problems, (my baby half sister was born at 28 weeks.) In closing? Your being way too hard on both yourself and your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cranialrupture Posted November 23, 2009 Author Share Posted November 23, 2009 Gunny, I have always appreciated my your advice. I have not mentioned it to my phychiatrist. Yet. I know he needs to know. I have only met with him once and it was mostly just general information. I mentioned it here because I had hit such a low it enabled me to open up a little. Which will help me open up more about it slowly. Which is a good thing I think even if it does cause more pain. I can't move forward till I do go through the pain. That afternoon goes through my mind and I can feel myself shutting it out. I don't want to shut it out anymore. I want to be able to remember it in good light, to be able smile at the small amount of time I had with him and his small smile without so much guilt and self blame. Ty again gunny. God bless you. Link to post Share on other sites
JP63 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 How can you keep putting it off?We have a final hearing in Jan..Seems shes had more time away having BS put in her head from divorced friends then trying to solve our problems. Link to post Share on other sites
JP63 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 We have 3 girls. broken marriages run in her family not mine.very short sighted about consequences about everything in life.Very high IQ (Top of Class in Nursing school).Very low EQ (Gets in trouble with finances and budgeting everytime self destructs) Link to post Share on other sites
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