Self centered friend kind of sucks sometimes!

[andreautick]

Ok, here's the deal:

 

My friend, Kathy, is kind of strange. I mean, she's really nice, but rather clingy and...well...a lot of people wonder if she's even straight (me included). She is really "assertive" and often embarassed me by attacking my friends for things. Before I started dating my boyfriend she would attack him for being too self centered over dinner in the cafeteria...which is just wierd. Anyway, neither of us drinks and we do have a lot in common despite her strangeness. We generally have fun together, as long as I have nothing big going on in my life--which you'll see in the next paragraph.

 

I just think it's strange that I can write her a whole email or talk for about 10 minutes about something big that is going on in my life (I don't mean trivial big, I mean like parents divorcing, boyfriend problems, serious work issues), and she'll either completely ignore it or say "Hm." and change the topic back to herself. I had a horrible weekend and I wrote her an email about it (we're really busy so sometimes all we can do is talk in an email) and she didn't even REPLY to it, I mean, she replied, and completely ignored ANYTHING I'd talked about. I know this is a self centered time for most people, and all that, but I always make an effort to ask her how she's doing and ask about her issues that we last talked about. She just ignores mine...or she'll fake interest in a very obvious way (being way too enthusiastic about asking without any follow through when I actually tell her what's up). Kathy has a really calm life relatively free of drama, so she doesn't even have that much upsetting stuff to talk about.

 

Is it normal for a friend to be *that* self centered? I always thought friendships were suppose to be equal. But, it feels strangely lopsided. I listen to her constantly and she barely listens. And, it's not like I'm boring or a rambler. I only talk about things that really matter. We're suppose to live together next year, do any of you think this issue would be a problem?

 

Thanks:) Sorry to make this so long, but I had to rant a little too.

[CostumeSmile]

I think you get together with her personally and talk w/ her, if she is this way in person as well then maybe you should bring it to her attention.

 

I think that this could be easily resolved if your just open w/ her about how you feel about this matter, maybe she has her reasons for this. Sometimes it's hard to get through to people in writing, try talking w/ her personally.

 

I think she may have her own reasons for this lack of attention.

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

You just happen to have a friend who is into herself. She may change some over time but it sounds like she will be somewhat selfish throughout her life. You either have to accept her exactly as she is or move on. That's just the way she is. I've encountered a few people like this in my life and they never changed. They appear as fools to others but haven't got a clue. I have a friend who's into skydiving and no matter what subject you bring up, within fifteen seconds he turns the topic into something that's related to skydiving. For instance, if I tell him that my father just died and I feel really bad, he'll say something like "Gee...sorry to hear that. I remember how I felt when a guy I knew had his parchute fail, he forgot to open his back-up chute and he slammed into the ground and got crushed by the impact.......(and on and on.)

 

Sorry, nothing you can do to change her. Now what else would you like to know about me?

[andreautick]

Lol,

Nice one Tony:). Well, I do try to accept my friends. It just gets...hard. And I just wonder if it would matter when we move in together. Maybe not, maybe it would be good because she'd stay out of my business. Who knows...

 

Costumesmile:

That is a great suggestion...the problem is that I have done that. We do see eachother a few times a week, and she's self-centered even then. Like I said, I'll talk for about 10 minuts pouring my heart out about something tough I'm going through (when I'm actually going through something tough) and she'll just be like "Hm" and turn it back to herself.

 

We had kind of a blowout fight about this last semester, and things were better for awhile. But, they are just the same now. She's less judgemental though, which is nice. She doesn't have a lot of friends so I know I matter to her. But, I just don't think talking again would do much good, as it didn't work before.

[CostumeSmile]

Well then in that case I say weigh out the advantage and disadvantages of having this person in your life and either accept her as she is and work around that or just let her go as a friend.

 

I think Tony is right, if you've already tried talking w/ her & she is aware then it's just in her personality.

 

I have a tight group of 5 friends, we've all known each other about 13yrs and I'll tell you that everyone one of them has her personality flaws but I look beyond that b/c I feel each one has something to offer and what I don't get from one I get from the other but each on has her own little purpose in my life and is there for me in different ways.

 

There are all kinds of friends..the one you love to hang out w/, the one you can talk to, the one w/ the good advice and the one that you can cry to.....between all my friends I get all of that.

 

I'd try to work around it, what other qualities does she have?

[andreautick]

You're right. I do love Kathy. We have a lot in common, and she is always there if I need her...even if she doesn't listen well. I think we're friends because we do have so much in common...we're both about the same intelligence, share the same political views, the same views of alcohol and drugs, same views on family, same views on guys, same views on what is fun to do...we're even the same height and weight, lol. There's just that one major difference between us. It just gets so annoying sometimes, because it is such a big part of friendship.

 

I have other friends that are good "counselors." They have their flaws, too, but I guess Kathy doesn't have those flaws. Thanks for making that point, costumesmile. It gave me a lot to thinkabout:)

[AprilFool]

I try to tell her something, and she makes it about her. Nope, can't change her. I like your positive outlook, though, she won't be in your business My friend would make EVERYTHING I mean every teeny tiny non-dramatic thing in her life out to be soooooo interesting. Anything I said just wasn't interesting enough for discussion. I just decided that she was a friend who you listened to, and didn't talk to. I loved her, though. She lived next door to me, and we hung out practically every day.

 

You can live with this girl, if you just decide to accept her, and ignore the fact that she doesn't know how to talk about anything but herself. Maybe she has ADD, and can't keep her attention on anything for very long

 

Also, when one of my friends tells me something, instead of giving them ADVICE like a know-it-all, I tell them something that I experienced, or that I did. Even though it sometimes may come out like I'm talking about myself, it's my way of inadvertantly giving them advice. This works especially good if a friend is talking about her husband. You CAN'T say, "Oh yeah, your husband is such a jerk..." Even though she is dogging him, you don't EVER say anything bad about another woman's man. However, you are allowed to say, "My husband does the SAME THING!!!! He is such a jerk!"

 

See, I just called her husband a jerk, and she didn't know it

 

Your friend may be secretly trying to help you by talking about herself, instead of out right telling you what to do....

 

Just a thought.

[lostforwords]

Just a suggestion here..... but maybe she doesnt deal very well with problems... doesnt like to face them you did say her life has hardly any drama could it be because she cant deal with issues like this? perhaps what you may consider to be self centered may just be that she doesnt know how to deal with or offer a supportive ear..... sounds crazy however it is possible. I have a friend like this and I too assuemd she was very self centered, to the point where i just didnt talk to her for almost a year.,... then out of the blue i ran into her and she asked why we dont hang anymore etc.... i was blunt..... i told her i felt that she is always into her self.... any problem i have ever had was always ignored and turned around by her and that i just didnt think that friends treated friends that way. She then enlightened me that it wasnt because she was self centered or anything it was because she doesnt know what to say. she doesnt know how to deal with optehr peoples problems let alone her own. which is quite true..... shes been ridiculed as a cold heartless bitch at times from mutual friends.... however as i sat down with her motehr one day, she explained to me why she is the way she is. my ex hubby was almost the same way.... hed bruash issues under the rug and totally withdraw into himself..... he very much would be scared to talk to people especially when it came to a loved one passing as his exact words "wtf do i say? i ALWAYS put my foot in my mouth." hence why he just kept his mouth shut if we had to attend a funeral or a friend was having a crisis...... something to consider..... it could be very well she is self centered but it just may be cuz she cant handle any emotional stress or drama.... hence why her life is drama free.... she chosen it that way.

[Patty]

Some people are this way.I know how you feel,cause Ive been there many times.Its very dissapointing that they dont think of others.

 

Patty