Cocaine/Signs Someone is Relapsing or addicted

[Confused728]

as many of you know i cant figure out if my ex broke up with me becuase he doesnt love me anymore or because he is using cocaine. he been haning around with alot of drug users. i caught him doing it before about 2 years ago, i know he did e. back in aug we had a mutual break up, i changed my mind and wanted to work things out, he said he didnt want to because we would never be able to get over the drug issue and i would never trust him... anytime i told him he had a drug problem he would flip out and say i was taking away his dignity and that if i dont trust him we shouldnt be together, so i could never really talk about the drug...he told me his freinds know he doesnt do that stuff but one of his freinds asked him to do e in front of me, and my bf said no i dont do that stuff, and his freind replied "since when"... once i started telling him he had a problem he always had a diffent thing wrong with me, that i was tempermental, i twsited his words, that i was laid off my job, that i was untrusting, that i was overly emotional.. always somting, then he told me he didnt love me anymore then told me he did love me but wasnt sure he was "in love with me"... im just so confused any insight would be help ful

[carhill]

Do you have someone in real life you can get support from?

 

I think you know the truth here, but are afraid. Identify exactly what your fear is and work on that fear. Everything else will fall into place.

 

He has his own demons to face and his own life to life. You can't help him or 'fix' it. He has to do that himself.

 

If there is a support group for loved ones of drug users in your area, join it. Take positive steps for yourself.

 

Clearly, if he has a history of cocaine abuse and is currently 'hanging around' with drug users, he's using. Take that for granted.

[Confused728]

its just so confusing becuase after i tried telling him we were breaking up over the drugs he said it was not because of that and he wasnt sure if he loved me anymore and stuff like that but became very defensive when i told him he had a problem... he doesnt seem like an addict he has two jobs very good ones, very good family guy out going and stuff hes not like he is some junkie that sits in the house all day and is in a daze.. then i start wondering if its really me and he doesnt love me.. but they he wants to stay freinds and talk and say he might want to get back together sometime but isnt rushing into anything.. i never liked some of his freinds cause they would come over the house and all do drugs in the bathroom i told my bf i didnt like this but he never did anthying to stop it... then he said i was trying to control him and not let him see his freinds..one of these freinds is a pure drug addict like thats all he lives for doesnt have a good job or anthing like that but always lookin to do drugs

[carhill]

People who use coke can be very high functioning. It can make them very focused with high energy until they come down, hence the need for more coke. If the person has an addictive personality, it can be a death spiral. In it, they don't see any of what you see. It's an altered state of consciousness.

 

Once you get support and are with people who can identify with what you're going through, a lot of what is confusing will begin to make sense.

[Confused728]

but what if i am just exaggerating and he really means what he says about me thats my problem i go back and fouth thinking its me or the drugs its one of the two.. i just hope im not accusing i havent seen him do it in over a year but i only really was with him on weekends... but when we broke up he was seeing those guys alot more and wanted to go away with them and his freinds were doing drugs when we went... his freinds didnt like me and though i was controlin cause i was tough on stuff like that im sure they bad mouthed me to him to

[carhill]

My bet is you know him pretty well, probably better than you want to. You know his behaviors, his little quirks, his signs. Watch those. They never lie. His lips can lie.

 

Again, someone who has been through this can share with you and support you in ways which will be meaningful to you. It's something that just isn't possible over the internet, IMO. You need real life support.

[Confused728]

also from what i know and i observed he never cut out his family or anything, but i was the only one that seemed to confront him on the drugs, it so i wonder if me questioning it made him push me away..

[Confused728]

come to think of it he really didnt cut me out to much just didnt invite me out or anthing i had to initiate everthing but he still wanted me around and he didnt like it when i told him we were gonna have NC he said he ddint want that... i jsut dont understand this..

[Malenfant]

if its the actual drug use and his actions regarding the drug use you need advice about, use this site:

 

http://www.talktofrank.com/

 

 

Coke is a very, very serious drug, made even more so by the users ability to carry on functioning when taking it (as long as they arent taking tons of it, if he was, you would know about it)

I have used in the past and am now 100% clean.

although i used most recreational drugs, i can honestly say that coke was (for me) the most dangerous.

[freestyle]

The cold, hard truth is, you don't really know who someone is when

they're using.

 

His hyper-defensiveness to you calling him out tells me the problem is worse than you may realize.

 

part of the whole drug culture is about lying, hiding things, while trying to maintain a facade of normalcy.Until he cleans up entirely, I don't feel you can put much stock in anything he says.........................especially if he's in denial himself. He may not wish to hurt you, but as long as he's lying to himself, he's going to lie to everyone around him.

 

My experience with people that are immersed in drug usage, is that they

cut everyone out of their lives that doesn't enable or endorse their drug

usage. It's sad.........................

 

When it gets bad enough, all you can do is care from a distance. They

have to climb out of their own holes, for themselves.Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they wake up............

[Confused728]

well i been on NC for seven weeks, he sent me an email today saying that "He respects and understands my decision(prob about nc) and that i might think that its been easy for him but its not and that he has a lot of regret for letting what happened happen" i havent answered and dont know what to do... whats ur advice.. malen how would i know if he was taking tons of it?

[User320]

ok, i dont want to make myself look bad , but it is important..

 

I was addicted for cocaine for a long period of my life. And the one thing that i definitely remember is that i though i could not trust anyone, i was paranoid, too focused on my own high..Cocaine addiction is terrible it wrecked me, eventually i became a lone addict had no friends , no life, just coke.. it sucked... Most addicts i knew always became very distant from the ones they loved, they would make up complex stories and elaborate on the truth ( when they did tell the truth) which made it sound like a lie anyway. the Human will is the only Cure, Clean for 4 years... still want to use.. but dont think its hopeless if you want him to come out and recover, you have to tell him how it affects you..he will deny using , call you stupid..ect. but if you care you will push, but very lightly im mean VERY LIGHTLY ... forcing someone to out themselves can lead to worse things... but this is only from my experience.. its different with every person... but what ever you do dont blame yourself if things get out of hand.. dont

[Confused728]

user do you think that if he is haning with a lot of guys that do drugs he is using them also, we been broken up for three months almost 7 weeks of NO Contact for me.. he send an email other day saying he regrets lettign what happened happen and it hasnt been easy for him.. do people who drugs do this, take off for a while do drugs then wanna come back?

[carhill]

Decide what your boundary for a relationship is. If he needs to be clean, and for a period of time, before you'll consider any intimacy/relationship with him, communicate that to him. You decide the parameters. I'd say a year would be a good start. The key here is to not have sex with him. Break the oxytocin bond.

[User320]

confused,

 

First: If he is hanging out with people who use drugs, and he is a known addict then im sorry to say that, yes he is most likely using still. peer pressure is a big factor for an addict, especially if they relapse like its no big deal.

second: When he e-mails you and says he feels bad, it usually means that is is just feeling bad for himself, he could possibly only be just coming down off a high...coming down off of a narcotic makes you feel like dieing, you get depressed and lonely and realize all your faults, but all those feelings will be erased the next time he uses.... If he really cares, he would try to help himself, and lose the friends and get new ones.. He would have to avoid all the things he used to do when he got high, like drinking, parties, ect.

 

dont fall victim to his games, if he really wants you, he needs to save himself first.

[Confused728]

user i dont know if he is a known adict or just did it casually... thats what im trying to figure out..though he does hang out with alot of people that do that stuff.. i dont think he could give up parties and drinking..what kind of games u think he is playing or will play.. i dont want to get caught up in a cycle, u think this would happen often? i just dont know how deep is using habbit is thats the hard part i wish i could figure it out then everthing else would fall into place... mabey he isnt using and its just me thinkin that..mabey he is being honest when he says he doesnt use anymore, i just dont know what to do

[User320]

well i suppose you could just see how it all pans out overtime, but if he is indeed using, this is only the start of a long head game.. But i really do hope for your sake and his, that he inst using and that he really has genuine remorse for what has happened between you both.

The biggest sign that he is using is if in his next e-mail he brings up financial woes...and asks for money.. but still it could be a genuine request. Its really hard to tell whats going on when you're not sure about his whereabouts.

 

If you find yourself needing insight at a later time my e-mail is [email protected] ( its linked my messenger account also )

Feel free to contact me if you learn any other info, helping others is very therapeutic for my own recovery.

[ADF]

If your BF is hanging around drug users, the chances he's not using drugs is nearly zero. Druggies have no use for non-druggies.

[Malenfant]

well i been on NC for seven weeks, he sent me an email today saying that "He respects and understands my decision(prob about nc) and that i might think that its been easy for him but its not and that he has a lot of regret for letting what happened happen" i havent answered and dont know what to do... whats ur advice.. malen how would i know if he was taking tons of it?

 

well, you would have to be able to see him, and talk to him, not via the net but properly.

 

These symptoms would be apparent the day after taking a lot

 

pale skin

Clammy, sweaty skin

Watery eyes

dramatic change in mood, usually very edgy

tiredness

sniffs a lot, like has a runny nose

area around nostrils is redder than normal

 

These symptoms would be apparent if he was actually high when you saw him

 

wide eyes, large pupils

high amount of excitement over rather normal things

talking quickly and forgetting what he's saying half way through sentance.

becoming transfixed on one thing, eg. a puzzle, or cleaning etc.

sniffs a lot, like has a runny nose

area around nostrils is redder than normal

 

as coke only last about half an hour, expect a mood shift between talkative and excitable to edgy, until another hit is taken.

 

generally, if a lot of coke is taken (i mean, most days) the memory will be affected quite a lot, as normal sleeping patterns are messed up, ie, sleeping through the day, or just getting hardly any sleep.

 

i know all this because i have used, and because i know people who do.

It is easier for me to tell, obviously because I have been there but once you spot these symptoms together, it will be obvious.

 

if he's only doing it at weekends, the signs are less obvious, but generally his mood would be at its lowest on Tuesday or Wednesday, as after taking any 'high' ceratonin levels in the brain continue to deplete, until they are at their lowest around 4 days later.

 

If it is only at weekends, although I still say coke is very bad, lots of people do do it only for recreational purposes, and providing they do not feel the need to take it everyday, many people continue to have normal, productive lives, and having a good time only on the weekend. I'm not condoning this, i'm just saying thats how it is.

 

I cant really judge when or how often he is taking it based on your description.

 

as far as behaviour goes (not visable signs) these would be my hints that drugs are being used alot:

secrecy

vagueness

unreliability

never having much money

generally 'not being themselves' (i know that sounds vague, but you know what I mean)

being distracted alot

no concentration

lack of affection

lack of appetite

fatigue in the middle of the day

needing high caffene based drinks to get through middle part of day

 

only when used in conjuction would i say these are signs.

Just cos someone likes a coffee, doesnt mean they are a user!

Edited November 21, 2009 by Malenfant

[Confused728]

he did have to have two large coffees a day im morning and in afternoon couldnt seem to go with out it, he did have lack of affection last few months before we broke up and somtimes was irritable and i noticed he was eating alot less and said that to him but didnt think much of it cause he was working out alot so i thought he was cutting back..i just dont know what to do about the email he sent i havent answered, does it mean he wants to get back together with me that he said it wasnt easy for him and that he had regrets about letting what happened happen. i dont know how to inturprate this..

[Confused728]

well we are talking again he said he missed me alot, and lost sleep becuase he thought he lost me and we went out for dinner and stuff so will see what happens, what should i be lookin for?

[Confused728]

so what are the signs that he is comming off coke how would he act, we are kind of back together and he seems kind of not like himself so wondering how he would behave what should i look for?

[Peaceful Guy]

... im just so confused any insight would be help ful

 

one thing ive learned about drugs is that they show a part of you.. that's already there.. drugs or no drugs.. now that doesn't mean that drugs aren't playing their part in a destructive pattern.. but it does mean that just because someone quits doing them doesn't mean all there problems will go away. you can scapegoat the drugs, but that's him.. like it or not. for instance: if someones all angry, so they go drinking to dull their emotions, and get in a fight at the bar, it wasn't really the alcohol that made them get into a fight. it played a part, but you can't say, if they could just quit drinking they wouldn't be angry anymore.. it doesn't work like that. if you're having trust issues, and your turning to people on the internet, like myself, to try and figure out what this guys up to.. i can tell you for sure.. walk away. also, its not really okay to say what he should or shouldn't be doing. i know most people would say coke and e are terrible things, and you have every right to expect him not to do them.. but that's wrong. its his body, his mind, his choice.. like it or not! he can't tell you not to wear makeup, not to drink diet coke, not to read romance novels.. same deal. to do so would be controlling. its not about right and wrong here, its about personal freedom and respect.. which you have to have to be in a solid relationship. now, its perfectly okay for you to decide that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who makes those decisions.. but then you need to find someone else, because if he "quits for you".. its gonna cause resentment and trust issues down the road. find someone else.. find someone that takes joy in the same activities you do. peace.

[bluewolf17]

Sometimes it's hard to tell if someone is using, especially if you don't want them to be. It's much easier to tell yourself that "oh, it's just this, or that..etc".

 

I knew someone who was using, and I had no idea at first.

 

Always late

Hung out with weird crowds

You couldn't count on him

He would sneak off for long periods of time

Very accusing

His emotions bounced

And most telling, he could stay up WAYY later than me, all the time. In fact it seemed like he wouldn't sleep at all, and if he did it was for a long time.

 

 

Malefant gave some great descriptions that are spot on.

 

Good luck to you.

[Confused728]

im really mad right now and feel like telling him not to contact me again, he out with one of them didnt tell me he was going or anything they are at that guys place... i just wish i never answered his text.. i dont think i could ever trust him i just feel he is doing stuff.. i just wish i knew..