He lied to me for some reason. It sure does hurt....

[VivianLee]

Well....dang...I feel hurt and bit perplexed...

 

My husband has been gone out of the state for 2 weeks (came home yesterday) to visit his Mama who seems to be dying of cancer (I say seems because we're not sure if it's the cancer or radiation that is causing her to take such a downhill spiral)....his Mama came home for a few days while he was there.

My husband and I aren't having a great marriage but we are good friends and room mates.

 

Despite what's happened or happening in our marriage, this did kind of throw me.

 

His Mama paid all the bills while she was well. She also hid how much she spent from his Daddy. They are very well off and so she buys tons of stuff for herself and for her family. His father was so poor as a child that he holds onto his money with both fists!!

 

Due to some very unexpected expenses (I had a car wreck ) we were running low on money. Alot of bad things resulted from that and it was getting bleak and scary. I did without and scrambled to keep our heads above the water with whatever I could do.

 

Back to his Mom. His Mama as sick as she was, told my hubby to make sure that he got her bank statements (for November) and hid them from his Daddy. She said to put it under the mattress at home. I asked my hubby if he looked at the statements (hey I'm nosey) and he said he didn't but put it under the mattress like she said to do.

 

Well....he lied!! I was cleaning out his truck and his carry on case was still in there (from when he flew), lo and behold sticking out of it was the very bank statement he described. Yes, I am nosey, I carried it into the house and looked that puppy over from front to back ...lo and another behold was a check photocopy that had been made to him for a significant amount of money during that very, very bleak financial time.

 

She apparently sent it to his office address (like she does many things), I never heard about that money nor saw where it went and spent last month worried sick and doing without.

 

I'm hurt, mad and confused. I am going to bring it up but I am going to have to be delicate with it because my husband is so upset about his Mama. He had to leave her to get back to work for some audits and such due for the end of the year plus he's out of vacation and personals days. She begged him to stay, he has cried on and off since he's been back (I mean for all he knows she might not live for him to come back, that has to be agonizing), I want to make sure he is comforted and happy BUT I need to know why he lied....he didn't even have to tell me about that bank statement at all...I'd been none the wiser but why did he bring it up, make up that elaborate lie? I know he wouldn't want me to see that check since he didn't seem to share that money with my daughter and I.....

 

I'm going to calmly ask him what's up! I am not going to fuss at him or anything. But I need to know why he lied. Don't I deserve that much???

[FreeMe]

Unfortunately, I don't have any useful advice to offer. That's a difficult situation but I do believe you have a reason to be upset and that you have the right to know why he didn't tell you about and/or share the money.

[Pamela]

I agree with FreeMe. My husband has lied to me about finances and refused to tell me the truth so, I opened my own bank account and he has no clue. I have no problem confronting my husband about anything. Try to be there for you hubby and his mom and then go from there. Later on, if he doesn't mention anything about the money, you should probably tell him that you know about it and go from there. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

[VivianLee]

Yeah, if I don't say something, I'll have that between us but I may have to really hold back my feelings when confronting him since he is going through such a bad time. It's not an excuse for his lying (and it's not so much about his lying, God knows I haven't been perfectly lately in that catagory) but since it effected our daughter and plus he made such a big deal to even bring it up so he could lie, I need to figure out what the deal is. But I won't fuss at him about it, I'll just calmly ask....

[Pamela]

Keep your head up girl! I don't want to be a poor example by telling you to rebel against your husband. I've been married for 16 years and his family means so much to him that he doesn't share his thoughts with me like a husband should. I am not very close to his family because they try to come between our relationship. Maybe you should try to get really close to his mom and maybe she will tell you. Keep an eye on his spending too.

[VivianLee]

I have honestly never been jealous of their relationship nor have I tried to stand in the way but other than sex, if he and I had the relationship he and his Mom had, we'd have the happiest of marriages...

 

She has always been good to me, treated me as if I were her daughter. I think she's been a bit jealous of me since I took her favorite son and baby from her. When my husband had an affair and left me, she got mad at me (well he gave her a bunch of asinine reasons for the reason he had the affair, I was mean to him, I withheld sex...blah blah, the usual stuff) so she quit talking to me for a while. But other than that she's been as sweet and good to me because remember, I am married to the one she loves most of all!

 

Both of my husbands parent's are alcoholics. My hubby and his brother would have normal "Beaver Cleaver" homes then they'd have awful neglected lives (they were never physically abused, starved and always clothed but neglect can come in other forms) the brother rebelled and hates both of them, my hubby tried to be perfect and loved them even more.

 

Lying, sneaking and dysfunction all around is a part of an alcoholics life, my hubby's co-dependent and an enabler, so he has always lied and sneaked as it's been his way of life. He became a minister and he really meant the things he preached, he tried to be as good as possible but then he had the affair and was devastated at himself.

 

He was getting therapy and doing so well, our marriage was improving then he stopped his medicine, stopped trying to work things with me (I haven't suspected him of having an another affair, I don't think that's the case) then after my little brother died unexpectedly, I find myself turning to someone else instead of my hubby...

 

Back to the whole mother/son thingy...he may still reverting back to the old ways of lying and sneaking when it comes to his Mama...

 

Even though I'm not being perfect in our relationship, I just don't know why he went through all that trouble to tell me that so he could lie and I don't know why he hid the money....

[AprilFool]

It sounds like he set you up to find out about his lie, so it would hurt you. I'm not saying that's what he did, but I understand how you think it looks that way.

 

I can't understand at all why your husband would withold money from his family. Maybe he had run up some bills that you're not aware of that his mom paid off for him, and he doesn't want you to know about it for one reason or another.

 

Maybe he's saving the money in case things get worse.

 

Maybe he's keeping the money, in case he loses his job if he has to leave work to visit his sick mom.

 

You sound like me, jumping the the worst conclusion, and it sounds like there is no good answer to this. He sounds like a selfish jerk to me, but there are two sides to every story.

 

I keep money from my husband so I don't have to hear him nag me about every cent I spend. (Little moneys....like $15 gas reimbursement from work) I can take that money and buy lipstick or hair spray, and since it's not coming out of the checking account, he doesn't know about it.

 

Is there something your husband wants? Do you think he would accuse you of nagging him?

 

I don't have any answers for you. Your best bet is to just let him know what you know, and see what he says. Be sure to let him know that his deception hurt you.

 

Good luck, Viv, and keep us posted on what happens....I'm sorry that you're going through these painful feelings.....it will get better

[VivianLee]

That's true there could be many sides to the story!! I am not really mad right now, so I should be able to approach him calmly. I'm more confused than anything.....

 

His personality is not one that has him act mean on purpose, he could just be being totally irrational in his thinking since he's gotten home....however, the money was given to him before she got so sick...

 

See I am being a bit overly sensitive till I found out the story, you saw that right away! hehehe!!

 

I'll let you know when I confront him and how it goes! Pray and keep your fingers crossed that it's not a big deal!!

 

Thanks!!

[VivianLee]

After our daughter left for the weekend, I waited a bit and brought up what he told me (very calmly and not in an accusatory way) then what I found. He laughed and said that he and my daughter found that statement in his carryon and got it out and opened it (dang we are so nosey!! It's so embarrassing to admit...hide your statements from my family!!) anyway, he forgot that he was worried that putting the statement in his parent's room might be riskier than putting that statement under the mattress in their guest room (dysfunction just spewing out every where!) so he put the statement in his carryon with intentions of putting it in the guest room and forgot. Which I guess if he's going to help his Mama to be sneaky it was probably better to bring it all the way here...(good Heavens! lol) Anyway, as far as the check to him from his Mom, she sent it when he was headed out on a business trip in CA so he'd have money while he was away and so he could give us a bit of money (the reason we were so broke, I had wreck and to keep our insurance from rising since our daughter has just gotten her license, we paid cash for the damages and it was alot and something we weren't prepared to come up with out of the blue, we choose not to have credit cards, I'm rethinking that now!!) anyway, the money came in right as he was leaving so he gave some to me and kept the rest...I believe him and I don't see any reason why he'd lie about this....it's all good to me now!!

 

 

I had to carry him back to the airport, his Daddy called and said his Mama wasn't suppose to make it through the night. So he went back to her this morning, so far she was still making it but was in critical condition. I feel so sorry for everyone!! It's bad enough but it just seems worse when it's the holidays....his Mama's last thoughts was of our daughter, she ordered her a present before she went back to the hospital, we got it via shipment yesterday, it's was such a precious and heart breaking feeling at the same time!!

 

Thanks for the support and advice concerning this! I really appreciate it!!!

[AprilFool]

Another happy ending! I'm sooooooo glad that he wasn't a selfish jerk lol. I hope his mom comes out of this ok