Grandma died, drama is already starting...

[redfathom]

My grandma passed away this weekend. She went in her sleep which I am so grateful for. On Thursday she said she did know why He was keeping her here so she was defiantly ready to go. I had the best summers visiting my grandma and really wasn’t thinking of going for the services because I know there will be family drama and I don’t want my memories of visiting my grandma tainted with sour ones…

 

So the drama is starting…and everyday it's getting worse!

 

My mom called me Saturday night to let me know and said that WE would ALL be driving up Friday for the services which are supposed to be this coming Saturday. Then we would be there Sunday for the reading of the Will and be able to go through the house and pick things we would like to keep. I only want one thing, a statue of some mice we bought my grandma on a visit years ago. Everyone else can fight for the other things, which they are already starting to do. No one is allowed to stay in the house so we will be staying in hotel rooms.

 

My mom started to dictate what we would do, that my husband and I would ride with my sister, her husband and two kids and that we would also share a hotel with them. I told them my mom I wantd to drive in my own car with my husband. I want this so I can avoid the drama, the nagging, the back stabbing.

 

When I told my mom that we wanted to drive ourselves and she got mad and told me that my sister and her husband couldn’t go then (guilt trip # 1). I said I didn’t understand why and she said that they can’t afford it and me and my hubby need to ride with them and pay for the gas and also the hotel room. So I got a little angry and told my mom she should have just said that instead of making it seem like it was an option. Instead she decided to TELL me what we were doing and then guilt me.

 

So when I talked to my sister I said I wanted to get our own hotel room (keep in mind we’re paying) she just said that they wouldn’t go if they would be putting us out. I tried to explain that they’re not putting us out but that I don’t want to share a room with the four of them, especially since they have two young kids. Still guilt trips. She tried to also say that she didn’t want her one son to miss school, which was a nice way of trying to get out of it. I told her it wasn’t fair for her not to get to go just because of money and I didn’t mind paying. She also told me my mom is INSISTING that she go.

 

All the while my mom was in the background with my sister’s husband getting upset about things they speculate MIGHT happen…which I told my mom not to do.

 

The gas will cost $380+ round trip. My sister now said she would pay for the hotel room which is $47 a night, at a Super 8, total around $150. I still want to get my own room, but then they just respond by saying they just won’t go. I figure if I am paying for my own room why are they getting upset…?

 

If they would just chill and let us get our own room with out feeling guilty I would have no complaints about anything else. I feel like I am losing sight of what's important.

 

This was all Saturday. Today they found out the executor of the Will a woman who lives where my grandma does has since taken both her cars and 4-wheelers and such. The obituary also came out and my mom was upset about how long it was ?(about a whole page in the newspaper) there was also some stuff said that my mom said is wrong and she is upset because the woman who submitted it didn't check my mom mom or uncle first to verify anything. She has also picked out the flowers on the casket and such. My mom did spend three months this summer taking care of my grandma, so I do think she should be affored some more input.

 

The obituary also said my grandma was very close with my sister who "called her every day." Which is not true, my sister did call her every Sunday, but usually it was to beg for money. My grandma even said she felt that my sister only talked about herself and didn't ever ask my grandma how she was. My Sister would also talk crap about us to my grandma so when we did call she would nag us about something my sister said that wasn't even true. That doesn't really make you want to call a lot when you're defending yourself for things that you didn't do while your other sister is glorified, when she is a big crook.

 

I have two sisters who don't talk to each other and my mom doesn't talk to one of my sisters either, so this trip will be a lot of fun....

 

I guess in the Will it also says that said sister that no one talks to get's all of the posessions my grandma left, pictures, statues, kitchen stuff, etc. My mom and other sister are not happy about this. The only thing I want from my grandma's house is a statue I gave to her a few years ago during a visit...everything else they can fight over.

 

I am trying to keep perspective here because what's important is laying my grandma to rest.

[Boundary Problem]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma. Hopefully you have good memories of her.

 

Deaths are like weddings. Problem people use it as a platform for their own issues. It is all about them. Nothing to do with Grandma and her wishes.

 

In fact, the predators tend to move in during the last year of someone's life. Requests for cash from an ill older adult are textbook. If it is a huge amount of money, talk to a lawyer, if not let it go.

 

We have no idea what the facts are. Sounds like there are two, three, five sides to this story. Be assured that you don't have all the facts either.

 

It is standard to take possession of vehicle upon death by the executor to ensure the keys are secured, they remain insured - so no one goes for joyrides at the Estate's expense.

 

A page long obituary sounds like a nice tribute. Glad Grandma is getting some benefit from what looks to be a conflicted estate.

 

If mom wants to provide input that is fine. Executor is doing their job though.

 

You are likely going to get more flies with honey on this one. Control your mom, try and get along with the rest of the family.

 

Once it turns into a conflicted estate, communication will be shut down and unfortunately beneficiaries sometimes have to wait a long long time in the dark for not very much.

[redfathom]

Thank you BP.

 

I think what's hard for my mom and other sister is that they could have had a great relationship with my grandma if it wasn't for my oldest sister spreading lies about us (mostly them) to my grandma. It's worse that my oldest sister took advantage of my grandma too. And now she is getting most of my grandmothers posessions. That wouldn't be a big concern except that she is irresposible, and very self-serving. To the point where she would take gifts her kids got for b-day's and x-mas and return or sell them for the money.

 

One year we bought my 4 year old niece a very cut lamb "rocking horse", it was $40 and my sister sold it for the money behind our backs.

 

Grandma would also send money to her for the kids for x-mas and she would spend it on other things but then tell my grandma about all the toys and clothes she bought them with the money she sent.

 

If she can't be fair and generous with her kids how can we expect her to be fair and generous with the posessions my grandma left behind, especially when she doesn't talk to my mom or sister. I also worry about her taking things and selling them instead of letting us have things to keep in the family.

 

It breaks my heart. I can see her now turning to my dad, who she rarely talks to and has been cruel to for years because she will need money and need someone to help her. She has already hinted to him that her car broke and she needs money to fix it.

 

I am trying not to jump to conclusions, but I am stressing about what this will do to my mom and sisters and me.

[carhill]

Wow, 380.00 in gas

 

My sympathies for your loss. Being an only child and successor trustee, I can only imagine what you're going through. I'd be popping Xanax like candies. Hope it works out.

 

My only advice is to attempt to focus on the value of grandma's life and block out all the extraneous drama. It will all end soon enough. Best wishes

[Ronni_W]

I'm sorry for your loss, Red.

My sympathies to you, and all your grandma's friends and loved ones.

[redfathom]

I agree 100%. I told my dad this weekend, to expect my sister to start asking for money and that it's his money to do with what he wants. I only warned him that if she wants something to buy it instead of giving her the money. He said he already loaned her $600 in the past and never got it back and that he wouldn't loan her any more money. He did offer to let her work on her car in his garage...

 

I refuse to let her further hurt out father by taking his money, she already refuses to have a loving relationship with him. She did call my grandma every week, albiet for selfish reasons. My grandma doesn't know that and so we can't be angry with her.

[redfathom]

Carhill, thanks so much! I really don't want to deal which is why I really wanted to fly up and do my own thing with my husband. I have never dealt with this before as my other grandparents just left things to the kids (my dad and his siblings) and they worked things out, but thay are different from my mom's side.

 

Ronni, my grandma had lots of great friends and I will be sure to share with them my condolences as they lost a great person in thier life just as much as I did. I think she had better friends then family.

[quankanne]

my sympathies on losing your granny *hugs*

 

now to be nit-picky: Not sure how things work where granny lives, but my dad died about a year ago, and the State of Texas STILL hasn't cleared his estate. I know part of it had to do with my brother and sister (executor and his agent of residence) were waiting on some kind of financial paperwork so they could file Dad's final income taxes, but from everyone I've spoken to, nothing but NOTHING can happen – nor is the will read – until the estate is settled. And even then, what's spelled out in the will takes precedent. AND on top of that, no one knows what the will states, unless your grandma showed people. My guess is that if y'all are scattered like my family is, no one really saw what she bequested.

 

in a long-winded way, what I'm trying to say is that all bets are off until The State of (where you reside) says "okay, guys, it's your baby now," and that it sounds like a lot of self-induced drama inflicted by your mom. I know that she's hurting, but it seems to me she's also unneccessarily causing more pain.

 

that said, talk to your sister and see what her plans are: If she's got kids' school schedules to deal with, I can imagine she prolly putting those first and foremost, esp. this close to the holidays. And most likely isn't going to want to make the trip, as you've pointed out. If she doesn't plan on going, talk to your husband about flying out (or whatever works best for you); if she's interested in going and wants to ride with you, work something out between the two of your families. Do NOT let your mom dictate your plans either which way, because that's a recipe for trouble ...

 

in the meantime, do what is best for YOU and YOUR HUSBAND first and foremost. Even if your mother pitches a hissy, you don't have to play her games.

 

more hugs to you,

q

[redfathom]

Early this year we heard my mom's real mother dies (grandma who died on sat. is her step mom, but her mom and our grandma for all purpose). Anyways, when real grandma died she left some money to family, mom and half uncle said they didn't have the money to have services for her, so they had her cremated. I was shocked because she left them each (what they said) $2k, so that should have covered a small service. Anyways, after lawyer fee's they got about $200 each and decieded they would go to a nice dinner instead.

 

So you can see money plays a huge role in this, and I don't like that...!! In this case my mom wasn't close to her real mom, who was terrible and left when they were young.

 

I have decided to ride with my sister, already committed. But I got a hotel room seperate for me and my husband today and told her. She was upset at first asking why, but I told her it's what I wanted and it's my choice. She seems cool with it.

 

Thank you all for listening to me vent, I have no one else to talk to.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for your loss..

I am trying to keep perspective here because what's important is laying my grandma to rest.

 

Yes, let the drama happen around you. Your mom is being controlling, and is waiting for all sorts of reaction. Do your best NOT to react and just don't say a word. It's only afew days, so breathe slowly and focus on yourself, your husband..

 

Death can bring out the worst in people, and it sounds like there's dysfunction all over the place in your family. Be the bigger one and rise above it. Keep things as simple as possible and again, try to not react.

[redfathom]

WWIU, I am trying my hardest not to say anything. I am also feeling resentful because I feel that they are taking advantage of me (a little). I think my mom should pay for some of the gas for my sister and her family to go, since she insisted that she go...

 

I want to do what is best for my hubby and looked at flight options back if they become necessary.

[oasis]

Sorry for your loss Red, my heart goes out to you.

 

These things are usually very dramatic, so please stay strong!

[redfathom]

Sorry for your loss Red, my heart goes out to you.

 

These things are usually very dramatic, so please stay strong!

So I just got back from class. My husband got stuck at work and didn't get off until three hours after he normally does so I came home finished my packing, packed for him, and worked on homework due today. My sister is picking us up at 9:00 PM it's now 7:50 PM. My husband called me 10 minutes ago to let me know his car broke down, looks like the cluch went out!

 

Oh man! I am not sure how much that will cost, but it won't be cheap. So on top of paying for gas for the trip, coming from savings, we now have to fix hubby's car. It wouldn't be so bad but we just redid the living room and got new carpet and couches, so our savings took a dump. I was really trying to save as much as we can, plus with x-mas it will be even harder.

 

Off to finish packing, then get some dinner before it's time to go.

 

Wish us luck that nothing else happens, lol!

[carhill]

Oh, sorry to hear that! It always seems like stuff breaks right before a trip. No worries, if hubby can get a little greasy, that clutch shouldn't set you back more than a hundred or two, except if it's one of those expensive foreign cars that eats you at the parts window. It might be something as simple as the clutch linkage or master/slave cylinder. Not a worry.

 

I'll send positive thoughts to the travel gods for no further hindrances