What's the point?

[allina]

I have never been one of those women who dream and obsess over weddings since childhood. I have absolutely enjoyed other people's weddings and I believe in life long, loving commitment, but I'm dreading my own wedding.

 

I'm thrilled that my amazing fiance loves me enough and has enough faith in me to want to marry me. I do want to be his wife, his life long partner, but I don't want the wedding.

 

When we first got engaged we looked at some wineries for the wedding, it was fun for a while. Then I was hit with the cost, commercialism, drama and materialism in the whole thing. I was put off my these event coordinators and wedding planners trying to tell me what I needed, what I must have to "make my day special." I feel the same way about bridal magazines. I got a couple magazines to get ideas, and to get in that wedding vibe, but they just turned me off. The focus was so on what gifts to register for, what you need to buy for the wedding party, what favors you need, what matching, designed dresses your huge wedding party must have. I started to feel like this was just a huge business that takes advantage of women and makes fools out of them.

 

To make things worse I got in a fight with my future MIL about the wedding while we were all on vacation in July. I used to rally like her and enjoy spending tie with her. She told me she loved me like a daughter and she was excited about the wedding. Now I don't like her, respect her or care to be around her anymore.

 

She flipped out on me when I was trying to talk to her about the wedding, when all I was doing was trying to include her. When she visited my fiance and I last month we hung out with my parents and she told them that they (meaning fiance's parents and my parents) need to talk about the wedding when we all get together for Thanksgiving. My dad told her "I think the kid's wedding is up to the kids."

 

I know that she is going to start about the wedding and possibly flip out on me about the wedding while she is here for Thanksgiving. I am DREADING having them over for Thanksgiving. I resent her because she ruined any joy I could have had planning my wedding and now she is going to ruin my Thanksgiving break.

 

I wish that my fiance and I could just elope somewhere, or go to city hall after brunch one afternoon, but he wants a real wedding, he at least wants his parents and brother there.

 

I think a nice small wedding with friends and family would be nice but his mom is going to ruin it, and she is going to cause a huge amount of drama with the planning. I feel like my parents are going to have to spend this money on a wedding I don't want while dealing with his psycho, selfish mother. Just thinking about my parents being put in that situation makes me extremely angry.

 

On top of all that I generally have an issue with the institution of marriage. Marriage in the US is clearly not about love, it's an institution with a long and ongoing history of discrimination. I am just not seeing the romance in any of this

 

What is the point? What will this do for us?

 

Rant over

[laRubiaBonita]

exactly!

 

when you get engaged people immediatly start talking about the wedding- or the reception specifically. they do not ask about your plans for married life, that's no fun- people want to party!

 

my mother was super excited when i got engaged and WE (she and i)had a wedding to plan.... not me.

 

my mother got soo mad when i wasn't planning the wedding that she came to my work and basically told me i must be having second thoughts about getting married if i wasn't interested in the wedding planning- what the heck!

 

truth was, i was soo sick of the materialistic nature of the reception aspect- even the dress, the flowers... all that crap.

 

who really cares about the reception? it is not even the point.

 

the point is that you and your fiance love each other and want to create a married life together- to become a family.

 

i was not going to throw some big party to appease my mother or other peoples ideals of what i should be doing.... in fact after the ceremony my husband and i were already tired and we just wanted to go home and go to bed.

 

just do what YOU want- and yor parents might pull that "we are paying for this" card on you... and if they do tell them they can throw their own party if they like, but you will be off enjoying your new husband.

[allina]

Thanks LRB. How did you and your fiance handle your mom at the time? Did your fiance get frustrated with her?

 

An issue I'm having is that the situation has become almost my parents v. his parents (to me, there actually isn't conflict between the families, yet)

 

My fiance and I are very close with my parents, we hang out with them a lot, and it's always very fun and stress free. My parents are thrilled for us and support whatever sort of wedding we want. My parents are happy to pay for the wedding, but don't feel the need to control it.

 

On the other hand it's all drama with his side of the family. His mom flipped out on me, his parents have the demands, his parents want to shove their opinions on us. They just want my parents to pay for it

 

My fiance knows I resent his mom for this and I feel bad since I know it hurts him. I don't want to have this attitude like my parents are so great and his are so horrid.

 

My parents know about the argument I had with his mom and all the drama. They tell me not to stress or get mad. They understand my frustrations but they think I'm being too hard on my fiance's mom.

[threebyfate]

allina, to avoid the big wedding, get pregnant! It's stopped all the drama for us.

[Star Gazer]

A, what was the argument with future-MIL about exactly? It must have been pretty serious for you to no longer respect her.

 

Why can't you just have a small wedding/ceremony that's almost like eloping? Just the two of you and your immediate family, with maybe a small dinner at a nice restaurant or something? Why not just tell her that that's the way it's going to be?

[Lauriebell82]

We are having a big wedding, I've always wanted one.

 

However, if my fiance and I were not getting money for our wedding we would be having a MUCH smaller one. And that would be okay with me. If I was actually responsible for all of the numbers that I have come across as far as vendors I would probably have an anxiety attack!!!

 

My real dream is to marry my fiance, the wedding is just an added bonus.

[Trimmer]

I'm sorry about the drama. A wedding can be a special thing - that's "wedding" with a small "W", not "Wedding" all screaming out in a big font on the glossy cover of a magazine. I think we managed to pull it off well by planning it ourselves. We invited our familes and a decent number of friends, but it wasn't one of those "parents pay for it..." kinds of things. We told them when and where, and they showed up.

 

We did it like we wanted it. We rented a beautiful, small, hilltop park, got a friend in the catering business to do some food afterward, another friend homebrewed a keg of special beer, and it was just a great day. We were the last ones to leave the park, because we helped the caterer clean up a bit after - and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

 

The two keys were - and at least the last one sounds like a big obstacle in your situation - (1) we were both on the same page, relaxed about what we wanted, and (2) we did not entertain anyone else's expectations about what they wanted. Also lucky for us is that our families didn't take offense at this, or at least if they did, it must have been minor enough for them to stay classy and go with our vision.

 

Anyway, again, sorry for the drama - the whole wedding thing is so steeped in expectations (partly fueled by the commercial part...) that it just creates a huge burden if you aren't able to break away from that pressure.

 

Is your fiancee aware of - and/or sensitive to - your concerns and anxiety? Kinda seems like any relief has to start there.

 

Edit to add: I took a long time getting back to finishing that post, and I see that you had since commented on your fiancee's awareness, at least, of the situation...

Edited November 18, 2009 by Trimmer

[laRubiaBonita]

Thanks LRB. How did you and your fiance handle your mom at the time? Did your fiance get frustrated with her?

 

he pretty much just went along for the ride....... neither of really cared- heck we did not even want a cake.

 

his parents were chill, they are actually in a financial pickle beacuse of their ARM... H and i help support them.

 

i think the thing H and i had a minor issue with were the groomsmen- H wanted 2 of his friends, i had my 2 sisters and i thought iot would be nice if H just had his 2 brothers.... of course it turned out that way anyways.

 

i wanted an outdoor ceremony- my mother insisted i get married in a church, and we got married in a church......

 

but we had the reception at my parents house like we wanted... we made all of the food, like i wanted...

 

i think the most expensive thing was the patio addition and HW flooring my parents had done at the house... which is an investment. my mom will still bring up the fact that my H and i should pay them at least $900-$1,000

 

i bought my dress, i bought the cake, H and i bought the food and the beer, a friend dj-ed for a nominal fee.

 

and we did a stay-cation honeymoon because i had just moved over to his place and we only needed to be with each other.

[Lucky_One]

I'm of the same mindset as Stargazer. You and your fiance just plan the wedding that YOU TWO want. And then you present the plan.

 

Weddings are very emotional for all sorts of reasons. There is a great sense of loss, on one hand, of losing a child who will never ever ever be "your" child again and who will be all grown up. There is a sense of jealousy, sometimes, knowing that your child will no longer turn to you for advice or support as his first round of defense against the world; you are no longer important in his/her world in a certain way. There is a sense of sadness for the parent's own aging process, as you suddenly realize that you are on the downward slope and the reality of your child's marriage is a slap in the face. There is a sense of jealousy, too, if you have a MIL who doesn't have a daughter to help plan a wedding, and you feel left out and you want to be a part. Toss in a sense of upset, that you have friends and family that you are very close to and who have been very close to your child, and you want to include all of them in a day that means so much to everyone - and you have no say-so and no voice.

 

I TOTALLY agree about the commercialism and the ridiculous lengths that so many incorporate into their weddings. I want Bridezillas, and the show with the gay wedding planner (what IS that name??), and I am amazed at how much money people will spend on a few hours and how much some couples expect and demand others to do for them - crazy stuff.

 

But. At the end of the day, you have a marriage taking place here. A union of one man and one woman - and this particular man and woman come attached to close and loving families. Three years from now, everything will be so different, and fifteen years from now, you won't even remember half of your wedding. So try hard to swallow some of your frustration and your anger and your upset with your future MIL, and think about meeting her for tea at some cute little tea shoppe, and TALK to her about some of the stuff that is going on. You (hopefully!) have many many years of laughter and life ahead of you, and much time to share with her - don't let your wedding be something that divides you, instead of bringing you closer.

 

And - best wishes!!

[allina]

allina, to avoid the big wedding, get pregnant! It's stopped all the drama for us.

 

But I don't want a baby, that sounds like a whole new set of problems!

 

A, what was the argument with future-MIL about exactly? It must have been pretty serious for you to no longer respect her.

 

Why can't you just have a small wedding/ceremony that's almost like eloping? Just the two of you and your immediate family, with maybe a small dinner at a nice restaurant or something? Why not just tell her that that's the way it's going to be?

 

The argument happened while we were all in London for his cousin's wedding, his cousin's HUGE, 600+ person wedding that started at 9am and ended at 2am.

 

It was the day before the wedding and we were all out having a drink at the hotel lounge. We were chatting and the wedding came up. She started saying that she needs to plan things for the wedding. Literally telling me "I need to plan some things."

 

I was taken back and a little irritated but I was going to let it go. I knew that this was a stressful, emotional time for her (long side issue). Trying to keep things calm I told her that I would be happy to consider her wishes and asked what things were important to her. She kept saying she didn't know but she had to plan these things and kept saying that all these people needed to come. These people she was mentioning were distant family members that my fiance has no relationship with and didn't want there. I kept saying "I want you to be happy but I need to know about what sorts of things you want to see in the wedding."

 

So then she started crying and got super dramatic and yelled "you don't know what an Indian mother goes through!" (As if my mother or any other mother cares or loves her child any less )

 

By this time people obviously started looking and she yelled "What are you looking at!" at total strangers.

 

This is when the dad stepped in and stopped her. Me, my fiance, his brother and his gf left the bar.

 

I barely spoke to her for the rest of her trip. I hated her that night. I lost respect for her.

 

I used to e-mail with her and talk to her but I didn't after the trip. After the vacation the next time I saw her was late October. Things were fine but I didn't value her the same as before, I feel like our relationship is forever tarnished.

 

I do appreciate things she does for me and my fiance and I as a couple. I am trying to give her a break but I don't feel the same.

 

I feel like she took a lot of joy away from me, ruined my vacation in London, and my joy of planning a wedding.

 

I feel like a small wedding/ceremony will not please her. I am afraid that she will throw fits and be very difficult if things don't go her way.

[threebyfate]

Okay, now for a serious post.

 

Take a breather. What really matters to you, allina? Is the wedding, which is one day of your life, more important than the rest of your life together, which if you think about it, would be much easier for both you and your fiance, if you got along with your in-laws?

 

Can your parents afford a larger wedding? How about if they put a limit on it and then, your mother in-law is held to that limit? Set the limit at say, $10K.

 

We originally folded to the mothers requirements, within reason, since they were paying for everything and this is what they wanted. No big deal as long as it was within reason. Of course, we had to put our foot down on a number of over-the-top suggestions but most of their wishes weren't too bad.

[Lucky_One]

She's Indian? Not as an excuse, but there ARE a lot of different expectations and norms in that culture. I seriously would think about sitting down with her and talking calmly with her, and also try to do some reading on Indian wedding customs. There may be a way to incorporate some things that can please her while still pleasing you and your F.

 

I feel for you - but this isn't a dead-end situation. Still lots of time to fix the relationship. Adults argue and get hurt feelings all the time - and we all can forgive and move on and become closer than ever!

[Star Gazer]

Has your fiance said anything to his mother to ease the tension? Or told her that HE wants a small wedding? Perhaps if she sees the wedding as what her SON wants, she'll be more amenable to something smaller?

 

Perhaps set a guest maximum, and let her know that she has XX number of spots she can fill with "her people," and let her figure out how to work it.

 

Which just made me think... perhaps you can pick a place that has a very small capacity, such that you're only allowed a few people there to begin with?

 

Or maybe if you extend an invitation to her to help you plan things that you don't care too much about, for example, table arrangements, or something like that, she'll feel more involved?

[allina]

I'm of the same mindset as Stargazer. You and your fiance just plan the wedding that YOU TWO want.

 

I feel like this is very good and practical advice, on paper, but it's not always that simple.

 

We do and she cries and bitches that her entire family isn't invited, my poor fiance is in the middle, and my parents aren't able to enjoy their only child's spacial day.

 

I also know that she makes my fiance feel very guilty and I don't want him to be torn about this.

 

 

Okay, now for a serious post.

 

Take a breather. What really matters to you, allina? Is the wedding, which is one day of your life, more important than the rest of your life together, which if you think about it, would be much easier for both you and your fiance, if you got along with your in-laws?

 

Can your parents afford a larger wedding? How about if they put a limit on it and then, your mother in-law is held to that limit? Set the limit at say, $10K.

 

 

My parents can afford the wedding. But WHY do MY parents have to pay for HER wedding?! I think that this is what insults me and pisses me off. How dare SHE basically demand that my parents pay for a wedding that she wants, not even what I, the bride to be want!

 

She's Indian? Not as an excuse, but there ARE a lot of different expectations and norms in that culture. I seriously would think about sitting down with her and talking calmly with her, and also try to do some reading on Indian wedding customs. There may be a way to incorporate some things that can please her while still pleasing you and your F.

 

I feel for you - but this isn't a dead-end situation. Still lots of time to fix the relationship. Adults argue and get hurt feelings all the time - and we all can forgive and move on and become closer than ever!

 

My fiance is Indian, not born there, neither of his parents have been to India since they were kids and aren't very traditional.

 

I am quite familiar with Indian wedding customs.

 

I am Polish, I came to the US when I was 10.

 

I am more Polish than he is Indian, but neither I or any members of my family are trying to shove Polish wedding traditions down their throats.

[Trimmer]

She's Indian? Not as an excuse, but there ARE a lot of different expectations and norms in that culture. I seriously would think about sitting down with her and talking calmly with her, and also try to do some reading on Indian wedding customs. There may be a way to incorporate some things that can please her while still pleasing you and your F.

Hmm... Yeah, if this is a cross-cultural situation (i.e. I don't think you are Indian, correct?) then there's a whole merging-of-cultures thing going on here too. That can have a lot of inertia behind it.

 

Just spitballing here... Is there any way you guys can have a small, intimate wedding of your own, the way you want it, just friends and family (even his family, of course...) and then "submit yourselves" to some kind of big party/celebration/wedding/whatever that she could plan (and pay for? or is that hoping too much?) that would meet/satisfy/respect her cultural traditions?

 

I'm definitely not telling you that you should go back on your vision of what your wedding should be, but you do understand that you are melding two families, and that the one you are marrying into has a set of cultural traditions that may affect you, out beyond just your wedding day, right? What you see as "wanting your own vision of a wedding" may be perceived on her side as snubbing their important cultural traditions. The question is, is there any way to preserve both - your vision of a wedding, and her vision of her cultural traditions - without either of you having to compromise to the point of damaging your relationship as daughter-in-law/mother-in-law?

 

The simple wrap-it-all-up-in-a-movie script solution (probably overly simplistic, I fully admit) would be for everyone to understand that both sides have a dearly held vision that has personal and cultural meaning, for both sides to hear, acknowledge, and show respect for the importance of the other's traditions, and then have a little wedding for you, and a big, Bollywood-style traditional wedding/party/blowout for them. Is there anything about that that sounds workable?

[allina]

Has your fiance said anything to his mother to ease the tension? Or told her that HE wants a small wedding? Perhaps if she sees the wedding as what her SON wants, she'll be more amenable to something smaller?

 

Perhaps set a guest maximum, and let her know that she has XX number of spots she can fill with "her people," and let her figure out how to work it.

 

Which just made me think... perhaps you can pick a place that has a very small capacity, such that you're only allowed a few people there to begin with?

 

Or maybe if you extend an invitation to her to help you plan things that you don't care too much about, for example, table arrangements, or something like that, she'll feel more involved?

 

Yes, he has. He has also told her (kindly) that she is out of line and needs to relax and let us plan our wedding.

 

I resent having to chose a specific type of place because of her. Or having to give her an allowance of guests to invite when my fiance doesn't want these people there.

 

At first I understood that this was important to her. Because I cared about her and liked her I tried to reach out to her and give her some say. This is what I was trying to do when that fight in London happened.

 

After the fight I was so outraged that I no longer wanted to give her anything. Before I was willing give up some things I wanted to make her happy because she was like family. Now, I see her as a nuisance, not a loving family member.

[Trimmer]

OK, my last post crossed with some later comments. It sucks that she would expect her vision to be financed by your side of the family. And since they aren't that traditional, a lot of what I said about respecting cultural traditions, etc. is largely mitigated. I still say, have a nice wedding the way you want it, but acknowledge her wishes by submitting to any kind of a celebration that she might want to put together for you guys.

 

You may have to start drawing and enforcing some boundaries in the in-law relationship early on here... How about pressure to have children, how many to have, what to name them, how to raise them, how far away you can move, etc.... Demonstrating that you have boundaries now will pay dividends in the future. But again: you and your fiancee have to be acting as one here. This can't be between you and your MIL, with him as some kind of a neutral go-between...

[Lucky_One]

The simple wrap-it-all-up-in-a-movie script solution (probably overly simplistic, I fully admit) would be for everyone to understand that both sides have a dearly held vision that has personal and cultural meaning, for both sides to hear, acknowledge, and show respect for the importance of the other's traditions, and then have a little wedding for you, and a big, Bollywood-style traditional wedding/party/blowout for them. Is there anything about that that sounds workable?

 

I like the idea a lot - IS it a workable one, do you think?

[Lucky_One]

And to touch on an earlier thought, while they may not live very traditionally, most weddings have TONS of traditions that we all feel we must follow, even though we live pretty non-traditional lives in the real world.

 

How often do you see a Western wedding with a bride wearing a color other than white or some off-shoot? Trust me - there just aren't that many virgins out there to necessitate a white gown.

 

Weddings bring out the best AND the worst in people, and the traditions of weddings can be some of the strongest in-traits that we have.

[allina]

Hmm... Yeah, if this is a cross-cultural situation (i.e. I don't think you are Indian, correct?) then there's a whole merging-of-cultures thing going on here too. That can have a lot of inertia behind it.

 

Just spitballing here... Is there any way you guys can have a small, intimate wedding of your own, the way you want it, just friends and family (even his family, of course...) and then "submit yourselves" to some kind of big party/celebration/wedding/whatever that she could plan (and pay for? or is that hoping too much?) that would meet/satisfy/respect her cultural traditions?

 

I'm definitely not telling you that you should go back on your vision of what your wedding should be, but you do understand that you are melding two families, and that the one you are marrying into has a set of cultural traditions that may affect you, out beyond just your wedding day, right? What you see as "wanting your own vision of a wedding" may be perceived on her side as snubbing their important cultural traditions. The question is, is there any way to preserve both - your vision of a wedding, and her vision of her cultural traditions - without either of you having to compromise to the point of damaging your relationship as daughter-in-law/mother-in-law?

 

The simple wrap-it-all-up-in-a-movie script solution (probably overly simplistic, I fully admit) would be for everyone to understand that both sides have a dearly held vision that has personal and cultural meaning, for both sides to hear, acknowledge, and show respect for the importance of the other's traditions, and then have a little wedding for you, and a big, Bollywood-style traditional wedding/party/blowout for them. Is there anything about that that sounds workable?

 

OK, my last post crossed with some later comments. It sucks that she would expect her vision to be financed by your side of the family. And since they aren't that traditional, a lot of what I said about respecting cultural traditions, etc. is largely mitigated. I still say, have a nice wedding the way you want it, but acknowledge her wishes by submitting to any kind of a celebration that she might want to put together for you guys.

 

You may have to start drawing and enforcing some boundaries in the in-law relationship early on here... How about pressure to have children, how many to have, what to name them, how to raise them, how far away you can move, etc.... Demonstrating that you have boundaries now will pay dividends in the future. But again: you and your fiancee have to be acting as one here. This can't be between you and your MIL, with him as some kind of a neutral go-between...

 

Thank you for your posts Trimmer, they are always appreciated, never over looked

 

It's interesting that the focus is on her being Indian and her culture? Do white people not have a culture? Is American or European culture less important?

 

As for other things, she has always wanted to be involved but has done so in a reasonable manner. I always understood that part of the reason for her acting this way is that she lives across the country and it's hard for her.

 

My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years so I know his parents well and I am used to some or her "crazy" way.

 

We moved in together after dating for only 7 months and she supported the decision. She never tried to dictate where we live or how we do things.

 

Sure she's always made remarks here and there that were too much but sh*t has not once come close to hitting the fan like it did on that trip. So establishing boundaries has not been a past issue.

[threebyfate]

My parents can afford the wedding. But WHY do MY parents have to pay for HER wedding?! I think that this is what insults me and pisses me off. How dare SHE basically demand that my parents pay for a wedding that she wants, not even what I, the bride to be want!

I don't disagree that her wants and desires don't matter, on the scale of things.

 

But...

 

Let's pretend that you do want a substantial sized wedding. Would your parents be okay with that? If so, do you really have a right to be indignant on your parent's behalf?

 

I'm throwing out a slightly different perspective for you to think about, not trying to put you down or make you feel bad.

[allina]

 

Let's pretend that you do want a substantial sized wedding. Would your parents be okay with that? If so, do you really have a right to be indignant on your parent's behalf?

 

I'm throwing out a slightly different perspective for you to think about, not trying to put you down or make you feel bad.

 

If I, their daughter, wanted a substantial sized wedding my parents would be ok with it. They want to pay or what their daughter wants for her wedding.

 

My fiance's mother is not the daughter of my parents. She is a grown woman who has already had her own wedding.

 

The wedding his mother wants would make me and my fiance miserable and cost my parents a ton. Why would I allow for my parents to waste their money on something that makes me unhappy. How is that fair to them?

[Trimmer]

It's interesting that the focus is on her being Indian and her culture? Do white people not have a culture? Is American or European culture less important?

Absolutely you do have your own cultural ideas - the whole idea of a small, intimate wedding is very much one of those, whether it is a product of your national culture, your regional culture, or your family culture... That's why I was careful to try to word my points reversably:

 

... for everyone to understand that both sides have a dearly held vision that has personal and cultural meaning, for both sides to hear, acknowledge, and show respect for the importance of the other's traditions...

I didn't mean to burden you with the requirement that you be the only one to acknowledge her traditions and feelings. In fact, in my movie script, you would each (maybe during a cross-country road trip together, where you start out mad at each other, but through a series of hilarious misadventures, come to respect and appreciate each other's similarities and differences?) somehow come to sit down and understand the other's perspective. As farfetched as it seems, wouldn't that feel great to you: to have her say: "Hey, I understand what your vision of your wedding is and I respect it and I want to see you achieve that..."

 

If there were some way for her to do that, to "let you" (in the sense of releasing you emotionally, not that it's her prerogative to have literal veto power...) have your wedding, could you show up and participate her vision of a big Indian-style blowout? And wouldn't it feel good if you could both understand - in both directions - how this solves the problem for both of you?

 

Again, I realize that may be pie-in-the-sky, but I didn't want you to think I was suggesting that it was solely your responsibility to respect her cultural traditions. I'll go back to my original point and say that I believe you and your fiancee have the absolute right to declare your own intentions and plan things the way you want them and to invite who you want to, and all that. Somewhere between there and a single wedding the way "she" wants it is a middle ground that, if you can negotiate it, may preserve the future relationship.

 

I know that you are thoughtful about the need to navigate that middle-ground, I just wish she could meet you somewhere in there, and hear you.

[Trimmer]

The wedding his mother wants would make me and my fiance miserable and cost my parents a ton. Why would I allow for my parents to waste their money on something that makes me unhappy. How is that fair to them?

And just to reiterate - my movie script (in rewrite as we speak) has the formerly-crotchety-now-turned-soft-and-understanding MIL paying for the big Indian-style blowout that comes some time after the small, intimate, family and friends wedding.

[allina]

And just to reiterate - my movie script (in rewrite as we speak) has the formerly-crotchety-now-turned-soft-and-understanding MIL paying for the big Indian-style blowout that comes some time after the small, intimate, family and friends wedding.

 

And this would be totally fine. However she would act as if we insulted her and broke her heart by letting her throw some party instead of the real wedding.

 

Also, the issue seems to be less about anything Indian-style and more about inviting every 3rd cousin's, husband's uncle that she can think of, because OMG what will some distant relative that she doesn't even talk to or like think if they aren't invited.

 

I think it's for show.

 

Also, after that huge 600 person Indian wedding her siblings gossiped and talked sh*t about their own niece's wedding and new husband