What's the point?

[Trimmer]

And this would be totally fine. However she would act as if we insulted her and broke her heart by letting her throw some party instead of the real wedding.

 

Also, the issue seems to be less about anything Indian-style and more about inviting every 3rd cousin's, husband's uncle that she can think of, because OMG what will some distant relative that she doesn't even talk to or like think if they aren't invited.

 

I think it's for show.

 

Also, after that huge 600 person Indian wedding her siblings gossiped and talked sh*t about their own niece's wedding and new husband

I hear you.... I just wish she was able to hear you and acknowledge that your needs and desires and vision should be primary.

[allina]

I hear you.... I just wish she was able to hear you and acknowledge that your needs and desires and vision should be primary.

 

She hasn't even acknowledged that she was out of line that night at the bar!

 

I wish we could just stay engaged forever

[Star Gazer]

If ever in your shoes, I know I'll find myself saying, "I appreciate your input, but we have made XYZ decision. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"

 

I suppose that, while it's important not to burn bridges with your soon-to-be family, you also need to establish clear boundaries now.

[allina]

I'll find myself saying, "I appreciate your input, but we have made XYZ decision. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"

 

 

I said this word for word to her at the bar that night! Then I switched to "I would be happy to incorporate some things that are important to you, what things are you thinking about?" Which I kindly repeated several times before she flipped out.

 

After the drama went down I talked to my fiance's brother's gf who has a much worse relationship with the mother than I do. She said I was being super respectful, calm and nice.

 

Oh! And we invited them here for Thanksgiving-Thanksgiving weekend. Without telling us she got plane tickets to stay here for a week!! :mad:

 

And she says to me "I'll set up the kitchen while I'm there." Referring to the kitchen in the house I just purchased with my fiance.

 

No lady, stay out of MY kitchen!

 

Ok, I'm getting angry

 

I'm going to tell her that I will not get married until we have marriage equality for everyone It's something I believe in anyways and maybe it will make her stfu.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, I can sense the hostility through the computer screen!

 

I really think how you handle the wedding planning process will set the tone for your relationship with her in the long term, so just tread carefully.

[melodymatters]

You sound very angry Allina, and that's ok, this IS the right place and time to express it, It's just one of the few times I've seen you lose your cool !

 

You simply must put your foot down in the kindest, least hostile way. As everyone suugested : just decide where, and when and what your parents are willing to pay for ( and what you are comfortable with them paying) and give her HER outline.

 

She can invite x number of guests, she can pick the desserts, whatever. And then stick to it ! If she cries and moans, too bad, you have your plan and you are welcoming her to be a big part of it.

 

You are so upset that this is ruining your happy feelings which is not OK.

 

If she has to be the one who is upset, well so be it. She can be a happy contributing part, or she can step off. Her choice.

 

Accept that she won't be happy with what you want, accept that you have a right to what you want. What she does with this common sense information will be her choice.

[allina]

Yeah, I can sense the hostility through the computer screen!

 

I really think how you handle the wedding planning process will set the tone for your relationship with her in the long term, so just tread carefully.

 

You sound very angry Allina, and that's ok, this IS the right place and time to express it, It's just one of the few times I've seen you lose your cool !

 

You simply must put your foot down in the kindest, least hostile way. As everyone suugested : just decide where, and when and what your parents are willing to pay for ( and what you are comfortable with them paying) and give her HER outline.

 

She can invite x number of guests, she can pick the desserts, whatever. And then stick to it ! If she cries and moans, too bad, you have your plan and you are welcoming her to be a big part of it.

 

You are so upset that this is ruining your happy feelings which is not OK.

 

If she has to be the one who is upset, well so be it. She can be a happy contributing part, or she can step off. Her choice.

 

Accept that she won't be happy with what you want, accept that you have a right to what you want. What she does with this common sense information will be her choice.

 

yeah, I'm a little pissed

 

I think that right now I'm like, pre-pissed at her for what she might do over Thanksgiving on top of the wedding stuff.

 

She will be here Tuesday morning and she will leave Monday night. This is basically a week of opportunities to annoy, bother and piss me off.

 

I think I'm partially angry in anticipation for the whole thing.

 

I really like your advice Melody, it's direct, sane and to the point

[threebyfate]

If I, their daughter, wanted a substantial sized wedding my parents would be ok with it. They want to pay or what their daughter wants for her wedding.

 

My fiance's mother is not the daughter of my parents. She is a grown woman who has already had her own wedding.

 

The wedding his mother wants would make me and my fiance miserable and cost my parents a ton. Why would I allow for my parents to waste their money on something that makes me unhappy. How is that fair to them?

I understand and don't disagree with you. Just trying to find a way where there's peace with the in-laws.

 

As someone who's had two sets of in-laws now, life's a hella' lot easier when you get along. Sometimes, asserting yourself in the short-term, isn't worth the long-term consequences, especially when it comes to family. Assert yourself within reason.

[allina]

As someone who's had two sets of in-laws now, life's a hella' lot easier when you get along. Sometimes, asserting yourself in the short-term, isn't worth the long-term consequences, especially when it comes to family. Assert yourself within reason.

 

Thanks TBF. I know that you are right. I used to feel the same way. That, and I would laugh off her slightly annoying/bossy comments saying "oh that's family."

 

I feel like that night changed that in me when it comes to her. I lost that warm spot in my heart for her and for the idea that she was family.

 

I'm not used to dealing with adults who I feel are unreasonable/unstable. I'm very close to my family and they have always been very easy going and sane. I cannot rationalize her actions. My family would never, ever, EVER treat my fiance like she treated me.

 

My feelings of disgust and disappointment have spilled over in to the wedding. Like I said, I was never that much in to weddings/getting married and this just made those feelings stronger.

 

Maybe if she had taken responsibility for what happened I would get over it and care about her wants. But she's acting like nothing ever happened.

[Ariadne]

What is the point? What will this do for us?

 

Hi Allina,

 

You are too afraid about the wedding.

 

It feels overwhelming at this point and something that you don't know how to do, kind of like buying the house.

 

It'll be ok, but you need to be more open to the MIL and accept her ideas.

 

You feel imposed by what she says and it's not like that, you can always negotiate and tell her you need to invite less people etc.

 

Good luck in Thanksgiving. Lots of peace.

[Ariadne]

My feelings of disgust and disappointment have spilled over...

 

That's the ego talking. You are winding yourself over and building stuff in your head.

[allina]

That's the ego talking. You are winding yourself over and building stuff in your head.

 

I don't think it's ego. I just don't like people imposing themselves on me. I just want to tell her "get back!"

 

I already don't want a wedding and she's making it worse.

 

His parents will be here on Tuesday morning. I will try to warm back up to his mom.

[Star Gazer]

How'd Thanksgiving go???

[allina]

How'd Thanksgiving go???

 

:laugh: Well for the most part, though there was a slight repeat of the London freak out, this time aimed more at my parents. Thankfully my parents have a sense of humor and the situation was quickly averted

 

Another thread may need to be started soon

[JimmyJohnson]

My wife and I eloped to a city hall across the country after being engaged for 9 months and being put off by the idea of planning a wedding. It just seemed like a huge chore and expense that paid no dividends. We have no regrets about this whatsoever.

 

Since you do want a small wedding, my advice is not to elope, but for your husband to grow a pair and stand up to his mother. The other poster is right -- deal with her controlling nature now or it will only get worse.